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The Funniest Jokes in the World
A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
The Funniest jokes in different countries:
Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:
The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
The Funniest Joke in the U.S.
The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’
Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.
One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:
At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”
However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
The Funniest Joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
The Funniest Joke in Austria
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”
The Funniest Joke in Belgium.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
The Funniest Joke in Germany
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk
And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!
(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).
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521 Responses to “The Funniest Jokes in the World””
COMMENT (Not all comments are approved, including rude comments and those with strong language).
Section: Best Funny Jokes
January 14th, 2008 at 12:46 am
your jokes are not funny!!!!its wierd
January 16th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
This is hilarious, especially the one about the flaming ducks.
January 18th, 2008 at 1:22 am
@naruto
not his jokes numbnuts,
January 19th, 2008 at 8:02 am
here try this joke…..”a really ugly girl walked into the doctors office because she thought that she had a disease.So she went to the office and the doctor said”if we really want to find out i will need you to strip please”.The lady stripped down completely and the doctor gave her a stern look and said”oh my this is not good at all”,he sighed.”whats wrong doctor”?im very sorry to say this but you have exzackery disease”.”Whats that”?Its when your face looks exzackery like your butt.LOL i made this one up two days ago
January 21st, 2008 at 9:10 pm
That’s really not funny. My uncle died of exzackery.
Great jokes, by the way.
January 23rd, 2008 at 3:34 pm
i didnt think those jokes were very funny at all. nope. i didnt. they were about as funny as my mom. she’s not funny at all. she told my baby cousin a joke and he started cryin. then when he got older he killed himself because of it. thats wat ur jokes do for me. they just arent funny. not at all. I’ll show you a funny joke. What do you call a hotdog wearing a costume? a halloweener!!! hahahahaha jk thats not that funny but it sbetter than your lame jokes.
January 24th, 2008 at 11:00 am
None of ur jokes are funny and balke ur’s an’t funny at all so shame!!!
January 26th, 2008 at 3:04 am
hahahahahaha i like your joke Blake…way funnier than any of the crap ones up there! i made up a joke only a few minutes ago: why’d the man leave the house? because it wasn’t his.
well its funny to me :)
January 27th, 2008 at 5:58 am
a man goes to the doctors, he says “i just cant stop singing delilah!” the doc looks him over and says “you’ve got Tom Jones syndrome” “is it a rare condition?” asks the man “well its not unusual” replies the doc!
January 27th, 2008 at 6:17 am
2 ducks are on their honeymoon in a posh hotel. just as they are about to consumate the marrage, the male says “oh no, i dont have any condoms!” and promptly calls room service. “do you have any condoms?” he asks “yes sir” comes the reply” “good” says the duck “can you send some to our room?” “certainly sir” replies the clerk “would you like me to put them on your bill?” “dont be silly!”yells the duck “i’ll suffocate!!”
January 29th, 2008 at 4:47 am
caught you out blake….you did not make that joke up about “exzackery disease”….. its been around australia for more than 20 years that i know.
February 1st, 2008 at 7:46 am
i thought some of them were funny but not all of them.i like the one with the golf course.heres a joke a blonde was pulled over by a cop.the cop asked why are you swerving so much?the blonde replies , well first when i turned a tree was there so i turned the other way but there also was a tree . then a whole bunch were popping out of nowhere!!.the cop replied, you idiot thats your air freshiner!!!
February 1st, 2008 at 2:20 pm
none of these jokes are even funny!!!
February 3rd, 2008 at 10:07 pm
This Joke is nothing compared to the one above
Anywayz here it goes:
A midget walks into a bar trips over some sh*t left on the floor.
Luckily no one saw him, so to avoid embarrassment.
He doesn’t make a fuss about it.
So he goes to bar and orders a drink.
A few minutes later a big fella comes to the bar and trips over the same piece of sh*t.
The midget smiles and says, “I just did that”.
So the big fella comes over to the midget and knocks him out.
February 5th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Wow…..these jokes are really funny
but these comments…are the worst jokes i have ever read
February 7th, 2008 at 5:57 am
The jokes is old I heard all of them more than a year ago. I keep a journal of all the jokes i read.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
ok, the jokes above are hilarious and u all are about 10-15 year olds that need to be doing ur homework. get good grades and stay in school and stop wasting ur time on sites like this.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
lol hilar jokes yall especially the one bout the hunters HAHAHAHHAHAHA
February 8th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
hey heres a blonde moment:
She heard that 90% of accidents happen around the home, so she moved!!!!
LOLLOLOLLOLOLOL
February 8th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I’d like to know who thought that those joke were funny?
I have nothing more to say.
February 13th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
btw ComSense loved the joke, btw im kinda immature im only thirteen :D
February 13th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”
February 13th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
the jokes up top were funny but most of the comments sucked, except for a couple
February 15th, 2008 at 10:20 am
I totally agree with Bob.
There is a reason people say, “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.”
You don’t look cool guys! These jokes are great and just because they weren’t created five minutes ago doesn’t mean they’re lame! If you understand them, they’re funny…
February 15th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
I think all of these jokes were funnny especially the ones from this website.I also thought the jokes from the commet board was funny too. Here is a joke its just a joke I am not insulting you “Why did the coach go back to the store:To get his qurterback.” Well I hope you liked it.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
/—-/
/ / cool huh
—–
February 15th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Why did the clerk go to the store? To get his quarterback
February 20th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
did you hear the one about the broken pencil?
nevermind, its pretty pointless.
February 24th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
ray, that was horrible lol
February 25th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
I like the joke about the magic tractor… that went down a hill and turned into a field.
+ the brain that went into a bar for a quick pint, but the barman refused to serve him because he was already out of his head…
+ the sandwich went into a bar for a quick drink, but the barman said they didn’t serve food in there…
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
An old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice “Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!”
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts “No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord.”
A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. “No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord.”
Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage “OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!”
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…
“A jazz chord to say I ruv you…”
ha:)
February 26th, 2008 at 12:49 am
k here is a funny joke…a 40 year old man is walking into a dark forset with an 11 year old boy.the kid looks up at the man and says mr im scared!then the man looks at him and says ur scared im the one thats gonna be walkind out of here alone
February 27th, 2008 at 5:39 am
i loike the jokes that are funny, aye body got 1
February 28th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
yes kiddies
February 29th, 2008 at 2:13 am
i no way betta jokes the only reason half you ppl hate the jokes is cuz ya dont get the joke not cuz ya dont like it, but ya have ta be able ta understand the joke to lyk it anyway this is a good one dont lyk it read it again…..
now read carefully or everything could go completely wrong and something terrible will happen to you or worse…..
read slowly but fast enough to answer the questions here we go but say answer out loud
2+2=
4+4=
8+8=
16+16=
QUICK pick number between 12 and 5
got it ?
now scroll down…
the number you picked was 7 right?
weird isn’t it?
well i hope it worked for you as good as it worked on me lol hope ya liked it hehe XO….
ADMIN: Hey, it worked for me. Cool. Thanks.
March 1st, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Ok the funniest joke ever. How do you make a hotdog stand?
You take away its CHAIR! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
March 3rd, 2008 at 12:33 pm
anuva 1 … this is mint
think of a numba batween 0-10
+2
x4
-21
+123
/2
-56
+78
= your ansa is 9 isn’t it
haha i have just wasted 2 minutes of your life haha had yaz gannin !! TIMEWASTERS !! TIME WASTERS !!
March 3rd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
A MENT YA ANSA WAS 91 ONLY IF YA DID 7 YAZ MUST FIND ME HILARIOUS LIKE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHGA
March 3rd, 2008 at 12:42 pm
HAHA THEM JOKES ARE PROPER CLASS EXPECIALLY TH 1 BY (HAHAHA ANNA F) JH MA FREND SAYS SHU WANTS TO SHAG TH LOT OF YAZ HEHE XXXXXXXXX SHUS WIF IF IZ RYT NOW ENY COMMENTS XXXX
March 4th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Ok here is a joke: A blonde is driving down the road and then she slams on her brakes because she was not watching and smacks into the back of some guy in a truck so the guy gets out and starts yelling at her and he gets so angry that he draws a circle in the sand on the side of the road and tells her he will hurt her if she gets out of the circle so he gets out a sledge hammer and starts smashing up her car and then he hears her laughing so he turns around and tells her to shut up then he continues smashing it and he hears her laughing again finally after the third times she laughs he turns around and says “what are you laughing about I am smashing your car and your laughing” and she says “well when you weren’t looking I stepped out of the cirlcle three times!”
March 8th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
The Poop joke is the funniest thing I have ever heard and I’m not 4yrs old.
March 10th, 2008 at 3:40 am
joke = Girls are like phones, we like to be held and talked too, but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!
March 11th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
let me tell u all joke no offence to any religion. its just made up.
once a women goes to a church to confess to a father.
women: father, father i just called a men yesterday a son of a bitch.
father: there is no need to confess for that.
women : but father he touched my hands.
father : like this . (father touches her hand) there is no need to confess for that
women: but father he stripped my clothes.
father : like this . (father stripps her clothes) there is no need to confess for that.
women: but father he put his u know what in my u know where.
father : like this . (father makes out with her) there is no need to confess for that.
women : but father he had aids.
father : that son of a bitch”"”"”"”"”‘
March 17th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
this is the best joke ever three men walk into a bar… you think one of them would have seen it
March 18th, 2008 at 9:49 am
omg! i like the 1 about the lady with her baby!
but the americans! the dont have very good tast in jokes do they?
March 20th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
i didnt make this up.but i laughed when i heard it
there was two peanuts walking on the side walk and one was a salted peanut.haha.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:33 am
The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.
March 29th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!
That one literally made me fall out of my chair. XD I must be four.
March 31st, 2008 at 6:42 am
Steve Austin goes to see the doctor, complaining that his bionic eye, arm and legs are giving him grief and making him feel a bit under the weather for jumping, lifting and spying stuff, like he normally does.
The doctor checks him over and says “Well your eye, arm and legs do look a bit strange to me, I’d say you’ve probably picked up some kind of virus…
Don’t worry, it’s nothing that a good dose of anti-bionics won’t cure”
April 7th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
There’s a mom with three kids-
The first kid comes up to her and says “Mommy, why did you call me Rose?”
And the mother said, “When you were a baby, I dropped a rose on your head.”
And then the second kid comes up to her and says “Mommy, why did you call me Daisy?”
And the mother said, “When you were a baby, I dropped a daisy on your head.”
And then the third kid comes up to her and says “Rarrfgdxdb… garblefarbleblock”
And the mother said, “Not now, Brick.”
April 9th, 2008 at 6:42 am
Who was the first sick-o to look at a cow and say “hmmm, I think i´l squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out”?
That is an interesting qustion, but what really makes me wonder is – what if it had been a bull?
April 20th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Those jokes up there were not that funny, I mean, for the funniest jokes in certain countries? They have to be hilarious not mildly humorous. Try this one, I don’t know how funny itis but I thought it was clever:
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several priceless paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
April 21st, 2008 at 3:29 am
I was the fist one to squeeze those dangly things and drank what came out. it wasn’t what i thought it would be. i was kinda disappointed.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:58 am
Ok cut it out, stop saying these jokes are bad!
I really liked the one with the miget and tall guy! OMG LOL!!
I have a good one:
What do you call a monkey in the ocean?
A: Confused
April 24th, 2008 at 10:57 am
THEM JOKES WERE SO NOT FUNNY
April 25th, 2008 at 12:17 am
wat happened to the irish man hu was rakin th leaves?….he fell out of th tree.
i no use might not be frm NZ but thats a crack up!
and stop hatin cuz u aint got n e jokes of ur own man if u aint like the jokes then GET OFF TH SITE MAN!
April 29th, 2008 at 10:45 am
when do i get to the jokes?
April 30th, 2008 at 5:29 am
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: He was dead
May 1st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
omg this is stupid its horible!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ive heard these jokes since i was 5
May 5th, 2008 at 1:24 am
the comments r more funi than the jokes!!
May 6th, 2008 at 9:41 am
These jokes are not that funny. Perhaps, for those under 14. Maybe add the age limit to the title of this.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:39 am
whatcha doin?
eating choclate
whered you get it?
the doggy dropped it..
wheres the doggy?
behind the door :)
whats he doin?
makin more!
BILLY PUT THAT DOWN
May 12th, 2008 at 8:18 am
These are very weird and some are dumb!
May 12th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
what looks like half a loaf of bread the other half
May 13th, 2008 at 10:13 am
i heard this one from a friend
there is a blonde rowing a boat out in the middle of a corn field and another blonde drives up in a nice car and says to the other blonde “you know its you blondes that give us blondes a bad name if I could swim out there i would kick you”
sorry to all the blondes that read this.
May 14th, 2008 at 5:14 am
honestly your jokes arent the best ive ever heard
May 17th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Here’s one,
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver -
I’ve been driving ‘hearses’ for the last 25 years!”
May 17th, 2008 at 11:13 am
thos r the wrst joks i hav evr herd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May 17th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
What do You get when you cross a bulldog and a shitzu
BullSh*t
May 18th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Those last 2 were Hilarious
HA!!
May 18th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Just to let you in with my secret, I’m Joker, and KFTMAN HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May 18th, 2008 at 9:42 am
What’s going on.
What happend to my KFTMAN comment
I’ts like it Dissapeared Vanished I tell You
May 18th, 2008 at 11:16 am
why did the man with one arm cross the road
to get to the second hand shop
May 30th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Very funny. I like this website
May 30th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Thanks everyone who made this site!
May 31st, 2008 at 9:20 pm
i liked the taxi one, but some were crap
May 31st, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Not so bad. I found that most were more clever than actually funny though (the one about the colonel and the privates was a good one). How about this one:
A teacher asks her class one day, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many birds will there be left?”
Then, when little Ralphy raises his hand, she calls on him.
He answers,
“None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The actual answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then little Ralphy says, “Now I have a question for you.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream,one is licking the sides of the of ice cream cone that have started to drip.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
And the third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing madly, replied, “Well, I suppose it’d be the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
To which Little Ralphy replied,
“The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.”
June 1st, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Love all jokes, even this site’s. Gt my own tho, hilarious.
A hot young woman walks into a bar in her apartment complex.
She goes over to the bar table, and the bartender comes over to see her. May I help you, he says. Yes, actually. The bartender is a tall man with a long, full beard. Have you seen the landlord recently,? She says. As she asks him, she reaches up and begins to stroke and carress his beard. The man is shy and very nervous to be having a girl touching him. No, he says very shyly. Oh, well, if you do see him, I’d like you to tell him something for me. She continued to carress his beard. What’s that, he asks, still very nervous. She comes up very close to his face and says, tell him……….theres no toilet paper in the woman bathroom.
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:22 pm
chyeahhh:D
June 5th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
these were maybe not the funiest but they were good
June 12th, 2008 at 4:44 am
I liked them
June 15th, 2008 at 8:28 am
Hahaha! Poop one was actually quite hilarious, and I’m a little past 4
also, in the comments.. I like the one about the teacher and Little Ralphy.. I memorised it for school tomorrow!
LOL
I didn’t LOVE alot of the voted ones, but I like the idea for the site, just need better people voting haha
ta
June 17th, 2008 at 12:37 am
what did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on a Head, and I’ll hang around!
June 18th, 2008 at 5:05 am
Yh the only joke i got was about the duck and the elephant….
June 18th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
okay heres a joke i dont know if its the funniest joke:
a man and his dog walk into a bar,
the bartender says, “no dogs allowed”,
the man convinced the bartender to let his dog in and they sat to watch the vikings game,
after they crossed the 50 yard line the dog started jumping and cheering,
the bartender says, “wow, what does he do when they make a touchdown?”
the man that owned the dog said, “i dont know i’ve only had him for 5 years
June 20th, 2008 at 4:38 am
any one there
June 21st, 2008 at 1:26 pm
the jokes are cool (the comments) i like the one about the teacher and little ralphy a lot and about the big guy and the little guy in the bar
June 23rd, 2008 at 3:12 am
Only stupid people can’t find the humor in these jokes. If you understood it, I don’t know how you didn’t find the humor in em!
