#1 No armed car?
#2 That would be in my other dress
#1. we can’t have pizza and beer! #2. it’s lite and she’s gonna throw it up anyway!
#1: Miss Morningside, every operation is bound to have its screw-ups.
#2: As I can see, ours is still with us.
‘How do you feel about gun control’? Favourable.
(1)Hey! Hey! I got it. I haven’t done it since High School, but maybe..(2)You are *not* having sex on that stage!(1)Uhh, I didn’t know that was an option, all right? For this thing, all I need is room service.
(Eric) She’s doing a paper on Law Enforcement.I’m giving her an inside look. (Grace): and I bet she’ll do the same for you.
(Eric)Ok Gracie, operation thong has commenced…(Gracie)Why don’t you stun gun yourself.
(Grace)Look,he had a gun. (Cathy)This is Texas. Everyone has a gun! My florist has a gun! (Stan) I don’t have a gun…my ancestors were quakers.
(Gracie rips all of her guns, etc. out of her dress)
Vic: What, no armored car?
Gracie: That would be in my *other* dress.
(Miss Morningside): New jersey, as you may know there are many who consider miss United States pageant to be outdated and antifeminist. What would you say to them?
(Grace): Well, I would have to say I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realised that these women are smart… terrific people who were just trying to make a difference in the world. And we’ve become really good friends. I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other will trip and… and fall on her face, but… wait a minute I ‘ve partly done that. (Public laughs) And for me this experience’s been one of the most rewarding… and liberating experiences of my life. (Applause) (Vic): My god, I did it!!! (Grace): And if anyone… anyone tries to hurt one of my new friends I would take them out, I would make them suffer so much, that they’d wish they were never born. And if they ran I would hunt them down. (Silence, whisper) Thank you , Kathy. (Vic): A brief , shining moment and then that mouth!
(Stan):I’m sorry….What was the question? I was distracted by the half massacated cow rolling around in your wide open trap! (Grace): Excuse me,what is your problem? (Stan): Problem? (Grace): Yeah, I mean yes……I mean, have I offended you in some way? Because quite honestly you’ve been completely antagonistic to me since the second I walked in that door. (Stan): Did you know that I was once the most sought up in Pageant history? (Grace): I had no idea!
*holding out a tube of Preparation H* Do you really think they are going to be looking that closely?
*you think im gorgeous, you wanna date me,love me and marry me!!!*
-What is your idea of a perfect date? * oo thats a hard one..um, i’d say April 25th, cuz its not too hot, not too cold, al you need is a light jacket.
1 Gracy Lou Freebush? 2 Yeah, I remember you liked that one. 1 Well, my IQ just dropped ten points.
1 Have you every commited a crime? 2 Yes, yes i have. One time i stole red underwear from the department store. my mother wouldn’t buy them for me. she said they were satin’s panties!
1) are you asking me out on a date?
2) no, just a casual dinner. if we happen to have sex afterwards, so be it.
1) Nice work Mr. Vik! 2) Thank you. 1) Wow! 2) My God. I’m good.
1) O finally, hairspray, something i actually recognize. O hey what the hell are you doing?? 2) It keeps the suit from riding up. 1) Riding up where? 2) Just….up!
1) Part of that job is using your brain Eric. Just take the rule book and throw it out the window. 2) I like knowing what I can and can’t do. I would like to keep my job for the next twenty or thirty years, thank you very much.
1) Rhode Island: descride your idea of a perfect date.
2) I’d have to say, April 25, it’s not too hot, and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket!
1) Sir, he’s turning purple — that is one really purple russian sir
1) The guy had a gun 2) This is Texas, everyone has a gun. Hell, even the florist has a gun!
1) What, no armored car? 2) That would be in my other dress.
1) You are NOT going to have sex on this stage!
2) Ah! I didn’t know that was an option!
