(1)Alright, you want it in the chest, or the head?
(2)Yeah, that’s what your wife said.
(1)Hey man, stop with the wife shit!
(2)Ask me how fat she is. Ask me.
(1)How fat is she?
(2)She’s so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. If you wanna fuck her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in! She’s so fat, her high school picture was an aerial shot!
(1)Leather pants.
(2)Yeah.
(1)What’s something like that run?
(2)Six-fifty.
(1)Six hundred and fifty dollars?
(2)Yeah.
(1)They’re pants.
(2)Yeah.
(1)You wear them?
(2)YES.
(1)They don’t, like, have a TV in them or something?
(2)Nope.
(1)I am very old.
– I seemed to have dropped my cigarette…. may I have another?……. – – yeah sure pal…. – I’m gunna need a light…. you touch me again & I’ll kill ya
– Oh?!… you dont believe in love?!
– Sure I believe in love…. I believe in cancer….
– Man I wanna meet the bitch that fucked you up
— Oh?!… you dont believe in love?!
— Sure I believe in love…. I believe in cancer….
— Man I wanna meet the bitch that fucked you up…..
—I seemed to have dropped my cigarette… may i have another???— yeah sure pal…. — I’m gunna need a light….. if you touch me again I’ll kill ya
1) Danger’s my middle name.
2) Mine’s Cornelius, you tell anyone I’ll kill ya.
1) Free agents ruined the god damn game! 2) We might run into some more of your fans. Wanna borrow my sunglasses?
1) Was that c-4?
2) Either that or a hell of a factory recall.
1) Dead guys don’t make bad jokes do they? Shit we’re still alive.
1) What are you doing today?
2) I was thinking of smoking aome cigerettes.
1) Can you postpone?
1)Water’s wet, sky’s blue and ol’ satan claus, jimmy, he’s out there and he’s just getting stronger. 2)Oh yea so what do we do about that? 1)Be prepared son. Thats my motto. Be prepared.
1. What did you do last night?
2. I think I fucked a squirrel to death.
1. Hey man you ever play sports? you got a good build 2. what are ya a fag? 1. nah man, just trying to break the ice 2. I like ice, leave it the fuck alone 2. oh your real fun to be with 2. fuck you
1/ You’re nobody
2/ Shhh…. don’t let it get around
1/_Don’t worry, Ill find your dad, ok?
2/_How?
1/_When in doubt, try the nearest bad guy
1/_God, you’re such a fuck-up!
2/_Darian, you are my daughter and you are in my house and you will respect me, you got that?? You don’t call me a fuck-up!!
1/_Why shouldn’t I? Mom calls you that all the time!
2/_Your mother called me a fuck-up? When?
1/_On the phone with uncle Jay
2/_Uncle Jay? Christ *I’m a fuck-up* but uncle Jay??… now there’s a real stand up guy, the guy cheats on his taxes all the time, why don’t you go ask your mother why *Mr Wonderful* isn’t in jail for tax fraud
1/_Because he doesn’t fuck up
1/_Where ya goin’
2/_To the bathroom, you wanna come?. The doc says I shouldn’t lift anything heavy
1/_You bastard!!
2/_…and then some!
1: Danger’s my middle name.
2: Mine’s Cornelius. You tell anybody, I’ll kill you.
1: What, you don’t believe in love?
2: Yeah, I believe in love; I believe in cancer.
Ain’t Life a Bitch
Alright what would Joe do? Shoot some guys and smoke some cigarettes
BAD GUY: You think you’re so fucking cool, don’t you! You think your so fucking cool. But just once…I would like to hear you scream…in pain!
GOOD GUY: Play some rap music.
Best arm in the national league, remember that you fat son of a bitch.
C’mon now think, think, think Jimmy, what would Joe do?? He’d shoot everbody and smoke some cigarettes
Danger’s my middle name.- Mine’s Cornelius, tell anybody and I’ll kill you.
Don’t try this at home folks, I’m a trained professional…. there’s me and there’s Super-Dave!
Fast-Forward eats the tape.
Fuck that! Fuck you, fuck that!
Fuck you, you fuckin’ redneck!
Hail to the King baby….
I feel like I’ve been rolled hard and put away wet.
I figure you gotta be the dumbest guy in the world, Joe. You’re trying the save the life of the man who ruined your career, and avenge the death of the guy that fucked your wife.
I spilled my warm cup of piss
I swear to christ kid if I survive this case I’m gonna dance a jig.
I think I just fucked a squirrel to death….
I wish the sky wasn’t blue, I wish water wasn’t wet and I wish I didn’t love my wife
I wish water wasn’t wet, I wish the sky wasn’t blue, and I wish I didn’t still love my wife.
I wish water wasn’t wet. I wish the sky wasn’t blue..and I wish I still didn’t love my wife.
I’d shave but i’m afriad I would start thinking of you and slit my wrists.
If you were driving any faster we would be going back in time!!
It looks like an apple with lines coming out of it.They’ll be thinking,don’t open the briefcase its full of fresh fruit.
joe – rescue attempt flash?
jimmy – blow me
milo – you must be james
jimmy – james?
joe – does that with everybody. calls me joseph
Joe, if we go any faster we’re gunna go backwards in time!!!
