(falls off bridge with bungee cord around his ankles…)
DAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG
(scene where joe dirts bangin kickin wing in the ass) dirt: how ya like them damn snakes kickin wing, Kickin wing: ide rather have sparklers Dirt: you need the shit that go boomb like this load all over your glasses
**talking to Kicking Wing**
Then you can change your name to kicking ass, that’s what I’d do.
– The peanut’s a dead giveaway.
– That’s a…umm…that’s a space peanut.
-I got a good name for this car. Rusty.
-Shit’ll buff out.
1) I’m here for work, name’s Joe Deer-tay. 2) Don’t try and church it up, son, don’t you mean…..
1) That’s not a meteor. That’s a big pile of frozen shit! 2) What? N-no. That’s a meteor. It fell from the sky. 1) I’m sure it did, cause it fell from an airplane. See the peanut there? 2) Maybe it’s space peanut. 2) Yeah. Nope, that’s a big ball of frozen poopy.
1- (thick cajun accent) Home is what you make it. 2- You like to see homos naked? 1- Naw naw naw…HOME is what you MAKE it. 2- Yeah yeah, you like to see homos naked. ok then whatever…
1. There’s a snail in the desert? 2. Yea ‘cuz the alien space ship dropped him off. 1. And he can talk? 2. Yea, because they gave him magical powers–Dude, you’re focusing on the wrong part of the story!
1. Why don’t you do us all a favor and drive this piece of crap off a cliff! 2. Shit’ll buff out. 1. Don’t bother.
1: It puts the lotion on the skin! 2: Say it dont spray it, i need a towl 1: It does what its told! 2: Okay, i’m putting the lotion on the skin, i’m rubbing it in. between the two of us the thing with the dog is goming off a little fruity
A little reverse physcology here… I LIKE HAVING HOT DOGS THROWN AT ME IT DON’T BOTHER ME NONE
As oil rig explodes all over and Joe holds on to the pipe…
Joe Dirt: I’m new. I don’t know what to do!
at least it was’nt hot chili day
Awe….That’s not professional!
Awwwww, crybaby, why dontcha git yerself a Wahhhburger and some French Cries….
Bad to the bone.
BAM! Does your mother sew?
Better an outlaw than your in-law. You heard me?
Boy: you wanna see ma girlfriend u’d shit yourself.
Brandie’s Dad at the RR track: That dog better be bringin’ somebody.
(music that follows while Charlie get’s a little: Bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yea bow wow yippie yo yippie yea )
Buffalo Bob: It puts the lotion on! It puts the lotion on the skin!
Joe: Dang man i hear ya, say it dont spray it.
Buffalo Bob: It does what its told!
(This is the police we have the place surrounded)
Joe: Hey little help, it puts the joe dirt in the hole.
Buffalo Bob: It puts the lotion on! It puts the lotion on the skin!
Joe: Dang man i hear ya, say it dont spray it.
Buffalo Bob: It does what its told!
(This is the police we have the place surrounded)
Joe: Hey little help, it puts the joe dirt in the hole.
Buffalo Bob: It puts the lotion on! It puts the lotion on the skin!
Joe: Dang man i hear ya, say it dont spray it.
Buffalo Bob: It does what its told!
(This is the police we have the place surrounded)
Joe: Hey little help, it puts the joe dirt in the hole.
Buffalo Bob: It puts the lotion on! It puts the lotion on the skin!
Joe: Dang man i hear ya, say it dont spray it.
Buffalo Bob: It does what its told!
(This is the police we have the place surrounded)
Joe: Hey little help, it puts the joe dirt in the hole.
Carson Daly: Uh, you’re not supposed to drink the bong water, ma’am…
Clem: You’re talking to me all wrong, it’s the wrong tone. Do it again, and I’ll stab you in the face with a soldering iron.
Clif talking to the wall: Your talkin to me all wrong it’s the wrong tone you do it again, I’ll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Let me ask you this…Does your mom sew? BOOM! Get her to sew that up.
Crash into me.
crocadile
Dang!
Do you honestly think your little six can match Joe’s 427 Hemmy? Balls to da wall.
do you want me to take you down to mcdonald’s and get you a wamburger and french cries.
does your mother sew? [boom] get her ta sew that!
Gas-O-Line….Breakfast of Champions
Giving up is not an option, brother. You gotta keep on keepin’ on.
go over there, practice fallin down ill be there in a minute.
Good try sir (old man):dammit (Dirt) sir god forbid you dont win everytime
Guard:i got a name for this car..RUSTY.
joe: it’ll buff out
Guard:don’t bother
guy in studio: do you use the stuff with the scrubbing bubles?
