Here are some more of the of the best funny thoughts
We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.
Welcome what you can’t avoid.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.
When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
You don’t have to explain something you never said.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
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Section: Best One Liners