Here are some of Rita Rudner’s Jokes and Sayings:
Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called “New Car Interior.”
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. And two of them were just napping.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?
Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times.
I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.
The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it Jumping up and down.
Page Topic: Rita Rudner Jokes, Quotes and Sayings
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Section: Funny Jokes by Stand Up Comedians