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Strange Fortune Cookies: Funny but Real Fortune Cookie Fortunes

These are actual fortune cookie fortunes.

Confucius say you have heart as big as Texas.

You have an unusual equipment
for success, use it properly.

Because of your melodic nature,
the moonlight never misses an appointment.

You will gain admiration from your pears.

You will receive a fortune cookie.

Never wear your best pants
when you go to fight for freedom.

A starship ride has been promised to you
by the galactic wizard.

You love Chinese food.

Someone will invite you to a Karaoke party.

Don’t behave with cold manners.

Typed like any other fortune cookie:

Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.

Don’t forget you are always on our minds.

From the same people holding the prisoner?

What you left behind is more mellow than wine
(for a bathroom?)

There is no mistake so great
as that of being always right.

Never forget a friend. Especially if he owes you.

A tub and a rub will change your day.


Suppose you can get what you want.

If you’re happy and you know it, and you realy want to show it, if you’re happy and you know it, eat a monkey.

“Its about time I got out of that cookie.”
(sent in by Michael-Asheville, NC)



Another site with great fortune cookie fortunes is  weirdfortunecookies.com/

Page Topic: Funny Real Fortune Cookie Fortunes



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78 Responses to “Strange Fortune Cookies: Funny but Real Fortune Cookie Fortunes””

  1. Eric Says:
    February 12th, 2008 at 7:27 pm

    Eat your vegetable and you will be strong like Popeye

  2. ur mom Says:
    February 17th, 2008 at 9:44 am

    u will achieve greatness………….in bed!!!! LOL

  3. Waker Says:
    February 19th, 2008 at 9:11 am

    “It’s good enough, but it could be better”

  4. Anonymous Says:
    March 24th, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    a closed mouth gathers no feet

  5. fortunecookienotes Says:
    April 7th, 2008 at 12:31 pm

    I’ve found that fortunes from PF Chang’s and Pei Wei tend to have the best, or most inspirational fortune cookies.

    However, I find the random and funny ones from the mom and pop restaurant down the street. My favorite is “you will make a great lawyer.”

  6. Tanya Says:
    April 8th, 2008 at 7:45 am

    Received last night:

    “Consolidate your interest
    while the lights are active.”


  7. Ania Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 10:42 am

    ‘Don’t trouble trouble until trouble troubles you’

  8. Angely01 Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 10:04 pm

    LOL! The “You will recieve a Fortune Cookie” one was Hilarious! Lol, Had me Crackin! Thanks!! LOl

  9. xavier Says:
    July 9th, 2008 at 12:48 pm

    I got the “tub and a rub” cookie message, but instead of “your,” it said “our.” “A tub and a rub will change our day.” Whose day? Mine and the Chinese food guy’s?

  10. Anonymous Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 3:05 pm

    This is my favorite by far!

    “He who farts in church, sits in his own pew!”

  11. Anonymous Says:
    July 30th, 2008 at 9:09 pm

    one time i got a fortune that said
    “If you think you’re too small to be effective, you’ve never been in bed with a mosquito.”

  12. anonymous Says:
    August 3rd, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    My fortune said “A small lucky package is on its way to you soon” now when i first read that i got the wrong idea…

  13. Anonymous Says:
    August 14th, 2008 at 11:23 pm

    add in bed at the end of each one!!!!!!!

  14. Britney Says:
    August 22nd, 2008 at 11:17 pm

    That cookie was poison

  15. anonymous Says:
    September 5th, 2008 at 2:38 pm

    this is a good one if u ask me “im better then the average cookie”

  16. Dan Says:
    September 13th, 2008 at 5:11 pm

    “You have an unusual equipment
    for success, use it properly..in bed”

  17. Justin Says:
    October 17th, 2008 at 11:14 am

    seriously, if your fortune cookie doesn’t make since, say “in bed” after it.
    You will achieve greatness…in bed
    Your fire burns larger than others…in bed

    but then there’s one’s that don’t make since with it.
    Your mind is like a river, always flowing.. in bed?

  18. floody Says:
    October 21st, 2008 at 2:39 pm

    Got this last night…. If a turtle has doesn’t have a shell, is he naked or homeless?

