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(after Allie accidentally swallows a quarter) Grandpa: Relax! Kids swallow quarters all the time! Melanie: Really? Grandpa: Sure! If she cruds out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying. (After Max and John had spaghetti sauce poured on top both of their heads:) Max: Do you think we should ask her for … Read more

Yeah, 3 cheeseburgers, 2 large fries, 2 chocolate shakes and a large coke. #1: Phil? Phil Connors? Phil Connors, I thought that was you. Now don’t you tell me you don’t remember me ’cause I sure as heckfire remember you. #2: Not a chance. #1: Ned… Ryerson. ‘Needlenose Ned’? ‘Ned the Head’? C’mon, buddy. Case … Read more

Some people say forgive and forget. I say forget about forgving and just accept. And get the hell out of town. #1: I’ll give you an answer if you give me an airplane #2: What if your dad comes in? #1: You can give him one too #1: You’re a fucking psycho #2: Don’t rush … Read more