Movie Quotes from Withnail and I: Quotes from the movie Withnail and I

I find the cauliflower more beautiful than the rose

‘I´m a trained actor reduced to the states of a bum.’

(Looking hungrily at a live chicken.) We must kill it quickly before it tries to make friends with us. How do we make it die?

(Toasts) To a delightful weekend in the country!

(Yelling out of the car window at some schoolgirls.) Scrubbers! Scrubbers! (Talking to the driver.) Little tarts, they love it!

… Fucker’s alive!!!

1 The thermostats, what have you done to them?
2 i haven’t touched them!
1 Then why has my head gone numb?

1 What else have you got?
2 I’ve got nothing!
1 Liar! what’s in your toolbox?
2 nothing Withnail!
1 Liar, you’ve got antifreeze!
2 You know you shoul never mix your drinks!

1-What’s that? 2-(Holding twig)The fuel and wood situation.

1: Look at him! Look at Jeff Woad. His head must weight twenty pounds on its own! Imagine the size of his balls… Imagine getting into a fight with him!
2: Please, I don’t feel good.
1: That’s what you’d say, but that wouldn’t wash with Jeff. No, he’d like a bit of pleading, add spice to it. In fact, he’d probably tell you what he was going to do to you before he did it: ‘I’m gonna pull your head off – no! please don’t pull my head off! – I’m gonna pull your head off, cos I don’t like your head!’

1: What happened to your cigar commercial?
2: That’s what I want to know, what happened to my cigar commercial? What happened to my AGENT? Bastard must have died…

2:I told you, you’ve been bitten!

1:I think they maybe something livin in there.Something alive!
2:What do you mean .A rat?
1:its possible Its possible!
2:Then the FUCKER will rue the day!

1:I’m going to rip you’re head off (talking to himself)
1:no please dont rip my head off
1:i’m going to rip you’re head off because i dont like you’re head

A coward you are, Withnail. An expert on bulls, you are not!

accident black spot! They’re throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness! [to a pedestrian] Throw yourself in the road darling, you haven’t got a chance!

And so the old order changeth, making way for the new, and soon I suppose I will be swept away by some vulgar little tumor!

Ay, seen the fat man. London type. Queer sort. Think his name’s French or something.

Bastards! I’ll show the lot of you. I’m gonna be a starrrrrrr.’ll all suffer…i’ll show the lot of you….i’m gonna be a star!!!

Black puddings are no good to us…I want something’s flesh!

Chin Chin !

Come on lads. The sky is begining to bruise; night must fall and we shall be forced to camp.

Could we have two quadruple whiskeys and two pairs of pints please?!

Danny: …if I spiked you, you’d know you’d been spoken to.

Danny: If I medicined you, you’d think a brain tumour was a birthday present.

Danny: Sit down man, find your neutral space. You have done something to your brain. You have made it high. If I lay 10 mills of diazipan on you, you will do something else to your brain, you will make it low. Why trust one drug rather than the other. That politics ain’t it.

Danny:p Trade, phenyl di-hydrochloride benzorex. Street, the embalmer

Don’t threaten ME with a dead fish!

Dont Drink that.Why Not?That’s worse than meths,even the wankers on the site wouldnt drink that.Nonsense,this is a far superior drink to meths,the wankers dont drink it because they cant afford it!

even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day

For 2 quid, you can stuff it up your arse and fuck off while your doing it!

Fork it!

FORK IT!!!!!!!!!

Get in the back of the fucking van!

Get in the back of the van

get in the back of the van!



Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain

He’s going to your room…It’s you he wants….offer him yourself

Here hair, here.

Here hare here

Here’s to a lovely weekend in the country!

here.. hare.. here.. Here, hare here!

Honestly officer I’m fine, I’ve only had a few ales!

How dare you call me inhumane, right you fucker i’m going to do the washing up!

How dare you tell him I was a toilet trader!

how do we make it die?

I assure you officer, I have only had a few ales

I called him a Ponce, and now I’m calling you one. Ponce!

I can assure you officer ive only had a few ales!

I can never touch meat till its cooked, As a youth I used to weep in butcher’s shops.

I can’t help being upset. I used to cry in butcher shops as a youth.


i demand to have some booze

I don’t advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.

I feel like a pig shat in my head.


I feel unusual

I fuck arses.

I fuck arses? Who fucks arses? Oh god! Maybe HE fucks arses. Maybe he scrawled it on the wall in a moment of drunken sincerity.

I happen to think the cauliflower more beautiful than the rose.

i have of late but wherefore i know not, lost all my mirth

I have some very distressing news…… We’ve run out of wine

I know where you are. You’re at Crow Crag. I’ve been watching you.
Especially you, prancing like a tit. You want working on boy.

I know you’re not asleep, boy, but HE is.

I mean to have you, even if it must meen burglary!

I must have you! Even if it must be burglary!

i shall never play the dane !!

I shall probably be swept away by some vulgar little tumour

I told you, you’ve been bitten

I want the finest wines known to humanity and I want them here and I want them now

I will have you even if it is burglary!

I wouldn’t drink that.

I’m making time.

I’m not from London you know

I’ve come on holiday by mistake

I’ve just narrowly avoided having a buggering. I’ve come in here with the express intention of wishing one on you.

I: I’m not a homosexual.
M: Of course you are!

If I medicined you you’d think a brain tumour was a birthday present.

