Lottery Jokes: Jokes about the Lottery

Someone told me once that the lottery is a tax on people who aren’t very good at math. Maybe so, but someone always tends to win so why not focus on the happy side of life? Luckily for us, there are jokes for the rest of us who don’t win the lottery, make us feel better about our losses. C’est la vie and all that.

The Lottery Winner:

Jacob considers himself to be one of the lucky ones because he’s the only one of his family to have survived two years in a concentration camp. He’s now nearing 90 and his only remaining joy is the national lottery, which he’s been playing for years without success. But then he wins the big one, a prize of $10 million.

A journalist from the Times calls on him for a story.

Jacob tells him, “As I’m the only one in my family to have survived the concentration camps, this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win. So, I’ve decided to donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund, $3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal Centre, $750,000 to the Jewish Museum, $750,000 Hadassah Hospital and $500,000 to be shared amongst my friends. I’m also thinking of donating $1 to the Nazi Party from my winnings.”

The journalist is surprised. “But Jacob, how can you think of donating even $1 to the Nazi party after everything that’s happened to you and your family?”

Jacob rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies, “It’s only fair. They gave me the winning numbers.”

A Redneck Lotto Winner

A redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The redneck says:
“I want my $20 million.”
The man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”
The redneck said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.”
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”

The Boss and the Lotto

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his Tats Lotto ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.
She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night’s Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.
The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away.
After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully.
Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room:
– I just want to let you all know something. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don’t like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, ‘cos I’ve just won a crap-load of money, and I’m leaving!
End of job. End of marriage. End of story.

The Farmer and the Lottery

I saw an interview on TV where this one old farmer won ten million in the Lottery. Naturally he was asked what he was gonna do with all that money. He kinda scratched his head and said, “Not sure as I know right off. Guess I’ll keep farmin’ till it’s all gone.”

The Blonde and the Lottery

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost m y business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays… “God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays… “My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask You for help, and I’ve always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself….
“Sweetheart, work with Me on this…. Buy a ticket.”

Post Topic: Lottery Jokes

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