Old jokes


Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend’s for tea, and the time had arrived for preparing for the visit. “Come along, dearie,” said Mr. Smith to her three-year-old son, “and have your face washed.”

“Don’t want to be washed,” came the reply.

“But,” said mother, “you don’t want to be a dirty boy, do you? I want my little boy to have a nice, clean face for the ladies to kiss.”

[Pg 355]

Upon this persuasion he gave way, and was washed. A few minutes later he stood watching his father washing. “Ha, ha, daddy!” he cried, “I know why you’re washing!”

* * *


“Which weeds are the easiest to kill?” asked young Flickers of Farmer Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work.

“Widow’s weeds,” replied the farmer. “You have only to say ‘Wilt thou?’ and they wilt.”

* * *


Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt. Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake.

“Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!” she exclaimed. “It’s awfully nice.”

“Muriel, dear,” corrected her governess, “it is wrong to say you ‘love’ cake, and I’ve frequently pointed out that ‘just’ is wrongly used in such a sentence. Again, ‘awfully’ is quite wrong, ‘very’ would be more correct, dear. Now repeat your remark, please.”

Muriel obediently repeated: “I like chocolate cake; it is very good.”

“That’s better, dear,” said the governess, approvingly.

“But it sounds as if I was talking about bread,” protested the little girl.

[Pg 356]

* * *


An English mother was visiting her son at college.

“Well, dear,” she said, “what languages did you decide to take?”

“I have decided to take Pictish, mother,” he replied.

“Pictish?” said the puzzled lady. “Why Pictish?”

“Only five words of it remain,” he said.

* * *


A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the appearance of the hoop’s owner. He arrived.

“Please, I’ve broken your window,” he said, “and father’s come to mend it.”

Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work, while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man said:

“That’ll be three shillings, mum.”

“Three shillings!” gasped the woman. “But your son broke it. The little fellow with the hoop. You’re his father, aren’t you?”

The man shook his head.

“Never seen him before,” he said. “He came round to my place and said his mother wanted her window mended. You’re his mother, aren’t you?”

And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her.

[Pg 357]

* * *


It was the usual domestic storm.

“Oh, dear! oh, dear!” moaned wifey in tears. “I wish I’d taken poor mother’s advice, and never married you!”

Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last found voice.

“Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?” he demanded.

Wifey nodded violently.

A look of deep remorse crossed hubby’s face.

“Great Scott,” he cried, in broken tones, “how I wronged that woman!”

* * *

* * *

“And would you love me as much if father lost all his money?”

“Has he?”

“Why, no.”

“Of course I would, darling.”

* * *

“Why do you object to children in your apartment house?”

“As a matter of kindness. People who are raising families can’t be expected to pay the rentals I require.”

* * *


A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds himself rather short of cash just now. His account was £60 over drawn, and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to suggest that he had better bring it down a bit or clear it altogether.

“Oh, aye,” replied the pawky one. “I’m £60 short am I? Will ye just look up an’ tell me hoo my account stood in June?”

“Oh,” the banker said, “you were all right then; you had £250 to your credit.”

“Aye, an’ did I ring you up in June?” was the caustic rejoinder.

* * *

The newly-elected president of a banking institution was being introduced to the employees. He singled out one of the men in the cashier’s cage, questioning him in detail about his work, etc. “I have been here forty years,” said the cashier’s assistant, with conscious[Pg 359] pride, “and in all that time I only made one slight mistake.”

“Good,” replied the president. “Let me congratulate you. But hereafter be more careful.”

* * *

First Sailor (searching vainly for his ship after a few hours’ leave): “But she was ‘ere when we went ashore, wasn’t she?”

Second Sailor: “It’s them blokes at Washington. They’ve started scrappin’ the fleet, an’ begun on us.”

* * *


The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolate region of the far South. “I suppose,” he remarked to a native onlooker, “that even in these isolated parts the bare necessities of life have risen tremendously in price?”

“Y’er right, stranger,” replied the native, “and it ain’t worth drinkin’ when ye get it.”

* * *


Irate Golfer: “You must take your children away from here, madam; this is no place for them.”

Mother: “Now don’t you worry-they can’t ‘ear nothin’ new-their father was a sergeant-major, ‘e was!”

* * *


The Client: “I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they were empty.”

[Pg 360]

The Lawyer: “Well, what do you expect?”

The Client: “Full of booze. Isn’t that what f. o. b. means?”

* * *

During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman asked how it was that the Jews were so wise.

“Because,” said the Jew, “we eat a certain kind of fish;” and he offered to sell one for ten dollars.

After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit into it, then exclaimed: “Why, this is only a smoked herring.”

“See?” said the Jew. “You are getting wise already.”

* * *

“Yes,” said the old man to his visitor, “I am proud of my girls and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won’t see thirty-five again. I shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have $5000 with her.” The young man reflected a moment and then asked, “You haven’t one about fifty, have you?”

* * *

“Mary,” said the mistress, “did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I told you, when they called?”

“Yes’m. One fellow he wouldn’t give me no card, but I swiped his hat an’ shoved him off th’ steps. Here’s his name on th’ sweat band.”

[Pg 361]

* * *

“He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?”

“But, my dear daughter, you’ve only known him three weeks.”

“I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him he might find out some things about me he won’t like, too.”

* * *

“Would you marry a man to reform him?”

“What does he do?”

“He drinks.”

“Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in our set.”

* * *

“I would like to have a globe of the earth.”

“What size, madam?”

“Life-size, of course.”

* * *

Wife: “George, is that you?”

George: “Why certainly! Who else you ‘shpecting at this timernight?”

