1.(thinking) Wolf will win the jackpot and Virginia will love him even more! But if Wolf wins, then Virginia gets the mirror, then Virginia goes home!(out loud)Oh, cripes! 2. 160, bad luck, sir. 1.(delighted) Thank you, tickey poo, another!(lays another coin on the table)
(climbs up rock) 1. Oh, you made it! 2. Yeah, we’ve been here quite a while. 1. Really? 2. Yeah, about an hour. 1. I didn’t know it was a race! 2. (looks down) I didn’t know that was a path.
(reading out aloud)Breaking the Cycle, Heal yourself in 7 days, Stop Blaming Yourself, Please, and Help for the Bedwetting Child which I picked up by mistake but I got them all!
(sights mirror in antique shop) 1. THAT’S IT! THAT’S IT! 2. Don’t turn it on in here, you moron, everyone will see! 3.(taps mirror with cane) Hmmm, what do you think? 1. I wouldn’t bother getting excited about it, just a piece of junk. 3. At first, I thought it was a reproduction, late naked emperor at best but I think it’s older than that, quite a lot older.
-slap!- How dare! How dare you speek to me like that!
1)You’re a complete idiot!2)if only! Now my father, he was a complete idiot… I’m still a half-wit!
1. (looks through mirror) That’s home, Fritz. 2. It’s not home for me, Tony and you can’t possibly think of going back while you remain my manservant. 1. Ok, let’s get something straight, your royal dogness, I am not your manservant!
1. (talking to himself) Every aspect of my life, I am guided to my highest happiness and fulfillment. Every day in every way, I am becoming a new and better man. I am listening to my emotions and am one with myself and-and(smells breakfast) TONY, YOU’RE RUINING THE BACON, I CAN SMELL IT BURNING!
1. As you can see, sir that in a way, this mirror actually is ours! 2. No, it’s not, I bought that fair and square. I buy a whole batch of things every year for the village prizes at the competition. 3. Yes, your honor, we know how these things really work so how about I slip you a few gold coins. 2.I’m a judge, I don’t like people trying to bribe me now not another word before I have you thrown out of the village!
1. As you commanded, Majesty, the most powerful poison ever created! 2. Smells divine! Have you tasted it yet? 1.(turns pale) Of course not, your Majesty. 2. Well, how do you know it’s the most powerful poison ever created? TRY IT! (1. tastes the drink before keeling backwards on the floor)
1. Because you have been kind, I have a lesson for you, for all of you! Take this stick,(hands one to Virginia) Break it. Put these three together and try and break them. 2. (straining) I can’t. 1. That is the lesson. 3. (sarcastically) Wow, I think that was only worth one sandwich. 1. When the students are ready, the teacher apppers! 3. You didn’t go to my school.
1. Blabberwart, got any magic mushrooms? 2. No, I got some dwarf moss, it’ll really blow your head off, though. Last time I took it, I saw fairies for three days! 1 and 2: Nicey nice, roll us a giant. 1. This is gonna be a long night.
1. Call it. 2. Have you got Mr. Bun the Baker Man? (1. sees that he has one and tosses it to Tony, who has three other pairs) 2. Ah ha ha ha ha, read ’em and weep, oh, poor baby, look at my happy families!
1. Ha ha! And Mrs. Bones, the Butcher’s Wife, makes another complete set. 2. Well done, dad. 1. Oh, hey, I’m up over 600 here but I’m not gonna break the bank playing Happy Families, I gotta go to the high roll table. 2. What are they playing over there? 1. There’s no card game that scares me, remember the week we spent in Vegas back in ’93? 2. When we had to sell the car? 1. No, it was the year before that.
1. Ha ha, welcome back, boy, time for walkies! So, how did the haircut go? 2. I think I might’ve overdone the axe trim just a little. 1.What? (notices Virginia walking in with real short hair) 3. DON’T SAY A WORD!
1. Here’s a question I never thought I’d be asking. What happened to Snow White after she married the prince? 2. She became a great queen, one of the 5 women that changed history. 3. 5 women? 2. Snow White, Cinderella, Gretel the Great, Queen Riding Hood, and the Lady Rapunzel. They formed the first five kingdoms, brought peace to all the lands but they’re all dead now. Some say Cinderella’s still alive but noone has seen her in public for 40 years, she would be nearly 200 years old. The days of Happy Eevr After are gone, these are dark times.
