(on the answering machine) BERNIE: Hello you have reached the Fockers, were not around, so leave us a message, Goodbye…..Roz! How the hell do you shut this thing off? ROZ: I have no idea, just press a button. BERNIE: Alright I’m pretty sure its off. Honey! You want a chimichanga? ROZ: I thought they give you gas? BERNIE: A little bit but its worth it. ROZ: Worth it for you, but I’m the one that gets the fumes. BERNIE: But honey, I’m in the mood for a chimichanga! ROZ: So make a chimichan–*beep*
–Can’t you be Sam, the carpet-cleaning man?
–It’s illogical. Why would a carpet-cleaner have whip-cream?
–It’s a scam. That’s how they make all their money.
–That’s true. You don’t need it.
–You think you can take me, Flowerman?
–I’m pretty sure I can, Mr. Mom.
GREG: I didn’t have a monster crush… BERNIE: Oh its not true? Then I didnt catch you doin a little baziga to her passport photo when you where what, thirteen?
GREG: Oh yeah, I’ve heard about this baby signing stuff, this is like cutting edge… JACK: Well at his age, Greg, his mind is like a sponge. But when he reaches your age, for example, his mind will be far less capable of absorbing useful information.
A regular Clarance Darrow.
Almost like a young, half-Hispanic Marlon Brando.
And skeletons don’t like living in closets.
As a courtesy to your fellow passengers, please remember that the onboard lavatory should be used for number 1 only. Should the need for number 2 arise, we’ll stop at the nearest rest stop, gas station or heavily wooded area.
Bernie Focker: Hello, you’ve reached the Fockers. We’re not around, so leave us a message. Goodbye. Roz, how the hell do you shut this thing off?
Roz Focker: I have no idea. Just press a button.
Bernie Focker: All right, I’m pretty sure it’s off. Honey, you want a chimichanga?
Roz Focker: I thought they give you gas.
Bernie Focker: A little bit, but it’s worth it.
Roz Focker: Yeah, worth it for you, but I’m the one that gets the fumes.
Bernie Focker: Honey, I’m in the mood for a chimichanga!
Roz Focker: So make a chimichang…
BERNIE: Moses is perfectly trained. GREG: Dad, he humps everything that moves…. ROZ: Honey, he’s just like his father…
BERNIE: You killed an innocent creature of the sky? GREG:…I dont…did I? I did…I dont..I might have clipped it…never really checked.
Can you believe I concieved him with one testicle?! No really, its true. I only have one because the other never dropped, its called an undescending testicle, its not uncommon. But look at him…Imagine what he woulda looked like if I had two!
Conga you Fockers!
Don’t worry, you’re rental insurance should take care of it.
Greg, don’t infantilize him, talk to him like an adult.
Greg: Okay, you don’t have a patent on the circle, Jack.
GREG: They don’t call me Barry Poppins for nothing. JACK: …Why would someone call you Barry Poppins? GREG: …..They wouldn’t…
GREG: Whats the sign for sour milk, cuz this tastes a little funky.
JACK: Thats because thats from Debbie’s left breast, Greg.
Have I ever said the words ‘macho-wacho’ to you in my life?
I can’t have a chink in my chain.
I don’t like what I am see from these Fockers!
I used to call him a young Jewish Marlon Brando.
I’d like to Fockerize you.
If your family circle joins my family circle, they’ll form a chain. I can’t have a chink in my chain.
Jack, you have issues.
JACK: Dina! Wake up and make Greg a cappuccino! Shake a leg woman! GREG: Jesus Jack! You know I’m not that tired…really. JACK: Relax Greg. This cockpit’s completely soundproofed. You should have seen the look on your face. GREG: Oh ok, ok..you got me, that was a good one. JACK: yes it was. yes. GREG: Funny… JACK: But you should never talk to a woman like that, you know that. Its disrespectful. GREG: Right. Of course…yeah.
JACK: Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what’s truly important. Do you know what that is?
GREG: Love…friendship…just love..I think.
JACK: His legacy.
GREG: That too.
JACK: I call it the Manary Gland. I had it made from an exact cast of Debbie’s left bosom. GREG: Oh, yeah…OK. JACK: Its been so effective I’ve been thinking of having it patented. Would you like to touch it?
GREG: …Uh…I wouldn’t. JACK: Oh come on, feel how soft it is. GREG: I can see how soft it is from here. JACK: No feel it Greg. GREG: Its very…it looks very… JACK: Just feel the breast Greg. Oh…watch the nipple. Just around here. The nipple is his. GREG: Oh…yeah, yeah. Its got a great lifelike…and a …Or what I imagine Debbie’s breast might- might actually feel like….not that I would know…
JACK: Its nothing to be ashamed of, breast feeding is perfectly natural. PAM: Dad thats not natural…..thats just…weird.
JACK: Oh I didn’t know they make 9th place ribbons. BERNIE: Oh, Jack, they got em all the way up to 10th place.
JACK: Wanna honk the horn? GREG: Um….sure. JACK:….Only the captain gets to honk the horn.
Keep her at 55, stay alert.
Mom, I’m truly not comfortable having this conversation with you. I’ve been telling you that since I was eleven.
Mr. Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to do in the event of a submersion.
No monkey business.
Nurse, you’re gonna have to deliver that baby yourself.
Oh honey you promised you wouldn’t take the boob out in front of company.
Oh, I didn’t know they made ninth-place ribbons.
Remain calm, your son has merely been stunned by a less than lethal weapon. right now 50,000 volts of electricity are being passed through your skeletal tissue. Your central nervous system has been incapacitated, you will remain motor vehicle functions momentarily
ROZ: I think that baby might need a couple pulls on that knocker of yours, Jack. JACK: No, its OK, were Feberizing him. ROZ: You’re what? JACK: The Ferber Method. You let him cry it out, this way he doesn’t depend on coddling. ROZ: On the other hand, the Continuum concept shows that a baby benefits from constant physical contact. JACK:…..We use the Ferber method. BERNIE: …We used the Focker method. We hugged and kissed that little prince like there was no tomorrow. We Fockerized him…
ROZ: Look at this, I married a teenager….at least you have the libido of a teenager. BERNIE: I gave her a little matinee today.
Says here you’re retired. What’ll you show me next, old-timer, your AARP card?
Since there’s a water scarcity on he island, we kind of abide by the If its yellow let it mellow, if its brown flush it down policy…….Oops, forgot my own rule.
SNack pack for Little Jack
Sorry Greg, the card only comes in one gender.
That’s your father?
The heater conked out. Now matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn’t coax Greg’s tiny little turtle from its shell.
They don’t call me Barry Poppins for nothing.
This position is terrific for anyone with osteoporosis, gout, or goiter.
We fockerize them.
We have to get off this island. It’s evil.
We’ll get drunk, we’ll take a piss in the lagoon.
We’re going to get married.
Well, in these uncertain times, Greg, I opted for a Kenlar-reinforced hull with two-inch thick plexiglas windows.
When was the last time you gave your wife breakfast in bed?…when was the last time you gave your wife anything in bed?!
Yo soy tu papa.
You Fockerized him!
you know what it means when the cowboy hat is on the door now put it back on
You were riding him like Seabiscuit!
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Meet the Fockers’: Quotes from the movie ‘Meet the Fockers’