Jk: “I used to be indecisive; but now I’m not too sure!:)
June 24th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
This one is the funniest of them all!: A man jsut got a new face plant and it made him look younger so he decides to try out his new look when buying a newspaper at a newsstand. He says to the clerk, “Try to guess how old I am” The man says “20?” “No I’m 40″ says the guy with the face plant. The man decides to try it out again hwile at Mc donalds. He asked the lady and she replied with “50″ No I’m actuallu 40″ he says. So he’s waiting for the bus and an old lady comes by so he asks her how old she thinks he is and she says “Well, I have this thing that I can tell how old a man is by sticking my hands down their pants for 10 minutes. We learnt it in military school.” The guy, truting her says ok since no one was around” The ladies hands were down his pants for 10 minute sthen finally she says “You’re 40.” “How did you do that? How did you know?” asks the man. “I was standing behind you at Mcdonalds” (gets on bus).
June 25th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
right i got one
how did the blonde break her arm rakeìn the leaves
she fell out of the tree
and an other
what do you call 20 blonds standing ear to ear
a wind tunnel
June 28th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Two friends are lost in the rain forest trying to find away out whenone of them is attacked by a cobra that attacks the “stuff” of the victim. The other despaired, calls the doctor using his sat phone.
-doctor! my friend has just benn stung by a snake, what should I do, he is dying!
- take it easy says the doctor, you just have to suck out the area that has been stung.
so the guys closes the flip of his cel phone when the other victimized asks: what did he say?
-he said that you are dead
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:07 am
that american space pen joke is a true story
and im not joking
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:33 pm
This site is wonderful!! Most of the jokes r hilarious but some look somehow like nonsense. For those who wrote the funniest jokes congratulations, like the joke about the teacher and little Ralphy. I understood the whole joke although I ain’t old enough. For those who wrote bad comments to others, I feel sorry for you, I hope u will write ur own jokes and c what others will tell U!!!
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Heres a joke:
An old couple go to the doctor.The old man goes first to have his physical.When the doctor is done with him,he sends the man to the waiting room and calls the woman in.
Doctor:Id like to talk to you about your husband.
Woman:Its his heart,isnt it!I told him to lay off the eggs!
Doctor:Well,I asked your husband how he was feeling,and he said he was feeling great!he said that when he went to the bathroom and opened the door,that god turned the light on for him,and when he was done,he shut the door and god turned the light off for him.
Woman:Darn!hes been peeing in the fridge again!
oh!and i agree with Yonazi!
July 6th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
This truck driver is driving behind this blonde with a brand new Porsche. She is driving realy slowly and wont give him a gap to pass. He decides to pull her over. he gets out of the car and draws a circle on the ground with a piece of chalk and tells the blonde to stand in the circle. He then walks up to her car with a baseball bat and smashes her windows. the blonde keeps on laughing. He then bashes in the door. She keeps on laughing. He then blows down the tires, but she is laughing even louder. so he asks her why she is laughing and she replies. “everytime you looked away, I jumped out of the circle”
July 7th, 2008 at 5:25 am
the one about ralphy was pretty funny
i told it in class today and everyone cracked up even the teacher
she thought it was pretty funny to
July 8th, 2008 at 3:34 am
hey i got another joke
two blondes are in a parking lot at the mall tryin 2 get into their porche because they loked the keys in then they decide to go n ask the nrma officer but suddenly it starts rainin and 1 blonde says o no i the seats in the car are goin 2 get wet i forgot to close the windows
July 8th, 2008 at 3:45 am
i got another joke
a women has a really flat chest and she gets sad then a ffairy god mother comes and says wats the matter n she says my chest is to flat then shes says ok every time a man says pardon to u ur breasts will grow an inch . later shes walking down the street n a man runs into her n said o pardon me n her boobs grow an inch the women is very pleased later on that day the same thing happend twice . that night she went to a resaraunt n the waiter spilleds some wine on her dress n waiter says o 1000 pardons madam.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:01 am
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
[note from admin- sorry Chriski. your second joke was funny but a little too adult for this site.]
July 13th, 2008 at 4:04 am
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gfted.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
these jokes are awsome; i have a few 4 ya:
jesus dont want u to do drugs but hes the most high
i like zero cuz its a nice round number
(that 1’s kinda lame)
i like to mix butter w/ i cant belive it’s not butter to make “i can belive some of it is butter”
i went to ihop and the weitress w/ 1 leg (gigity) asked me if i wanted butter on my pancakes i said:
i dont know wat 2 belive any more
talk 2 me: aim at Otterhound11
July 15th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
those jokes wernt that good either were mine but wat u goin 2 do about it
July 17th, 2008 at 7:01 am
That brick name one was hilarious!
July 18th, 2008 at 7:47 am
THis jokes arent really funny sorry
July 21st, 2008 at 3:29 am
i thort that the first one was sooooooooooooooooooooooo funny hehehehehehehe
July 21st, 2008 at 5:27 pm
omg these jokes r funny i like the weasle is chomping on my private!!!!!
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
These jokes are not funny.They’re just stupid.
July 25th, 2008 at 12:25 am
i luved the jokes beautiful
August 4th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
lol
August 5th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
2 men were walking through the desert, one carrying a telephone box, the other carrying a lamp post. the man with the lamp post asks the other man “why are you carrying a phone box?”. “well” he says “when the lions come i can hide in it and i’ll be safe. Why are you carrying a lamp post?”. “Well” replies the first man “when the lions come i can drop it and i’ll be able to run faster”.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
some jokes are really good…Dr watson is awesome.
Here is one.
two friends -one american and the other a Japanese set out to visit Gir forest in India..notoriuoly known for huge lions…deep in the forest, they hear a roar.Hearing this the japanese took off his kit bag from his shoulder…At this gesture, the american asked” friend what are you doing ? The japanese replied i am getting ready to puton my running shoes?
“What ? can you run faster than the lion”asked the american….The japanese smiled and said-” no, my friend,only gearing myself to run faster than you…..
August 6th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Here is one.
Two friends -one American and the other Japanese set out to visit Gir forest in India…notoriously known for huge lions…deep in the forest, they hear a roar. Hearing this the Japanese took off his kit bag from his shoulder…At this gesture, the American asked” friend what are you doing ? The Japanese replied “I am getting ready to put on my running shoes”
“What? Can you run faster than the lion”, asked the American….The Japanese smiled and said- “ no, my friend, only gearing up myself to run faster than you…..”
August 13th, 2008 at 8:01 am
These are the worst jokes ever. They suck.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Two men are sitting at a bar when one man whips out a cigar. Seeing that he has no means of lighting the cigar he says to his friend “Hey do you have a lighter I could borrow to light my cigar?”
The friend replies “Yes” and whips out this huge 10 inch bic lighter.
The first guy says “Wow, where did you get that massive lighter from?”
His friend says “I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” asked the first man.
“Yeah, I carry him everywhere I go” the friend replies.
“Well can I see him?” asks the first man.
Sure enough he takes the genie out of his pocket and sits him on the bar.
The first man with the cigar leans over to the genie and says “Hey there little buddy, I am a good friend of your master, do you think you could grant me one wish?”
“Sure” replies the genie “What do you wish for?”
The man surprised says “I wish for a million bucks.”
The genie dissapears back into his masters pocket and nothing happens.
All of a suddenn two ducks walk into the bar followed by a few more.
Soon enough the bar is filling up with ducks very quickly.
The first man looks to the second man and says “What’s going on here friend? I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks?”
The friend replies “Oh I forgot to tell you that my genie is really hard of hearing. Do you really think that I wished for a 10 inch bic?”
August 14th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. After he is finished with his martini he takes a jar out of his pocket and places the olive from his martini in it. He goes on to order another martini and does the same thing. Saves his olive and puts it in the same jar. He does this a whole bunch of times until he is completely hammered and the jar has a bunch of olives in it. He casually pays for the drinks, doesn’t say anything and walks out of the bar. A man sitting near him says to the bartender “That was kind of wierd now wasn’t it?” The bartender replies to the man “What was so weird about that? His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”
August 16th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
What do you call a bunch of white guys on a bench? A basketball game.
August 21st, 2008 at 9:41 pm
A blonde, brunette and redhead are walking in the desert. The redhead has packed some food and water, the brunette has packed a tent and the blonde has a car door. After walking for some time, the brunette and redhead ask the blonde why is she carrying a car door? Her reply: In case it gets hot, we can roll the window down!
Hahahaha, my sister’s friend made that up when I was in probably 5th grade. Hilarious!
August 26th, 2008 at 3:22 am
tell me if you like this joke =]
sorry to all the blonde’s out there…don’t b offended….
theres 3 blonde’s in a car driving to Disneyland….they are nearly there and the see a sign that reads “Disneyland Left”…so they turned around and went home.
=)
August 28th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
these jokes r ok i guess
August 31st, 2008 at 3:07 pm
My names Andy.
Do you know what Andy’s short for?
So i can touch my toes easily!!!
(I use that one ALL the time! ;-)
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:22 am
serius i cracked up at the poop joke for 4 year olds
and none of the other ones even made me laugh
September 7th, 2008 at 7:50 am
rubbish
September 9th, 2008 at 4:47 am
heh heh these rule lol
September 9th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
wicked jokes funney as hope to reed more
September 10th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
u guyz r nerds these jokes suck
September 16th, 2008 at 6:38 am
pls pls pls pls pls i need out of this site.these aint funny at alllllll. in fact i find ppls comments funnier.ooooppps what was i doing here.gosh and am still here,gotta get out of here.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
i agree with that guy
September 16th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
LOL the elephant|duck was was LOL!!!!!!!!!! i agree with the guy
September 18th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
those were cool joke,s ever
September 18th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
ok here is one few of you may have heard but this HAS GOT TO BE THE FUNNIEST JOKE EVVVEERRRRR
Texas Chili Cook-off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 – FRED ‘S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of
the beer.
CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT … just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 – VERA ‘S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided
to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM ‘S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge # 3 – No Rep
September 21st, 2008 at 11:27 am
nothing rude, but these are NOT the funniest jokes in the world. ive heard them all a thousand times. however, i love the jokes in the comments.
September 23rd, 2008 at 6:10 pm
I liked them. Here’s one:
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running away from the cops, and they come across a potato field. They grab three empty potato sacks and hide in the field where the other potato-filled sacks are. The cops arrive at the field and go around kicking the sacks to see if anyone is in them. One cop kicks the brunette’s sack and she says, “ruff ruff” because she’s pretending to be a dog. Another cop kicks the red head’s sack and she says, “meow” because she’s pretending to be a cat. The cops kick the sack that the blonde is in and she says, “po-ta-do”
Did you get it? =]
G’day!
September 23rd, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Okay, a duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich. The bartender can’t believe his ears – you talk? He asks the duck. Yeah, now get me my beer and sandwich, I gotta get back to work in half an hour. The bartender can’t believe it – you have a job? He asks the duck. Yeah, I’m a drywaller at the construction site across the street replies the duck, as he opens up a newspaper and starts reading it. The bartender takes the hint, and gives the duck his beer and sandwich, the duck eats it and leaves. This goes on for a week everyday at lunch. One day, into the bar walks a circus owner, and introduces himself to the bartender. The bartender tells the circus owner all about the duck that drinks beer, eats sandwiches, talks, reads, AND has a job as a drywaller!! Well, says the circus owner, here’s my card, next time you see him, tell him I’ll offer him twice what he’s earning now if he’ll come work for me! So next day at lunch in walks the duck. I have some great news for you says the bartender – I have a person who is willing to double your wages if you’ll come work for him! Who is it? Asks the duck. It’s the circus owner who owns WarnerBro’s circus – they’re in town don’t you know? Wow, says the duck, I’m always interested in making more money, but it’s strange….is this the same circus which keeps it’s animals in metal cages with bars on them? Yes, that’s the one replied the bartender. And, is this the same circus where all the performers spend their nights in trailer homes and tents? Yes, yes, that’s the one replied the bartender. And, the same circus that has the giant canvas tent with the hole in the top, and rows of wooden benches? Yes, YES, that’s the circus I’m talking about beamed the overjoyed bartender. Well….pondered the duck, I guess I’ll go work for him….but I can’t for the life of me think why that place would need a drywaller?
:) HAHAHAHAHA….come on it wasn’t bad :)
September 29th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
SWEET DUDES
September 30th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
there are 3 separate couples dining for breakfast in a hotel.
The first man says to his wife: ” can you pass the sugar sugar?” and she passes the sugar
The second man goes, “can you pass the honey, honey?” and she passes the honey.
now the 3rd man thinks, oh this could work for me, so he says to his wife, “can you pass the milk YOU COW?”
October 1st, 2008 at 5:47 pm
That sherlock holmes one was hilarious
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:31 pm
long complaints you guys really have nothing better to do?
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:35 pm
I have a better joke then your ones making fun of the jokes a frog walks into a restraunt and is seated at a table. The waitress comes over and asks what he will have. he glances over his shoulder and notices a woman gasping to find a fly in her soup and the frog replys Ill have what shes having. hahahah that owns your complaints
October 9th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
these are the lamest ever!!! “THEY TOOK OUR TENT” HA HA HA
Its not funny!!
October 9th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
elmos world
October 11th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
am i supse to laugh?
October 12th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
here’s one
man1:i think you have knowitall disease.
man2:no i don’t!
man1:well, you would know…
October 13th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
These jokes r crap aparently these countries have no sense of humor. yeah thats what i’d say but the one for america is crap too why don’t you get some real jokes. If i look up jokes on google and click on the very first one I see I would be a whole lot better that any of the crap up thare i bet.
October 20th, 2008 at 9:58 am
This site really cheered me up. I’ve been having a tough week…. my grandmother died last Thursday. She was 94 and it was her birthday. It was very unexpected. We were only half way through giving her the bumps.
October 20th, 2008 at 10:23 am
There are two catapillars sitting on a leaf, they look up and a butterfly goes past, one catapillar says to the other “you will never get me in one of those things”. haha well i thought it was funny.
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank one says to the other “how do you drive this thing”.
October 21st, 2008 at 11:54 am
These jokes are really funny.
October 21st, 2008 at 11:08 pm
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him, “Hey, why the long face?”
(yup, that’s it!)
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. “Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.
“Sadness,” he replied.
“The opposite of depression?” he asked another student.
“Elation,” he replied.
“The opposite of woe?” the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”
October 23rd, 2008 at 2:38 am
Some of those jokes were funny i got a joke too!!
what did the pencil shapener say to the pencil?
stop going round in circles and get to the point. LOL! well i think its funny:)
October 25th, 2008 at 9:45 am
there all crap the taxi driver 1 was funny but the rest r 4 kids get a life ur not funny at all freaks
October 25th, 2008 at 9:53 am
a duck walks into a bar an says to the bar man ” have you got any bread” the bar man says sorry we dont do bread mate. So the duck walks off the next day the duck comes back.” o right m8 have you any bread” says the duck”.” No we don’t do bread i all ready told you”. So the duck goes. The next day the duck returns.”hi you got any bread”. the bar man is gettin mad an says” listen if you walkin into this bar an ask from bread again i will nail yor bill to the bar NOW GET OUT!!” the duck is shocked an walks out.The next day the duck returns and the bar man looks at him an says ” dont you dare”. So the duck says ” orite mate do you have any nails”. the bar man confussed says ” no we dont do nails” so the duck says “good do you have any bread then”
October 26th, 2008 at 11:59 am
According to Montey Python, the world funniest joke is:
“My dog has no nose.”
“How bad does it smell?”
“Awful.”
November 3rd, 2008 at 8:29 am
President Bush was in a meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and one was briefing him about the days violence in Iraq.
The Joint Chief tell him that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in combat.
President Bush puts his head down and appeared to be crying. After a few akward moments, he lifts his head and asks the Joint Chief, “How many is a brazillion?”
November 4th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
The jokes are kind of weird their not much good!!!! The flaming duck one is ok
November 4th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.