1. Here’s to Tony Lewis: biggest failure in all the ten kingdoms. 2. No, Antony, my failure is much worse than yours. This has been a test of kinghood and I have failed dismally. 1. It’s not your fault, you got turned into a dog, that can happen to anybody! 2. Antony, I’m starting to forget things, like my parent’s names and great big chunks of my life, it’s like-it’s like-it’s like someone’s stealing my life from me.
1. Hey, hey! 2. WHAT??? 1. Just don’t look at my daughter like that. 2. Was it this look, Tony? (pants happily) 1. Just stay away from her, alright? You got a criminal record! 2. How can I stay away from her? We’re on a very small boat, I may bump into her accidently at any given moment. 3. Hey, will you stop talking about me like I’m not here?
1. HOW DID THE QUEEN ESCAPE? 2. I’m telling you, I have no idea! 1. THEN WHY WERE YOU FOUND LOCKED IN HER EMPTY CELL? 2. I am an innocent victim, I have never been in trouble with the police in my entire life. 1. Then why are you wearing handcuffs? 2. Because I’m wanted for armed robbery, which I had nothing to do with either.
1. I am alone and unarmed. 2. As am I. 1. I have done what you’ve asked, now where are my children? 2. To be quite honest, I have no idea, I simply used them as an excuse to get you to meet me. 1. Then I will kill you. 2. Don’t you wish to know my great plan first? 1. I have known your plan all along, to put the imposter prince on the throne then rule the 4th kingdom yourself. 2. Do you think I spent 7 years rotting in jail just to rule one of the nine kingdoms? I plan to have them all. 1. Where do I fit in? 2. Yes, I see what you mean. 1. I have heard enough, trolls arise! (an army of trolls surround the queen from the apple trees)You didn’t expect that, did you? My men have been hiding for the last hour. 2. I’m impressed at your foresight, if you had arrived 2 hours earlier, you would’ve found me poisoning the apples!(the troll army falls down dead) Poison is something of a science with me and I seem to have timed it just right, you know what they say, Relish? An army marches on it’s stomach! (sticks an apple in Relish’s mouth and he falls dead)
1. I am but a poor old woman, spare me some food. 2. Sorry, we’re down to our last six bacon sandwiches. 1. Good sir… 3. I only give to registered charities. 1. Young lady… spare me some food, please! 4. I’ll give you what I have! 3. Virginia, you are such a soft touch! 2. Yeah, soft touch! 3. Hey!
1. I am simply trying to fit the ring to the lady. Well, I shouldn’t insult you by showing you these ordinary gold and diamond engagement rings. 2.(sarcastically) Gold and diamond…1. Or even these, handmade by royal dwarves! 2. Royal dwarves? 1. Feast your eyes on these!(a bunch of rings quarrel over out loud about who should be chosen)1. I hate to be prudent, sir, but these rings are disgracefully expensive. 2. Money is no object.
1. I insist you leave, trolls are not allowed in the 4th kingdom without proper permits. This is a gross violation of the nine kingdoms treaty. 2. Shut your mouth. 1. Unless you leave this instant, I shall notify Prince Wendell and soldiers shall be sent! (Relish knocks the mayor back into the crowd) 2. I am declaring war on the 4th kingdom and I challenge Prince Wendell to come and face me within 7 days or I shall claim his kingdom as my own.
1. I know your destiny, you ask a question and then die before it’s answered. 2. Who are you??? (1. smiles broadly)
1. I think I need to have a few words with you. 2. About what, Tone? 1. I think you know what I’m worried about! 2. Is it your hair? I know, it’s falling out- 2. NOT MY HAIR, my daughter!
1. I think we might be in her pocket! 2. Hmmm? 1. I think she might’ve shrunk us, than put us in a matchbox…in her pocket! (all three look around) 2. That’s ridiculus! You’re falling to pieces, get a grip on yourself, how can we be in a matchbox, you idiot, where are all the matches?
