Category: scoop

Here is a transcript of Rudolph Giuliani’s stump speech, “There are 911 reasons to vote for me”, which he has given a version of at every campaign stop over the last few months.


Good morning to all of you, and thanks for coming out today. Our crowd counters tell me there are somewhere around 911 of you here today, which matches the 911 we had at our last stop.  On this beautiful day, at 9:11 in the morning, I would like to talk about something I mentioned 9 days ago, and also 11 days ago. It’s something I’ve probably said 911 times before.  And I’ll probably say it 911 more times over the next 9 to 11 weeks, as our country moves towards electing their 9nth president in the last 11 decades.

I had a wonderful 2 day visit with about 9, or maybe 11, republicans between the 9th and 11th of last September, the 9th month, and I plan to do it again in November, the 11th month.  It was a wonderful meeting, where I really heard the concerns of these 9 to 11 people.  As I recall, there were about 9 conservatives, 1 moderate, and 1 liberal.  Together we brainstormed and came up with hundreds of ideas of how we could make this country better.  911 ideas to be exact.  One of the 911 ideas is to invite all Americans to be part of a thousand points of light making this country better.  However, since for every 9 Americans in this country there’s probably 1 illegal immigrant and 1 illegal immigrant’s child, we’ll call it about, oh, say 900 points of light, or maybe, I don’t know, say 911.

Now some voters have expressed concerns that I’m running on too narrow a platform, and if I’ve said it once I’ve said it 9 or 11 times, that is simply not true.  If I am elected I have a 9 point plan to save this country during this 11th hour.    One of those is to keep gas prices down- some predictions are that gas prices could increase to $9.11 per gallon, as oil goes above $91.10 per barrel.  I have a plan for this, which I’ll be unveiling this evening at my daily 9:11 pm press conference.

In short, a vote for me is a vote for this country, with it’s beautiful flag with 9 white stripes and 11 red stripes- give or take.  And remember, for each American that survives cancer here in the U.S., statistics show that 911 British citizens die.

Thank you for listening to my 9 minute, 11 second speech, and remember, if this country is in an emergency, call 911. Call Rudolph Giuliani.  Thank you, and God bless the 900 and 11 counties of the U.S.


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 Page topic: Rudolph Giuliani’s 911 stump speech.

 InnocentEnglish.com Scoop: Tomorrow’s News Today *

Has Barbie Gone Bad?

Barbie, after being a role model for pre-teens everywhere (except most third world countries, where parents may not fully appreciate spending four months’ wages on an inedible plastic doll) may have finally succumbed to the pressures of celebrity.  In recent weeks she has been spotted leaving some of the hottest elite bars in LA, usually noticeably intoxicated. 

There has also been concern about her recent weight loss, and erratic behavior (so many free paparazzi pics of her in various states of exposure have flooded the internet that sales of porn have plummeted in recent weeks). She has claimed she is just “naturally slenderer than I used to be, genetically-wise” and that she has been “recovering from a sucky stomach virus”.  In an attempt to counter the concerns over her weight loss, she sat across from the central camera during the World Series Game 3 in Colorado and proceeded to eat four hotdogs. However, eye witness accounts claim she didn’t keep them down very long and one even claimed she actually at the same hotdog four times. 

The drastic weight loss has resulted in the loss of her contract as the Victoria Secret Endowed model, and may result in the loss of her long standing contract with Mattel, the company that picked her out of the Mousketeer crowd, gave her the implants, and helped her rise to fame- perhaps too much fame.

Fan concerns that she may be sabotaging her career, and perhaps even her life, worsened last night when she was pulled over for suspicion of drunk driving.  The officers also found “various illegal substances” in her possession and “a notable lack of undergarments”.   It is suspected she will be required to enter a rehabilitation clinic for at least a few weeks, which could add up to as many as eight hours of actual time, spread out over several weeks.  Let’s hope that this experience changes her life as much as Paris’ jail time has transformed her (rumors are circulating Paris is seriously considering becoming a nun, and is trying to choose between Buddhism and Catholicism, depending on which has the lightest punishment for breaking celibacy vows).

We know it’s not too late for you Barbie!  We are all rooting for you. We love your “singing”, your “acting” appearances, and all your charity work for disadvantaged celebrity kids.  We’d give you the shirt off our backs (even though that doesn’t seem to be the item of clothing you need). You can do it! We love you Barbie!

 

*Due to the lack of dependability of making wild guesses about the future, news articles in InnocentEnglish’s “Scoop” section may or may not even remotely have anything to do with reality.

 

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Page topic: Barbie doll jokes: Celebrity jokes