November 4th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn’t know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn’t know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, “What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?” The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.
November 4th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with four feet, jumps four feet.”
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, “Frog with three feet, jumps three feet.”
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook “Frog with two feet, jumps two feet.”
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with one foot, jumps one foot.”
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
“He said, “Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!”
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with no feet, goes deaf.”
November 4th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, “Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?”
The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”
November 4th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.” The loyal wife replied,
“Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”
November 4th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”
November 4th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: May i see your licence?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says ‘if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn’t have pulled you over.’
November 4th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ”Who is this?”
”This is the maid,” answers the woman.
”We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says, ”I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
The man says, ”Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies, ”She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ”Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
The maid says, ”What will I have to do?”
The man tells her, ”I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ”What do I do with the bodies?”
The man says, ”Throw them in the swimming pool.”
Puzzled, the maid answers, ”But you don’t have a pool.”
A long pause and the man says, ”Is this 567-5309?”
November 4th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right…and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
November 4th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.
“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, please come to my house!”
“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”
“Bring them along!” the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”
The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”
November 4th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
November 4th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won’t light up?
Blonde: No, it’s working fine.
Operator: Then what’s the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
November 5th, 2008 at 3:35 am
the women and her baby was the best joke here!!!!
November 5th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
i love the brick 1!
November 9th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
well, the jokes are pretty funny, but the ones the people posted are not funny at all. i like the NASA one :-)
November 10th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
you know what suicide is? its a way of telling god you cant fire me , i quit. haa
November 11th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
two guys walked into a bar and said ouch
November 12th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Max and paddy go for a job interview and they both have to fill out a quick quiz, who ever gets the highist score gets the job.
When they have finished the Manager marks the quizzes.
Manager: Well both of you got the same amount of questions right but im going to give the job to Max.
Paddy: Well thats not fair, how come Max gets the job when we both got the same amount of answers right.
Manager: Well Paddy, on question five Max put, ‘i do not know the answer to this question’ and Paddy you put ‘niether do i’
November 12th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
loved them all they are great
I’m texan and the Chili contest made me burst w/ laughter
My step-dad needs a lesson from you all
Why did the turkey cross the road
He did’nt want to be called chicken
November 13th, 2008 at 10:08 am
STUPID!
November 13th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
What do and ostrich and a tortoise have in common?
They both cant drive a tractor
November 14th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
lol.. the first one was funny.
November 18th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Heres a good one:
Priest is checkin in to a hotel and says to the receptionist: I hope the porn is disabled
Receptionist:no its normal ya freak.
November 18th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Most of these aren’t very funny, but I loved the one with the new taxi driver. Me and my friend spent a week trying to make up a joke back when were were in high school and this was what we came up with; only adults will understand this joke:
A scrawny white man, wearing thick glasses and a pocket protector, walks into a bar that is unusually loud one night.
He asks the bartender “What’s going on?”
The bartender explains “every Saturday night we hold a competition!” While pointing to a gargantuan and well-built bouncer standing by the door, he continues “…Our bouncer Jeff will take a lemon and squeeze all of its juice content into a cup. If you’re able to squeeze just one drop out of the lemon after he hands it back, the prize is $1500. There’s a $10 fee for trying, but nobody has ever won!”
The newcomer asks Jeff if he can give it a shot. The bouncer looks at him and laughs, stating that he’ll even waive the $10 fee for such a puny guy.
Jeff takes a lemon and squeezes it for about 20 seconds while the entire bar cheers him on. Once he can extract no more juice he hands it back to the man in glasses, who takes it and squeezes with all his might. After a dramatic 45 seconds, and to the utter astonishment of the audience, he actually manages to squeeze 3 drops from the lemon and asks the bewildered bouncer for his prize!
Stunned, but quite intrigued, Jeff hands him the money and questions what on earth the man does for a living, to which he replies “I’m an IRS agent.”
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Egg and chicken lying in bed together. Egg is smoking a cigarette and says to the chicken:
Well, now we know the answer to that question
November 28th, 2008 at 1:02 am
Ok. who ever thought these dang jokes were NOT funny… You are …. a blonde.
November 28th, 2008 at 1:21 am
How many doofuses does does it take to to change a light bulb?
Two.
One to hold the light bulb still, the other to spin the chair clockwise.
November 30th, 2008 at 4:00 am
These jokes suck! The comments are the funniest :’DD
November 30th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just two; but how do you get them IN the light bulb?
LOL
November 30th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
There was an englishman, irishman and a scottishman all sentanced to death. and just as the englishman is about to be shot he shouts “wait !,, avalanche” and points infront of him and all the guys who was gonna shoot him turn around, and the englishman runs away. just as the scottishman is gonna be shot he shouts out “wait ! lightening” and points behind the guys who are gonna shoot him, and the guys who are gonna shoot him all turn around and he runs away. and just as the irishman is gonna get shot he shouts out “wait ! fire” and so they all shoot him
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:27 am
omg….that is sooooo funny!
Hear is one that is kinda funny….Little Peter wanted to know who God is so he asked his dad….is god a girl or a boy and his dad said both, son…. but dad, is god black or white? His dad said, he is both….now go and play….
then he saw his friend James and said….I was right, I was right! Michael Jackson is God!
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Considering all the bad joke sites on the Internet, I think this site had a considerable amount of good jokes. I thought the monkey baby joke was the best…but, I enjoyed many others. To the people that stated they didn’t understand any of them except for the “knock, knock, poop” joke, all I can say is STAY IN SCHOOL!
Very, very funny site.
Keep laughing everyone!
December 6th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I reeeeeally think it’s funny that you think these are funny.OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!\
DISS!!!!!!!!
December 7th, 2008 at 9:57 am
iv got a joke
whats the difference between trampolines and lawyers…
you take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline
December 7th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
ummmmmmmmm i was looking 4 better jokes but theese wer okay!!!!!!!!/:{{{{{{{:
December 8th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
worst jokes i ever read!i bet i can crack my hand and people will think it’s funnier!
December 9th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
A few of the jokes are funny but some sucked
by the way Burrgerrkinggagain and Jesus ur joks are hilarious but NaNaNa & Noe I don’t understand ur joks as for Keith I dont understand u
December 11th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
A young potato goes to her father one day and says, ‘Dad, I have wonderful
news. I’m getting married!”
“Wonderful,” says the Potato father. “Who are you going to marry?”
“I’m going to marry a Russet”, she says.
“Russets are outstanding Potatoes. You have my blessing. They come from fine
stock. Get married and have a long, happy life.”
Then the second Potato daughter goes to the Potato father and says, “Dad, I
have wonderful news. I’m getting married, too.”
Her potato father says, “What marvelous news! Who are you going to marry?”
To this she replies, “I am going to marry an Idaho.”
The potato father says, “Idaho’s are also wonderful Potatoes. You have my
blessing as I know they are terrific with excellent roots.
Then the third daughter goes to her father and says, “I, too, am getting
married.”
The potato dad says, “I can’t believe this. I am so happy. Who are you going
to marry?”
The third daughter replies: Dan Rather.”
“Dan Rather??”, exclaims the shocked father. “You can’t marry Dan Rather.
He’s a commontater.”
December 11th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
these jokes were really funny!! its good that ppl will take the time out of their day to help another person laugh. laughter is the best medicine!! i hope everyone who saw this page smiled at least once.
Would you do something for me?
i noticed that whenever someone tells a joke, even if its childish or just plain silly, it can get usually get a chuckle out of someone. Then the person who laughed will try to think of another joke to make someone else laugh. And that next person will do the same thing!! Its a chain reaction!! So, if one person told one joke everyday, think of what a happier place the world would be!! Theres so much to gain and nothing to lose!!
as a wise philosopher once said;
“for that is the saving grace of comedy. if u fail no one is laughing at you!”
have an awesome day.
you are a unique and special person, there will never be another like you, you are a marvel. So why not try and make the world a better place? think of your friends your family your kids everyone you love, and if u dont care about making the world a better, happier place, do it for them. Do it for us.
Thank you!! =)
December 14th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
preety funny but some i dont get but still they cracked me up!!!
December 15th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
A lady goes to see a doctor and explains that she is losing her sex drive and is worried that it will negatively effect her marriage. The doctor explains that it is probably a lowering of her testosterone levels, so he gives her some testosterone pills that will help balance her system. Concerned, she questions him about testosterone being a male hormone. He assures her that both men and have this hormone and that it is predominately in men and that women tend to lose their sex drive when the little amount they have in their system drops significantly. “Come back in six months and tell me how it is working for you,” he says reassuringly. She agrees to try. Three months later she returns complaining about some strange hair growth on her chest. The doctor says “Well how far down is this hair growing?” She yells back “All the down to my peni-.”
December 17th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Are you kidding!? Aweful jokes. I think I have the best joke I have ever heard and you are about to read it. Ready?…
Have you seen Quasimodo?
…I have a hunch he’s back!
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH
that left me laughing for DAYS
December 18th, 2008 at 10:39 am
HERE’S A GOOD ONE:
A blonde walks into a library, approaches the front desk and says, “Can I get a cheeseburger?”. The librarian confused, says, “ma’am, this is a library”. The blonde replies with a quiet whisper, “oh sorry, can I have a cheeseburger?”
December 18th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Try this one. a pig walks into a bar and orders a drink then 20 more without going to the bathroom the bartender asks how he does it and the pig replies ……………………………………….. “simple i’m the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home”
December 19th, 2008 at 7:56 am
haha…i think some of the jokes were funnny but yea..dont take it to the heart though…
=)
December 20th, 2008 at 7:54 am
those were the dumbest jokes i’ve ever heard!!!!!!!
December 20th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
“Honey, today my friends will visit our home,” said husband to his wife.
“What?! Look our home! Like a sinking ship! Floor still dirty. Dirty laundry pile in bathroom. I burned my cooking. Our kid got sick. I’m not even take a bath yet. But you invite your friends here!”
“Calm down honey. Let’s forget all those things. They want to get married. I intentionally invite them, so they can see what marriage life can be.”
December 20th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
2 grandfathers sit in the bench under the tree. One grandpa said to other, “Bejo, now I am 73 old and sick a lot. You have about the same age, is that the same things happened to you?”
“Well, …actually I feel like a newborn baby.”
“Really? Do you really feel like a newborn baby?”
“Yes! I am bald, have no teeth, … even now I pee in my pant!”
December 20th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
that’s nice
December 24th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
man this is the best joke
ur mum is so dumb that when
a robber came and stole her tv
she ran after him and said
u forgot the remote!!!
LOL!
December 24th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
rate my joke 1-10 plz
number 199
December 27th, 2008 at 3:29 am
The Martial Artist who joined the Army nearly killed himself the first time he saluted
December 27th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
im 10 and my brother is 12 and my twin brother and sister is 6 and we all agree that every single one of the jokes were TERRIBLE!NOT EVEN KIS UNDER 13 ENJOY THESE JOKES.the comments were better.
BTW the ralphy joke was hilarious. lol
December 29th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
The NASA and Russian joke was the funniest one!
Amar, 7
December 30th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
oh ive got a good one.
SO a man who is 60 ears old getsa face lift. HE now looks like 40. So he goes aroung asking people if they can guess his age. The first place he goes is a mcdonalds. He asks a woman if she can gess his age. She says thirty nine. The man says i wish i were and tells her hes 60. He then goes to a bagel shop and asks a costomer. the costomer says 45. The man says no and tells him 60. Soon he goes to a subway station and asks an old lady. SHe says that she can tell what the age of a person is only by feeling his peni-. The guy wais for verybody to leave and then she does that. She then tells the man 60. The mn says how do you know! she tells him, i was standing behind you at mcdonalds, and quickly bords the train.
I heard that back in London, when my mum took me to a comedy show! Heehee!
December 31st, 2008 at 12:14 am
that sucks none of those jokes are funny
January 2nd, 2009 at 3:04 am
AWESOME!!!! & funny
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:24 am
Efficiancy Expert Joke-A couple was having dinner in a nice restaraunt,when they noticed that each of the waiters had a spoon in their shirt pocket.When they asked their waiter why,he explained that an efficiancy expert had determined that if they carried a spoon with them they would save a significant amount of time not going to the kitchen if someone dropped one. A while later they noticed that the waiters also had a string hanging out of their flys.When asked, the waiter explained that it was because they were told that when they went to the bathroom,if they tied the string to their private part they could use the string to remove it from their pants and then would’nt have to wash their hands, saving important time. Well OK, said the customer,but how do you get it back in your pants? Oh thats easy,says the waiter, we use the spoon.
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Come on now, That was pretty good.I think I deserve a round of applause. I’m saying The Efficiency Expert is new best joke. (And I’m spelling efficiency more better,too.)The hunting accident joke is a mighty joke, though.And the dog telegram was good.Thanks for a laugh.
January 5th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
ur jokes are funny but some are just stupid. tri this the man walked in to a bar and said ooch lol na that was not funny but it was better than some of yours
January 5th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
okay,
A man is in a desert, dehydrated and almost dried up, when he sees a stable up ahead. He crawls over to it and knocks on the door. A man comes out, sees the poor man and nurses him back to health. When the man is better the nice man loads up a horse with food and water and put the man on it. “Now, this horse is special.” he says. “To make him go, you say ‘thank god’ to make him stop, you say halleljuah. the man thanks him and leaves, while yelling thank god. After an hour of riding, he starts to see a cliff ledge ahead. thank god! he says. He forgets how you make the horse stop. thank god! thank god! he says but the horse keeps gaining speed.Then, a few feet from the edge, he remembers. HALLELJUAH! he screams, as the horse screeches to a halt, inches away from the cliif edge. “thank god” he says
January 14th, 2009 at 1:35 am
two fish are in a tank. one turns to the other and says,
“how do you drive this thing?”
January 23rd, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I was in a taxi and the driver was whistling and he had a grin on his face.
” i love this job ! I’m my own boss and i never get told what to do”
i replied :
“left here ! “
January 24th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
@sean
You did not make that joke up 2 days ago my 7th grade teacher told me that one.
January 25th, 2009 at 9:38 am
There are some funny jokes on here. i particularly liked the teacher one. everyone should stop complaining we all have different senses of humour.
January 27th, 2009 at 3:45 am
A man is speeding and is pulled over by a cop
cop says: sir im gona havta give you a tickit for speeding.
man starts singing “21 today 21 today hey hoe meeadio 21 today!
cop says: oh sir its your birthday ok ill let you off this once just dont let it happen again.
man drives off and knocks down an old woman and starts to sing…. 22 today 22 today…….
January 27th, 2009 at 10:44 am
yo mamma so ugly when she stands on the beach the tide wont come in. yo mamma so fat when she gos to the zoo elephants start throwing peanuts at her. yo mamma so fat when she gos to the zoo she has to buy 2 tickets, one to get in one to get out. yo mamma so old when i tell her to act her age she dies. yo mamma so fat when she jumps for joy she gets stuck. yo mamma so stupid she invented the first yo mamma joke
January 28th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Two guys are walkin’ down the street. They come across a dog, sitting on the corner, merrily licking his own “private parts.” The first guy says, “MAN! I wish *I* could do that!” The second guy replys, “Don’t you think you should PET him first?!)
January 31st, 2009 at 1:12 am
LOL the one about the hunters was so funny. I literally rolled on the floor laughing at the one with the lady and her baby…hahaha
February 2nd, 2009 at 6:59 pm
IT IS STUPID
February 3rd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I was yelling at my kid cousing the other day and he replied ” Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me..” so I threw a dictionary at him.
February 3rd, 2009 at 5:09 pm
I think all of these jokes are great once you get to think about them it just takes time. i think it is cool everyone has there own sense of humor.Everyone should
February 3rd, 2009 at 8:50 pm
dis is the worse jokes ever and i mean ever dudes this really lame
February 5th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
These jokes did not even make me smile, it’s epic FAIL. If you go up to post 1 & see the reply of post 3…I laughed so hard lulz
February 6th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
WELL I AM NOT HERE TO LEAVE A COMMIT, BUT HERE TO PUT IN 2 JOKES…
1. A COWBOY RIDES INTO TOWN ON FRIDAY, STAYS THREE DAYS, AND THEN LEAVES ON FRIDAY. HOW DID HE DO IT?
2. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE IN ROAST BEEF AND PEA STEW?