1. I want all these people out of here now, Murray, except your wife. I had no idea you had so many relatives! 2. You can go! 3. Be with you in a moment, Murray, just got to pucker up to the master(attempts to kiss Tony’s butt). 1. No, hey, hey, you already kissed me three times today. 3. Let me kiss you again, master. 1. No! Go clean something, you’re ridiculus.
1. I’m just wondering what you were doing on the roof of that building! How could you? With the mirror, our only hope! 2. Are you stil going on about the mirror, it’s gone, I’m sorry but it’s done! 1. You know, I spend my whole life looking after you and you’re alone for 5 minutes and look what happens? 2. Look after me, who’s looked after you for 20 years? I always had to go to work but no, it’s just poor little Virginia, me, me, me, me, me. 1. I really hate you sometimes! 2. You know what? Go ahead if it’ll make you feel better, have a nice long hate, I’m used to it.
1. I’ve never seen anyone as happy as you to lose, sir. 2. Well, have you ever been in love, miss? 1. Just the once, sir. To a knight but he was married.
1. Is this the best restaurant in town? 2. Do you know what time it is? Go away! 1. No, it’s an emergency, I need the entire restaurant for a marriage proposal! (2. tries to shut the door again before Wolf shoves money in his face)Now you will need to start work immediately, I want food that will sweep her off her feet but also glue her to her seat, I want her to feel that this is the meal that has changed her life! 2. I am the greatest chef in the nine kingdoms, folks travel hundreds of miles just to eat my food. 1. yeah, well, my date’s from a different dimension so don’t slip up. 2.(laughs at Wolf’s food list) That’s 13 main courses! 1. Too much? 2. Not if you’re really hungry, I guess, how many other guests? 1. Just the 2 of us. 2. Two? I thought you were gonna say 20, this is far too much food for 2 people! 1. Yeah, you’re right, skip the soup.
1. It is a singing ring, sir. The lady who slips this on her finger will have no choice, she will simply say, I do. 2. Are you sure? 1. No singing ring has ever recieved a rejection. It comes with a lifetime love guarantee. 2. Huff puff, a singing ring, I have to have it. 1. It’s yours, for the paltry sum of 7000 Gold Wendells. 2.(sees he has the same amount left)7000? Oh, seven thousand? (whimpers) 1. Is there a problem, sir? There are more rings for less important ladies. 2.(thinking hard)No, I’ll uh, I’ll take it!
1. It’s definitely not pumpkin soup, then. 2. Look at him, dead as a dormouse! 3. Mousetraps, deadly poison, processed cheese, it’s not like the old days.
1. It’s no use, we lost already, my creamy counsel, the local jury is certain to be biased against me. 2. Now THAT is what I don’t want to hear: negative thinking! Any jury can be swayed, all you need is a- (Virginia looks at a jury made up entirely of sheep)
1. Let me go, I’m not involved in this. 2. Where’s the dog? 1. I don’t know what you’re talking about. 2. Don’t make me ask again. 1. I think he’s dead. 2. I think you’re lying and you’re not lying, is he hurt? You were dragging something on wheels but the tracks were too deep for the weight of just a dog. What about the others, will they come looking for you? 1. They don’t give a damn about me. 2. So they will come, do they have any weapons? 1. Yes. 2. No weapons?
1. Listen to me, I will give you everything you desire but you must leave Beantown NOW! 2. Beantown’s old news, we have control of every village 20 miles from here, and it’s not stopping there, I’m taking my half of the kingdom right now, wanna make something of it? (laughs)
1. Listen, Lewis, you little prison princess, throw that mirror on that boat NOW! 2. I can’t, I’m afraid it’ll break. 1. As you have refused to obey my instructions, I am going to push you into the river. And as you are connected by leg irons to each of your comrades, they will also sadly drown.
1. Look out below! Close your eyes! 2. What is it? 1. DANDRUFF! 3. I do not have dand-OW! 1. Oh, some people can’t take a joke!
1. Look, we have the mirror, we can go home anytime! 2.Great! So let’s go right now before we’re turned into giant pigs or trampled by goblins or whatever’s next in this madhouse!
1. Manservant, we need to go up on deck, bring a bucket and a shovel. 2. First of all, I’m not your manservant, and if you think I’m going to-OW! What the-? (bangs head on wood)
1. Not a really attractive work but full of vitality and life, Frozen Rage, does it tickle your fancy? 2. Not even a little bit.