Joe: they clean the bowl so you don’t have to…. no i didn’t.
Here on earth, we call this place a town. Town’s where everybody’s mean to ya and the kids all try to beatcha-up.
hey 1969 called they want their hair style back.
hey 5dollars right on. ur my lucky meteor.
hey dad i got the good stuff none of that pussy skole right dad…. dad?
Hey kickin wing, when you get big, I’d change your name to Kickin Ass…
Hey lady, I can see down your shirt.
Hey Robby, what’s crappenin?
hey stud man
Hey, Your talkin to my guy all wrong, wrong tone, you do it again and ill stab you in the face with a saudering iron! – Christopher walkens, in Joe Dirt
Ho dirt, did i getchya , na, im cool, no your not
I can see down your shirt !!!
I did it! I roped him with the bungee cord!
i got a mike right here……..i even got a backup mike………….test test, one-two one-two
I got a name for your car, how about rusty
I got the poo on me
I got the poo on me!
i hear people
I like you metetor. You’re cool.
i think im go to the restrooms and take a big Joe. dont forget to whipe your dirt
I thought I broke my Ass bone.
I thought i had broken my ass bone.
I thought I had broken my assbone.
i told them meteor. You had my back, you’re cool.
I’d love to beat your ass up and down this place, but i got to get back to work.
I’m a true rocker through and through….you wanna here a list of my favorite bands….AC/DC…Van Halen………….Not Van Hagar, Skynird, Def Lep.
I’m a white trash idiot?
i’m like a bird, more like a hard ass terydachtal
I’m new, I don’t know what to dooooo!
If i told you, you had a nice body.Would you hold it against me?
Im here for work, Joe Dirte…Dont try to church up your name son, dont you mean joe dirt? namin you that your daddy must have really hated you! Your wrong brother!
Im not your sister, so we can have sex again.
im your sister im your sister OH YOUR MY SISTER
is that queer? is this queer? theyre large and in charge and lookin for chickies!
is this queer, is this queer………..whats up
Is this thing through yet? How much is in it?
IS THIS WHERE YOU WANNA BE WHEN JESUS COMES BACK, MAKIN’ FUN OF POOR LITTLE JOE DIRT
Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back?
it does what its to told
it does what its told
It puts the lotion on it’s skin!
it puts the lotion on its skin
It puts the Lotion on its Skin! You have no idea what kind of hell i can bring you!!
IT PUTS THE LOTION ON!
It’s ok, his balls are just stuck to the porch! go get me some pam and a spatula.
its puts the lotion on the skin
Joe Dirt: I got a mike right here… I even got a backup mike… and they don’t like no feedback.
Joe Dirt: So you’re gonna tell me that dont have no Black Cats, no Roman Candles, no Screaming Meemies?
Kickin’ Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Oh come on man, you don’t got no Ladyfingers, Buzz Bottles, Snicker Bombs, Church Burners, Finger Blasters, Gut Busters, Zippedy-doodas, Crap Flappers?
Kickin’ Wing: No, I don’t.
Joe Dirt: You’re gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand and tell me you dont have any Whistling Bungholes, no Spleen Splitters, Whisker Biscuits, Honkey Lighters, Hüsker Düs, Hüsker Don’ts, Cherry Bombs, Nipsy Dazers, with or without the Scooter Stick, or one single Whistling Kitty-chaser?
Kickin’ Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Why?
Kickin’ Wing: Because Snakes and Sparklers are the only ones I like.
joe-kickin’wing make it stop!
Joe: Hey, ya done with that apple
Oil Man: Heh, Im done with that fart. Want that?
Joe: If it came outta Chralene Tiltons ass
Oil Man: You probably like J.R. you queer, I saw your bummper sticker. Cowboy butts drive me nuts
Oil Man:You wanna fight?
Joe: Wanna stick your head up my butt and fight for air? No,Seriously I cant I gotta get back to work.
Boss: Joe Dirt, your fired, heres your first weeks paycheck
::Joe Fights Oil Man::
Joe: You may have won the battle but I won the war
Oil Man peeeing on fire:uhhh Yea
Joe:note to self, Dont piss on a fire when youre covered in oil
::girl walks by and Joe kisses her::
Joe: Keep that skoal baby
Joe: I’ll get this puke cleaned up likity split. Speakin of likily split, lets get together later and see what’s goin on. I’m kiddin, but seriously, let’s hook up. I’m new in town, kinda lonely, lookin for my parents…..Girl:Well, the pukes right over there, it’s a pretty big pile of puke…
Joe: If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Jill: Sure will. Do you want to go back to my place?
