(1)I swear to God, that if you ever tank another play like the one you did today, I’ll cut your nuts off and stick ’em down your fucking throat. (2)coffee, anyone.
How’s your wife and my kids?
# 1: I’ve never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.
# 2: Most of these guys never had a prime.
# 3: This guy here is dead!
# 4: Well, cross him off then.
#1 Leave her alone #2 Suck my dick
#1:Who’s that? #2: That’s my wife #1: Does she know that? #2: I mean, she would have been, if I hadn’t screwed things up. #3: You want me to drag him out of here, kick the shit out of him?
‘Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant.’
(1) Who’s that guy she’s with? (2) I don’t know..He’s not wearing a name tag.
(clapping) 1.) Whoa, you really got a hold of that one. 2.) Yeah, what was that, a slider? 1.)Man it was oughta here.
(Douchenut throwing the cocktail party): Stay away from her. (Taylor) Suck my dick.
(Pepper) Look at this fucking guy.
(spoken in japanese)THE’RE STILL SHITTY!
(Yankee pitcher?) leads the league in strike-outs. He even threw at his kid in a father son game.
*I’m gonna get that bitch on the phone. *You wanted to talk to the bitch? Arent you going to cover yourself? *We’re out of towels, and I’m too old to go diving into lockers. *I can handle it if you can.
-Cerano is lookin to sacrifice a live chicken. We cant have people pukein in the club-house before the game.
-One hit, only one god damn hit. -You can’t say god damn on the air. -Don’t worry, nobody’s listening anyway.
1) A quarter of the season is gone. We’re 15 and 24. 7 games out of first. That’s bad, it’s not bad enough. Plus, this team is shhowing signs of improvement. I didn’t think we’d win 15 games all year. Any ideas?
2) On how we can get worse?
1) Yeah.
2) How about a series of fines for good plays. Maybe a $30,000 bonus for the guy voted Least Valuable Player.
1) This guy here is dead 2) Cross him off then
1) This guy here is dead. 2) Cross him off then.
1) what language is this? 2) french. 3) they got chilidogs over there? 2)forget it i’ll order.
1)Call the stewardess, Vaughn. I need one of those bags.
2)There aren’t any stewardess.
1)I wonder if there are any pilots.
1)I’m not much for giving inspirational addresses. I’d just like to point out that evrey newspaper in the country has picked us to be last. The local press seems to think that we;d save everyone a lot of time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I’m for wasting sportwriters time. So, I’d like to hang around and give them all a nice big shit-burger to eat.
Everyone:(Laughing)
2) Shit-burger?
1)Just get it over the plate. I want him to swing.
2)Last time I did that, the guy hit one that hasn’t landed yet.
1)Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it.
1- I’ve heard baseball players make a lot of money. 2- Well, it depends how good they are. 1- How good are you? 2- I make the league minimum.
1. What language is this? 2. French. 1. They got chili dogs over there?
1. What the hell league you been playing in? 2. Californa Penal.
1.What the hell league have you been playin’ in?2.California Penal.1.Never heard of it,how’d you get there?2.Stole a car.
1/ So what team do you play for, Jake?
2/ The Indians
3/ Right here in Cleveland?… why, I didn’t think they still had a team
3/ Yep, we have uniforms and everything…. it’s really great!
1/ Well I guess there’s just one thing left to do…
2/ What’s that?
1/ Win the whole… fuckin’… thing!
1/_If you ever EVER tank another play like you did today, I’m gunna cut your nuts off and stuff em down your fuckin’ throat!!
2/ Coffee anyone?
1/_Just get one over the plate, I want him to swing
2/_Last time I did that the guy hit one that hasn’t landed yet
1/_That’s all we got?? One goddamn hit???
2/_Shhhh you can’t say *goddamn* on the radio
1/_ Don’t worry, nobody’s listening anyway
1: I’m with the Indians.
2: Here, in Cleveland? I didn’t know we still had a team!
1: Yeah, we’ve got uniforms and everything. It’s really great.
1: Leave her alone. 2: Suck my dick
1: What is it… chick? 2: That’s my wife. 1: Does she know that? 2: Well she woulda been… and who’s that guy she’s with? 1: I don’t know, he’s not wearin a name tag. 3: Want me to drag him outa here… kick the shit out of him? (shakes his head no)
That’s all we have is one GODDAMEd hit? You can’t say GODDAMED on the air! Dont worry no one is listening!
All right Harris, lets not start a Holy War here, ok?
American Express Card, Don’t Steal Home Without It!
Are you trying to say that jesus christ cant hit a curve ball!!!
Ball four..Ball eight…Ball twelve and Vaughn has walked the bases loaded.
Ball one…Ball four…Ball eight…low and Vaughn has walked the bases loaded on twelve straight pitches. Boy I don’t know how they can lay off pitches THAT close…
Bats no hit curveball. Bats afraid of curveball.