1. Nothing you can say will make me help him. 2. You wanna eat tonight?
1. Oh! My three friends! How can I ever thank you enough? You saved my BACON(to dog) Thanks, old chap, oh, I owe you a very big bone! 2. I’m actually still disgusted that you’re still with us, you repulse me, why did I have to save your life? 1. From now on, we are friends for life! And you, Virginia, what a courtroom drama! 3. So, um, you cured now? 1. Absolutely, back to my old self, I don’t really remember much about it but I remember that you and Tony-boy laid down your lives for me.
1. Oh, Virginia! I was just about to lose my mind, I’ve about given up all hope.(light reveals the Huntsman)2. That was the right thing to do. I move slowly but I always get what I want. Where’s the dog called Prince? Where’s the girl? 1. Just go to hell. (huntsman puts a knife against his neck)2. I will not ask you again. 1. Go ahead, kill me, I don’t even care anymore! 2. You will tell me everything long before you die. (turns around to see Virginia whacking him unconscious in the head with her torch) 3. Get up and come with me. 1. I can’t get up, my back is broken. 3. No it’s not. 1. What do you-hey, it does feel better.
1. Oh, what a moment in my life, my second opportunity to save you, my story will be immortalized in song, there’s no question about that! (yanks out a hair) I found another gray one!
1. Oh, who would’ve thought it, Juliet the axeman? 2. Yeah but is it any wonder that he turned into a sick sadist?
1. Ow! I’ve banged my sucking elfing head 200 times! 2. You should be careful! Oh, I hate dwarves, first dwarf I see, I’ll KABOB him! 1. If they see a troll, they’ll be on you like a pack of wolves and tear you limb from limb. 3. SHUTTUP! What are we, trolls or mice?
1. Poachers, they’ll kill us if they so choose, do not refuse anything that they give to you but do not consume anything that you already seen them eat first. 2.(telling Virginia) It’s like having dinner at your grandmother’s house!
1. Rise and shine! Wakey Wakey! (howls) It’s another beautiful day in the 4th kingdom! Sleep well, Virginia? 2. Actually no, I just got to sleep an hour ago. 1. You should have been on deck, sleeping under the stars, it was quite magnificent.
1. Royalty always excel at gambling! What are you looking at, shouldn’t we be going to the auction?
1. Scuse me, can you tell me who’s in charge around here? 2.(stupidly) I am the village idiot and I am in charge of the wishing well! 1. Do we have magnets in our pockets, how do we attract people like this?
1. Tell me a little about the lady. Is she a big girl? 2. No, succulently slender, lean. 1. Plain or pretty? 2.(annoyed) She’s gorgeous! Are you trying to insult me?
1. That was fantastic. That omelet was far out! (notices Tony drinking swamp water) DAD! What are you doing? 2. (singsong voice) What? What? Look who’s talking! 1.(drinking swamp water) What? 2. You had three cups!
1. That’s no good, they’ll all have to come out! 2. What do you mean come out? You haven’t even looked at my mouth yet! 1. Sit down. Would you like some candy? 2. You’re a dentist, you shouldn’t be giving people candy! 1. Why not? 2. Because it rots teeth! 1. Ah, rubbish! 2. Of course it does! 1. Well, who is the tooth extractor, eh? You or me? Tooth decay is caused by three things: Number one, poor diet, number two, not brushing properly and number three, bad fairies.
1. The queen will be very angry! 2. The queen can suck an elf for all I care! We’ve captured the witch from the tenth kingdom.
1. The time has come for me to point the finger at the REAL killer. Because…because last night, there was another man walking around dressed as a wolf, YES! (laughs) The man in the wolf mask is the REAL killer! And that murdering piece of FILTH is the one supposed to be on this witness stand now! 2. The honor of playing the wolf in the annual fair has always gone to an unimpeachable member of our society. 1. I don’t care, bring the sleazebag in, let me cross-examine him and I guarantee we’ll have our murderer. 2. And when that honor was bestowed on ME-last week, I was only to happy to accept. 1. I’m most dreadfully sorry, your Honor.