1)Agent Matthews this woman has no talent! 2)Well jeez Vic, you don’t have to yell it out in front of her. 1) I was not told to equipped her with a talent and i’m certainly not equipped to do so in the next 5 hours! 2) Hey you doll her up by the morning or… 1)Or what cupcake? 2) Who you calling a cupcake? Fruitcake! 3)Hey, hey, hey! There’s something i know how to do, but i haven’t done it since high school. 1) You are not having sex on this stage! 3)Uh… I didn’t know that was an option. no for this all i have to do is call room service. *walks away* 1)Miss Hart… the donut. *gives the donut* and the other one. *gives other donut* *walks away* *dog barks* 3)Alright, alright alright. DONUT NAZIS!
1)HEY!!!! I’m gliding here!
2)What are you blind?!?!
1)now listen to me you old fruitcake! 2)now…now you cupcake!
1)Of course he had a gun. This is Texas. Everybody in Texas has a gun. My florist has a gun. 2)I don’t have a gun. My ancestors were Quakers.
1)OOOOOWWWWWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHOOOOWWW! 2)Bikini Wax… 3) Ohhh….
1)This woman has no talent! 2) Gee (1), you donâ€™t have to shout it out right in front of her.
1)What, no armoured car? 2)No, that would be in my other dress.
1)You have to glide, like this. 2)That takes a very secure man. EXCUSE ME I’M GLIDING HERE!
1-Are you crazy? We can’t have pizza and beer! 2-Do you know how many calories you’re talking about? 3-Ah, it’s lite beer and she’s gonna throw it up anyway…
1-Are you hungry? 2-Yeah. 1-Yes. 2-Yeah. 1-Yes. 2-Yeah. 1-It is always ‘yes’, never ‘yeah’.
1-Are you talking to me? 2-Yeah I’m talking to you, I’m looking at you!
1-Bumper. Commercial. Can we say lesbians? 2-You gotta problem with that?
1-Come on, look, you do a few butt-shaping exercises, tighten this up, you could pull this off. 2-You know what? Pull this off!
1-Describe your perfect date. 2-That’s a tough one. I’d hafta say April 25th…because it’s not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.
1-Do me a favour, would you please do back to the mothership? 2-As long as you go with me Tex-Ass! 1-Jerk!
1-Excuse me? What is your problem? 2-Problem? 1-Yeah. I mean, yes. I mean, have I offended you in some way? Because quite frankly you’ve been antagonistic to me from the second I walked in that door.
1-I know I’m gonna miss the heels ’cause they do something for my posture. And I’m suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts. 2-Funny, me too!
1-I would have to say, world peace. 2-Definitely, world peace. 3-That’s easy, world peace. 4-World peace.
1-I’d rather cancel the pageant then have one of them blown up. 2-Especially without their knowledge.
1-If you weren’t a girl, I’d beat your face off. 2-Yeah? Well if you weren’t a girl, I’d beat your face off! 1-Are you callin’ me a girl? 2-You called me one!
1-It’s all in the buttox. Don’t I look pretty? 2-It takes a very secure man to walk like that!
1-Just imagine she’s me and there’s something you wanna know but I don’t wanna talk about it. What would you do? 2-You want me to beat it out of her?
1-Look, just relax, all right. Don’t annoy him. Don’t say anything. Don’t argue. 2-I don’t argue. I never argue. When do I argue? I might have a heated discussion with somebody when I might get very passionate about what I say, but– 2-Is this you not arguing? ‘Cause you suck at it!
1-Miss Hart, you don’t understand. All I’m guilty of is trying to make the world a more beautiful place. Look at yourself. Why, when I met you, Dennis Rodman looked better in a dress. But, but now you’re a lady! I did that! 2-No, Vic did that, and a team of highly specialized federal manicurists, and people who make you look like, you know, beautiful!
1-Miss Morningside, every operation his bound to have its screw ups. 2-As I can see, she’s still with us.
1-Pageant identity. 2-Gracie Lou Freebush?! 1-Yeah, I remembered you liked that name! 2-Yeah well my IQ just dropped 10 points
1-Question: In Hawaii don’t you use ‘aloha’ for like hello and goodbye? 2-Soooo? 1-So if you’re on the phone with someone and they won’t stop talking how do you get them off because you say ok take care, ‘aloha’. Don’t they like start all over again?