Joe: Sure do
Joe: Wheres the puke?
Teacher: its over there
Joe: I’ll get taht cleaned up lickety split, speaking of lickety split we should get together later, see whats goin on, nah im just kidding, but seriously, we should hook up.
Teacher: Yeah, so the puke piles over there, its a pretty big pile of puke.
JOE:WHAT AM I SAYING?I JUST CALLED MY SISTER HOT.
Joe:Why are trees good, why’s the sunset good, why are boobies good?
Joe:you finished with that apple core?
Man at oil rig: Nobut im finished with that fart, you want that?
Keep on Keepin
Keep On Keepin’ On
Keep that scoal baby, thats what I’m talking about.
Keep that SCOAL baby….datswhati’mtalkin’about !
Keep that skoal baby, thats what I’m talking about.
KL5-0143.
Life’s a garden, dig it.
Life’s a garden–dig it.
luckily my neck broke my fall
Match? You wanna match? I gotta match, my face and your ass…no wait…your ass and my face…yeah…wasssup.
Most kids would’ve been scared, but I was all tough about it.
Nah,nah. Your talkin’ to my guy all wrong. Say it again, and I’ll stab you in the face with a sautering iron.
Naw man , but you gotta keep goin. What am i gunna do, quit? Naw man you gotta keep on keepin on. Life’s a garden, dig it?! You gotta make it work for ya. You never give up. Thats my philosophy
no what we got here is a giant chunk of frozen poopie!
Oh gross you were eating off that!
No you’re talkin to me all wrong! It’s the wrong tone. Do it again and I’ll stab you in the face with a sowry iron. BLOOM! does your mother sew? get her to sew that
Not that I’d ever sale ya meteor..not in a million years. But just fer kicks, let’s see how much yer worth.
Now this mo-fo knows not to mess with Sir Joseph Dirt.
Nu-Uh, you cant have no in your heart. your KickingWing, and one day you’ll be Kickingwing the animal doctor…then you can change your name to kicking ass…I would.
Oh yeah, you are….i mean you aren’t…worth it.
Oil rig worker: you wanna fight. Joe: how bout i stick your head up my but and let you fight for air.
OK, OK, IM PUTTIN’ THE LOTION ON THE SKIN. GEEEEZ. LOOK THE LOTION IS ON THE SKIN. NOW WE HAD A DEAL. SEND ME DOWN MY AUTO TRADER MAGAZINE.
one time i was jerkin’ my gerkin’
ooooh look at that shit, man we are gonna get so busted, lets get out of here
Robbie spins dirt on him from his tires…
Joe Dirt: That’s okay man. I’m cool.
Robbie: No you’re not.
Robby: You alright Dirt?
Joe Dirt: Yeah, I’m cool.
Robby: No you’re not.
Rule #1, I’m #1
Signed Brandy XOXO
So, you wanna come in? We can have sex!
Son, thats not a meteor thats a big petrified ball of shit!
Swerve them potholes… we got an A-bomb in the back!
Talk in the microphone I got a back up mic right here. check one,two testing testing,yeah they both workin and guess what? they dont like no feed back wassup ?
that aint no meteorite, thats a big hunk of frozen poopie
fuck you
That hug was completely asexual.
That’s a Big ole frozen chunk of Shit. Whahhhh!
the only reason i’m doing this is because i heard that buffalo bob guy shoved a road flare up your bunghole. whaaaaaat! ooh raw!
The symbol looks very stern. -Kicking Wing
THERES 3 THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN DEALING WITH A DEADLY ALLIGATOR, AND YES THEY ARE DEADLY DONT KID YOURSELF. RULE NUMBER 1 I’M NUMBER ONE. I LIKE TO KID AROUND RULE 2 THE CROCS NUMBER 2. NOW BEFORE I BEGIN. HEY WHATS RULE 3? WHATS THAT? KID GIMME A BREAK MAN. SO YOU DONT KNOW RULE 3? YEAH YOU WANT A MATCH, MY FACE AND YOUR ASS HOW BOUT THAT FRIEND HUH? I MEAN YOUR ASS AND MY FACE WHATS UP?
They’re large, in charge and lookin’ for chickies
Things are gonna happen for me, I’m Joe Dirt.
Think these are queer?
This here’s Rocky & he ain’t no puppy.
This where ya wanna be when Jesus comes back?
Uhh.That’s a space peanut *rolls eyes*
Walken: Yeah, born and raised. No not yet, Kansas.
Wanna fight? Why dontcha stick you’re head up my butt and fight for air?
Watch the guns, baby. That’s how I get the gals.