1. There’s more paw prints here, they came this way! 2. D-D-Dad’s d-d-d-dead! 1. Well, look on the bright side, no more beatings! 1. Oh, we can fail totally without fear of punishment! 3. Heck with him, old bastard! 2. Yeah, he can suck an elf! WAIT! WAIT! What are we saying? He was our DAD! He took us hunting. 1. He gave us our first weapons. 3. He told us how to keep a torture victim conscious FOR HOURS! (all wail) 2. Wait’ll we get hold of that little witch, we’ll tear her head off!
1. What are you wearing? 2. I have no choice, you have to. 1. You know, Virginia, you don’t know anything about the laws around here, as a matter of fact, you don’t know anything about law at all! Maybe I should’ve represented him. 2. Excuse me, who got you out of the parking tickets? Who took the Polaroid of the broken meter? 1. Virginia, this is a murder case! 2. Justice is universal!
1. Where is Wendell in our hour of need, WHERE IS HE? He was supposed to be performing prearranged acts of bravery before his coronation and now that there’s a real crisis, he’s just run away, he’s-He’s not fit to be king, write that down, put it down! 2. Sir, forgive me, I have the most dreadful news. 3. What is it? 2. Vicount Lansky’s horse has returned from the Great Forest…riderless. 1. Gentlemen, we have run out of options. We must accept military assistance from the first and ninth kingdoms. The price of their aid however, is indeed high. The 4th kingdom will be divided into quarters and run by the counsel of the nine kingdoms in perpiturity and Wendell will forego any chance or EVER taking the throne. 4. NO! NO! I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT! I’VE BEEN PLANNING THIS CORONATION FOR 3 AND A HALF YEARS! 1. Forget the coronation, Lord Rupert, we must sign away soverignty or lose everything.
1. Where’s the birthday girl, then? (Sally steps up) Why do you think everything the Peep’s make taste so good, Sally Shepardess? 2. (chuckles) I don’t right as know. Used to be that there’s a magic well in town but well’s dried up, everyone knows that. 1. Do they now? Well, since you’re 18, I’m going to let you in on the family secret. Go on, boys.(farmers brush away the hay from the floor) The reason there’s no more magic water in the village well is because me and my brother DIVERTED the stream, 40 years ago. The Peep’s have all the magic now!(trap doors open revealing a pit with magic sparkles)Let’s have a look at your sheep. 3. Ugly bugger, isn’t he? 1. Can’t see him winning you the lovely Shepardess competition. Well: What do you wash in my magic waters? 1. Fill this sheep with your goodness and life. (sheep is raised better-looking and Sally giggles) 2. Wilf, it’s amazing! 1. Don’t you ever breathe a word to anyone or I’ll cut your throat. Grandchild or no grandchild.
1. You are inviting trouble. 2. I’ll tell you something, war is great fun when there’s no enemy. 1. You’re very stupid, even for a troll. Wendell’s kingdom borders all the others, they won’t let it fall without a fight, the others will send in troops AND CRUSH YOU! 2. Then, I’ll kill them all, I’m not scared of anybody.
1. You idiot! This mirror was our only way home! 2. Uh, Antony, I don’t think she’s very pleased with you. Oh, it feels like everything’s going right- 3. It’s your imagination, be careful and not cut yourself, please. 4. Look, it’s the mirror breaker! 5. THERE HE IS. MIRROR BREAKER! 6. He’s broken a magic mirror, that’s 7 years bad luck! 3. Hold on, people, you don’t really believe that silly superstition, do you?(a rock falls out of the sky, landing on his head) OW! AH! Look at the size of this rock, what are the chances of that? 6. MIRROR BREAKER, GET OUTTA TOWN! WE DON’T WANT YOUR BAD LUCK HERE!
1. You know if you were kidnapped, it would’ve been all right, but Virginia? OH! Have I lost my one true love? 2. Oh, stop with the one true love thing, you’re some grubby ex-con, you’ve been nothing but trouble since we met you. 2. Don’t talk to me like that, I’ll bite you in a MINUTE!
1.Antony, under no circumstances should you let your daughter be alone with that wolf tonight. 2. Why not? 1. Should you need to ask? This is the love capital of the kingdoms, she will come back completely disheveled.
1.I won’t tell you anything about her. 2. Her?