  19. AquarianRose Says:
    October 30th, 2008 at 5:48 pm

    “You are pretty.” :)

  20. Skizz Says:
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:40 pm

    “Had a good meal? Get one to go.”

  21. Anonymous Says:
    November 26th, 2008 at 12:52 pm

    someone thinks you are wondefully mysterious

  22. Tiffany Says:
    December 13th, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    The fortune you seek is in another cookie…i got that one last night!!

  23. Tanvi Says:
    December 23rd, 2008 at 7:22 pm

    The answers you seek are in Amsterdam…

  24. Glen Says:
    December 25th, 2008 at 10:34 pm

    Dont get on the plane

  25. Anonymous Says:
    December 30th, 2008 at 8:23 pm

    smile, a secret message from your teeth, lol my dad got this one

  26. Jezlyn Says:
    January 6th, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    The one that says “You will recieve a fortune cookie” is stupid but funny’ lol

  27. Shannon Says:
    February 16th, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    I received on that said, “Give a kiss to the person sitting next to you,” not a fortune but by far my favorite lol

  28. ed Says:
    February 24th, 2009 at 5:58 pm


  29. Rebecca Says:
    March 25th, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    My most recent one was, “It’s all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation.”

  30. Emma Says:
    March 31st, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    my friend got one that says:
    “Come back later. I am sleeping. (Yes, fortune cookies need sleep, too.)”

  31. Ken Says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly

  32. Erica Says:
    April 7th, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    I got one once from Panda Express that said (no joke) “Pleasures await you by the seashore.”

  33. Tracy Says:
    April 25th, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    I got this one years ago.. “Confucius say he who place egg on hill may someday have eggroll”

  34. J Says:
    April 30th, 2009 at 10:42 am

    Figure this one out:
    “Love is the law, love under will.”

  35. Blah Says:
    May 26th, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    I got this one the other night when I ordered Chinese food when I was home alone: “Be cautious of wandering in the darkness alone.”

  36. Ben B. Says:
    July 26th, 2009 at 6:08 am

    My favorite fortune of all time is taped to my kitchen window and says, “The rubber bands are heading in the right direction.” Not sure what it means, but it sounds good to me. ;)

  37. jekel Says:
    August 13th, 2009 at 11:14 am

    Do not kiss an elephant on the lips today- is by far my favorite but i have also got pick another fortune cookie and Confucius say man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

  38. AIM Says:
    August 18th, 2009 at 8:45 am

    I got one that said “Don’t Panic” once… Can anyone say, Douglas Adams?

  39. italiangeek15 Says:
    August 30th, 2009 at 1:38 am

    My mom got an empty one once. And once I got one that said, “Harsh words break no bones, fine words butter no parsnips.” The weirdest one ever, though, was when my mom, my dad, both of my brothers, and myself all got the same fortune. I don’t remember what it said, but we all had the same exact fortune.

  40. Anonymous Says:
    October 14th, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    i got one that said “wow! a secret message from your tooth!” it made my day =D

  41. Yur Mom! Says:
    November 12th, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    “Hey! give a guy a break! I have been in this cookie forever!!”

  42. Anonymous Says:
    November 21st, 2009 at 9:56 am

    “come back later cookies need sleep too”

  43. Me Says:
    December 10th, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    Look with favor upon a bold beginning coming this year… Except in bed

  44. Kiwi Says:
    December 17th, 2009 at 10:37 am

    I got one that said “Ask your Mom”

  45. Bobbyoda Says:
    January 8th, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    HAHAHAHAHA add “in bed” at the end of every single fortune cookie! it’s hilarious!!!!!! XD

  46. Ryann Griffith Says:
    April 6th, 2010 at 11:46 am

    “Good fortune is yours when you stock tons of fortune cookies” lol.

  47. cookie girl Says:
    April 27th, 2010 at 11:39 am

    never eat a cookie who tells fortunes

  48. Lb Says:
    May 7th, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    i just got this fortune cookie that says pleasures await you by the seashore… i was all wooh… that nice…

  49. k Says:
    May 23rd, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    “You like Chinese food” and “Nobody does it better than you” have been my favorites.