1-Sir, aside please. Sir, it’s an emergency. Official business. Ma’am, aside, please. Thank you. Official business, sir, ma’am. Emergency please step aside sir. 2-Hey, hey, hey, get lost I’m waiting here. 1-FBI, you might wanna stay outta this, all right, sir. Excuse me. Sir, ma’am, please, back off. All right, I need…eight double-tall–eight double-tall lattes. One with no foam. Five ice vented decaf percent lattes with the long straw. Four caramel macchiattos. Double up on the cup, I gotta long way to go. I need two blueberry scones with the little granules on top…and one Starbucks complilation CD…NO! I would like…
1-So then what’s wrong with me? I date, I go on dates. I know everybody here thinks I haven’t had a date in about 10 years. Is that what you think? 2-Nah, I think you date. 1-Damn right I do. But you know, both times it was totally screwed up.
1-They steal my life, they steal my beauty pageant. 2-Hey, hey, it is not a beauty pageant, it is a scholarship program! 1-Yeah, yeah. 2-Yes!
1-Wait a minute. I’m not with him with him. It’s not like that. 2-Come on, muffin.
1-Well, here’s to…world peace! 2-…world…peace…
1-What is the one most important thing our society needs? 2-That would be harsher punishment for parole violaters, Stan…and…world peace…
1-What, no insults today? 2-You’re a Don Ho.
1-What? COme on, don’t look at me like I just betrayed you. 2-No. Betrayal implies an action. You just stood there!
1-Why are you picking your feet up? 2-Because I am preparing to run away!
1-You should tell jokes for your talent. What is your talent? 2- Um, it’s, ah, it’s kinda like, ah it’s you know, like ah, it’s like a surprise. Yeah, yeah, oh but don’t worry, it’s nothing embarassing. You know, not anything like, you know, baton twirling or anything. So, ah, what’s, what’s your talent?
1-You think I’m gorgeous…you want to kiss me…you want to hug me– 2-Look, I think McDonald is more feminine. I’d rather kiss him. 1-You love me…you want to hug me…you want to smooch me…you want to–
1-You think I’m gorgeous…you want to kiss me…you want to huge me– 2-Look, I think McDonald is more feminine. I’d ratehr kiss him. 1-You love me…you want to hug me…you want to smooch me…you want to–
1-You think you saved something tonight, but all you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over the country! 2-What, you think their dream is to get blown up? You know, you got a really good shot at that insanity plea.
1-You wanna know why I picked you? 2-Lost a bet? 1-Because you’re smart, because you don’t take any crap from people, you’re funny, you’re easy to talk to when you’re not armed.
1. Are you kidding? I was a female Rain Man! 2. Definitely not a female Rain Man. Def-definitely not.
1. Washington, nice apples. 2. Original did you come up with that all by yourself? 1. No!
1. You took your earpiece out, Vic needs you!
2. Eric, I haven’t slept in TWO days!
1. I’ll give you a cookie.
2. Better be a big one
1.)Don’t mess with the dress. Ahh. Ooh Vic is gunna kill you.
2.)What you look good wet
1.ah, ya got a little problem there.2.what she’s perfect.1. look to the left,down,down,down.2.on maternity leave, thats not gonna work.1. not inless it’s the MISS LAMOZ pageant!snort snort.
1.are u crazy? u can’t bring pizza and beer in here!
2.one.its light beer! and two, y? shes just gonna throw it up anyway!
1.Look, this may come as a shock to you, but I’ve never been in a beauty pageant before. I don’t even own a dress, I don’t even own a brush! 2. Now, which part of that was supposed to shock me?
1.Yeah yeah… 2. Yes!
1/ This girl has no talent 2/ Now wait a mintue there is something i can do but i just haven’t done it since highschool. 2/ YOU ARE NOT HAVING SEX ON THIS STAGE!
1/ This girl has no talent 2/ Now wait a mintue there is something i can do but i just haven’t dont it since highschool. 2/ OU ARE NOT HAVING SEX ON THIS STAGE!
1/ This girl has no talent 2/ Now wait a mintue there is something i can do but i just haven’t dont it since highschool. 2/ YOU ARE NOT HAVING SEX ON THIS STAGE!
1: what would you say would be your idea of an ideal date
2: hmm, that’s a toughie. . . i’d have to say april 15. not to hot, not too cold. all you need is a light jacket!