Acorn: If you get stabbed… save the knife for me, won’t ya?
Anthony ‘Tony’ Lewis: [about Virginia] I need to know if your intentions are honorable.
Wolf: No, not really.
Baste it, roast it, toast it, nibble it, chew it, bite right through it, wobble it, gobble it, wrap it around a couple of chickens and am I ravenous!
Baste it, roast it, toast it, nibble it, chew it, bite right through it, wobble it, gobble it, wrap it around a couple of chickens and am I ravenous.
Burly: Suck an elf!
Burly: This could be a long torture session.
Virginia: I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Burly: Torture first, then you talk. It’s better that way. Rush a torture, ruin a torture.
Did you stick your finger in that fish?
dwarf in mine: Ignorance is no excuse.
Evil Queen: I hope you like dogs, Wendell. You’re going to spend the rest of your life as one.
Evil Queen: I’ve turned Prince Wendell into a dog.
Wolf: Good idea.
Evil Queen: Is there something you wanted to get off your chest?
Prince Wendell: I refuse to be a man. I insist on being a dog.
Gustav the Magic Mirror: An answer only will I chime, when questions put are asked in rhyme.
Dwarf Librarian: All early mirrors talk in rhyme.
Anthony ‘Tony’ Lewis: Of course.
Gypsy Queen: Stretch it, twist it, make it grow. Like a river, make it flow. Make it pull and pinch and tweak. Make it grow ’til she grows weak. Make her moan and scream and cry. Make her wish that she would die.
Huntsman: I know your destiny. You’ll ask a question and die before it’s answered.
Old Elf: Who are you?
I demand to be a happy puppy!
I got some dwarf moss it’ll really blow your minds, last time i took some i saw faries for three days.
I was born here in this forest, when I first saw the queen, I was still a forester, she came to my village. She stopped her hunting party to water the horses. Then she called me forward and showed me this.(reveals magic crossbow)She said when this crossbow is fired, the bolt will not stop until it hits the heart of a living being, it cannot miss. So I said what must I do to win tis magic crossbow? She said to close your eyes, fire wherever you wish, and it’ll be yours. So I did. The bolt left the bow like Gossamer and sped a mile through the trees and killed a child who was playing. I remember the Queen’s face as I pulled the bolt from my son’s heart. She said, You will be my Huntsman.
I wish that you and your entire family would kiss my ass and be my slaves forever! 2. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? (wish spell hits him) Ohhh, Master! (Tony giggles like a schoolgirl with delight and beckons the landlord into his house)
Love of my life, let down your lustrious locks!
Love of my life, let down your lustrous locks.
My what very strong arms you got. If my door wasn’t locked, I’d be scared you’d come into my house and huff and puff and blow all my clothes off.
Oh, Antony, this is the most terrible mess, look at that,(reads billboard aloud) Wendell’s disgrace! They’re canceling my coronation and all you’re worried about is getting 5,000 Wendell’s to get your stupid mirror back!
Oh, let me put your mind at rest! Now that I’ve seen you, eating you is out of the question, not even on the menu! Now this is gonna sound outta the blue but how about a date? (a broom is shoved toward his face)Ok, we started badly but I take all the blame for that!(the broom hits him in the groin) Ohhhh! You are one dynamic lady there’s no question there…(falls out the window howling onto some garbage sacks and passes out )
Prince Wendell: (Sniffing a box the Queen has bought to the carriage) Is this food?
Evil Queen: Not unless you like Troll Head.
Prince Wendell: And now, for the greatest bravery imaginable. For courage in face of relentless and terrible danger, I award my dear friends the highest medals in my Kingdom. Firstly, my temporary manservant, Antony. My people, look upon my friend. No longer is he spineless and wallowing in self pity.
Anthony ‘Tony’ Lewis: Thanks.
Prince Wendell: No longer is he a balding useless coward who would rather run than fight.
Anthony ‘Tony’ Lewis: I think they get the point.
Prince Wendell: No longer is he selfishly driven by envy and greed.
Anthony ‘Tony’ Lewis: Just give me the medal.
Prince Wendell: No. He is heroically transformed. What braver man could exist? Antony the Valiant
Prince Wendell: Happy ever after didn’t last as long as we’d hoped.