3. A TEACHER ASK A KID WHAT THEIR FAVORITE KIND OF FLOWER WAS. THE KID SAID, CRSYANTHMUM AND THE TEACHER ASKED THE KID TO SPELL IT. THE KID ANSWERED I CHANGED MY MIND… MY FAVORITE FLOER IS A ROSE… R-O-S-E.
February 6th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
HERE ARE THE ANSWERES…
1. HIS HORSE’S NAME WAS FRIDAY
2. ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF BUT NOBODY CAN PEE STEW.
3. WELL THE ANSWER IS IN THE THRID ONE.
I KNOW I SAID THREE AND THEN I THOUGHT OF ANOTHER, AND I FORGOT TO EARASE 2 AND PUT 3. LOL!
February 7th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Some of these jokes are good. A few of them made us laugh.
February 8th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Here are 2 jokes that made me laugh and i figured I’d share them with everyone:
A man and woman just got married and were spending their first night together. They were both starting to undress and the man took his shoes and socks off first.
The woman looked at his toes all red and curled in and asked, “What happened to your toes?”
So he answered, “I suffered from a childhood disease called Tolio.”
Woman: Don’t you mean Polio?
Man: No, Tolio only affects the toes.
Then they continue undressing and he takes his pants off and she notices that his knees are real ugly and crooked so she asks him what happened.
Man: I also suffered from Kneasles.
Woman: Don’t you mean Measles?
Man: No, Kneasles. It only affects the knees.
So finally he takes his underwear off and the wife takes one look and seems disappointed.
Man: I CAN EXPLAIN!!!
Woman: Don’t tell me…
… You also had smallcox?
Here is the 2nd joke I read a few years ago and thought it was pretty clever:
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town…
and put up a sign reading: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.”
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to “Catatonics and High Colonics.” No go.
Next, they tried “Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.” Thumbs down again.
Then came “Minds and Behinds.” Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in “Lost Souls and Butt Holes.”
Unacceptable again! So they tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts.” Not a chance.
“Nuts and Butts?” No way. “Freaks and Cheeks?” Still no go.
“Loons and Moons?” Forget it.
Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”
Everyone loved it.
HOPE YOU ENJOYED THESE JOKES!!!
February 11th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Here I sit,
All broken hearted,
Came to Shit,
But only farted.
February 12th, 2009 at 6:29 am
wow, the comments r funnier than the jokes. especialy post 3. and i’m not kidding.
February 15th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
I like them
and the comments XD
here’s one..
there’s a girl on a bus, and she badly needs a fart. luckily for her, there is music on full blast. so she farts and then her favourite song comes on, and she farts to the beat of the song. while she is farting her stop is coming up so she stands up and notices everyone looking at her. she suddenly remembers she has her iPod in :L
February 16th, 2009 at 12:28 am
There was a blonde who came outside looked in her mailbox and slammed it shut. A few minutes later she did it again. The third time she did it her neighbor asked her what she was doing. She replied “My stupid computer keeps telling me ‘You’ve got mail’. Hehehehehehahahahahahehehe
February 24th, 2009 at 3:09 am
there was three girls a blonde a brunette and a red head the were getting chased by the cops so down the road away from the cops they see a factory and so they pull over and hide the car the girls go in and find three sacks one full of cats one full of dogs and one full of potatoe the brunette jumps in the dogs the red head jumps in the cats and the blonde jumps in the potatoes so the cops see the car and the factory so they go in and search the factory and they find the sacs and the cops kick the dogs the brunette goes woof woof so there like o.k. and then they kick the cats and the red head goes meow and there like o.k. so they kick the sac full of potatoes and the blonde goes potato
February 24th, 2009 at 11:57 am
im speechless
February 24th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
sean, your joke is exquisitly retarded
February 27th, 2009 at 5:28 am
wots the deffanition of noise
a skeloton havin a wank in a dust bin
February 27th, 2009 at 5:30 am
i would tell u the joke about the butter but u myte spread it
i would tell u the joke about the wall but u myte not get over it
February 27th, 2009 at 5:33 am
a termite walks into a bar ands says is the bar tender here
February 27th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
three chickens get shot
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:41 pm
what do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you.
take the pin out and lob it back
March 3rd, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Why would a factory have sacks of dogs/cats/potatoes?! That has got to be hands-down the stupidest “joke” I have ever wasted my time reading! wow – so, so, so stupid!
Here’s one for those of us who aren’t brain dead..
A lawyer drives by a park in his limo and sees two men on their hands and knees eating grass. He tells the driver to pull over, rolls down his window and yells out,
“hey, why are you eating this grass?”
The first man replies
“it’s the recession, we’ve hit hard times and have no money, yet we need to eat something”
so the lawyer tells them to get into his car to come back to his place for dinner. The men point back towards the park and tell the lawyer that their families are out there also grazing on the grass. The lawyer tells the men to bring them along too! So they all pile into the back of the limo and one of the happy men pipes up…
“I don’t know why people say all these mean nasty things about lawyers – you’re just about the nicest guy ever, to offer all of us a meal at your home sir!”
To which the lawyer replies…
“it’s a win-win situation for everyone. You all get to eat to your hearts contents, and I won’t have to mow my lawn this week”
March 3rd, 2009 at 8:38 pm
this is lame but what do you call cheese thats not yours?
nacho cheese get it not cho cheese hahaha no not really
March 4th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
that was funny whoeva didnt thik so r some hater or they might be depressed it was still funny
March 6th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
thers an american, a french and an Australian . The american says we build big and we build fast we built the empire state building in 6weeks. Then the frenchman says we build big and we build fast we built the ifoll tower in 2 weeks. Then the american turns to the australian and says hey what do you have . and the australian says I don’t know probably nothing . The american then says what about that brigde. Indecateing the Sydney harbour brigde outside the window.The australian looks over his shoulders and says I don’t know it wasn’t the yesterday
March 12th, 2009 at 8:30 am
wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”"Yes I do!”"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.”"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?”"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.”"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.”"Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?”"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out ofthe cage.”"Well, what if there ain’t no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?”"Well, that’s dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.”
March 12th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife wasreally pissed.She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in thedriveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, broughtthe box back in the house.She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Bob has been missing since Friday.
March 12th, 2009 at 8:32 am
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say, “Hallelujah!” The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, “Amen!”
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher’s instructions. “Hallelujah!” shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. “Amen!” shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. “This is great!” said the man. With a “Hallelujah,” he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. “Stop,” said the man. “Halt!” he cried. The donkey just kept going. “Oh, no… Bible!….Church!…Please Stop!!” shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer. “Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN.”
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
“HALLELUJAH!”, shouted the man.
March 12th, 2009 at 8:33 am
How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your rubbish bin On Your Desk And Label It ‘In.’
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks
Once Everyone is Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheques, Write ‘For Smuggling Diamonds’
7. Finish All Your sentences with ‘In Accordance With The Prophecy.’
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go.’
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Have Your colleagues address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
16. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won!, I Won!’
17. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The car park, Yelling
‘Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!’
18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity…….
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
Its Called ……. Therapy
March 12th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Cop pulls over a taxi.
Cop says: “License please.”
Taxi driver says: “What for?”
Cop: “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
Taxi driver: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Cop: “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License please.”
Taxi driver: “What’s the difference?”
Cop: “The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License please!”
Taxi driver: “Heish … if you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”
Cop says: “Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The taxi driver gets out of his taxi, whereupon the cop takes out his knuppel and starts beating the taxi driver and says: “you want me to stop or just slow down?”
March 12th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Gas Attack
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!” The woman thought, “this is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “dammit Ginger!” Once again the woman smiled and thought, “yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “dammit Ginger, get away from her before she craps on you!”
March 12th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Triplets
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. “What’s wrong” asks the mother. “I was taking pee and this bullet came out” replies the daughter. The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. “Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out”. Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. “It’s okay” says the mom, “I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out.” “Not exactly,” says the boy. “And the bullet bounced off the ceiling and shot the dog.”
March 13th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
these jokes are the funniest jokes but here is one for ya
yo mamma so small that she uses a teabag as a pillow
and whenever she sits on the sidewalk her feet dangle in the air
March 13th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
I HAVE A JOKE…
THERE ONCE WAS A BOY WHO KNEW NO ENGLISH AT ALL!
SO ONE DAY HE WENT TO LEARN SOME WORDS. HIS MOM SAID TELL ME EVERY THING YOU LEARNED. “OKAY”.SAID THE BOY. AND SO HE WENT.HE WAS WALKING BY HE HEARD SOME CONSTRUCHON MEN SAY “GIVE ME A DOOR.” THEN HE WENT BY SOME RUNNING PEOPLE SCREAMING “AH. A RAY OF LIGHTNING!” THEN HE SAW A FIGHT AND THE PEOPLE SAID “ME.ME.ME!” THEN HE WENT BY A SINGING CLASS AND HE HEARD “FA FA FA.” THEN HE WENT BY A GREATY PURSON AND HE SAID “SO.” THEN HE WENT BY A SINGING CLASS AND HE HEARD “LA.” THEN HE WENT BY A SCHOOL AND HEARD “OKAY CLASS THIS IS THE LETTER T.”
THEN HE WENT BACK TO THE CONSTRUCHON PLACE AND HEARD “DOOR DOOR.” AGAIN. THEN HE WENT HOME TO HIS MOM “OKAY WHAT DID YOU LEARN?” SHE ASKED.
“DO,RAY,ME,FA,SO,LA,TE,DO”
I MADE UP THIS JOKE AND I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
LOVE
AMY;-)
March 16th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
This is my all time fav joke….
there once was 3 girls name lily, daisy, and cinderblock. lily asked her dad why she was named lily, he dad said “because a rose pedal dropped on your head. daisy asked her dad why she was named daisy and he said ” because a diasy pedal dropped on ur head” then cinderblock came along and said der duh der duh der. her dad said ” shut up cinderblock.
March 17th, 2009 at 1:50 am
Okay, usually I don’t make comments on pages like this … but something SERIOUSLY caught my eye…obviously some of these jokes people aren’t going to think is funny.. or just simply not get them so obviously their not funny then… but people are coming to this site to get a good laugh… not to argue so all you immature people jus HUSH IT and don’t even waste your time… So what if you don’t think a joke is funny??? Obviously the person who posted it thinks it is.. it’s not like there just going to take the time out of their lives to write something dumb? This is a joke itself… people arguing on the funniest jokes page… haha ya’ll are silly…
March 19th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
I got a funny joke….
A blind man with a seeing eye dog walks into a store.Then,the blind man starts to swing the dog around in the air!The manager walks up and sys “Sir!what are you doing!” the blind man replys, “OH!JUst “looking around.”
March 20th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
i have a joke “Why did the skeliton not go to the disco?” You’ll never guesse.”because he had no body to go with” ha ha ha ha thats one of the best jokes ever are atleast better than this websites jokes lol oh i got a even better joke… THIS WEBSITE
March 20th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm – says to the bartender, “I’d like a scotch and soda.”
The bartender, barely looking up as he wipes the bar replies, “Sorry, we don’t allow pigs in the bar.”
The woman, full of righteous indignation, retorts, “This, my good man, is NOT a pig – it is a DUCK!”
To which he responds, “I know! I was talking to the duck!”
March 20th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
I personally think the jokes are ok…….hehhehe try keeping a straight face sayin that one
March 21st, 2009 at 4:59 pm
these jokes r hilariouse evry 1 hu sez they rnt can go n find out how stupid they r !!!
March 24th, 2009 at 2:36 am
cornholio, u’re jokes are the best! I had a good laugh!!
March 25th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
This guy calls 911. The dispatcher answers and says, 911 How can I help you? The guy in a southern draw says, my wife got attacked by a wild boar and i need your help. The dispatcher asks for his address, he says 123 Eucalyptus Dr.Then the dispatcher says, can you spell that. There is a pause and he says I’m going to drag her on over to Oak St.
March 25th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
none of yall are funny ok here is a good joke your mama so fat when see steped on a talkin scale it said to be continued
March 27th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Oh! No! Immature Im sorry! My other comments did not go through. All i was saying is that your comment was awsome ad if you were a girl I would like you as date because most girls who ask me i say no because of their type.
March 27th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Ah man! My Joke was a page long but funny it took me all night to remember it! Thats no funny! Well here it goes, Check this out!
One Day Little Davy was in class one day and the teacher was grading papers she all of a sudden jumped up with a red face “IF ANY ONE IN THIS CLASS THINKS THEY’RE STUPID STAND UP!” No one stood up for three minutes the teacher stood there waiting towering over the class taping her toes in impatience. Davy stood up. The teacher looked at him and opened her mouth wide. “Davy you’re the only kid in this class that might make a decent scholarship in high school from the grades you get now! YOU HAVE STRAIT A’s!” Davy looked up, “Oh i know im smart.” “Oh.” The teacher said. “The why did you stand up?!?” Davy looked at her trying to hold off a smile. “You were the only one standing up teacher Lacy, I felt sorry for you, You were the only one that was stupid.”
This used up a whole page(this website comment size!) Funny joke huh? No it took me a while to figure it out, like two seconds. Hah!Hah! Later
March 27th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Like what Immature said, Some of these comments are like none of you that give lame comments have no life like you, Jessica or Morgan You guyes have no since of humor and you just can’t get over the fact that you want to fit in to the crowd that seems cool because they say retarded crapped up comments that tick me off get a job I suggest RESPECTING OTHERS JERKS!
March 27th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
I just wonder why some idiots are saying those jokes aren’t funny, then again i guess it’s not their fault if there retarded, or four year olds.
Honestly people, don’t say the jokes aren’t funny just because you don’t get them, if you don’t get them that doesn’t make them not funny, just beyond you.
Here’s an alright joke…
A man and a women have been married 75 years, and for their anniversary they go out for a nice dinner. During the dinner the man asks the women
“I couldn’t help but notice our 15th child looked a little different from all the rest, now we’ve had 75 wonderful years together, and nothing you can say will take that away, or make me stop loving you, so tell me honestly, did our 15th child have a different father?”
The woman hides her face in shame and says “Yes”
The man is slightly shocked, so he asks “Who was it??”
The woman looks up, tears in her eyes and says “You”
March 28th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Hey, when I was looking on this sight i saw that alot of people repeated other peoples jokes; just diffrently said. Weird, Listen to this.
Two blondes are laying on a Caligornian beach
1 Blonde: Which one is further? The sun or Florida?
2 blonde: Duh, you can see the sun.
March 28th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
lagh
March 28th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor looked at her face and butt ans said they were twins.
March 28th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
allthese jokes are funny the coments are stupid i hate the comments hers a joke a guy is robbing a house a heares jesus is waching you and he keeps going then he heres it agien and moves on then heres it agien and turns around and sees a parret and the parret says hi im mosses and the guy says what kind of person would name you mosses and the parret says tha same person that named there bulldog jesus
March 29th, 2009 at 7:03 am
man walks into a bar ouch! P.S the German one has to be the worst one on the page closely followed by the Begum one leave the joke telling to the British and maybe the Americans if they stop making tv shows like Scrubs, my name is erl and family guy
March 29th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
these jokes arnt funny !!!!
March 29th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
My wife had just left for work, and I was getting ready to leave. As I was about to turn the radio off, I heard a traffic update- ‘URGENT, Please avoid the M4 motorway at all costs, as some idiot is driving down the wrong way’. Knowing that was roughly where my wife was, I quickly phoned her to warn her.
Me:’Hi babe, get off the motorway, there is some lunalic driving down the wrong way!’
Wife: ‘ONE!! there are hundreds of them!!’