  50. joon lee guk Says:
    June 15th, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    I got one once that said “they’re holding me hostage in the kitchen, please help”

  51. Amber Says:
    June 28th, 2010 at 7:56 pm

    i got a fortune cookie that said..

    “if your friend wants to drive, don’t stand in their way.”
    their is more then one meaning to that! haha

  52. Eyrothath Says:
    July 4th, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    I got this one from Panda Express “ASK YOUR MOM!”

  53. HI Says:
    July 7th, 2010 at 10:31 pm

    If you were looking for a fortune, HA! because i must have screwed up your day!

  54. Bob the Builder Says:
    July 12th, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    “A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

  55. Anonymous Says:
    July 19th, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    “Never depend on others to make you happy, you can do it yourself” LOL!

  56. PerrisHoward Says:
    July 24th, 2010 at 10:55 am

    lawl!! “You are about to become $8.95 poorer.
    ($6.95 if you had the buffet)” I got that from Panda Express xP

  57. Lolo Says:
    July 28th, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    “Your fly is down”

  58. Jordan Says:
    August 12th, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is mine.

  59. JENN :D Says:
    September 9th, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    I had general tso’s chicken once and received a fortune cookie saying “That wasn’t chicken” :O What did I eat then?!

  60. Jocelyn Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    LOL! I just found a fortune cookie that said “to forgive is to forget.” on one side and the other side has my lucky numbers and “Perdonsar es de olvidarse.” THATS SPANISH!!!

  61. paton Says:
    September 20th, 2010 at 8:21 am

    You are doomed to be happy in marriage.

  62. Ej Says:
    September 30th, 2010 at 6:21 am

    Lol. My fave so far that I’ve got : ” Ignore previous cookie “

  63. Anonymous Says:
    October 3rd, 2010 at 9:40 am

    ‘This cookie is poisoned.’

  64. Mick Malloy Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    “You sing as softly as a bird” I got this one a few years back, if only they knew how untrue it is…

  65. Callista Says:
    October 15th, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    You DONT want to know how long I’ve been in there

  66. Anonymous Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 5:44 am

    A few years ago I got one that said “The SAT answer’s are A D D C B

  67. a-la-na-na Says:
    December 14th, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    “Sorry…out of my mind….back in five minutes”

  68. Anonymous Says:
    January 26th, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    the worst one… “You will have a romantic evening the next full moon” add in bed to the end it’s terrible

  69. Anonymous Says:
    January 26th, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    you can add
    in bed
    in his bed
    in your mother’s bed
    in her bed
    in your brother’s bed
    in your sister’s bed
    in the bathroom
    in his bathroom
    in your mother’s bathroom
    in your brother’s bathroom
    in your sister’s bathroom
    in her bathroom
    in th public bathroom
    in the outhouse
    in his pants
    in her pants
    in your pants
    in your mother’s pants
    in your brother’s pants
    in your sister’s pants

  70. Anonymous Says:
    January 26th, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    funniiest 1: Ooops…Wrong Cookie

  71. Debbie Says:
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    “45.6% of all statistics are made up”

  72. RaNdOm Says:
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    I got one on vacation that said: Your relationship will soon change,
    The day I got back to school my crush asked me to be his girlfriend!

  73. aaron baxter Says:
    February 4th, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    some men dream of fortunes, others dream of cookies.

  74. Anonymous Says:
    February 9th, 2011 at 10:59 am

    I once saw this in a fortune cookie:
    If you can achieve greatness in bed, stay in bed,
    If not then GET OUT OF BED!

  75. You don't know my name. XD. Says:
    February 9th, 2011 at 11:04 am

    I just made this great fortune:
    This cookie doesn’t tell fortunes…but others do.

  76. Anonymous Says:
    March 15th, 2011 at 10:02 am

    I once opened a fortune cookie in Orlando, Florida, that said: “You will soon be hungry. Order carry-out.”

  77. AnOnYmOuS Says:
    March 25th, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Good food is full of nutrients, but the nutrients of life are what you need.(in bed)

  78. Mark Says:
    April 18th, 2011 at 8:51 am

    From Asean Bistro in Columbia, MD: “Hungry is the man who seeks salvation in a cookie.”

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