Prince Wendell: I demand to be a happy puppy!
Prince Wendell: This has been a test of kinghood. I have failed miserably.
Prince Wendell: What is your plan?
Tony: Get drunk.
Prison Guard: What in the fairying forest are you doing?
Rare implies dangerously cooked! When I say rare, I mean let it look at the oven in terror and bring it out to me! No fries, no vegetables, just MEAT! RED! As a young girl’s first blush!
Rare implies dangerously cooked. When I say rare I mean just let it look at the oven in terror and then bring it out to me.
Restaurant Owner: I am the greatest chef in the Nine Kingdoms! Folks travel hundreds of miles just to eat my food!
Wolf: Yeah, well my date’s from a different dimension, so don’t slip up
Rush a torture. Ruin a torture.
Rush a torture. Ruin a torture.
Sally Peep: If I didn’t know better, I would be afraid you’d come to my house and huff and puff and blow all my clothes off!
Wolf: Where do you live, Sally?
Seconds, anyone? No?
Shepherdess makes quite a mess, but little lambs are lovely.
Singing Ring: [singing] You cannot win her / You cannot choose her / You are just a hopeless loser!
Snow White: Hello, Virginia. You look tired.
Virginia: Are you dead?
Snow White: Well, yes. I think you’d have to say so. I’m more into the whole fairy-godmother, occasional-appearance thing now.
Snow White: This mirror will show you what you do and do not want to know.
Snow White: Why did I let her in? Didn’t I know she was bad? Yes, I did. But I also knew I couldn’t keep the door closed all my life just because it was dangerous. Just because there was a chance I might get hurt.
Snow White: You many ask for one wish, and I will try to grant it. But be sure to ask for the right thing.
Virginia: Okay, I wish… I wish my Dad’s bad luck was over. Oh! And that his back wasn’t broken anymore.
Snow White: Strictly speaking, that’s two wishes, but it’s done.
Snow White: You’re cold. You’re cold, Virginia. How did you become so cold? You’re still lost in the forest. But lonely, lost girls like us can rescue ourselves. You are standing on the edge of greatness.
Starting today, noone is allowed to leave the castle unless instructed to do so by me and me alone. If asked, you shall simply say that your master, the Prince, has returned and is well. If I hear one rumor, one whisper, that anything is amiss, I will kill your children in front of you. Messengers will be sent today to every king, queen, emperor, and dignitary in the nine kingdoms inviting them to Prince Wendell’s coronation ball. The evening will proceed as planned with one TINY exception: We are going to murder all the guests.
STOP FUSSING OVER ME, YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER! STOP SMOTHERING AND CUBBER-LOVING EVERYBODY LIKE A LITTLE DWARF HOUSEWIFE!
Suck an elf! –The Trolls
Suck an Elf! – The Trolls
Swamp Fariy #3: No! It’s my turn to be naughty!
This is the best hedgehog I’ve had in weeks.
Tony: All right! Enough! I have a question! What is the point in having a door that has a horrible death behind it? Huh?
[picks up frog]
Frog: Get your hands off me!
Tony: What does that achieve?
Frog: What are you doing?
Tony: What is the purpose of your life? Just to be a pain?
Frog: Don’t touch me there, only my girlfriend touches me there!
[Tony throws the frog through one of the doors]
[Tony slams the door, there’s a large explosion and fireball]
Wolf: I guess it’s the other one.
Tony: It’s no use, he’s a complete idiot.
Village Idiot: If only. Now my father, he was a complete idiot. I’m still just a half-wit.
Tony: That’s not funny!
Wolf: Maybe it will get funnier if we keep doing it.
Tony: What is it with you people? What kind of twisted upbringing did you have? Why can’t you just say; ‘Oh, that’ll be 100 gold coins.’ No! It’s gotta be, ‘Not unless you lay a magic egg, or count the hairs on the giant’s ass!’
Virginia: For seven men she gave her life. For one good man she was his wife. Beneath the ice by Snow White Falls, there lies the fairest of them all.
Virginia: I have a hard time trusting people. I just never want to jump unless I’m sure somebody is going to catch me.
Wolf: I’ll catch you. And if I miss for any reason, I’ll sit by your bedside and nurse you back to health.
