Here are a few one-liners from comics and comedians
Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’
I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
My favorite animal is steak.
Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.
In a nutshell, just be good and kind to your children, because not only are they the future of the world, but they are the ones who can eventually sign you into the home.
A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
I’ll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.
I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.
Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looks like.
The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.
I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner.
Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
Every day people are straying away from the church, and going back to God.
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, Let there be light! And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman knows.
I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: I wanna know your name…
Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.
I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Before I met my husband I’d never fallen in love, though I’ve stepped in it a few times.
Why is it when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one? Don’t eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under D.
Hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody and they meet at a bar.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
I’ve had a wonderful evening – but this wasn’t it.
32 Responses to “Some Great Funny One-liners From The Best Stand Up Comics and Comedians””
January 15th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Great….. and very funny
January 18th, 2008 at 6:13 am
A group of seals were being chased by a whale. The swam into a cave. What did they all say?
[from moderator: That's it? What's the punch line? What's the answer? I searched for this "joke" and couldn't find it to find the ending. Anyone know the punch line?]
Craig Wroe Says:
April 11th, 2008 at 9:28 am
I would presume they said nothing becuase seals can’t talk but there must be another awnser…
I opened the front door this morning and a 8ft cockroach was stood there, he smacked me to the floor and started beating me up. Later on I heard there was a nasty bug going around.
Callum Cleary Says:
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I decided that for a talent show i would show my stand up comedy skills. When i arrived i was told that standing was not allowed, sit down comedy was not a talent of mine.
Lindsey Breanne Ronan Says:
September 14th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
You know how people feel sorry for kids without parents? What about us who do?
I love piñatas. They teach a great life lesson, when you want candy hit a donkey with a stick.
October 18th, 2008 at 10:46 am
answer to the seal joke— nothing – they just blubbered
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
all these jokes are wack and i dont mean that in a good way
noel fielding roks Says:
December 21st, 2008 at 4:47 pm
a great qoute “c’mon lets touch in a i’m christ you’re a leper sort of way” go noel
January 15th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Thanks for a great page! I laughed a lot :D
milton obote Says:
February 24th, 2009 at 3:21 am
am an up coming comedian based in kenya am very happy with your creativity
February 27th, 2009 at 7:50 am
don’t get the duck song
they were okay i guess
February 27th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Milton, are you going to use “our” creativity in “your” routine? A comedian from Kenya,heh. Thats a good start. You’ve gotta a treasure trove of material there. Did you here the one about the two oxen who walked into a tribal ceremony?
milton obote Says:
April 4th, 2009 at 3:21 am
homer, i can’t use your creativity, am just inspired by your level of your creativity
James Loveridge[Wales] Says:
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:20 am
What Is A Shitzoo?
A Zoo With Out any Animals
June 26th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
what do you get wen u cross an ellephant and a rhino………… Eliphino!!!
August 5th, 2009 at 1:10 am
tom you ruined a decent joke by leaving 1/3 of it out, good job
September 17th, 2009 at 3:11 am
hilarious, loved it <3
November 19th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
In response to Ethan about the seals. they said oh crap here’s the mom..
John A Says:
December 4th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
hahaha, mitch hedburg! haha that donut one is so funny, people please download that one
i am easy to be misunderstood but hard to understand
February 21st, 2011 at 7:05 am
every time i feel like exersize…i lay down for a while till the feeling has passed………. i ran around the block the other day like three times…after wards i got a soda and put the block back under my bed……. i really hate jogging man, cause i spill my beer the whole time…..
July 4th, 2011 at 7:54 am
Two dogs got married yesterday, only to get divorced next day, one of them was heard to say I could’nt stand it anymore she was just such a bitch..
July 4th, 2011 at 7:57 am
What do you call a lumber jack without a chainsaw
July 4th, 2011 at 8:02 am
What do you call a blindman who has crossed the the road without his guide dog?
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