Bring the shit to me man!!!!!
Brown: Nice Velocity. Pepper: Sounded like it. Brown: How much? Radar Guy Guy: Ninety-six. Brown: Jesus. Let’s teach this kid some control before he kills somebody.
Brown: Tire World. Donovan: Lou Brown? Charlie Donovan, General Manager of the Cleveland Indians. How would you like to manage the Indians this year? Brown: Ohhhhhhh, I dunno. Donovan: What do you mean you don’t know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues. Brown: Lemme think it over, will ya’? I got a guy on the other line about some white walls. I’ll talk to ya’ later.
C’mon Jake, it’s only your life.
Cerrano no hit curveball, hit straight ball very much.
Cerrano: Hats for bats. Dorn: Yeah? What’s your handicap? Cerrano: Keep bats warm. Gracias.
Charlie Donovan: Must be Cerrano. Defected from Cuba, wanted religious freedom.
Lou Brown: What’s his religion?
Charlie Donovan: Voodoo.
Crist I can’t find it, the hell with it.
DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH HAY FOR THAT?
Don’t you guys go nowhere. I plan to put on a hitting display.
Fan #1) No that’s too high.
Fan #2) Too high?!
Fan 1: Too high? Fan 2: You know, the trajectory. Fan 3: Who gives a shit, its gone.
Forget about the curve ball, Give em the heater.
Forget the curve ball, Ricky. Give ’em the heater.
Forget the curveball Rickey, give ‘im the heater.
Fuckin’ Dorn!
Funny. Real fucking funny asshole.
Get him a uniform.
God damnit Dorn get in front of the damn ball. Don’t give me this o’lay bullshit.
Good evening all you wahoo maniacs and welcome to another edition of *Teepee Talk* and hey! if you haven’t noticed lately and judging by your attendence, you haven’t, the Indians are actually winning a few here and there and are threatening to climb out of the cellar!!
Harris: You might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of foolin’ around with all this stuff.
Cerrano: Ahhh, Jesus. I like him very much. But he no help with curveball.
Harris: You tryin’ to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball???
Harry Doyle: HEY, in case you haven’t noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven’t. The Indians have managed to win a few here and there and are threatening to climb out of the cellar.
Harry Doyle: Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust a bit outside. He tried the corner and missed…
Hayes: Shoulda gotten the live chicken
He’s not the best color man in the League for nothin folks.
Hello! Do you know us?!
We’re a Major League Baseball Team!
But, Since we have’nt won a pennant in nearly 40 years, nobody recognizes us. Not even our hometown fans.
That’s why we carry the American Express Card.
No matter how far out of 1st we are, it’s cool. It helps us get into our favorite hotels and restaurants and stuff.
So if you’re looking for some big league clout, apply for the little green home run hitter.
Look what its done for us. People still don’t recognize us, but hey-
We’re contenders now.
The American Express Card. Don’t steal home without it.
Hey bartender! Jobu needs a refill.
Hey Lou don’t you think we should have a prayer, We’re all not savages like Cerrano. Jin Cat tru Gatron. Dear Father [Loud BOOM and smoke] Have to wake up bats! Ok shit can we try this again. Dear Heavenly father we humble pray that you will guide and protect us as we grit up our loundes to take the field of battle lead us into victory [fire-alarm and sprinkler goes off]in the name of Jesus Christ.
Hey Rechtler!
You got a chance to be a hero on national TV, ir you don’t blow it that is.
hey taylor what you doing back here ah i couldnt cut it in the mexican leagues
Hey Taylor, How’s you wife and my kids?
Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.
Hi Reckmond. Hell of a situatation we got here. Two on, two out, you guys trailing by one in the ninth. You got a chance to be a hero on national television. If ya don’t blow it. By the way, I saw your wife at the PreLounge last night. Hell of a dancer, you must be proud. That guy she was with, I mean, I’m sure he was a close personal friend and all, but tell me, what was he doing wearin’ her panties on his head?
Announcer: Swung on and popped up.
How can guys lay off pitches this close.
how’d you cut your hair Veg-O-Matic?
I got news for you Mr. Brown, you haven’t heard the last of me. You may think I’m SHIT now, but some day you will be sorry that you cut me. I’m gonna catch on somewhere else, and every time that I pitch against you, I’m gonna STICK IT UP YOUR FUCKIN ASS!!!
I hate this fucking song
I look like a banker
I look like a banker in this!
I used to have a pair just like em. Besides, seeing is the most important thing. I don’t think it’s that important.
I want Parkman. I want him.
i wish we had him 2 years ago
we did
I’m tired of this nickel and dime shit!!!
I’ve only got one thing to say to you: Strike this mother-fucker out!