March 30th, 2009 at 11:28 am
LOL! here’s a joke! A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
March 30th, 2009 at 11:31 am
LOL! here’s another one! There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
March 30th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
a guy was on a plane and blonde flight attendant came to him and asked “would u like something to eat?” then he asked “wat r my options?” and she said “yes or no”
if u dont get it—–she was saying his options were yes or no wile he wanted to know wat they were serving
(//_-) =P
March 30th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
leme rephrase this so it will get posted…
“these mentally challenged jokes are so fecal mattery”
March 31st, 2009 at 1:57 pm
i think the joke were the mam gets into the bus and man says child is ugly tat one its brill cos it is lol
April 1st, 2009 at 12:49 am
Oh God! Joseph you killed that joke! I came up with that joke and I had no idea what you were talking about! Brothers! Sheesh!
April 1st, 2009 at 12:59 am
That comment ws harsh about Anonymous! OMG what kind of web site is this? Where you go and cuss out other commenters. That have the right to say what they want to say oh yeah My name is erl is stupid:(
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:57 am
HEy Danno (stupid name!) You joke was retarded! And joseph Oh My Gosh! What kinda lame joke was that! “Ehat kidof people name ther bird moses name their “bulldog” wwhich 9 out 0f ten chance will not attack anyone Jesus!?!” What the most stupidest punch line in the history of the world!
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:18 am
buger
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:35 pm
A pirate walks into a bar.
The bartender points at his crotch and asks, “Hey, I couldn’t help but notice that you have a wooden steering wheel sticking out of your pants.”
The pirate replies, “Argh, it’s driving me nuts!”
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
please use a pirate accent when telling the pirate’s part
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:22 pm
haha alot of the things people sayon here are funny but to the ones who dont like the jokes.go on with your day!
April 5th, 2009 at 4:01 am
Man RAD you did it! You succsessfully copied and killed a joke! If you look higher to Blah’s comment (it’s Joke 234) You screwed it up! MAn! And your other joke The layer one check joke 155 you will see that you copied and srewed that one up too. Ah yes Ashley(256) I see you copied joke 49 and screwed it up. Cinderblock!?! are you stupid!?!
April 5th, 2009 at 4:11 am
Hey! alot of people repeat other jokes thinking that we will think thay you copiers came up with it first! Stop! I made up 43 % of this sight! I’m up to your games I can tell what your intensions are. IM NOT STUPID!
April 5th, 2009 at 4:25 am
Dude, sad story even though I could almost barley understand what you wrote.
April 5th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Q: Why did the old man fall off his bicycle?
A: Because somebody threw a fridge at him
April 5th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
these are really funny jokes…. i like them all, but my favorite one is the one about the doctor an the girl’s eyesight……and my favorite comment joke is from sean who is #4…halarious
April 6th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
i tried that poop joke on my cousin and he started laughing like a mad scientist. like boahahahahahahahaaaaaaa
April 6th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
didnt laugh once
April 7th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
The pirate joke is the best (Comment 287). It’s so ridiculously stupid.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
A Native American Joke from South Park:
Pony and Coyote walk up mountain to talk with Eagle. Pony says to Eagle, “Can you yell at Coyote for me?”. Eagle asks, “Why not yell yourself?”. Pony says, “I’m a little hoarse”.
April 8th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
omg whats wrong with yall these jokes r CORNY!!!!!!! the fact that so many ppl actually looked up this site and were so bored that they actually took time out of their lives to comment and put WORSE jokes …i find it funny that your parents love u and yea im on here too put i got this throgh facebook so im exempt
April 8th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
whats blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint. you would be surprised with the amount of people that dont come up with the answer
April 9th, 2009 at 10:17 am
i like this jokes so much.Thanks for this.Bye for now.
@ @
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April 10th, 2009 at 3:17 am
hey numbnuts at #4 that is an old joke, you didn’t make it up,that’s a lowdown thing to do, you probably saw that on Big Trouble, which was written by DAve Barry by the way, in short you’re a liar…
April 10th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Here’s the thing. To all those who said, “whoever made this site is dumb. Those jokes aren’t funny. etc,” did you read the article? Those are the jokes that according to a survey scored the highest among participants. Yes, they’re bland. But they are funny. Simple, unoffensive, but funny. Different things go into whether someone considers a joke funny. For instance, many people will automatically deem a joke “unfunny” if it offends them.
Possibly the most perfect joke I’ve ever heard:
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s a woman.
This joke is so simple, but it uses the essence of comedy incredibly well. Especially misdirection. Of course it may also be a little offensive to some people. Those would not give a joke like that a high score/call it funny.
April 12th, 2009 at 8:03 am
here is a funny joke?plz leave comments(nice ones)
A man and a girrafe walk into a bar and ask the bar man for a couple of drinks.A couple of hours later the girrafe goes over the top and passes out because he had to many drinks the the bar man walks up to the man who was with the girrafe and says”why’s that lying on the floor” the replies “it aint a lion mate its a girrafe!”
April 13th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
very funny good work
April 13th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
What did the three frogs say to each other when they crossed the road? ‘Watch out for the ….. what ….. that ….. ‘
ps; you can swap the ….. with blip/squash/mash souds when saying it.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:27 am
Cool Joke!
April 16th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road…..He didn’t have the guts.
HA HA HA BOOM BOOM!!!!
April 17th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
worst jokes ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 19th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
WOW, i have pity on you guys……
so there is Barak Obama, Bill Clinton, and John McCain are in a limo together.
Suddeny a huge tornado picks them up and flings them off to another world.
Barak Obama gets out of the limo and says
Obama- “We must be in the land of Oz! maybe i can go the wizard and he can give me a Brain!”
Then McCain gets out and says
McCain-”Ya!, maybe he can give me a Heart!!!”
Then Clinton gets out and says
Clinton- “Where the hell is Dorthy?”
April 19th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Alright, this is another version of the hunting one….
there are two buddies hunting together and one of them says to the other
“ya know, we should really be wearing blaze orange clothes so that other hunters know that we are here.”
“Na, we’ll be fine trust me”
so the first guuy agrees and slings his gun over his shoulder.
All of a sudden there is a shot heard and the buddy in front wildley turns around and says:
“did ya get one buddy!!!”
Then he looks down and sees his friend lying on the ground moaning.
He calls 911 and tells the operator
“HELP! HELP! my little buddy! i think i shot my little buddy!!”
So the operator is calm and tells the man to reamin calm.
“Alright, what you need to do is make sure that he is dead.”
“Okay!”
so he sets down the phone and….BANG!!!
“Alright now what do i do?”
April 19th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Please comment on my jokes! that would be greatt!
April 19th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Aw, come on, guys. Lighten up! I think these jokes are pretty funny, and civilized enough. Here’s one, but it kinda sux.
When the zoo’s most famous gorilla, Nana, died, the zoo knew they would lose profits, so they hired somebody to act as a gorilla. The person would get lots of cash to wear a gorilla suit and jump around.
Unfortunately, a lion got out of its cage, and leapt into “Nana”’s, much to the actor’s horror.
He decided to give up the act and try to save his life.
“Please, please! Someone help me, the lion’s going to kill me!”
And then the lion said,
“Shut up, or we’ll both get sacked!”
It sucks, I know.
And I also dislike “the duck song” at the top of the page, it’s too slow-moving.
April 19th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Another one! It’s pretty rude, though…
A psychiatrist called three women in for a test with their children. After long hours of testing, he found a serious obsession in all of the mothers.
He told the first, “you have a severe obsession with food. You called your daughter Candy!”
He told the second, “you are freakishly obsessed with money; you named your daughter Penny!”
Before the third mother could be told what her obsession was, she lead her son out of the office,m saying, “We don’t need to hear this, Dick.”
Hehehehe!
It’s very inappropriate, but kind of funny.
And I have nothing against those names, I actually like them.
April 19th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Okay, listen, I’m not repeating this joke from further up, I am just editing it. I found that I recognized the general idea, but it was hard to read for spelling mistakes, so (because I’m a control freak) I am going to re-write it.
A burglar entered a house, and started to pocket a bronze vase, when he heard, “Jesus is watching you, thief!”
Ignoring it, he proceeded to take a silver plate, when he heard it again; “Jesus is watching you, thief!”
He turned around anxiously, while grabbing a golden nugget, but he heard it again!
“Jesus is watching you, thief!”
“Okay, that’s it”, he said in frustration. “Who is saying that?”
“I am!” said the voice behind him, and the burglar swivelled to see a tiny, cute little budgie.
“What’s your name?” he said to the budgie.
“Moses.”
“What kind of owner would call a budgie that?”
And the budgie replied,
“The same kind of owner that would call their 50-pound Rottweiler Jesus!”
Hawhaw.
April 19th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Here’s a rude one.
A couple had already given birth to two beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed baby girls with cherubic faces, but their third child was a rubber-faced, wailing little brat.
The husband confronted the wife about this.
“Hey, have you been cheating on me?”
The wife said smugly, “Not this time.”
April 22nd, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Omg the frist joke was as funny as hell
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:45 pm
haha damn i love 85 i think it was. the one about the dog and vikings. haha!
April 24th, 2009 at 10:45 am
you people are the funniest wow i almost cried by laughingh
April 24th, 2009 at 10:47 am
those jokes really suck
April 28th, 2009 at 12:56 am
all these are peoples talents and i like it
April 28th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
i have a joke……
a blonde was driving recklessly along the road and a policeman stopped her saying, “Miss, why are you driving recklessly along the road?”
And the blonde said, “Because sir, everywhere I look there is a tree in my way.”
“Ma’am,” said the policeman, “that’s your air freshner.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOLO!
April 29th, 2009 at 10:00 am
they are good but not all jokes in here….
i love jokes i i have read a lots of jokes. i think this are to alds.. they not the funniest i’ve ever read. i will post some jokes when i’ll cmoe back… i’m sleepy after reading this jokes…. lol
April 30th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
here’s a good joke 4 u.. a bear and a rabbit were walking in the forrest and they find a lamp. The bear picks it up and rubs it and a genie pops out of it. The genie says ” you both may have three wishes each. The bear says “Me first! I wish that all the beasrs in this forrest were girls!” and the genie grants it. The rabbit says ” i wish i had a fast motorcyle!” The genie grants it. The bears then says, “I wish all the bears in this country were girls except me!” It’s granted. The rabbit says “I wish i had a helmet for my motorcyle.” The genie grants the wish. For the bears last wish he says, “I wish all the bears in the universe were girls except for me!” the rabbit quickly responds, “I wish that bear was gay.” HAHAHA!!!
May 2nd, 2009 at 7:32 pm
personally, I think that the funniest part of this page is the conflict between people who like the jokes and those who dont. Anyway, here’s a blonde joke (not to anyone’s offense):
A man was out washing his car on a sunny day. his neighbor, a blone woman, came out side to her mailbox, opened it, frowned, and closed it before walking inside. 15 minutes later, she checked her mail again only to find that it was empty. After continually doing this, the man finally asked her, “Why do you keep checking your mail?”
She replied, “Well, my computer keeps saying that I have mail, but when I check it there is none!”
May 3rd, 2009 at 1:28 pm
why did the turkey cross the road
because he wasnt a chicken
May 3rd, 2009 at 1:36 pm
A blonde a burneete and a redhead all die to go to heavan they have to go up 100 staircases someone tells them a joke on every staircase if they laugh they go to hell the redhead laughs on the first one the burnette laughs on the 67th one the blone laughs on the 99th on before they tell her the joke they ask why she laughed she says I just got the first joke.
May 7th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Heres some jks
if a Blonde throws a grenade at u wat do u do
i know pull the pin and throw it back
an american guy a russian guy and a blonde was walkin down the road and the american guy said we were the 1st one to walk on the moon the the russian dude said oh yea we were the 1st ones in space and the blonde said oh yea im goin to be the 1st one on the sun they looked at the blonde and said u retard u cant go to the sun she said yes huh im goin at NIGHT!!!!
HaHaHaHaHaHa
tell me if u think its funny no offense if ur a blonde
May 8th, 2009 at 11:58 am
what vegetable might you find in the basement?
celer-y!!!
hahahahaha
May 8th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
If u have read dis far; u r a stupid comp nerd and Hi!
May 10th, 2009 at 6:53 am
A woman goes to a plastic surgeon. She says, “I want to tighten the skin on my face.”
The surgeon says, “Well we have a new device called the knob. We attach a knob to the top of your head and any time you want to tighten your skin, just turn the knob and you’ll look 10 years younger instantly.”
Years pass and the knob works perfectly for the woman. Everytime she notices wrinkles, she twists the knob and tightens her skin. However one day the woman comes back to the surgeon with some problems. She says, “I’ve used the knob for years and I’ve never had any complaints with it, but I have 2 problems. Firstly, I can’t seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes…”
The doctor examines the bags closely and says after a few minutes, “Hmmm those bags under your eyes are in fact your breasts.”
After a minute the woman sighs and says, “well I guess there’s no point asking about the goatee then…”
May 10th, 2009 at 7:20 am
a newlywed couple are in their hotel room on their wedding night. Before things start heating up the man says, “Listen honey, theres’s something I wanna make clear to you…”
The woman asks what.
He says, “I want you to wear my pants”
The woman looks puzzled, but does it anyway. Obviously they were way too big for her. She laughs and says “Babes, I can’t fit into your pants…”
He replies, “Exactly. So don’t ever try to”
After making his point he leans in for a kiss.
She pauses and says, “Actually, I want you to wear my pants too.”
He looks puzzled but does it anyway. They were obviously too small for him. He laughs and says, “This is ridiculous, I can’t get into you pants…”
“Yep,” she replies, “and that’s the way it’s gonna be until you change your mind.”
May 13th, 2009 at 4:45 am
wowow.. did anyone actually realise that the comments box is alot more better than the actual jokes??? someone should just come up with a website with one comment box only. it will be the BEST JOKE SITE EVER!!!
May 13th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
A blonde and a brunette are racing up a bumpy road on their way to rob a bank. While bumping up and down, the brunette turns to the blonde, who is driving, and says, “you should slow down, I don’t want all the dynamite in the boot to explode”. At this the blonde turns to the brunette and says, “Oh, it’s OK. If that happens, I’ve got some spare under my seat”
May 13th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
A group of blondes and a brunette are dangling from a rope over a large chasm, and with no strength to climb up, they admit that they are doomed.
The brunette, the leader, makes a great and terrific speech.
And the blondes clap.
May 15th, 2009 at 2:33 am
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney, Ure to young to smoke
May 16th, 2009 at 5:54 am
not rellay funny
May 17th, 2009 at 5:19 am
To be honest, the funniest joke i ever heard was this: “Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? A: To get to the bottom!”
Not funny right. Try reading a joke book, finding this joke, and not getting it for 3 years
May 17th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
I was reading this b/c i like to laugh, but i was definitely not laughing. heres a joke my friend told me:
A guy is driving down the highway at about 20 mph and he gets pulled over by a cop. the cop asked him why he is going so slow and he says “well right over there, the sign says 20!” the cop answered him, “sir, that says route 20.” the guy driving says oh, oops. then the cop asked what happened to the people in the back seat because their faces were screwed up and their hair was sticking straight back. the guy answered him “well, we just got off of route 280!”
ha ha, thats a funny one!!!
May 18th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
There are way too many comments. And yes the jokes aren’t that funny but yes I did get a laugh out of them because I understand them. The comments are ok but some people should just not own a computer.
May 18th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Why do people call them seaguls?
Cause if they flew over the bay they would be called bayguls!!!
May 18th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Chuck norris can blow a bubble with beef jerkey!!
May 21st, 2009 at 10:42 am
Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with one bird
May 21st, 2009 at 10:48 am
Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s butter!
May 21st, 2009 at 11:12 am
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. On the island they found a genie who granted them a wish each. The brunette wished to be back home. The redhead wished the same. So the genie granted their wish and they were gone. Then the blonde said to the genie:
“I want my friends back.”
May 21st, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” the newspaper obit read. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:37 am
This is the story of Jon Godby.
Jon has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the “Butcher Dance.”
The guy’s a bit confused and says, “Butcher Dance? What’s that?”
“What? You no see Butcher Dance?”