None of your damn business. Oh the judges probably never heard that before.
A brief shining moment, and then that mouth!
A sniveling, obsequious weasel of a human being.
Absolutely Miss Morningside. We’re here to protect the girls. Women. Scholarship ladies.
Agent Matthews! This woman has no talent!
Ah, no. I get these made special by the same guy that put the tatoo on my ass!
ahhhhh……. bikini wax
All right, hundred bucks on Matthews. 2-I dunno man, She’s got a lotta rage…I’ll take that bet.
And I have…Dirty Harriet!
And if anyone, anyone, tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much that they’d wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down…Thnak you Kathy.
and if anyone…anyone tries to hurt one of my new friends, I will take them out. I would make them suffer so much, they’d wish they had never been born, and if they ran… I would hunt them down. Thank- you Kathy.
And the performance in a little film called Arma Get It On!
And we’ll be right back with our final five lesbians–Interviews.
And…I really do want world peace!
Are you asking me out on a date?
No. Just a casual dinner. If we happen to have sex afterwards, so be it.
Arson, explosives, poison…this guy never works the same way twice.
As they say in Russia… etot borscht ochen’ vkusnyj!!!
as they say in Russia:’etot borscht ochen vkusnyj!’
Awe Jesus, the woman’s ass is in the way!
Betrayed implies an action, you just stood there!
Both painful and grotesque, isn’t it?
By the way, what are you planning to do for your talent? Sing? Dance? Chew with your mouth closed?
Can i get another one of these..tubey things? Uh yeah can we get another uh tubey…?
Check it out, Ivan’s packin’ (Not, his package. Reference to the gun in view, not his junk.)
Check it out…Ivan’s package
Cheryl Frasier is a science major. Her field is nuclear fission with a minor in elementary particles.
Come on, you made a choice. It was wrong, but that’s it. It’s over. By the way, you look like hell.
Do all the women in the Bureau have to wear those really masculine shoes?
Do not mess with the dress!
Don’t do that. That slow, creepy thing in the shadows. Your father used to do that.
Don’t kid yourself. Nobody thinks of you that way.
Don’t need that-with all this foil on my head, I’m getting HBO
Don’t worry Miss Morningside. I’m sure where you’re going, they’d love to meet a former beauty queen.
Drop the guns or I’ll kill her.
Enjoy running for the San Antonio Women’s Correctional Facility Pageant
Enjoy your running in the Miss San Antonio Women’s Correctional Facility Pageant! Ha ha ha, get it? The Women’s Correctional Facility–
Entering Barbie Town…
Eric:operation thong has comenced.
Gracie: Why don’t you go stun gun yourself.
Excuse me. This is not a beauty pageant. This is a scholarship program. And it has been ever since my reign. I fully intend on maintaining that credo.
First step cheese pizza, second step FLAMING batons!
First step, pizza. Second step, flaming batons…
For Kelly Beth Kelly, all the world’s a stage. A theatre major, she helps run a drama program for underpriviledged children.
Frank, get me Mellin’s phone number and for godsakes tuck in your shirt!
Frank, what? Disgusting, perverted Frank?
Give yourself a break. Cut Vic and the other pageant ladies some slack. ‘Cause if they ever get a chance to see what I see then, they’re gonna love you…
Good evening. I know the ah program says I’m supposed to play the water glasses for you, but ah, some of the girls got dehydrated…
Grace: Are you asking me out on a date?
Eric: No. just a casual dinner. If we happen to have sex afterwards, so be it.
GRACE: Augh! Which ones the lipstick? (While shes looking at eyeshadows)
Grace:What the? Victor: The only way I knew I would get you here is if you got to shoot someone.
Gracie Lou Freebush hopes to become a pediatrician. Her hobbies include figure skating, water ballet, and talking long, luxurious bubble baths.
Gracie to Ivan: ‘Lozhitsya na pol!!! Na pol! Bistro!!!’ (Translation from Russian: Get down on the ground!!! On the ground! Now!!!)