If you ever tank a ball like you did today, I will cut your nuts off and shove ’em down your fucking throat!
if you want to become an interior decorator after this thats your business but some of us still need this team
If you’ve been watching, and judging by the attendance you haven’t, the Indians are threatening to climb out of the basement.
is that you tolbert
Is very bad to steal Jobu’s rum. Very bad.
It’s too high! What do you mean its too high? I mean too hard! Too high, too hard, either way its outta here!
Jake: Que Pasa there Pedro…Pedro: I can no hit curveball, straight ball I hit it very much…curveball bats are afraid. I ask Jaboo to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, and rum…he will come! (3) You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around here with all this stuff. Pedro: Ah Jesus, I like him very much…but he no help with curveball… (3) You trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball!!
Jake: Would I bull shit you about something like that? Coach Brown: You better, if you want to make this team.
Jeez Stop mama jumu, look I good to you, I stick up for you, if you no help me now, I say fuck you jobu, I do it myself
JUST a bit outside!
JUST a bit outside, tried the corner and missed…
Just a bit outside. Ball 4, Ball 8, Ball 12 and that loads the bases. How can the be laying off such close pitches?
Juuuuuuust a bit outside.
Last time I threw one, he hit one that hasn’t landed yet.
Look at this F$#%ing guy
Look at this fucking guy!
Look at this fucking guy.
Looked like a strike anyway.
Lou Brown: Thought you didn’t have any high-priced talent. GM: Forget about Doren cause he’s only high-priced.
Lou: Who the hell is that? Charlie: Must be Cerrano. He defected from Cuba because of religous persecution. Lou: What is his religion? Chralie: Voodoo
Nice catch ((name)), don’t ever fuckin do it again.
Nice catch Hayes, don’t ever fucking do it again.
Nice catch Hays, don’t ever fuckin’ do it again!
Nice to meet you Hayes, the parking lot is right out there.
no way too high
Now You listen to me this is my last shot at a winner and for other guys it could be there only shot now i dont know what happend to you but if you ever ever take another play like you did today im gonna your nuts off and suff them down your fuckin throat.
Oh cut with the Ra Ra Shit Taylor, you’re after this like a free agent.
Oh what a bunch of bullshit, I have a much better body than she does!
one more year in the sun
Personally, I think we got hosed on that call.
Pissed off now Joboo, look i good to you, i stick up for you, you no help me now………..i say, fuck you Joboo, i do it myself
Post game show brought to you by (a little pause) Christ I can’t find it. The hell with it
READ.
Real fucking funny, asshole.
Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant.
she bet me fifty bucks she had a better body than you, and i HAD to defend your honor-jake
Shit, I been cut already?
shoulda gotten the live chicken
Shut up Dorn. Save all that energy for the field.
strike this fucker out
Strike this Mother’ OUT!
The American Express card – don’t steal home without it!
The Indians Win It! The Indians Win It! Oh My God, The Indians Win It!
THE INDIANS WIN IT!!! THE INDIANS WIN IT!!! OH MY GOD!!!THE INDIANS WIN IT!!!
The Indians win! The Indians win! Oh, my God! The Indians win!
The post-game show is brought to you by… (goes through papers). Crist I can’t find it. To hell with it.
There are 108 beads in a catholic rosary and 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance.
— Annie Savoy
They got chili dogs over there?
They tell us you’re a pitcher. You’re not much of a dresser. We wear caps and sleeves at this level, Son.
they’re still shitty
This guy threw at his own kid in a father son game.
Too high? What do you mean too high?
Up your butt Jobu.
Vaughn a juvenal delinquent in the off season, making his Major League debut.
We wear caps and sleves at this level son.(Grabbing his cup)
Well, you may run like Mays, but you hit like Shit!
What do you want me to do, dive for it?
Whoa! ‘Nother freak show candidate. What’d ya’ use to cut your hair, rook? Vege-O-Matic? Nice earring, too. Have you got the, uh, matching bracelet? Vege-head?
Why hell, we got two or three potential all-stars
Wild thing….. you make my heart sing.
Yo, Bartender, Jobu needs a refill.
You better watch yourself Rog!
You may run like Mayes, but you hit like shit.
You may run like Mays but you hit like shit.
You may run like Mays, but you hit like SHIT!!
You might run like Mays, but you hit like shit.
You put snot on the ball?
you tryin to tell me jesus christ can’t hit a curve ball?
You trying to say that Jesus Christ can’t hit a curve ball
You want me to drag him out of here, kick the shit out of him?
You want me to drag him outta here? Kick the shit out of him?
YOU, BARTENDER, JOE BOO NEEDS A REFILL
[wiping his finger across his chest] Crisco, [wiping it across
his waist line] Bardol, [wiping it along his head] Vagisil. Any one of
them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve
ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I’ll rub a little
jalapeño up my nose, get it runnin’, and if I need to load the ball up
just [wipes his nose] wipe my nose.
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Major League’: Quotes from the movie ‘Major League’