“No, I’ve never heard of it.”
“Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?”
“Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?”
“No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree.”
“Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?”
“Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance.”
“Look, I’ve been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance.”
“OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles ’til you see big huge dead gum tree – biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days ’til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day ’til you see pass through mountains.
Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days ’til reach big huge rock – 20 ft high and shaped like man’s head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance.”
So Jon grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he’s forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn’t reach the tree until dusk and he’s forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he’s excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills – nothing will prevent him from completing his life’s dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he’s recovered enough, Jon goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.
“Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance.”
“Well, when do you hold the next dance?”
“Not ’til next year.”
“Well, I’ve come all this way. Couldn’t you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?”
“No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year.”
Jon is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
“The Butcher Dance!” gasps Jon. “Please don’t tell me I’m too late!”
The chief recognizes him and says “No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time.”
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment – preparing to capture the night’s ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird’s feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures Jon and he whispers to the chief, “What’s he doing?”
“Hush,” whispers the chief. “You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year.”
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
Jon is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, “You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about…”
May 23rd, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Now That’s Funny.
May 25th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
A blonde and a buisness man was sitting next to eachother on a plane. The buisness man said to the blonde
“lets play a game. Everytime i ask you a question and you cannot answer, you have to pay me five pounds. Everytime you aske me a question and i cannot answer. I will have to give you fifty pounds” the blonde agreed. Confident he would win the buisness man asked the first question.
“who is barrack obama” the blonde gave him five pounds. He asked another question.
“what is the capital of india” she gave him five pounds again.
“okay now your turn” he said to the blonde.
“what goes up the hill with three legs and comes back down with four legs” she asked. The buisness man racked his brain, he looked it up on the internet and even called every person who was on his phonebook on his mobile and still did not find the answer. He eventually gave up and gave her fifty pounds.
“What is the answer then” he asked, and she gave him five pounds.
May 26th, 2009 at 3:10 am
I think they ARE funny – that could be because of many reasons:
1). I’m 12,
2). I’m ill and basically delirious,
3). I have nothing better to do with my time.
I like the NASA one!
=P
May 26th, 2009 at 10:50 am
u kiddin me i came to this website to laugh my butt off it is just not funny
May 27th, 2009 at 10:47 am
A man walks into a bar/ brothel, slams $5000 dollars on the counter and says to the mistress “I’d like your fattest, ugliest girl, and a baloney sandwich.” The mistress says, “But sir, with that kind of money you could buy the biggest steak and have the nicest girl here” The man replies “You idiot, I’m not hungry and horny, I’m homesick.”
May 27th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven’s dad owns a gun.
May 27th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
OMG the chilli pepper one was halar!!!!! i was almost crying i am soo using that for my project!! lmao :P
June 1st, 2009 at 6:48 am
the english one was the best
June 1st, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Oh come on guys you can find some funnier jokes. And, phillipe it is
Q: why was six afraid of seven?
A: because seven eight nine
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:57 am
all this is bunk!!!! do you call this jokes?????
i have heard a 5 year old has told better jokes! these are disgusting and make me cry instead of laugh! you, want to hear real jokes??? well listen carefully
1) what is the difference between an intelligent ,man and a ufo???
ans: i have no clue i havent seen any.(no offence to boys)
2)a boy comes late to school so the teacher asks him why. so the boy says”sorry mam but i saw a sign on my way saying’school ahead go slow!!!!!
now those are jokes! and i have many more….so in future do me a favour and at least get an idea from a joke book before writing this junk. i mean what king of jokes are these????? i told my dog them and he also made a face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so in the future write better jokes and dont give this website such a bad name!!!!!!!!!!!
June 5th, 2009 at 5:55 am
these jokes are funny and i liked them. I was disappointed after reading the comments.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Those jokes were funny but the comments made everything terrible.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Oh and annonymous those werent jokes, those made me blow chunks they were so bad. Man my friend who laughs at everything had a stroke!! Not cool.
June 6th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
heres a joke for ya leave good comments
a guy walks into a bar and sees a guy with a blue tie on, the guys with the tie says, ill bet you $300 i can jump out of the window, but you will have to come,the guy that just came in said no, the guy with the tie went out of the bar, later on a guy with a blue tie on his head comes and tells the guy can came into the bar before the same thing, again he said no,phew while later a guy comes with a tie in his mouth, and says bet you $50 i can jump out of the window and come back alive only if you do it with me, the guy says if this drunk can do it then so can i, so they both jump out of the window and the guy with the tie comes back, and the bartender says “wow superman you really act stupid when your drunk and not working huh?”
June 6th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
hehe hilarious, he was superman all along!
June 6th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
oh oh i gotta joke…its kinda lame tho..i heard it on a show….
Q:Whats the diference between roast beef and pea soup….
A:You can always roast beef, but u can never pee soup!
ajaja
:’D
June 7th, 2009 at 6:39 am
HOW CAN YOU CLAIM THESE TO BE THE FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD I DONT THINK EVEN 1 OF THEM MADE ME BREAK A SMILE
June 8th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
i did not get half of them
June 10th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they go into the woods, find, a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
June 10th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best a his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
June 11th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Lol. Some jokes up there are good.
Here’s an awesome one:
Q: Whaddya do if a dumb blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull out the pin and throw it back.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Noddy is on his way to see his best friend Big-Ears. He puts on his special blue shorts, red hat and red jacket to match his little red shoes – and leaves his house.
He meets the Postman.
He says excitedly: “Hi, Posties, I’m off to see my best friend Big-Ears.”
He meets the Milkman.
“Hi, Milko, I’m off to see my best friend Big-Ears.”
He sees a delivery man.
“Hi, Van Man, I’m off to see my best friend Big-Ears.”
He sees his neighbour, riding a cycle.
“Hi, Cyclies, I’m off to see my best friend Big-Ears.”
He arrives at Big-Ears gate and cannot wait to surprise his friend.
Noddy knocks on the door and Big-Ears opens it and says:
“Not you again!
June 12th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
heres a joke for ya
a blonde walks into a tv store and ses may i have that tv please and she replys no we dont sell tvs to blondes so she gos out and dies her hair red.Then she walks b ack in to the tv store and ses may i buy that tv and she replies no we dont sell tvs to blondes so she walks out and dies her hair black.Then she walked back into the tv store and asked the lady may i buy that tv and she replies no we dont sell tvs to blondes and she replies how the hell do you know im a blonde because thats not a tv its a micowave
June 12th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
nice joke it was hell funny
June 15th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
whats funnier then 24, 25
June 15th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
wow. ok here’s a joke: There are two things in this world that i can be sure of: death and taxes. Only Taxes don’t go up everytime Congress meets.
XD ya. i’m from the U.S. oh well.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
lol that one is hilarious..
June 19th, 2009 at 4:24 am
what do you call a sweet shoe??
a SHOEgar!!!
June 20th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
i loooooove your jokes…they are hil-ar-i-ous!!! omg they are so good! hahahahaha
June 20th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
wth!?!? that was horrible..but i appriciate the effort! lol
June 21st, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Two goldfish in a tank.
one says to the other: “Do you even know how to drive this thing?”
June 21st, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Oh yeah:
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until it’s Bill Withers.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2! But I don’t know how they got in there!
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:38 pm
The flaming ducks joke DOESNT EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE! It’s so corny.
I LOVE the golf/funeral joke & the one about making sure the guy is dead lol
June 24th, 2009 at 11:29 am
these jokes are really cool. i loved them all!!!!
heres one:
knock knock.
who’s there?
interrupting cow.
interrupting co-
(person telling joke will interrupt audience by
saying the noise that the animal makes.)
example-interrupting cow=moo!!!!
yeah yeah i know that it is corny and bad.
comments welcome as long as they are pretty nice…..
June 24th, 2009 at 11:33 am
terrible joke, tho i don’t mean any offense. by the way to all of you that made those blode jokes, I AM A BLONDE!!!! so i’d like to give you a peice of my mind.
June 25th, 2009 at 12:38 am
good jokes, here’s on e from the States, but you have to be from the South to get it, (maybe)
Mr ducks
Mr not
MR2
CM EDBD webbed feet
CM EDBD eyes
LIB Mr ducks
June 25th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
OMG someone of these were not really all that funny I mean somewere but they get old and the jokes on the comments were realy bad but I appriciate the effort in trying to make people laugh. So I’m not really complaining I did laugh a lot especially with the little ralphy one so to the people that r complaining lets see if u can make up better jokes.
June 25th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I really like the joke posted by vikingguy123, but you would really only think it is funny if you are a viking fan…
G O M I N N E S O T A!
June 25th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
awesome jokes, everyone!!!! if you didn’t laugh, well then i guess your a blonde.
June 26th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
i love your stuff its frticking awesome
June 27th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
A newlywed couple wants to join a church but the Pastor tells them that in order for them to become members they have to abstain from sex for 2 weeks. The two weeks crawl by, and they return to the pastor, heads bowed low in shame. “How’d you do?” asked the pastor. The hubby replied, “we did ok for the first few days but I couldn’t help my self, she dropped a can of soup on the floor and when she bent over to pick it up I just took her right there!” The pastor shakes his head and says, “well, I’m sorry, but you’re not welcome in this church!” The wife replies, “that’s OK, we’re not welcome in Wal-Mart anymore either!”
June 27th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
damn cornholio nice jokes, even thoughts it’s far.. you know what I likes, it’s when I go on pages like this, that isn’t really popular, and I see that people have leave a comment like, 3 days ago. I have a joke:
Two snowman’s are talking. One say to the other one:
-Hey, don’t you smell carrots?
lol I have another one, actually it’s a funny fact:
Did you know that in China, they’re one billion. Wow, 1 000 000 000. That’s nine zeros. That mean that if a virus would affect one person out of a million, 1 000 persons would be affected..
lol g2g bye
June 27th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
I have another joke, popular in my family:
Once, there was that grandma, let’s say her name was Flip-Flop, and her parrot, which his name will be.. Flop-Flip (if you tell this joke to someone, you can take out the names, I just invented them..). The grandma said to her Flop-Flip:
-Hey, grandmommy is going out to a trip! Yes, to a trip
-Flop-Flip: No, I don’t want, me don’t want you go trip!
Flip-Flop: I don’t have a choice, but I’ll get you Flip-Flip, which you like! She’s a nice girl, right!
Flop-Flip: No! Not Flip-Flip! She’s a bad girl! No Flip-Flip-Flip-Flip!!! Don’t go Flip-Flop!!
Flip-Flop: Okay, gotta go! Anyway, Flip-Flip will come soon, maybe in 1 minute. Okay, love you, bye Flop-Flip!
Flop-Flip: No! NO! NO!!!! DON’T GO OH HO OH HO!! DON’T GO DON’T GO!!
Flip-Flop: Bye!
Flip-Flop and Flip-Flip meet at the door. They talk, and bla-bla-bla, and Flip-Flip go in Flop-Flip’s room! But Flip-Flop didn’t close well Flop-Flip’s door..
Flip-Flip: Oh my god, it’s hot, I’ll open the window!
And sure enough, the parrot open her cage and go AWAY!! (following Flip-Flop).
Flip-Flop take then plane, and guess with who she’s with in the plane? Flop-Flop, her boyfriend! So they sit, and talks, and bla-bla-bla. Flop-Flip Ket’chup, she was late, so the plane go high, High, HIGH, but the bird still is with her grandma, at the window. Flop-F1op saw Flop-Flip, so Flop-Flop tell Flip-Flop that Flop-Flip is at the window, but when Flip-Flop returns to see Flop-Flip. oh, sorry, I forgot. I posted it for just if anyone remember know that joke just tell me the rest..
anyway..
I have another joke!! (I remember it)
The French, the Australian and the American make a contest. The French say:
Frwenchwie: Je paris ce que vous voulez, mes amis, que je peux lancer cette brique loin, mais alors plus loin que le ciel!!
Australian: Yeah, sure, you cood to-duh-lee doo it, my free-end!
American: Lol, you have that accent australian, wow.. anyway, lol, nvm im roflmfao. anyways, we should make a contest, the one that throw the fartest brick!
Frwenchwie: D’accord, partenaire!
Austraslian: Okay, free-end!
American: Okay I start, then the frwenchwie, and finally the australian.
The american throw it so super hard, it went sure higher than a tree! Then, the french try! Une, deux, et trois!! He throw it higher than the american and higher than a piramid! Seriously, he’s really good at it! Then, the australian’s turn. Won, too, tree, go!! He throw high, super-duper high, so high that it hit something.. but what? I’m sure you know the answer.. it hit Flop-Flip!
thx and bye
July 1st, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Hear about the man who locked his keys in the car? He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.
July 4th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
there are some funny jokes but heres 1
A blond walks into an applince store and says to the store cleark id like to buy that tv pleas the store cleark says sorry we dont do buissness wit blonds the blond stormes off and dies her hair black and comes back and asks to buy the tv the store cleark once again says sorry we dont do buissness wit blonds the blond says how did u no i was a blond ha reples thats not a tv its a micorwace]
lol
July 6th, 2009 at 11:48 am
what cheese is not yours
nacho cheese
July 6th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
lol
July 7th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Why does everyone think blondes are stupid? I hate people who say those jokes, they are the lowest form of humor! Those jokes are funny but not many of the comments are. I have nothing more to say…
July 9th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
this site sucks the jokes arn’t funny at all.
July 11th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
July 11th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
why did the chicken cross the road?
because the roster farted
July 12th, 2009 at 4:05 am
here is a funny joke
A 70-year-old man went to the doctor’s for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, “Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?” And the man answered, “Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he’s so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.”
The Doctor was astonished. He called the man’s wife and said, “I’d like to speak to you about your husband’s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?”
And she said, “That idiot, he’s been peeing in the refrigerator!”
now thats a funny one
July 16th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Seriously, people, you need to stop with the blonde jokes. They’re not funny at all, and quite offensive. Shut it.
July 17th, 2009 at 1:08 am
What is brown and sticky?
A stick
July 17th, 2009 at 1:09 am
Why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle!
July 17th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Little Johnny had a problem with gambling, and it was really getting on his dad’s nerves. So the dad decided to do something about it.
On Johnny’s first day of school, his dad told his teacher to try to rid Johnny of his gambling problem. So when Johnny went up to her and bet her $5 that she had a mole on her butt, the teacher proved him wrong and took $5 from him.
Later that night, the teacher called Johnny’s dad and said, “I think I got rid of Johnny’s gambling habit. I bet him $5 that I had a mole on my butt, and I didn’t, so he lost the bet.”
“Not exactly,” Johnny’s dad said. “This morning, I bet Johnny $200 that he would see his teacher’s butt by the end of the day.”
July 22nd, 2009 at 1:04 pm
i think u all out there who keep saying the jokes are bad are big stupid FREAKS
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:30 am
404th!
July 24th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
a blonde went to the docter and said “doctor doctor ive broken every bone in my body!” so she poked herself in the leg and screamed “owww!’ then she poked herself in the legs and screamed
“oww!” so the docter took x rays and came back a few minutes later
and said “i have good news and bad news… the good news is you havn’t broken every bone in your body…the bad news is…youve broken yur finger.
July 25th, 2009 at 2:03 am
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven is an odd number
July 25th, 2009 at 5:00 am
Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
“I think they could be bird tracks.”
The second blonde went to look and said,
“No, I think these are deer tracks.”
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
July 25th, 2009 at 5:02 am
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
“I can’t take this, you’re my friend.”
But the blonde insisted saying,
“No. A bet’s a bet.”
Then the redhead said
“Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”
The blonde replied
“Well, so did I, but I didn’t think he would jump again!”
,no offence to blondes
July 25th, 2009 at 6:33 am
A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternooon. Unfortunately the builder wasn’t very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout ‘Shit, missed’.
The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. “Don’t swear like that” he told his friend, “or God will punish you”. The builder apologised and the game continued.
As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted “Shit, missed.” and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.
The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said “I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!”
Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out “Shit, missed”. Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.
Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, “Shit, missed!”