Gracie: ‘Problem, gentlemen?!’ The boy: ‘Hey, dork-brain, if you weren’t a girl I would beat your face off!’ Gracie: ‘ If you were a girl, I’d beat your face off!’ Him: ‘ You call me a girl?!’ Her: ‘You call me one!’ Him: ‘O-oh, you asked for it!’
Gracie: I would so love to hurt you right now! Vic: As long as you smile!
Gracie: Ouch! Can I get some novacaine?
Dentist: It’s just a cleaning.
Gracie: No, not you, Sweeny Todd back here. What are you doing?
Stylist: Trying to untangle it.
Gracie: Well as long as it doesn’t say, Thank you very much for the Country Music Award.
great job team
hairspray finally something i recognise…ahhhhhhhh what are you doing?
Happy? You doughnut nazi!
Harsher punishments for parole violators Stan!….and….World Peace
Hart, shouldn’t you be at a desk?
Have fun at the MALL!
Have fun at the mall.
have you ever, like, comitted a crime?
Hey hey what are you doing? You’re drinking my talent!
Hey Mike, gimme a pint
Hey New Jersey, this seat is empty
Hey watch it! I’m gliding here! Ass-hole!!!
HEY! i’m glidin here!
Hey! I’m gliding here!
Hey, hey hey hey, what are you doing? You’re drinking my talent
Hey, hey, hey, watch the hands garcon
Hey, this is not a beauty pagaent, remember, it’s a scholarship program. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yes!
Hey, you also said you couldn’t make he beautiful in two day, and look at her now, look how gorgeous she is. I mean, compared to the car wreck she was before…
Hopefully remove the beer stains and steak residue…
How’s your head, my little piroshki?
Hs equiptments this big*holds index finger close together* But his egos THIS big* holds arms up far apart
I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven’t slept all night, I am starved and I’m armed. Don’t mess with me!
I am in a dress, I’m in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven’t slept, I’m starved, and I’m armed, don’t mess with me.
I am somewhat less than amused.
I can’t talk girl talk with a guy in my head. I can even do it with me in my head.
I don’t have a gun. My ancestors were Quakers.
I don’t need that will all this foil in my head I’m getting HBO!
I forgot my breats. Hold on, I’ll be back!
i have sarcasium when every word cummin out of your mouth is dripping with disstain.
I haven’t seen a walk like that since Jurassic Park>
I haven’t seen a woman like that since Jurassic Park!
I just wanna let all the lesbians out there know if I can make it to the Top 10, so can you! Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!
I knew I’d never getcha here unless you had the chance to shoot someone.
I made some of my famous hot chocolate!
I mean, his ego is like this big! And his equipment is like this big!.. Actually you can use it like a needle.
I mean, in all honesty, I might let you down. But I’m gonna, I’m gonna try my best not to.
I memorized the orientation pamphlet. I know all 49 ladies by name and picture. Well, 50 including myself.
I once had a girl who could rearrange furniture.
I realize I didn’t exactly follow orders…
I saw a girl once, a cheerleader doing it at a football game. And she lit the batons on fire and did this sexy dance. I wish I could do something like that.
I think any women that do this is catering to some misogynistic neanderthal mentality.
I was right in the middle of my song, and then there was this big explosion!
I will do whatever you want me to, Yoda
I will do whatever you want me to, Yoda.
I would have to say, I used to be one of them… But when I came here, I realized that these women are smart terrific people who just try to bring something different in the world.
I would like to bring out my assistant, Eric Bob.
I would so love to hurt you right now.
I’m fine… I’m cool… I’m good
I’m getting chip-faced.
I’m in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven’t slept all night, I’m starving, and I’m armed. Don’t mess with me.
I’m not gonna parade around in a swimsuit like some airhead bimbo that goes by the name, what, Gracie Lou Freebush, and all she wants is world peace!
I’m saying that tomorrow she’ll be on stage with nothing to do but convert oxygen into carbon dioxide!
I’m sorry….What was the question? I was distracted by the half massacated cow rolling around in your wide open trap! Grace: Excuse me,what is your problem?
I’m sorry? What was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated cow…rolling around in your wide-open trap.
i’ve got gel in my hair, gunk on my face, im tired, im starved, and im armed dont, mess with me
I’ve taken a woman without a discernable smidgen of estrogen and transformed her into a lady.