* * *

She (tenderly): “And are mine the only lips you have kissed?”

He: “Yes, and they are the sweetest of all.”

* * *

Jazz: “My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night.”

Beau: “Stripped?”

Jazz: “Yeh; she was in an evening gown.”

* * *

Mrs. Newlywed (on her first day’s shopping): “I[Pg 362] want two pieces of steak and-and about half a pint of gravy.”

* * *

Farmer: “Would you like to buy a jug of cider?”

Tourist: “Well-er-is it ambitious and willing to work?”

* * *

Papa: “Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last night?”

Daughter: “Because I was afraid he’d catch cold in the hall.”

* * *

“It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack.”

“Then why didn’t you marry him?”

“I met him again so often.”

* * *

Interviewer: “What sort of girls make the best show-girls?”

Stage Manager: “Those who have the most to show, of course.”

* * *

She: “What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?”

He: “Er-er-nothing.”

She: “Then don’t you dare do it again. I won’t have any man kissing me unless he means business, d’ye hear?”

* * *

Foreman: “‘Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to your one?”

[Pg 363]

Laborer: “‘Cos ‘e’s too blinkin’ lazy to go back fer the other one.”

* * *

Lady (in box): “Can you look over my shoulders?”

Sailor: “I’ve just been looking over both of them, an’ by gosh they are great.”

* * *

“How times have changed!”


“Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors.”

* * *

Sailor Bill: “These New York gals seem to be wearin’ sort o’ light canvas.”

Sailor Dan: “Yes-you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything.”

* * *

Tramp: “Would you please ‘elp a pore man whose wife is out o’ work?”

* * *

“I ‘ear your ‘usband ‘as turned Bolshie.”

“Well, not absolootly; but ‘e ‘as a lenin’ that way.”

* * *

A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompanied by his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence.

“Where is my chicken?” he asked somewhat irritably.

The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity to the salesman’s ear, replied:

[Pg 364]

“Ef youse mean de li’l gal with blue eyes an’ fluffy hair, she doan’ wo’k heah no mo’.”

* * *

“Do you really believe in heredity?”

“Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money.”

* * *

* * *

A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at the hippopotamus, he said: “Ma, ain’t that the ugliest damn thing you ever saw?”

“Bill,” said his ma, “didn’t I tell you never to say ‘ain’t.'”

* * *

“Vell, Ikey, my poy,” said Sol to his son, “I’ve made my vill and left it all to you.”

“That’s very good of you, father,” remarked Ike, eyeing him suspiciously. “But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer and fees and things!”

“Vell?” said Ike more suspiciously. “Vell, it ain’t fair I should pay all dot, is it? So I’ll shust take it off from your next month’s salary.”

* * *

Mr. McNab (after having his lease read over to him): “I will not sign that; I have na’ been able tae keep Ten[Pg 365] Commandments for a mansion in Heaven, an’ I’m no’ gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in the High Street.”

* * *

“Come, Dorothy,” said her father impatiently, “throw your doll on the bed and hurry or we shall be late.”

“Daddy, how can you?” reproved the child. “I isn’t’ that kind of a muvver.”

* * *

“You say you doted on your last mistress?”

“Yes, mum. I certainly did.”

“Then why did you leave her?”

“We couldn’t continue to be friends on my wages, mum.”

* * *

“What’s the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or something?”

“No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him.”

* * *

“James, have you whispered to-day without permission?”

“Only wunst.”

“Leroy, should James have said wunst?”

“No’m; he should have said twict.”

* * *

“It appears to be your record, Mary,” said the magistrate, “that you have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing.”

“I guess that’s right, your honor,” answered Mary. “No woman is perfect.”

[Pg 366]

* * *

“That you, dearie? I’m detained at the office on very important business and I may not be home until late. Don’t sit up for me.”

“I won’t, dearie. You’ll come home as early as you can, won’t you? And John, dear–”

“Yes; what is it?”

“Please don’t draw to any inside straights.”

* * *

The City Nephew: “I’m glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears.”

Uncle Talltimber: “She tried ’em once an’ they got tangled up with the telephone receiver an’ she missed more’n half the gossip goin’ on over our twenty-party line.”

* * *

“Ethel,” said the bishop, “you seem to be a bright little girl; can you repeat a verse from the Bible?”

“I’ll say I can.”

“Well, my dear, let us have it.”

“The Lord is my shepherd-I should worry.”

* * *

Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London, and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he was heard to remark, “Well, I hope they’ll not be very long wi’ the whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi’ these mineral waters.”

[Pg 367]

* * *

An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He showed his visitor the moon through a telescope and asked him what he thought of the satellite.

“It’s a’ richt,” replied the Scot, who was an enthusiastic golfer, “but it’s awfu’ fu’ o’ bunkers.”

* * *

“What are you doing, Marjory?”

“I’se writing a letter to Lily Smif.”

“But, darling, you don’t know how to write.”

“That’s no diff’ence, mamma; Lily don’t know how to read.”

* * *

“What sort of an appearing man is he?”

“Little dried-up feller,” replied the gaunt Missourian, “that looks like he always ett at the second table.”

* * *

“Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?”

“Don’t tell me she has lost her voice.”

“No, her husband has lost his hearing.”

* * *

* * *

“Do you think I shall live until I’m ninety, doctor?”

“How old are you now?”


“Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?”

“No. I don’t drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven’t any vices.”

“Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?”

* * *

“I say, Madge, it’s bitterly cold. Hadn’t you better put something on your chest?”

“Don’t worry, old thing. I’ve powdered it three times.”

* * *

Father: “Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girl robbed you of every cent you had.”

Son: “Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for picking them clever.”

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