July 25th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
you ever heard the story about the worlds biggest dog? if you havent then you must read on!
OK so
theres a man from New Zealand and hes in the pub when he hears a somebody mention “the worlds biggest dog”. this gets his attention so he scans the room to find the man who was speaking. he spots a short little man in the corner of the room. he has an irish accent and a huuuuge scar running from the top of his foread to the corner of his mouth.
the man quickly walks over as he is curious to hear about this so called “worlds biggest dog” he sits next to little irish fellow and says
“so.. did i just hear you mention ‘the worlds biggest dog’?”
the little irish man looks at him from the corner of his eye and says
“yes. you did hear me mention “the worlds biggest dog”
and so thei irish man tells the NZ’er all about his adventure to find “the worlds biggest dog”
it just so happens that “the worlds biggest dog” is located in northern Istanbul and the irish man has a small plane that can get them there in a matter of hours but they have to leave right now.
so the man agrees and on the way to the plane he stops in at home to tell his wife abpout his journey and explain why he will be gone for a few hours.
rougly 45 minutes after that the plane is soaring over the ocean on its way to istanbul. it is a very rickety plane but it is covered in photos of dogs and other house hold pets.
the irish man is explaining to him how secret the mission is, that “the worlds biggest dog” is somewhat of a tabboo in northern Istanbul and must not be spoken of. he also explains that it is a perilous journey and one should not even THINK about going alone. it is at this second that the plane dies and starts rocketing towards the ocean! they crash with horrendous force into the sea and water quickely fills the plane. The new zealander man escapes but he does not see the irish man surface. alas, his guide is dead.
the man swims to shore and sees a young Arab boy with a sign witch says in big lettering ISTANBUL so the man knows this is the right place. but unfortunately he is stuck with no guide, no directions to “the worlds biggest dog” and no way home. so he sets out for the local pub in the hopes he will find somebody who knows about “the worlds biggest dog”.
After many minutes he stumbles upon a pub tittled “the big dog inn”
“this looks promising” he thinks to himself and he walks rright on in that pub and sets himself down at the bar and orders a lime water with a hint of blue berry. it takes him a good while to work up the courage to ask about “the worlds biggest dog” especialy since he knows of its taboo in these lands but he sucks it up and promptly says to the bar man
*cough*”uh excuse me. erm this is quite hard to say. but.. you erm” he looks around nervously and lowers his voice
“you wouldnt happen to know anything about “the worlds biggest dog” would you?”
the bar man smiles and leans back
“why sir. it just so happens that “the worlds biggest dog” is just over that hill over there!”
so the NZ’er excitedly thanks the man and sets on his way.
he must have been walking for almost 10 hours when he comes across a dog. it is relatively small however and he is sure this musnt be “the worlds biggest dog” because it was only just past his ankles, never the less he must ask.
so he kneels down and says the dog
“uhh. are you the worlds biggest dog”
“WHAT?! what did yyou say” the dog sputters
“um are you the worlds biggest dog?” the man says
“ohh no no no. no no. no im not” says the dog
“no the worlds biggest dog is just over that hill there” he says
so the man sets on over the hill to continue his search. hes walking for about 3 hours when he comes across another dog. he is sure this one cant be “th worlds biggest dog” but, never the less he must ask
“are you the worlds biggest dog” he says
“nah im not mate” answers the dog “hes just over that hill over there” and points with his tail.
so the man sets on his way. hes walking for what felt like days when he comes across a mighty dog. it is about the size of a horse and is the most amazingly beautiful thing he has ever seen. he runs excitedly up to the dog and says
“you must be the worlds biggest dog! look at you your amazing” he exclaims
“no. no im not the worlds biggest dog. hes just over that hill over there”
disapointed but still ditermined the man continues on his way. he is only walking for around 30 minutes when he comes across a huge dog. around the size of a house, with ears that reach all the way to the ground.
“you have got to be the worlds biggest dog” the man says
“nah im not hes just over there” and the dog points to a huge mount range
the man growns and says “ohhhh i’ll never mmake it over there. i’ll die and i will never find “the worlds biggest dog”
the dog says “oh gee if it means that much to you i’ll make you a mountain jacket out of my fur it is warmer than the warmest wool and sturdier than any steel yet it breathes like egyptian cotton.
the man says “yea alright why not”
after 4 months the jacket is ready. the man puts it on and sets out for the mountain. it takes him almost one whole year to climb the mountain range. when he reaches the top he can see as far as the horizon lets him . it is a wonderous view yet he cant see and dogs. but still he continues untill suddenly he finds a ginormous dog. ridiculously huge a dog that is almost as tall as a sky scrapper. the man needs a mega phone to talk to him
he yells “EXCUSE ME!! ARE YOU “THE WORLDS BIGGEST DOG”?!!!”
dog shuffles then his huge head comes screaming down towards him
“n-n-n-n-no i-i-im no-not” he stutters
“t-t-thats the w-w-w-or-worlds biggest d-d-ddog over there”
so man continuse untill he coes to a huge brown wall. although he is very confused because it seems to be very warm and soft and smells alive. h rans as far as he can in each direction to find a way around this strange strange wall. but to no prevail. suddenly he clicks. this MUST be the foot of “the worlds biggest dog”! it just has to be. he looks up and sees it streetching miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles into the sky. he removes his jacket and starts to climb. he is climbing for days before he reaches the top. it is like a huge brown field. nhe notices lots of huge black animals about the size of a horse bouncing around the place and thinks these have got to be fleas. he aproches one of the fleas and says
“sir and you living on the back of the worlds biggest dog?” the flea looks and him and says
“i have no idea what you are talking about”
so the man continues on head upward in the hopes of reaching the dogs head. he is walking for many weeks before he comes to the edge on the field. there is a small slope witch heads right down o a drop off. he cant even see the ground he is so high up. he realises this must be the dogs nose. so he climbs down and all the way around the Humongous flap witch is the dogs ear. he nestles himself right in the and wispers to the dog
“are you the biggest dog in the world”
there is a small pause
“yes.. i am the biggest dog in the world”
July 26th, 2009 at 1:23 am
dude these are funny. i told one to my boyfriend and he couldnt stop laughing and he called his mom and told it to her. and i was bursting in laughter after his mom started laughinggg. !
July 28th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Everyone seems to be re-hashing the same lame jokes. Here’s my second attempt at a funny one on this site, it’s one I heard yesterday and everyone who hears it laughs.
So a fleeing Taliban rebel, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neck ties.
The Taliban asked, ‘Do you have water?’
The Jewish man replied, ‘I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $50.’
The Taliban shouted, ‘Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you right on the spot, but I must find water first!’
‘OK.’ said the old Jewish man, ‘It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.’
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
‘Your f***ing brother won’t let me in without a tie!’
July 29th, 2009 at 5:28 am
the jokes you see are not funny,they stupid!!!
July 29th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
I worked with kids, guarantee I have a funnier joke for little ones.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Drip-eep.
It’s fool proof. Works with anything. Smell-eep, stink-eep.
July 29th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
wow penus is dumb clearly he is 405!! haha cant even read the number next to the guy above him
August 1st, 2009 at 11:37 pm
that dog story is soooo stupid
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:50 pm
hope you enjoyed those and yes i have a semi morbid sense of humor but still they were just to entertain, btw this is the wworst joke ive ever heard made by my friend zack, wann hear two short jokes and a long joke? joke joke joooooooooooke :P
August 5th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
A man and his younger girlfriend were sitting in the urologist office and the nurse calls him back.
They meet with the Doctor and he asks what the problem is.
“Well, I really like this young lady here but I’m afraid my equipment is just not up to satisifying her. Can you do anything to help?”
The Doc replies, “We do have a new proceedure that we can try but it is still in the experimental stages. I can graft a baby elephants trunk to you that will replace what you were born with.”
The girl then said, “Oh God yes. You have to get that!”
After the surgery and recovery, the man is able to satisfy his young lover better than she could have ever dreamed. They decide to get married.
One night, they are having dinner with the girl’s parents to celebrate the engagement. Just after they are seated, the elephant trunk darts across the table, grabs a baked potato and disapears back under the table.
Shocked by what just happened, the girl’s father looked at his future son-in-law and said, “Do that again.”
The man replied, ” Well Sir, I would but I don’t I take another hot potato up my butt.”
August 7th, 2009 at 4:32 am
knock knock! whos there runnep runnepwho? HAAAA!! my crush told me taht one.
August 9th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
well guys I have a joke I am not sure it is funny but I would like to share it.
once upon a time there was a competition on who is going to write the longest english book
3 people entered the competition (American-British-Canadian)
The American wrote 700 pages
The British wrote 900 Pages
The Canadian wrote 1500 pages
they told every one to read his book
The American Said (once upon a time…….) and completed his story
The British did the same
The Canadian said the 1st sentence in the first “A man rode a horse” the last sentence in the last page “a man got of his horse” and the 1499 pages are “DERGN DERGN DERGN” (THE HORSE’S SOUND WHILE MOVING)
LOL
August 10th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
YOU THINK THATS FUNNY READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!:
Blonde Riding a Horse
One day this blonde is riding a horse. As they are trotting along the blond decides she wants to go faster and do some tricks so she starts turning the horse around in a circle. All of a sudden she starts to slip so she grabs the horses mane. But even though she has hold of the mane she was still slipping. so she decided the best thing to do was to not fall off by putting her foot in the saddle. So she’s riding along hanging from her foot, with her head banging on the ground, almost near death when the K Mart guy comes over and turns of the horse.!!!!:):):)
August 10th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
THIS IS HALARIOUS YOU HAVE TO GO TO THIS WEBSITE!!
August 15th, 2009 at 12:11 am
try this… A bear and a rabbit are in a forest when a Genie pops up. The Genie says, “you both will have 3 wishes and i will grant them no matter what.” The bear wished that all of the bears in the forest were girl bears. The rabbit wished for a motorcycle. The bear wished for all the girls in the nation to be girl bears. The rabbit wished for a helmet. The bear wished for all the bears in the world to be girl bears… and the rabbit simply said, “I wish this bear was gay.”
August 16th, 2009 at 5:15 am
lol the 1st one “ok now what?”
August 17th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
The “I’m drowning you moron” joke made me laugh
August 18th, 2009 at 8:47 am
I Have never heard anything so rubbish even Harry Enfield’s jokes were funnier than this rubbish
August 20th, 2009 at 11:19 am
this comment will never get read :(
August 20th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
a couple of female deer staggered from a clearing in the woods, disheveled and bewildered. one said to the other, “I’ll never do THAT again for 3 bucks.”
August 21st, 2009 at 8:48 pm
they where not funny at all
August 22nd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Ok addmittedly some of these jokes are so rubbish lol
heres my contribution, hope y’all like it,
if not then you can go to hell (:
ok so a guy comes home from work and finds his wife outside the house with all her bags packed and ready to go, with a taxi waiting.
he asks whats going on and she replies:
“ted im leaving you! ive just found out that i can get $400 a night in las vegas for doing what i do for you for free!”
so the guys says “wait a minute” runs in the house and comes back ten minutes later with his pags backed also.
and then laughing he says ” i cant wait to see how youre going to live on $800 a year!”
August 22nd, 2009 at 6:34 pm
how’d you make golden soup???
…
…
…
……24 karots teheheheheh
September 1st, 2009 at 9:35 am
wow these jokes are so stupid i actually killed myself by jumping off a 100 story building.
LOL see thats a joke lets see how many people understand it
September 3rd, 2009 at 5:38 am
hey ricky is okay i red ur comment… i jus skip da borin midel bit!oi dobedo ur joke is soooo not funy. i got 1 ere it is…
a dog went into a telegrm office, tuk out a blnk form an’ wrote “woof woof woof, woof woof woof,woof woof woof.” the clerk xamned the paper and said to da dog “there ar only nine words ere, u cud ‘ave anuva woof for da same price”.
“but that wud make no sense at all!”. replied da dog! lolage!!!! i find it funy anyways!
September 3rd, 2009 at 5:51 am
if a blonde and a brunette were to jump off a cliff, who would die first?…..the brunette cause the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions!
September 3rd, 2009 at 5:57 am
woman 1: “my husband keeps a photo of me in his wallet and the other day it saved him from a thug.”
woman 2: “of course it did – your face would stop anything!”
not as good as some of the other jokes, but i like it! ;-)
September 4th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
a cop has a sniper a pirate has a cannon and an indian has a bow and they are seeing whose ammo goes farther so the cop shoots his sniper and goes so see he accidently shot someone in the leg and helps that person to a hospital the indian shoots his bow and goes to see he shot someone in the hand and helps them to a hospital the pirate shoots his cannon and goes to see a boy laughing so hard tears were coming out and the pirates asks why he is laughing so hard and the boy says” i just farted and my house blew up!
September 7th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Lol at the duck one, And im not even from belgium.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Great jokes people – keep em coming :)
A guy phones home from work on his lunch break, and a strange woman picks up the phone. “who’s this?” he asks the woman. “I’m the maid of the house” she relplies. “I don’t have a maid!”. “Well I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house” she says.
“I see, and where is the lady of the house?” asks the man angrily. “She’s in the bedroom upstairs with her husband” answers the maid. Now the man is furrious “I’M HER DAMN HUSBAND” he yells angrily. “How would you like to make a quick $50,000?” he asks the maid. “sure, what would I have to do?” Controlling his rage, he instructs her, “go to my dresser drawer, take my gun out, and shoot that cheating witch and the guy she’s sleeping with!!”
The phone goes quiet for a minute, and eventually 2 gun shots ring out, and the maid comes back on the line. “what do I do with the bodies?” she asks. “go throw them in the pool” replies the man. “but you don’t have a pool” the maid says. There is a long pause and the man asks “is this (905)890-5508?” …..
:)
September 8th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
An older married couple are waiting at a hotel lobby in LasVegas, getting ready to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary, when a provocatively-dressed woman approches the man. “hi there stranger, my name is Bambi, welcome to the Belagio Hotel” she purrs in a sexy voice. “Get out of my face you wench” yells the man, and the woman slinks away. “That wasn’t very nice” says the man’s wife; she was very polite, and you were very rude to her!” The man exclaims “That woman is a prostitute!” but his wife doesn’t believe him, no matter how hard he tries to convince her. Finally, he comes up with a plan. He tells his wife to go hide in the bathroom of their suit with the door ajar so that she can hear any conversation in the room. He then calls down to the front desk, and asks for Bambi to be sent to his room. A few minutes later, there’s a knock on the door, and Bambi comes in. “Hello Bambi, so how much do you charge for your services?” he asks her. “$200 per hour” she replies. “$200 per hour?!” The man looks shocked – “I was willing to go as high as $25 for the entire night” he sputters out in mock disbelief. “Well, you’re not going to get anything for that kind of money sir” she mutters. “Too bad” he replies “because that’s all I’m willng to offer you”. So with an angry scowl, she turns around and leaves the hotel room without another word. The wife comes out of the bathroom, and the two of them have a good laugh together, the husband had proved his point, and with that they retired for the night. The next morning, the husband and wife are enjoying their free continental breakfast down in the lobby of the hotel, when Bambi spots him. She walks over, puts her arm around the man’s shoulders, glances at the man’s wife, and then back at the husband and calmly says “you see what you get for $25 per night?”
LMAO now THAT’S funny stuff :)
September 8th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
One more ’cause I’m bored :)
At a big opera performance on Broadway, at the last minute, the conductor falls ill. The performance is about to be cancelled, but somehow the producers manage to find a substitute conductor to fill in. All night he keeps making mistakes, and the music sounds horrible. People in the audience start booing and heckling him, and he just keeps on conducting the orchestra, although his performance gets worse and worse and worse. He is obviously angry with the audience for booing him. Finally he can’t take it any more – he lunges at the closest audience member and stabs him with the conductor’s sticks. The man dies in hospital later that night. With hundreds of witnesses, it’s a short trial; the conductor is sentenced to death for murder. The big day comes, and he’s strapped into the chair, a priest says a prayer for him, and then the switch is pulled, and 100,000 volts is pumped into his body. But he just sits there smiling, and afer several minutes, the man is still alive, so the power is turned off, and he is allowed to go free to the astonishment of everyone there. A news reporter approaches him, and asks “How were you able to survive all that electricity for so long?” To which the man responds “it should be pretty obvious by now….I’m a bad conductor”
September 13th, 2009 at 11:09 am
NOT 1 of these jokes are even half funny
September 14th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
If you don’t like the jokes than don’t come on the wedstie eny more thats over 300 coments most complaning that they dont like the website and how much thay dont thinke hate the jokes how thar not funny…
September 16th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
I can do a better joke then all of you put together!