I-I don’t know what to say… except for… why can’t I wear this at work? Never thought anything like this would ever happen to me. I mean, I kinda hoped that it wouldn’t, now that it has – I just wanna say that I’m very… very honoured… and… moved… and… truely touched… And I really do want world peace!!!
If all else fails, go for the four sensitive areas of the body. But just remember to sing. S-I-N-G. Solar plexus, Instep, Nose, Groin! Sing!
If I only had a brain!
If you are Grace Hart, I quit here and now.
In a very bizarre incident at the Miss United States preliminaries, the contestant from New Jersey leapt off-stage and tackled a man in the crowd who was just trying to light a cigarette.
In a way, America is like a big ship. When we work together and respect each other, that’s when the ship gets safely home.
in Hawaii don’t you use aloha for hello and goobye?
Well what if you’re on the phone and you can’t get the person to stop talking do you just say okay take care aloha don’t they just start all over again?
In place of friends and relationships you have sarcasm and a gun.
Instead she’s out there dressed like a bavarian fruit cake!
It’s fixed,I’m in the top 5,congratulations to me!
It’s not the bloody Ice Capades!
its light beer and she’s gonna throw it up anyway
Its never yah. Always yes.
ive got gel in my hair, i haven’t slept for twelve hours, i’m starved and i’m armed, DON’T MESS WITH ME!!
Jersey’s goin’ berserk!
Jesus Christ aww! Oh! I, uh, had a bite of my bagel and I forgot to pray. Dear Jesus, please forgive me for not praying before I took a bite of my bagel and shmeal. Thank you very much.
Jesus-!! Oh I’m sorry, I just…I forgot to pray before taking a bite of my bagel.
Just pretend that its me and I won’t tell you something.
You want me to beat it out of her?
K, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama…
Leg waxing, fake orgasms, the inability of men to commit…
Leslie Williams is a music major. She believes in the healing power of music. Loves opera, reggae, and, like any true California girl, the Beach Boys.
Let me get you Victor Melling’s number. Frank. He’s a pageant consultant. Frank. Maybe he can do something to help. Frank!
Listen, I was thinking, ah, you know, when we get back to the city, after we write our reports and you get all ugly again, I dunno, maybe we could have dinner?
long.. luxurious bubble baths
Look at this. Liberace’s got her in a nice evening gown.
Look I am an FBI alrite. I’m not a performing monkey in heels.
Look, she’s gonna cry again – if I only had a brain!!!
Look, the last time I was this naked in public I was coming out of a uterus, okay!? I don’t have any breasts. My thighs–I should be wearing a muumuu. Really. Look, I have been avoiding this experience my entire life.
Mary Jo Wright is a psychology major. In her spare time, she works in a homeless shelter and eats as much mexican food as she can get.
matchbox kicks ass is fucked in the god damn head!
McDonald called. He saw Hart’s little anti-smoking commercial. He’s on his way down.
Milk. Give her milk.
Miss United States.
Morningside: ‘They steal my life, they steal my beauty pageant.’ Gracie: ‘Hey, hey, this is not a beauty pageant, this is a schoolarship program’
Morningside: ‘Yeah, yeah!’
Gracie: ‘ Yes!’
Mr. Matthews~ OOOOOOOoooooohhhhhhhhhh!
Boss~ Not really is my color is it?
Mrs. Morningside: ‘All I am guilty of is trying to make the world a more beautiful place. why… look at yourself – when I met you, Dennis Rodman looked better in his dress, but now you’re a lady. I did that!’
Gracie: ‘No, Vic did that and the highly specialized FBI make-up team. People who make you look, you know, look beautifil… You know what – you’re under arrest. Get in the car!’
My parents don’t like anything ostentacious. And the really don’t like fire.
my roommates sleeping…i guess she’s starting to mold
Never yeah, always yes
No sir, he’s not gonna die like this, sir. His victims didn’t get a chance to choke on a peanut, did they, sir?
None of your business.
Not unless it’s the Miss Lamaze pageant
Now excuse me, I hafta go unscrew my smile.
Now there is a hardened criminal
Now you can wear Satan’s panties!