Joe…if we go any faster we’ll go back in time.
MAN #1: Hey, I fucked your wife.MAN #2: How’d you know it was my wife?MAN #2: She said she was married to a big pimp-looking motherfucker in a hat.
Mike:She’s hot Joe. She rates a three on my finger scale. That means that I’d cut off three of my fingers if God would let me fuck her.
Joe:Make her one on your nose scale, improve your looks.
Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You gonna loose. Smile, you fuck.
Now I am not saying she’s fat but her high school picture was an aerial photograph….
Nowadays all I do is lose friends, drink and nail anything with a heartbeat
oh so you knpw who i am?
James Alexander Dix, Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, 89-90, banned from the league on gambling charges, allegations of drug abuse, another tragic tale of wasted youth.
Now you’re starting to piss me off.
‘Bout Fuckn time, Joe Holenbeck.
Look like a fuckn low life to me.
At least i didn’t piss away all my talent on coke.
Oh sure it was an accident, it coulda happened to anyway. You tripped and fell and accidently stuck your dick in my wife. Oops sorry Mrs. H guess it just isn’t my day!
Oh you forgot I was a dective……. Ill tell ya what. I’m gonna count to 3 then im gonna put a bullet through that closet.
Okay, what would Joe do at a time like this? He’d kill everybody and smoke some cigarettes
On your finger scale, how good was my wife?
Play some rap music.
Police Lieutenant: I could nail you for obstruction.
J: You couldn’t nail a two dollar whore.
Right now, I’m trying to figure out which one of you looks like my dick
She easily ranks a *2* on my finger scale…. that means I would gladly cut off 2 of my fingers if God would let me fuck her
She rates a 3 on my finger scale….. that means that I gladly cut off 3 of my fingers if God would let me fuck her
She’s like 13 and if you even look at her funny I’m gonna stick an umbrella up your ass and open it
Shit, we’re being beat up by the inventor of Scrabble.
So i’m a low life.
Stick your head in that speaker over there and you’ll be screaming pplay that funky music WHITE BOY
This is the nineties. You don’t just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.
Touch me again, I’ll kill ya
water is wet
Waters wet, the skys blue, wemen have secrets.
We’re being beaten-up by the inventer of scrabble.
What’s that number in the back of your head? Is it a license plate in case someone tries to steal it?
Where did you get the suit, grandpa… *Gangsters-R-Us*???
Who’s the guy in the closet?
Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?….becasue his dick was stuck in a chicken!
Wife: [justifying her infidelity] You were never around. You know what? Fuck you, Joe. I was lonely!
Husband: Buy a dog.
yeh you slipped and accidently stick your dick in my wife, sorry mrs h it just aint my week
yeh you slipped, tripped and accidently stick your dick in my wife, sorry mrs h it just aint my week
You better hurry up that’s one of those new plastic keys the kind that shred.
You don’t think an old man like me could hurt you do you, Jimmy?
you just knocked over my warm cup of piss
You know, the kind that shreds
You made me spill my piss
You the bad guy?….I am the bad guy……..and I am supposed to be trembling or something like that….something like that…well.I’ll start trembling in a minute…..
You touch me again and i’ll kill you.
[1 & 2 are trying to warn bodyguards about a bomb in the briefcase that they are carrying.]
1: Now what are you doing?
2: I’m drawing them a picture.
1: What’s that?
2: It’s a bomb.
1: It doesn’t look like a bomb, it looks like an apple with lines coming out of it. What are they gonna say, ‘Don’t open the briefcase, it’s full of fresh fruit’?
2: Do you want to draw the damn thing?
[2 shows 1 the drawling of a bomb with ‘bom’ written below]
2: Happy?
1: Are you kidding me?
2: [shows the drawing to the bodyguards] Always criticizing my shit. I can’t do nothing right.
1: [the bodyguards shoot at them] Oh, shit!
1: I forgot to tell you. ‘Bom’ means ‘fuck you’ in Polish.
2: Hey, that’s not funny man. I almost bought it there!
1: Tragic loss to the art world, let me tell ya.
[1 & 2 are trying to warn bodyguards about a bomb in the briefcase that they are carrying.]
1: Now what are you doing?
2: I’m drawing them a picture.
1: What’s that?
2: It’s a bomb.
1: It doesn’t look like a bomb, it looks like an apple with lines coming out of it. What are they gonna say, ‘Don’t open the briefcase, it’s full of fresh fruit’?
2: Do you want to draw the damn thing?
[2 shows 1 the drawling of a bomb with ‘bom’ written below]
2: Happy?
1: Are you kidding me?
2: [shows the drawing to the bodyguards] Always criticizing my shit. I can’t do nothing right.
1: [the bodyguards shoot at them] Oh, shit!
1: I forgot to tell you. ‘Bom’ means ‘fuck you’ in Polish.
2: Hey, that’s not funny man. I almost bought it there!
1: Tragic loss to the art world, let me tell ya.
[looking at himself in the mirror] Nobody likes you… everybody hates you… you’re gunna lose…. smile, you fuck!
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Last Boy Scout, The’: Quotes from the movie ‘Last Boy Scout, The’