September 16th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
This is the joke:
At a zoo, there was a kangaroo that could escape his enclosure every night. Then, one day, the zoo keepers built a 20m fence so he couldn’t escape the enclosure. The next day, the zoo keepers found the kangaroo wandering the grounds. During that same day, the zoo keepers built a 50m fence, but he got out again. During the next day, while the zoo keepers were building a 100m fence, the Camel in the next enclosure asked him “How high do you think they’ll build a fence to stop you from jumping over?” “They can build a 1’000’000’000m fence if they have to,” replied the kangaroo, “but, if they leave the enclosure door open every night, I’ll keep getting out!
September 17th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
G20 protesters in London have completely vandalised a Police station, even destroying the toilet facilities.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
How do you turn a duck into a 70’s soul singer?
Put him in a microwave until his Bill Withers.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Making my way home via a shortcut the other night, I noticed 2 Lady GaGa concert tickets nailed to a tree.
Giving a cautious glance in all directions, and as quick as a flash:
I stole the nails.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Heard about the midget psychic that robbed fort knox?
Police say theres a small medium at large.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
What do you call a woman after 3 minutes?
A cab..
September 17th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Why are all Egyptian ferry captains given psychological evaluations every 6 months ?
Most of them are in denial.
September 17th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
12 out of every 8 people have basic numeracy problems.
September 17th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
I AM BILL GATES OF BORG. LOWER YOUR SHIELDS AND PREPARE TO BE BOA(Error: General protection fault in module ‘BORG.EXE’)
September 17th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Why are women like clouds ?
Eventually they go away and its a nice day.
September 17th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Whats the difference between a savings account and a musician ?
One eventually matures and begins to make money.
September 17th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Making my way home via a shortcut the other night, I noticed 2 Lady GaGa concert tickets nailed to a tree.
Giving a cautious glance in all directions, and as quick as a flash:
I stole the nails…
September 17th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
20 British servicemen were killed yesterday as their Armoured vehicle collided with a tree in Northern Ireland.
The IRA say they planted the tree.
September 19th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
~ They say people with blonde hair are stupid. Good thing my hair is yellow =)
lmao.
September 20th, 2009 at 12:19 am
i hardly laughed. nor did i give a smile. its boringgg
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:40 pm
this jokes are not funny at allll 2yura
September 23rd, 2009 at 5:50 pm
You wanna here a joke????
This website and all the lame jokes on it….
September 25th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
what do you call a a gost favorite sport Casket ball
September 25th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
dont mock my lovely joke
September 25th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
some of these are pretty funny..so hop off his nuts
September 29th, 2009 at 5:23 am
the pea song wal totally cool and i wish you will send more like this
September 29th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
A stupid guy dies and is awaiting approval from the gatekeeper of heaven to enter. The gatekeeper says you can only enter if you pass a quiz. The stupid guy agrees. The gatekeeper asks the stupid guy how many days of the week start with the letter t. The stupid guy says thats easy today and tomorrow. The gatekeeper says ok ill give it to you he then asks the stupid guy what is gods first name? The stupid guy says “Howard.” The gatekeeper asks “how in the world did u get Howard? The stupid guy says from the prayer… “Our father which art in heaven, Howard be thy name.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:58 am
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A SPACEMAN?
A: YOU PARK A CAR IN IT-MAN!
October 1st, 2009 at 12:03 pm
A MAN GOES TO HIS LOCAL ZOO AND IS DISAPPOINTED TO SEE ONLY ONE DOG THERE.
IT WAS A SHITZU.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:09 pm
One Brazilian, one American, and one British are aboard a plane.
“We’re flying over New York City!” said the American.
“How do you know that?” asked the British and the Brazilian.
“I just saw the Statue of Liberty”.
Hours later…
“We’re flying over good old London” shouts the British man.
“How do you know that?” asked the American and the Brazilian.
“Just saw Big Ben”.
Hours later…
“We’re flying over Brazil!”
“How do you know that?” asked the American and the British.
“My wallet was just stolen”
October 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm
One Irishman, one Englishman and one Scotsman are being chased by the police.
They all quickly climb up a tree each to hide from the police.
The police reach the first tree and one officer shouts:
“Anyone up there!?”
“tweet tweet tweet” said the Englishman, pretending to be a bird.
The police move on, thinking it really was a bird.
The police reach the second tree and one officer shouts:
“Anyone up there!?”
“uuh uuh uuuh” said the Scotsman, pretending to be a monkey.
The police move on, thinking it really was a monkey.
The police reach the third tree and one officer shouts:
“Anyone up there!?”
and the Irishman goes “Moooo!”
October 1st, 2009 at 12:21 pm
The Turkey And The Bull
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh1t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Q: What do you get when you cross a bulldog and a shitzu?
A: (oh come on…. its easy, think!)
October 5th, 2009 at 5:47 am
the only one i know laughed at those jokes, is a drunk dude,
all personnel are kindly requested to evacuate the website immediately,
remaining visitors are to be considered casualties and missing in action,
no make up money will be paied…
October 6th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I thought Canada’s joke was hilarious about the pen and the russian pencil. I showed it to all my school friends and thy laughed. Thank you for giving me something to do during 7th bell. Keep rockin.
October 6th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I LOVED CANADA’S JOKE ABOUT THE PENCIL…HILARIOUS. I SHOWED IT TO ALL MY BUDS AT SCHOOL THEY ALL LAUGHED. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME SOMETHING TO DO AT 7TH BELL. KEEP ROCKING AND BRING ON MORE JOKES. SINCERELY I LOL.
October 6th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and
began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does.”
————————————————————————————-
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”
The Teacher fainted.
————————————————————————————-
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
————————————————————————————————
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…
Looking for man with these qualifications:
- won’t beat me up
- won’t run away from
- is great in bed.
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”
So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”
Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?”
———————————————————————————–
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus.”
————————————————————————————
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
—————————————————————————————-
A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl’s life.
The girl’s mother rushes over to him: “Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl”
“But I’m not a New Yorker,” the man says.
“Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl,” says the mother.
“But I’m not an American,” the man says.
“What are you then?” asks the mother.
“I’m an Iranian,” the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extremist Kills American Dog.
——————————————————————————————-
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
October 7th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
wtf iz eckzackry.. i thaught the tent one was pretty damn funny.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Hahahahah! look at me WHOCARES I’m only 12 and am already being sucked into the metaphorical vortex of doom and virtual conversation and treacharous misleading websites! But guess what? I have more rite than you to browse the world wide web! For I am INCREDIBLY INTELLIGENT GIRL and I finished my homework ON THE BUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who’s the poor, introverted individual who spends her free time reading 470 commments on a shoddily made joke site? Hmm? Who’s wasting time NOW? Bwahahaha… stay classy, America.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
None of these jokes were funny, except the Canadian joke. The jokes from the users were funnier. I was looking for a funny joke when I came to this website.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
A bear and a rabbit were pooping in the woods when the bear asks the rabbit, “Do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?” The rabbit said “No, not at all.” So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:56 am
i loved all the jokes up there, those who didnt like them are stupid and should get a better sense of humer!! here is a joke- Chuck Noris got a heart attack- his heart lost
October 10th, 2009 at 9:59 am
sean your joke is not at all funny and i agree w/ bob
October 14th, 2009 at 3:18 am
These jokes are boring…..
listen to this one :
There was a man taht walked out of the hospital with a black eye and broken arm
a guy saw him asked what happened?
he said the other day me and my wife went golfing and she hit her ball far away and we were looking for it.I saw it in the horses butt and i called her and she came
I said that looks like yours
and that is why I am standing here now.
hahahahahahaha LOL
October 14th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Who was the first sick-o to look at a cow and say “hmmm, I think i´l squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out”?
October 15th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Vasem – some good jokes there, way to go!! Kevin….what the *>*&_+/??? seriously those are not funny dude, what are you smoking? Jokes are something that you hear, you laugh and you want to tell to someone else, not a one-liner that you wish you hadn’t wasted your time reading…..work on your sense of humour because the way it is now – it sucks!!!
PS a good sense of humour goes a long way with women *hint* *hint*
October 18th, 2009 at 3:51 am
Two muffins are cooking in the microwave. The one muffin say s to the other ” Wow, its getting hot in here hey???” The other one suddenly starts screaming ” AAAAAAAH !! A talking muffin!!!!”
October 20th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field……
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:15 am
these jokes are funny but not the funniest jokes ever…. check this out…
teacher: y did u laugh?
boy: i saw a srap of ur bra.
teacher: get out of the class 4 a week
(2nd boy laugh)
teacher: y did u laugh?
2nd boy: i saw both straps of ur bra
teacher: get out for a month
she bends down to pick a chalk, little jonny started walking out,
teacher: jonny where r u going?
jonny: wat i saw i think my SCHOOL DAYS ARE OVER!!
October 23rd, 2009 at 2:45 pm
ok sorry all guys but this is lol: a guy went to the hospital for brain surgery. the doctor said “Womens brains are 100 dollars and the mens are 2000.” The guy asked why and the doctor said that the womens brains were already used.
October 25th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Belgium joke was pretty good. The rest just plain suck.
October 26th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
ok,only the 2nd one was funni.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:20 am
The one about the pen and pencil actually happened…
–
Did you hear the machine that converts urine to water has stopped working?
Imagine being the guy who figured that out.
–
How many Amish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
–
What does Helen Kellor call the closet?
Disney world.
Where does her parents send her when company is over?
Disney world.
October 27th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tense
—————————————–
What time is cowboy time?
9:50, 10 to 10,
—————————————–
whta do u call a bear with no shoes?
Bare foot
October 29th, 2009 at 4:33 am
greatest jokes EVER!
October 29th, 2009 at 4:35 am
Did you hear the joke about the skunk. It stinks
October 30th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
love theses joke the 10inch bic 1 was awsome i have some jokes 4 u people
A blonde speeding in a sports car is pulled over the police said ‘may i see your licence’
she replied ‘OMG yesterday you take it away from me and now you expext me 2 show you it!
October 30th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
i got a joke for you, well it’s not a jjoke but it’s a trick question.
pick one number from 90-98
1. use that number times 2
2. divide that number by 3
3. add 500 to that number
4. minus 128 in that number.
5. is ur number 350? see im a magician.
TBH Happy halloween, sorry i thoguht it was april fools so i made up that question.
October 31st, 2009 at 4:04 am
Yes! My joke about burning ducks made it to the top! yes!
November 1st, 2009 at 4:24 am
I was in a traffic jam on the way into London and it wasnt even moving. A man was walkinng in and out of the cars talking to everyone so I put my window down. “whats going on?” I said. He said” terrorists have gordon brown hpstage up ahead. Theyre threatening to pour as much petrol as they can find all over him and set him alight unless they get £1000000 immediately so im going round and getting a collection.”
“how much is everyone giving?” I asked. “about a gallon” he replied
November 1st, 2009 at 8:14 pm
jeez these jokes are funny but none of my bros get them, i guess u hav to b smart or somfin. enough with the dumb blonde jokes too im blond
November 1st, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Yeah umm my mom would always say that exzachary joke! so u never made it up! and none of the jokes are funny at all! except the midget one, that was funny! but anyway yeah so try harder next time!
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Some pretty funny jokes there… This is my personal favourite joke, simular to 1 i already read here tho… A lady looks into the mirror and turns to her husband and says “i look terrible fat and and ugly, give me a compliment to make me feel better” so the husband says “well ur eyesight is spot on”
November 4th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
this is a good joke:
there are a priest, a general, and a millionaire on a plane going somewhere. Their pilot suddenly tells them that they have to much load so they must each drop what they brought with them. the priest drops a bible, general drops a c4 package, and the millionaire, well he drops millions. they then crash who knows where and spot three kids. one is sad, one is happy, and one is laughing. they go to the sad one and ask y r u sad? he says “i was praying and god dropped a bible on my head” then they go up to the happy one and ask y r u happy. he says “i used to be poor and now i hav millions!”. lastly, they go up to the laughing one and ask y he is laughing. he says “i farted, turned around, and my house blew up”. the end.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
why do you guys have to be so mean on other countries and so nasty? Including, the way you guys are mean to each other?!
November 5th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
I agree with princess!! :)
November 5th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Why do you guys have to be so mean on other countries, and so nasty with your jokes?! Including the way you guys are mean to each other. Besides, all of your guys’ jokes aren’t even the best I’v heard.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
I like Tyler’s Blonde joke!
November 5th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
if u want to become a sensation like me yall gotta study!
ha hahaha aha haa haha ha hahaha hahah ahha ahhaha hah
its just me, smart boy– i am smart i have got a 10.5 GPA
hahahahahahah fooled you AGAIN!!!!! iv only gota 3.7
November 5th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
you guys are all dumb all 493 of u instead of laughing your heads off at the funniest jokes and the random ones posted u should all be studying so u could become hardy people with big craniums
November 7th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
there were two muffins in an oven and the first muffin said man its hot in here and the second muffin yells aaahhhhhhhhhhhh talkin muffin lol funny i know
November 7th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
the monks of shonova can only speak two words every ten years so one monk joins and after the first ten years the monk says bed hard ten years later he says food gross tens years later he says i quit and the head monk replies finally uve been complainin ever since u goy here
November 11th, 2009 at 5:37 am
chuck norris wanted to create a beverage so he urinated into a can ….. this beverage is now known as red bull
November 11th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
these jokes suck
November 11th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
all of them
November 12th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Who was the first person to die at the Battle of the Little Bighorn?
“Will”.
General Custer said “fire at will”.
November 13th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
THIS PAGE SUCKS!!!!
November 14th, 2009 at 12:56 am
ok here is my joke tell me if you like it
so a married couple is sleeping and they wake up to find out they have been robbed. so the husband goes to a gun store nd says “got anything special?”
“well,we have this thing called a magic bullet.”
“whats that?”
“well, let me show you”
so the man gets out the bullet and says “magic bullet my door” and the bullet shoots the door.
“so wait?”says the husband “all i have to do is say magic bullet my and the name of the object?”
“yes”
so the husband bought it and tried it out at home
“magic bullet my lamp” hits the lamp
“magic bullet my window” hits the window
“magic bullet my…………. neighbors window!” and the bullet shot the neighbors window. the neighbor saw what happened and went to the husbands house
“what the hell did you do that for?” he screamed
“wait i can explain!”
“then explain!”
“well,”said the husband”we just got robbed and we needed good protection, so we got this thing called a magic bullet and-”
“wha- yeah right! magic bullet my ass!”
did you like it?
November 14th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
These are okay jokes. I happen to be 13, and I understand all of the jokes but found them mildly amusing. I heard the pencil one before, and I almost peed laughing when I first heard it, but unfortunately the second time you hear a joke, it’s not as funny. Here’s a joke I found extremely funny:
A nun and priest went golfing. On the first hole the priest misses the hole by a long shot. he cries out,
“Damn it I missed.”
“Don’t swear, the Lord will punish you.” The nun tells him.
They get to around the 10th hole. The priest misses the hole every time he tried to get it in. He yells out,
“Damn it! I keep on missing.”
“Don’t swear, the Lord will punish you.” The nun told him.
Then there was a bolt of lightning, and it struck the nun and killed her. A voice boomed from the clouds,
“Damn it, I missed!”
FUNNIEST JOKE EVER!!! There was supposed to be a third miss, but I got tired of typing XP
November 15th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
what did the fish say when he ran into a cement wall
damn!
November 16th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
510….WTF???