Of course he had a gun. This is Texas. Everybody has a gun. My florist has a gun!
Ofcourse he had a gun; this is Texas, everyone has a gun. My florist has a gun.
Oh good, I guess it’s time to apply at my local Hooters!
Oh I have sarcasm? When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain!
oh if i only had a brain
Oh Jesus Christ *room gasps*. I took a bite of my bagel and forgot to pray *drops to her knees*. Dear Jesus Thank you for this wonderful bagel and schmear.
Oh Jesus Christ! Ah! Ah, ah, oh, I-ah, I’m sorry, I, ah, I had a bite of my bagel and I forgot to pray. Dear Jesus, please forgive me for not praying before I had a bite of my bagel and schmeer. Thank you very much.
Oh Jesus Christ!!! *room gasps* Oh, my father please forgive me for taking a bite of my bagel before praying
Oh look shes gonna cry again ‘OH! If I only had a brain!’
Oh my god! I haven’t seen a walk like that since Jurassic Park!
Oh my god…..I haven’t seen a walk like that since Jurassic Park!! Grace: Well it’s been working pretty well for me for the past 30 years,alright?
Oh my parents don’t like anything ostentatious. And they really don’t like fire.
Oh well, ah, my roommate’s asleep, or she’s starting to mold. But ah, do you, do you wanna come in?
Oh yeah, well it’s been working really well for me for the past 30 years, all right?
Oh! Oh, that guy? No, no, I, I, I, I, I, I was dating him for a little while because he told me he had an incurable disease. Yeah, yeah. I didn’t realize it was stupidity. He is such a pathetic loser. It’s like I’m sorry he’s obsessed with me, but at some point it’s like ‘Hello! Move on! Get over yourself!’. I mean, his ego was like this big, but his equipment was like this big!
Oh, good, perfect. ‘Cause I’d hate for him to fire me over the phone.
Oh, little Eric looks a little scared…maybe he needs a little bit of applause…
Oh, no, I was just, you know…I was grooming
Ok, Gracie Lou, listen up. Operation Thong has commenced!
Okay, Vic. Beautify me. Hair, makeup, shellac, whatever it is that you do. Where is that shiny stuff that you keep putting on my lips?
Once I stole a pair of red panties from a department store!
Once I stole a pair of red underwear from the department store. My mom wouldn’t buy them for me–she said they were Satan’s panties!
One little mistake and I’m a bellhop
One time i stole red underwear from the department store, my mother wouldn’t buy them for me she said they were satans panties!!
One time I stole red underwear from the department store. My mother wouldn’t buy them for me. She said they were Satan’s panties.
Ooooooh, Vic’s gonna kill you! You in big trouble!
Operation thong has commenced
Operation Thong has commenced.
Really? Why don’t you jump on her dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake?
she been drinkin to much coppertone
She said they were Saatan’s panties.
She’s a lady.
she’s kickin’ his ass!
She’s obviously been drinking too much Coppertone
She’s totaly trashed.
Shut up Eric, I’m tired, I’m starved and I’m armed, so don’t mess with me!
Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown.
So join the marines. It’s like feminism never even happened. You know?
Stan: what is one thing that we as a society needs today? Graie: that would be harsher punishments for parol violators stan..silence..and..world peace..applause!
Texas! New Jersey! (starts walking and falls on her face)
Oh Shit!! She’s up and ok!
That is one really, really purple Russian!
That was charming. Are you drunk?
That was charming. Are you drunk?
That’s it! Excuse me! I am in the middle of a REM cycle over here.
The Queen Of The Night.
There’s a gap between your knees and your calves, your calves and your ankles.
They had their southern belles, midwestern farmers daughters, spunky western cowgirls, and i have….dirt Harriet.
they have they’re texas cowgirls and their california beauties and I have…Dirty Harriot…
This broad’s got two asses
This broad’s got two asses!
This broads got two asses
This guy’s like an inch from death.
This is you not arguing? Cuz you suck at it.
This may come as a shock to you, but I’ve never been in a beauty pageant before. I don’t even own a dress. I don’t even own a brush.
those better be candy dishes
Those better be candy dishes!
Those better be candy dishes!!!!
