Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, I don’t know… reelection to the Senate?
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
To read the rest, go to: The Best of Emo Philips