Current politics has you confused beyond all belief? Can’t tell socialism from feudalism, democracy from bureaucracy? Sick and tired of all the pundits and pacifists arguing on TV about who is what? Do not worry, we have you covered. Here’s our handy guide to the whole political spectrum, laid out in cows! Follow this manual to cows and politics and you will be caught up in no time. Never worry again if you’re mixing your political terms, labels, or titles. There is nothing like a good dose of humor to lighten the heavy atmosphere of today’s political scene.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
SOCIALISM: You have two cows, give one to your neighbor.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Give them to the government. The government gives you milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them,and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. Give the milk to the government.
PURE FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
NAZISM: The government shoots you, takes the cows and feeds one to the army and the other to the police.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull OR you slaughter the cows & compete with McDonalds.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ANARCHISM: Keep the cows. Steal a few more cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CONSERVATISM: Milk the cows, enbalm the cows, freeze the milk, nuke the cows to keep from spreading the disease. Phase out over five years the amount of milk you’re required to give to the government.
LIBERALISM: Give the milk back to the cows. Let them escape. Put the cows on the Voter Registration list.
LIBERTARIANISM: Milk the cows and keep it for yourself; hope the populace can find milk elsewhere.
MILITIAISM: Start shooting if they come for your cows.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps’ brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there’s like… these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk!