A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
The Funniest jokes in different countries:
Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:
The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!" The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you."
The Funniest Joke in the U.S.
The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’
Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.
One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:
At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about."
“Well sir," says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates."
However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
The Funniest Joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
The Funniest Joke in Austria
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight…."
The Funniest Joke in Belgium.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
The Funniest Joke in Germany
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it."
The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk
And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).
This is hilarious, especially the one about the flaming ducks.
January 18th, 2008 at 1:22 am
not his jokes numbnuts,
January 19th, 2008 at 8:02 am
here try this joke…..”a really ugly girl walked into the doctors office because she thought that she had a disease.So she went to the office and the doctor said”if we really want to find out i will need you to strip please”.The lady stripped down completely and the doctor gave her a stern look and said”oh my this is not good at all”,he sighed.”whats wrong doctor”?im very sorry to say this but you have exzackery disease”.”Whats that”?Its when your face looks exzackery like your butt.LOL i made this one up two days ago
That’s really not funny. My uncle died of exzackery.
Great jokes, by the way.
Blake Edward Eynard Says:
January 23rd, 2008 at 3:34 pm
i didnt think those jokes were very funny at all. nope. i didnt. they were about as funny as my mom. she’s not funny at all. she told my baby cousin a joke and he started cryin. then when he got older he killed himself because of it. thats wat ur jokes do for me. they just arent funny. not at all. I’ll show you a funny joke. What do you call a hotdog wearing a costume? a halloweener!!! hahahahaha jk thats not that funny but it sbetter than your lame jokes.
None of ur jokes are funny and balke ur’s an’t funny at all so shame!!!
January 26th, 2008 at 3:04 am
hahahahahaha i like your joke Blake…way funnier than any of the crap ones up there! i made up a joke only a few minutes ago: why’d the man leave the house? because it wasn’t his.
well its funny to me :)
January 27th, 2008 at 5:58 am
a man goes to the doctors, he says “i just cant stop singing delilah!” the doc looks him over and says “you’ve got Tom Jones syndrome” “is it a rare condition?” asks the man “well its not unusual” replies the doc!
January 27th, 2008 at 6:17 am
2 ducks are on their honeymoon in a posh hotel. just as they are about to consumate the marrage, the male says “oh no, i dont have any condoms!” and promptly calls room service. “do you have any condoms?” he asks “yes sir” comes the reply” “good” says the duck “can you send some to our room?” “certainly sir” replies the clerk “would you like me to put them on your bill?” “dont be silly!”yells the duck “i’ll suffocate!!”
January 29th, 2008 at 4:47 am
caught you out blake….you did not make that joke up about “exzackery disease”….. its been around australia for more than 20 years that i know.
i thought some of them were funny but not all of them.i like the one with the golf course.heres a joke a blonde was pulled over by a cop.the cop asked why are you swerving so much?the blonde replies , well first when i turned a tree was there so i turned the other way but there also was a tree . then a whole bunch were popping out of nowhere!!.the cop replied, you idiot thats your air freshiner!!!
but these comments…are the worst jokes i have ever read
Fire girl Says:
February 7th, 2008 at 5:57 am
The jokes is old I heard all of them more than a year ago. I keep a journal of all the jokes i read.
WHO CARES Says:
February 8th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
ok, the jokes above are hilarious and u all are about 10-15 year olds that need to be doing ur homework. get good grades and stay in school and stop wasting ur time on sites like this.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
lol hilar jokes yall especially the one bout the hunters HAHAHAHHAHAHA
February 8th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
hey heres a blonde moment:
She heard that 90% of accidents happen around the home, so she moved!!!!
February 8th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I’d like to know who thought that those joke were funny?
I have nothing more to say.
February 13th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
btw ComSense loved the joke, btw im kinda immature im only thirteen :D
February 13th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
February 13th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
the jokes up top were funny but most of the comments sucked, except for a couple
February 15th, 2008 at 10:20 am
I totally agree with Bob.
There is a reason people say, “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.”
You don’t look cool guys! These jokes are great and just because they weren’t created five minutes ago doesn’t mean they’re lame! If you understand them, they’re funny…
February 15th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
I think all of these jokes were funnny especially the ones from this website.I also thought the jokes from the commet board was funny too. Here is a joke its just a joke I am not insulting you “Why did the coach go back to the store:To get his qurterback.” Well I hope you liked it.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
/ / cool huh
February 15th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Why did the clerk go to the store? To get his quarterback
I like the joke about the magic tractor… that went down a hill and turned into a field.
+ the brain that went into a bar for a quick pint, but the barman refused to serve him because he was already out of his head…
+ the sandwich went into a bar for a quick drink, but the barman said they didn’t serve food in there…
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
An old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice “Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts “No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."
A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. “No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord."
Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage “OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…
“A jazz chord to say I ruv you…"
February 26th, 2008 at 12:49 am
k here is a funny joke…a 40 year old man is walking into a dark forset with an 11 year old boy.the kid looks up at the man and says mr im scared!then the man looks at him and says ur scared im the one thats gonna be walkind out of here alone
R kid Says:
February 27th, 2008 at 5:39 am
i loike the jokes that are funny, aye body got 1
February 28th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
February 29th, 2008 at 2:13 am
i no way betta jokes the only reason half you ppl hate the jokes is cuz ya dont get the joke not cuz ya dont like it, but ya have ta be able ta understand the joke to lyk it anyway this is a good one dont lyk it read it again…..
now read carefully or everything could go completely wrong and something terrible will happen to you or worse…..
read slowly but fast enough to answer the questions here we go but say answer out loud
QUICK pick number between 12 and 5
got it ?
now scroll down…
the number you picked was 7 right?
weird isn’t it?
well i hope it worked for you as good as it worked on me lol hope ya liked it hehe XO….
ADMIN: Hey, it worked for me. Cool. Thanks.
March 1st, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Ok the funniest joke ever. How do you make a hotdog stand?
HAHA THEM JOKES ARE PROPER CLASS EXPECIALLY TH 1 BY (HAHAHA ANNA F) JH MA FREND SAYS SHU WANTS TO SHAG TH LOT OF YAZ HEHE XXXXXXXXX SHUS WIF IF IZ RYT NOW ENY COMMENTS XXXX
March 4th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Ok here is a joke: A blonde is driving down the road and then she slams on her brakes because she was not watching and smacks into the back of some guy in a truck so the guy gets out and starts yelling at her and he gets so angry that he draws a circle in the sand on the side of the road and tells her he will hurt her if she gets out of the circle so he gets out a sledge hammer and starts smashing up her car and then he hears her laughing so he turns around and tells her to shut up then he continues smashing it and he hears her laughing again finally after the third times she laughs he turns around and says “what are you laughing about I am smashing your car and your laughing” and she says “well when you weren’t looking I stepped out of the cirlcle three times!”
March 8th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
The Poop joke is the funniest thing I have ever heard and I’m not 4yrs old.
Steve Austin goes to see the doctor, complaining that his bionic eye, arm and legs are giving him grief and making him feel a bit under the weather for jumping, lifting and spying stuff, like he normally does.
The doctor checks him over and says “Well your eye, arm and legs do look a bit strange to me, I’d say you’ve probably picked up some kind of virus…
Don’t worry, it’s nothing that a good dose of anti-bionics won’t cure”
April 7th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
There’s a mom with three kids-
The first kid comes up to her and says “Mommy, why did you call me Rose?”
And the mother said, “When you were a baby, I dropped a rose on your head.”
And then the second kid comes up to her and says “Mommy, why did you call me Daisy?”
And the mother said, “When you were a baby, I dropped a daisy on your head.”
And then the third kid comes up to her and says “Rarrfgdxdb… garblefarbleblock”
And the mother said, “Not now, Brick.”
Those jokes up there were not that funny, I mean, for the funniest jokes in certain countries? They have to be hilarious not mildly humorous. Try this one, I don’t know how funny itis but I thought it was clever:
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several priceless paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
April 21st, 2008 at 3:29 am
I was the fist one to squeeze those dangly things and drank what came out. it wasn’t what i thought it would be. i was kinda disappointed.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:58 am
Ok cut it out, stop saying these jokes are bad!
I really liked the one with the miget and tall guy! OMG LOL!!
I have a good one:
What do you call a monkey in the ocean?
April 24th, 2008 at 10:57 am
THEM JOKES WERE SO NOT FUNNY
April 25th, 2008 at 12:17 am
wat happened to the irish man hu was rakin th leaves?….he fell out of th tree.
i no use might not be frm NZ but thats a crack up!
and stop hatin cuz u aint got n e jokes of ur own man if u aint like the jokes then GET OFF TH SITE MAN!
April 29th, 2008 at 10:45 am
when do i get to the jokes?
Great Joke Says:
April 30th, 2008 at 5:29 am
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: He was dead
May 1st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
omg this is stupid its horible!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ive heard these jokes since i was 5
nice person Says:
May 5th, 2008 at 1:24 am
the comments r more funi than the jokes!!
May 6th, 2008 at 9:41 am
These jokes are not that funny. Perhaps, for those under 14. Maybe add the age limit to the title of this.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:39 am
whered you get it?
the doggy dropped it..
wheres the doggy?
behind the door :)
whats he doin?
BILLY PUT THAT DOWN
May 12th, 2008 at 8:18 am
These are very weird and some are dumb!
May 12th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
what looks like half a loaf of bread the other half
i heard this one from a friend
there is a blonde rowing a boat out in the middle of a corn field and another blonde drives up in a nice car and says to the other blonde “you know its you blondes that give us blondes a bad name if I could swim out there i would kick you”
sorry to all the blondes that read this.
May 14th, 2008 at 5:14 am
honestly your jokes arent the best ive ever heard
May 17th, 2008 at 9:46 am
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver -
I’ve been driving ‘hearses’ for the last 25 years!”
May 17th, 2008 at 11:13 am
thos r the wrst joks i hav evr herd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May 17th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
What do You get when you cross a bulldog and a shitzu
May 18th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Those last 2 were Hilarious
May 18th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Just to let you in with my secret, I’m Joker, and KFTMAN HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May 18th, 2008 at 9:42 am
What’s going on.
What happend to my KFTMAN comment
I’ts like it Dissapeared Vanished I tell You
Love all jokes, even this site’s. Gt my own tho, hilarious.
A hot young woman walks into a bar in her apartment complex.
She goes over to the bar table, and the bartender comes over to see her. May I help you, he says. Yes, actually. The bartender is a tall man with a long, full beard. Have you seen the landlord recently,? She says. As she asks him, she reaches up and begins to stroke and carress his beard. The man is shy and very nervous to be having a girl touching him. No, he says very shyly. Oh, well, if you do see him, I’d like you to tell him something for me. She continued to carress his beard. What’s that, he asks, still very nervous. She comes up very close to his face and says, tell him……….theres no toilet paper in the woman bathroom.
okay heres a joke i dont know if its the funniest joke:
a man and his dog walk into a bar,
the bartender says, “no dogs allowed”,
the man convinced the bartender to let his dog in and they sat to watch the vikings game,
after they crossed the 50 yard line the dog started jumping and cheering,
the bartender says, “wow, what does he do when they make a touchdown?”
the man that owned the dog said, “i dont know i’ve only had him for 5 years
the jokes are cool (the comments) i like the one about the teacher and little ralphy a lot and about the big guy and the little guy in the bar
June 23rd, 2008 at 3:12 am
Only stupid people can’t find the humor in these jokes. If you understood it, I don’t know how you didn’t find the humor in em!
Jk: “I used to be indecisive; but now I’m not too sure!:)
MC Shayde Says:
June 24th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
This one is the funniest of them all!: A man jsut got a new face plant and it made him look younger so he decides to try out his new look when buying a newspaper at a newsstand. He says to the clerk, “Try to guess how old I am” The man says “20?” “No I’m 40″ says the guy with the face plant. The man decides to try it out again hwile at Mc donalds. He asked the lady and she replied with “50″ No I’m actuallu 40″ he says. So he’s waiting for the bus and an old lady comes by so he asks her how old she thinks he is and she says “Well, I have this thing that I can tell how old a man is by sticking my hands down their pants for 10 minutes. We learnt it in military school.” The guy, truting her says ok since no one was around” The ladies hands were down his pants for 10 minute sthen finally she says “You’re 40.” “How did you do that? How did you know?” asks the man. “I was standing behind you at Mcdonalds” (gets on bus).
June 25th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
right i got one
how did the blonde break her arm rakeìn the leaves
she fell out of the tree
and an other
what do you call 20 blonds standing ear to ear
a wind tunnel
June 28th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Two friends are lost in the rain forest trying to find away out whenone of them is attacked by a cobra that attacks the “stuff” of the victim. The other despaired, calls the doctor using his sat phone.
-doctor! my friend has just benn stung by a snake, what should I do, he is dying!
- take it easy says the doctor, you just have to suck out the area that has been stung.
so the guys closes the flip of his cel phone when the other victimized asks: what did he say?
-he said that you are dead
that american space pen joke is a true story
and im not joking
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:33 pm
This site is wonderful!! Most of the jokes r hilarious but some look somehow like nonsense. For those who wrote the funniest jokes congratulations, like the joke about the teacher and little Ralphy. I understood the whole joke although I ain’t old enough. For those who wrote bad comments to others, I feel sorry for you, I hope u will write ur own jokes and c what others will tell U!!!
An old couple go to the doctor.The old man goes first to have his physical.When the doctor is done with him,he sends the man to the waiting room and calls the woman in.
Doctor:Id like to talk to you about your husband.
Woman:Its his heart,isnt it!I told him to lay off the eggs!
Doctor:Well,I asked your husband how he was feeling,and he said he was feeling great!he said that when he went to the bathroom and opened the door,that god turned the light on for him,and when he was done,he shut the door and god turned the light off for him.
Woman:Darn!hes been peeing in the fridge again!
oh!and i agree with Yonazi!
July 6th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
This truck driver is driving behind this blonde with a brand new Porsche. She is driving realy slowly and wont give him a gap to pass. He decides to pull her over. he gets out of the car and draws a circle on the ground with a piece of chalk and tells the blonde to stand in the circle. He then walks up to her car with a baseball bat and smashes her windows. the blonde keeps on laughing. He then bashes in the door. She keeps on laughing. He then blows down the tires, but she is laughing even louder. so he asks her why she is laughing and she replies. “everytime you looked away, I jumped out of the circle”
the one about ralphy was pretty funny
i told it in class today and everyone cracked up even the teacher
she thought it was pretty funny to
james bonde Says:
July 8th, 2008 at 3:34 am
hey i got another joke
two blondes are in a parking lot at the mall tryin 2 get into their porche because they loked the keys in then they decide to go n ask the nrma officer but suddenly it starts rainin and 1 blonde says o no i the seats in the car are goin 2 get wet i forgot to close the windows
im also james bonde fool Says:
July 8th, 2008 at 3:45 am
i got another joke
a women has a really flat chest and she gets sad then a ffairy god mother comes and says wats the matter n she says my chest is to flat then shes says ok every time a man says pardon to u ur breasts will grow an inch . later shes walking down the street n a man runs into her n said o pardon me n her boobs grow an inch the women is very pleased later on that day the same thing happend twice . that night she went to a resaraunt n the waiter spilleds some wine on her dress n waiter says o 1000 pardons madam.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:01 am
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
[note from admin- sorry Chriski. your second joke was funny but a little too adult for this site.]
omg these jokes r funny i like the weasle is chomping on my private!!!!!
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
These jokes are not funny.They’re just stupid.
July 25th, 2008 at 12:25 am
i luved the jokes beautiful
August 4th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
August 5th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
2 men were walking through the desert, one carrying a telephone box, the other carrying a lamp post. the man with the lamp post asks the other man “why are you carrying a phone box?”. “well” he says “when the lions come i can hide in it and i’ll be safe. Why are you carrying a lamp post?”. “Well” replies the first man “when the lions come i can drop it and i’ll be able to run faster”.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
some jokes are really good…Dr watson is awesome.
Here is one.
two friends -one american and the other a Japanese set out to visit Gir forest in India..notoriuoly known for huge lions…deep in the forest, they hear a roar.Hearing this the japanese took off his kit bag from his shoulder…At this gesture, the american asked” friend what are you doing ? The japanese replied i am getting ready to puton my running shoes?
“What ? can you run faster than the lion”asked the american….The japanese smiled and said-” no, my friend,only gearing myself to run faster than you…..
August 6th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Here is one.
Two friends -one American and the other Japanese set out to visit Gir forest in India…notoriously known for huge lions…deep in the forest, they hear a roar. Hearing this the Japanese took off his kit bag from his shoulder…At this gesture, the American asked" friend what are you doing ? The Japanese replied “I am getting ready to put on my running shoes"
“What? Can you run faster than the lion", asked the American….The Japanese smiled and said- “ no, my friend, only gearing up myself to run faster than you….."
Two men are sitting at a bar when one man whips out a cigar. Seeing that he has no means of lighting the cigar he says to his friend “Hey do you have a lighter I could borrow to light my cigar?”
The friend replies “Yes” and whips out this huge 10 inch bic lighter.
The first guy says “Wow, where did you get that massive lighter from?”
His friend says “I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” asked the first man.
“Yeah, I carry him everywhere I go” the friend replies.
“Well can I see him?” asks the first man.
Sure enough he takes the genie out of his pocket and sits him on the bar.
The first man with the cigar leans over to the genie and says “Hey there little buddy, I am a good friend of your master, do you think you could grant me one wish?”
“Sure” replies the genie “What do you wish for?”
The man surprised says “I wish for a million bucks.”
The genie dissapears back into his masters pocket and nothing happens.
All of a suddenn two ducks walk into the bar followed by a few more.
Soon enough the bar is filling up with ducks very quickly.
The first man looks to the second man and says “What’s going on here friend? I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks?”
The friend replies “Oh I forgot to tell you that my genie is really hard of hearing. Do you really think that I wished for a 10 inch bic?”
August 14th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. After he is finished with his martini he takes a jar out of his pocket and places the olive from his martini in it. He goes on to order another martini and does the same thing. Saves his olive and puts it in the same jar. He does this a whole bunch of times until he is completely hammered and the jar has a bunch of olives in it. He casually pays for the drinks, doesn’t say anything and walks out of the bar. A man sitting near him says to the bartender “That was kind of wierd now wasn’t it?” The bartender replies to the man “What was so weird about that? His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”
August 16th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
What do you call a bunch of white guys on a bench? A basketball game.
August 21st, 2008 at 9:41 pm
A blonde, brunette and redhead are walking in the desert. The redhead has packed some food and water, the brunette has packed a tent and the blonde has a car door. After walking for some time, the brunette and redhead ask the blonde why is she carrying a car door? Her reply: In case it gets hot, we can roll the window down!
Hahahaha, my sister’s friend made that up when I was in probably 5th grade. Hilarious!
me myself and i Says:
August 26th, 2008 at 3:22 am
tell me if you like this joke =]
sorry to all the blonde’s out there…don’t b offended….
theres 3 blonde’s in a car driving to Disneyland….they are nearly there and the see a sign that reads “Disneyland Left”…so they turned around and went home.
ok here is one few of you may have heard but this HAS GOT TO BE THE FUNNIEST JOKE EVVVEERRRRR
Texas Chili Cook-off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 – FRED ‘S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of
CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT … just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 – VERA ‘S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided
to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM ‘S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge # 3 – No Rep
September 21st, 2008 at 11:27 am
nothing rude, but these are NOT the funniest jokes in the world. ive heard them all a thousand times. however, i love the jokes in the comments.
September 23rd, 2008 at 6:10 pm
I liked them. Here’s one:
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running away from the cops, and they come across a potato field. They grab three empty potato sacks and hide in the field where the other potato-filled sacks are. The cops arrive at the field and go around kicking the sacks to see if anyone is in them. One cop kicks the brunette’s sack and she says, “ruff ruff” because she’s pretending to be a dog. Another cop kicks the red head’s sack and she says, “meow” because she’s pretending to be a cat. The cops kick the sack that the blonde is in and she says, “po-ta-do”
Did you get it? =]
September 23rd, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Okay, a duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich. The bartender can’t believe his ears – you talk? He asks the duck. Yeah, now get me my beer and sandwich, I gotta get back to work in half an hour. The bartender can’t believe it – you have a job? He asks the duck. Yeah, I’m a drywaller at the construction site across the street replies the duck, as he opens up a newspaper and starts reading it. The bartender takes the hint, and gives the duck his beer and sandwich, the duck eats it and leaves. This goes on for a week everyday at lunch. One day, into the bar walks a circus owner, and introduces himself to the bartender. The bartender tells the circus owner all about the duck that drinks beer, eats sandwiches, talks, reads, AND has a job as a drywaller!! Well, says the circus owner, here’s my card, next time you see him, tell him I’ll offer him twice what he’s earning now if he’ll come work for me! So next day at lunch in walks the duck. I have some great news for you says the bartender – I have a person who is willing to double your wages if you’ll come work for him! Who is it? Asks the duck. It’s the circus owner who owns WarnerBro’s circus – they’re in town don’t you know? Wow, says the duck, I’m always interested in making more money, but it’s strange….is this the same circus which keeps it’s animals in metal cages with bars on them? Yes, that’s the one replied the bartender. And, is this the same circus where all the performers spend their nights in trailer homes and tents? Yes, yes, that’s the one replied the bartender. And, the same circus that has the giant canvas tent with the hole in the top, and rows of wooden benches? Yes, YES, that’s the circus I’m talking about beamed the overjoyed bartender. Well….pondered the duck, I guess I’ll go work for him….but I can’t for the life of me think why that place would need a drywaller?
:) HAHAHAHAHA….come on it wasn’t bad :)
September 29th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
sophia siddiqui Says:
September 30th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
there are 3 separate couples dining for breakfast in a hotel.
The first man says to his wife: ” can you pass the sugar sugar?” and she passes the sugar
The second man goes, “can you pass the honey, honey?” and she passes the honey.
now the 3rd man thinks, oh this could work for me, so he says to his wife, “can you pass the milk YOU COW?”
I have a better joke then your ones making fun of the jokes a frog walks into a restraunt and is seated at a table. The waitress comes over and asks what he will have. he glances over his shoulder and notices a woman gasping to find a fly in her soup and the frog replys Ill have what shes having. hahahah that owns your complaints
October 9th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
these are the lamest ever!!! “THEY TOOK OUR TENT” HA HA HA
Its not funny!!
October 9th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
October 11th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
am i supse to laugh?
rick 11 Says:
October 12th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
man1:i think you have knowitall disease.
man2:no i don’t!
man1:well, you would know…
SMOR FUNNY DAN U Says:
October 13th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
These jokes r crap aparently these countries have no sense of humor. yeah thats what i’d say but the one for america is crap too why don’t you get some real jokes. If i look up jokes on google and click on the very first one I see I would be a whole lot better that any of the crap up thare i bet.
It's a funny old game Says:
October 20th, 2008 at 9:58 am
This site really cheered me up. I’ve been having a tough week…. my grandmother died last Thursday. She was 94 and it was her birthday. It was very unexpected. We were only half way through giving her the bumps.
gemma t Says:
October 20th, 2008 at 10:23 am
There are two catapillars sitting on a leaf, they look up and a butterfly goes past, one catapillar says to the other “you will never get me in one of those things”. haha well i thought it was funny.
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank one says to the other “how do you drive this thing”.
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him, “Hey, why the long face?”
(yup, that’s it!)
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. “Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.
“Sadness,” he replied.
“The opposite of depression?” he asked another student.
“Elation,” he replied.
“The opposite of woe?” the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”
Some of those jokes were funny i got a joke too!!
what did the pencil shapener say to the pencil?
stop going round in circles and get to the point. LOL! well i think its funny:)
October 25th, 2008 at 9:45 am
there all crap the taxi driver 1 was funny but the rest r 4 kids get a life ur not funny at all freaks
October 25th, 2008 at 9:53 am
a duck walks into a bar an says to the bar man ” have you got any bread” the bar man says sorry we dont do bread mate. So the duck walks off the next day the duck comes back.” o right m8 have you any bread” says the duck”.” No we don’t do bread i all ready told you”. So the duck goes. The next day the duck returns.”hi you got any bread”. the bar man is gettin mad an says” listen if you walkin into this bar an ask from bread again i will nail yor bill to the bar NOW GET OUT!!” the duck is shocked an walks out.The next day the duck returns and the bar man looks at him an says ” dont you dare”. So the duck says ” orite mate do you have any nails”. the bar man confussed says ” no we dont do nails” so the duck says “good do you have any bread then”
October 26th, 2008 at 11:59 am
According to Montey Python, the world funniest joke is:
“My dog has no nose.”
“How bad does it smell?”
November 3rd, 2008 at 8:29 am
President Bush was in a meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and one was briefing him about the days violence in Iraq.
The Joint Chief tell him that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in combat.
President Bush puts his head down and appeared to be crying. After a few akward moments, he lifts his head and asks the Joint Chief, “How many is a brazillion?”
November 4th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
The jokes are kind of weird their not much good!!!! The flaming duck one is ok
lebanana man Says:
November 4th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.
November 4th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn’t know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn’t know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, “What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?” The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.
November 4th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with four feet, jumps four feet.”
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, “Frog with three feet, jumps three feet.”
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook “Frog with two feet, jumps two feet.”
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with one foot, jumps one foot.”
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
“He said, “Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!”
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with no feet, goes deaf.”
November 4th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, “Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?”
The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”
November 4th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.” The loyal wife replied,
“Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”
November 4th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”
November 4th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: May i see your licence?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says ‘if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn’t have pulled you over.’
November 4th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ”Who is this?”
”This is the maid,” answers the woman.
”We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says, ”I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
The man says, ”Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies, ”She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ”Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
The maid says, ”What will I have to do?”
The man tells her, ”I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ”What do I do with the bodies?”
The man says, ”Throw them in the swimming pool.”
Puzzled, the maid answers, ”But you don’t have a pool.”
A long pause and the man says, ”Is this 567-5309?”
November 4th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right…and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”