Virginia: I really do like you. I like you a lot. And, I never want to hurt you. I think I love you.
Virginia: I’m going to die of long hair!
Virginia: I’ve gone crazy. How can I be talking to a dog?
Prince Wendell: Bark!
Virginia: Yes, I have. Don’t try to reassure me.
Virginia: Our mirror’s smashed, what can we do? Where the hell are the other two?
Gustav the Magic Mirror: Mirror one shattered be, by an oaf named Antony. Mirror two is on a bed with barnacles upon its head. What you seek has not been seen, since it was stolen by the Queen.
Anthony ‘Tony’ Lewis: Very helpful you have been, just tell us where we can find the Queen.
Gustav the Magic Mirror: Near she is but not alone. In a place that is not her home. In a castle out of sight, where once the Queen was called Snow White.
Anthony ‘Tony’ Lewis: That’s Prince Wendell’s castle!
Virginia: Well, things can’t get any worse
We either live happily ever after, or get killed by horrible curses.
Well, things can’t get any worse.
What do you think this is Lewis, an elves underwear party?
What is it with you people? What sort of twisted upbringing do you have? Why can’t you just say, oh, that’ll be 100 goid coins? No! Instead, it’s not unless you lay a magic egg or count the hairs on that giant’s ass?
Whatever you do,don’t fall asleep!
Why would there be a wasp’s nest halfway up a mountain? All the places I could put my hand, it’s just beyond belief, I’m telling you!
Wolf: But you don’t understand, I won’t be here next week!
Dr. Horowitz: Uh-uh-uh, you’re not going to intimidate me with suicide threats.
Wolf: Doc, I met this terrific girl and I really really really like her. But, I’m not sure if I want to love her or eat her.
Wolf: Don’t worry, I’m not who I used to be. I’ve had extensive therapy. I realize that I have been using food as a substitute for love and I have the books to prove it – Breaking the Cycle, Heal Yourself in 7 Days, Stop Blaming Yourself, Please, and Help for the Bedwetting Child, which I picked up by mistake.
Wolf: Forgive us, noble woodsman, but have you seen a gorgeous girl with very long hair?
Woodsman: I haven’t seen anything, I’m blind.
Anthony ‘Tony’ Lewis: A blind woodsman?
Woodsman: Have you ever seen a tree move?
Wolf: I get the feeling you still don’t completely trust me.
Virginia: I don’t trust you at all! You tried to eat my Grandmother.
Wolf: I give you my solemn wolf word.
Wolf: I picked up your trail a few days ago.
Virginia: But how? We went through a mountain.
Wolf: Virginia, I could follow your scent across time itself.
Wolf: I’ve always wanted to say this. Love of my life, let down your lustrous locks
Wolf: No, no! Rare implies dangerously cooked. When I say rare I mean just let it look at the oven in terror, then bring it out to me.
Wolf: The beanstalk has a potent smell it puts out the dogs.
Virginia: You don’t have to tell me.
Wolf: We either live happily ever after or get killed by horrible curses.
Wolf: Wolfies just PRETEND to do naughty things.
Wolf: You don’t trust no one.
Virginia: I don’t trust YOU, no.
Wolf: Well, you MAY not get hurt, but huff puff, you won’t get loved either.
Wolf: You’re as safe as a brick-built pig house.
Wolf: [catching scent of Wendell in a crowded restaurant] I smell dog!
Wolf: [singing the bacon song] Bast it! Roast it! Toast it! Nibble it! Chew it! Bite right through it! Wobble it! Gobble it! Rap it ’round a couple of chickens and I am RAVENOUS!
Wolf: [singing] A shepherdess is quite a mess, but little lambs are lovely.
Wolfies just pretend to do naughty things.
[After a mass poisoning]
Evil Queen: Seconds anyone? No?
Tony: Here lies Ivan The Optimist
[Saturday Night Fever plays]
Blue Bell: They are called ‘The Brothers Gibb’.
Blabberwort: And the song: it concerns a deadly fever that only strikes on Saturdays.
[why he’s in jail]
Acorn: Aggravated assault. I’m very easily aggravated.
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ’10th Kingdom, The’: Quotes from the movie ’10th Kingdom, The’