If I spike you, you will know you have been spoken to

Indeed I remember my first agent, Raymond Duck, the most dreadful
little israelite, four floors up of the charing cross road and never a job at the top of them

It is the most shattering experience of a young man’s life when he awakes and quite reasonable says to himself: I will never play The Dane.

It is the most shattering experiences in a young man’s life, when he wakes one morning and quite reasonably says to himself, I will never play the dane.

It’s a far superior drink to meths

jesus, look at that…apart from a raw potato thats the only solid to have passed my lips in the last 60 hours

Jesus, you’re covered in shit!

Look at him! Look at Jeff Wode, his head must weigh fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the fucker. In fact, he’d probably tell you what he was going to do, before he did it. I’m going to pull your head off. No don’t pull my head off! I’m gonna pull your head off because i don’t like your head!

Look! My thumbs have gone weird. I’m in the middle of a fucking overdose. My heart’s beating like a fucked clock. I feel dreadful.

Look,we’re bonafide…we’re not from London

Marwood: Speed is like a dozen trans-atlantic flights without ever getting off the plane. Time Change. You lose, you gain. Makes no difference so long as you keep taking the pills.



Monty, you terrible cunt!

My thumbs have gone weird!

Never attempt anything without the glove!

never attempt anything without the gloves

Never mix your drinks

Old suit? i’ll have you know that this suit was cut by Hawkes of Saville Row! Just becuase the best stitching you’ve ever seen is above your fucking appendix!

rejuvinate? I’m in a park and I’m practically dead. What good’s the countryside gonna do me?

Right,you fucker! I’M going to do the washing-up!


she got a doll on christmas what pisses itself .. ‘orrible really, but they like that, the little girls

That bloody silage heap! That BASTARD! I’ll show you, I’ll show you all!

The Coward you are Withnail, an expert in Bulls you are not!

The fucker will rue the day!!

The joint I’m about to roll can utilize up to twelve skins.

there comes a time in an actor’s life when he wakes up one morning and realises he shall never play The Dane

There followed another anecdote about his sensitive crimes in a punt with a chap called Norman, who had a book of poetry stained with butterdrips from his crumpets.

There is a certain je ne sais quois about a firm, young carrot.

There must and shall be aspirin. If I do not have aspirin, I shall die.

There must, and shall be aspirin.

If I don’t hsve aspirin, I shall die on this fucking mountinside

these are teh sort of windows faces look in at

This doll has voodoo qualities…

Those are the kind of windows faces look in at!

Those are the sort of windows faces look in at!

Throw yourself into the road, darling, you haven’t got a chance!

Two quid?! You must be mad! (Marwood: That’s sense Withnail) You can shove it up your arse for nothing and fuck off while you’re doing it!

Very,very foolish words, man!

W.Bastards, just one suck of that miserable cheap cigar and the bastards won’t see me. M. Why are we having lunch in here? W. It’s dinner and Danny’s here. M. Danny?? How’d he get in here? W. I let him in this morning. He lost one of his clogs, he came in because of this perpetual cold. How i hope tobacco sales plummet. M. I’ve got your saveloy, here i don’t want it. W. Then stick it in the soaptray and save it for later. M. Don’t vent spleen on me i’m in the same boat. W. STop saying that! You’re no in the same boat. The only thing your in that i’ve been in is this fucking bath!

W: How dare you call me inhumane! I: I didn’t call you inhumane, you imagined it.

W: where’s the whiskey?
I: What for?
W: I’ve got a bastard behind the eyes and I can’t take aspirins without a drink. Where’s the aspirins?
I: Probably in the bathroom.
W: You mean we’ve come all they way out here in the midle of fucking nowhere without any aspirins…
(surprised this one has been quoted yet…)

And When they reach Crow Crag:

W: There must and shall be aspirins. If I don’t have aspirins I shall die right here on the fucking mountainside!

W: You want me to call whats-his-name? I: Yeah. W: Ok what’s his number. I: I don’t know, I’ve never met him. W: Well neither have I. Who the fuck are you talking about?

We are multi-millionnaires

We want the finest wines available to humanity. We want them here, and we want them now.

We will buy this this place. And we’ll install a fucking jukebox. Liven you stiffs up a bit!

We’ll buy this place and install a fucking jukebox and liven all you stiffs up a bit!

We’re not drunks, we’re multi-milionares!

We’re not drunks, we’re multi-millionares!

We’re not from London!

We’ve come on holiday by mistake!

We’ve gone on holiday by mistake

What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, how like an angel in aprehension, how like a God! The beauty of the world, paragon of animals; and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust. Man delights not me, no, nor women neither, nor women neither.

What fucker said that?

Who’s the spade in the bath?

whta piece of work is a man

Why haven’t I got any soup?

Why’ve you drugged their onions?

Withnail – At some time or another I wanna stop and get hold of a child. I – What d’you want a child for? Withnail – To tutor it in the ways of righteousness and to procure some uncontaminated urine.

(He spits and gazes at it.)
Jesus, look at that. Apart from a raw potato, that’s the only solid to have passed my lips in the last sixty hours. I must be ill.

Withnail:Are you the farmer? Marwood:Shut up. I’ll deal with this. Withnail:We’ve gone on holiday by mistake. We’re in this cottage here…..Are you the farmer? Marwood:Stop saying that Withnail.Of course he’s the fucking farmer

Yes, don’t attempt anything without the gloves!

You have done something to your brain. You have made it high.

You mean we’ve come out here in the middle of fucking nowhere without aspirins?

You’re lying, you’ve got ANTIFREEZE!

You’ve been trudging about in this ghastly mud and omska.

you’ve got eels down your leg

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