Well look who it is, dirty Joe Dirt
whadda farreak mann your goin ta hell you just said yerr sisters hott
What’d you say? Whoa! You’re talking to me all wrong. It’s the wrong tone! If you do it again, I’ll stab you in the face with a soldering iron.
what’s crappenin’
What’s the deal with your hair? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?
what’s this?…..five dollars?…it’s mine now…..you’re my lucky meteor
whats the story here im a white trash idiot.
WHERES MY SUPPLIES?
Whhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttt?
Why did you leave me there at the garbage that day at the Grandy Canyon? Hell, I dunt care if I see yall for another 25 years.
Why don’t you and me get naked and start the revolution
Why don’t you go practice fallin’ down, I’ll be there in a minute
Why don’t you go practice fallin’ down…..I’ll be there in a minute.
why don’t you go practice falling down, i’ll be over there in a minute.
Why don’t you guys go over there and practice falling down… I’ll be over in a minute.
Why don’t you stick your head up my butt and fight for air.
Why don’t you talk into the microphone? i got backup mic right here, check one two
why dont we go to mcdonalds and get you a wineburger and some french cries
Why dont you go down to McDonalds and get you a whine-burger and some french cries. How bout a whinekin? You little sissy boy, DEAF LEOPARD SUCKS!
why dont you talk into the microphone, i got a backup mic. right here *blows* check one two testing testing yup they both work and guess what? they dont like no feedback was up was up.
yeah, you’re right, that’s definately what we should do…..but first
You bring the jingle, I’ll bring the jangle, your people meet my people we’ll get together.
You can come out now…..
you done with that applecore?
(fart) I’m done with that fart you want that?
You got something to say to me? Speak into the mic i got a back up mic right here testing one two testing yup they both work and they dont like feedback. whats upppppppp
you gotta keep on keepin on
You gotta keep on keepin on ya know,lifes a garden dig it?you never give up.
YOU KNOW, I’M ONLY DOING THIS FOR YA ‘CAUSE I HEARD THAT BUFFALO BOB GUY SHOVED A ROAD FLARE UP YOUR BUNGHOLE.
you like those spinning tires
you like those spinning tires do ya
You like to see homos naked?
You see Joe, I’m not really your sister. So we can have sex again….What’s wrong Joe? Don’t I turn you on?….You wanna go back to thinking I’m your sister?….I’m your sister I’m your sister I’m your sister
You think you can mash that slant six against this 426 Hemi, well BRING it on little boy, WOOHOOO!!
you wanna fight?
how about you stick your head up my butt and fight for air? haha
you wanna fight? you can stick your head up my ass and fight for air.
You wanna match, my face and your ass… I mean your ass and my face, what’s up!
you wanna rule three? how bout my face in your ass…i mean your ass in my face, whats up?
You want me to put my ear to the ground, listen for hoof beats, check for footprints, look for broken twigs, but this is the modern age. That STUFF doesn’t work anymore. Which is why I had to open this FIREworks stand. I wasn’t gett by on my tracking wages. -Kicking Wing
You’re my sister. You’re my sister.
You’re saying you have no black cats,
Roman candles or screaming meemies?
Come on. You don’t got no ladyfingers,
buzz bottles, snicker bombs…
…church burners, finger blasters, gut
busters, zippedy-doodas, crap flappers?
No, I don’t.
You’re gonna stand there,
owning a fireworks stand…
…and say you have
no whistling bungholes…
…spleen splitters, whisker biscuits,
honkey lighters, Hüsker Düs and don’ts.
Cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with
or without the scooter stick…
…or one single
whistling kitty-chaser?
No.
You’re talking to my guy all wrong. Do it again and I’ll stab you in the face with a sautering iron.
You’re talking to my guy all wrong. It’s the wrong tone. Do it again… and I’ll stab you in the face with a soldering iron…
You’re talking to my guy all wrong… It’s the wrong tone. Say it again, and il stab you in the face with a soldering iron.
You, show me them boobies!
you, show me those boobies
zander kelly-joe u livein in a boiler room(joe) yeah i got a couple places
Zander: You mean to tell me that you’re so ingrained with white trash DNA that your facial hair grows in….on it’s own…all white trashy like that..?
Zander: so your name is joe dirt?
Joe: Yea i added an E at the end so its Joe Dirte(Deer-tay)its actually pretty cool
Zander: You mean to tell me that you’re so ingrained with white trash DNA that your facial hair grows in….on it’s own…all white trashy like that?
[joe in hot air balloon]I can see down your shirt!
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Joe Dirt’: Quotes from the movie ‘Joe Dirt’