Twirling. It can be ah, a real art…
Use the heel of you hand and thrust it upwards. This will cause the nose to break and your assailant’s eyes to tear, giving you a chance to get away.
Vic: This girl.. She has no talent! I wasn’t told to provide a talent and I’m not going to! Gracie: Wait.. I have something.. I have done it since high school, but ya know it’s kinda like riding a bike. Vic: You are NOT having sex on the stage!! Gracie: Aaaah! I didn’t know that was an option! Look.. all I have to do is call room service!
vic: why is New Jersey called ‘The Garden State’? Gracie: Because its to hard to fit oil and petra-chemical state on a liscense plate
Victor Melling: Why is New Jersey called The Garden State?
Gracie Hart: Because Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State wouldn’t fit on a license plate?
Victor: How do you feel about gun control?..favorable
Viktor: They have there southern belles, there midwestern farmers daughters, and i have… Dirty Harriett.
wait georgia gets to wear a one peice!!!!
Washington, nice apples.
Wear the crown. Be the crown. You are the crown.
Well I don’t like you. Now everybody thinks I need a girl to fight for me. You are a dork-brain!
Well I would have to say, I used to be one of them. And then I came here, and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And we’ve become really good friends. I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other will trip and fall on her face, but–Oh wait a minute! I’ve already done that!…And for me this experience has been one of the most rewarding…and liberating experiences of my life!
Well you all just go back to you little bicycles and I’ll sit here with my really large cheesy pizza. Oh, look at all that cheese.
Well, as you know, all the contestants are actively involved in trying to end America’s dependence on tobacco. So needless to say, I think the gentleman will think twice before he lights up again.
Well, glide, now. Glide.
Well, you might wanna call the network and the pageant people. Set up a meeting. Because you’ll probably need their cooperation at some point.
What are you apologizing for? She obviously been drinking too much Coppertone!
What could possibly motivate anybody to enter a beauty pageant is beyond me.
What is the one thing our society needs? Gracie: That would be…..Harsher punishment for parole violators,Stan………and……..World Peace.(Crowd cheers)
What’s her talent, bartending?
What? Hemorrhoids ointment? You really think the judges are gonna be looking that closely?
What? No armored car? That would be in my other dress.
where your going the will love to meet a former beauty-queen.
yeah when he says meet he means meat!
Why don’t you go stun-gun yourself
why’s that, miss erin mcginn?
With some intensive work, she’ll be ready for the world’s finest trailer park
With some intensive work, she’ll be ready for the world’s finest trailer park.
Woman:Hey gentleman you can’t go in there… oh Victor. Vic:He’s with me. Eric:Hey wait a minute I’m not with him with him. *Puts arms aroung Eric* Vic:Oh come on muffin.
yea she is making the sequel to armageddon, arma-get-it-on! (snorts)
Yeah I hate it when I don’t see that wet paint sign.
Yeah I’m the job. We’re all the job.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Now I’m thinking…undercover…
Yeah, and when he says ‘meet’ he means M-E-A-T !
Yeah, it’s fun.It’s so fun it should be illegal. Speaking of illegal, like, have you ever like, committed a crime?
Yes. Wear the crown. Be the crown. You are the crown.
You are truly unique. If I ever had a daughter, I imagine that she would be something like you. Which is perhaps why I have never reproduced.
You ate pizza, you stole panties, you’re a wild woman!
You can’t beat a deaf-mute.
You don’t walk, you float…
you drank beer, you stole panties, your a wild woman!
You know what, I am an FBI agent, all right? I’m not a performing monkey in heels.
You know, I’ve been fighting all my life against your type. The ones who think we’re just a bunch of worthless airheads. You know who I mean. Feminists…intellectuals…ugly women. But I refuse to give in to their cynicism. That’s why I have dedicated my entire life to this scholarship program. And no one’s going to ruin that. Not this year. You get in my way, and I will kill you. Do you understand?
You know, right now there’s a huge gap between my brain and my spinal cord.
You kow, I don’t appreciate your selfishness and immaturity when I’m working as hard as I am.
You light up my life.
you love me, you wanna hug me, you wanna kiss me
You must achieve a Zen-like state…
You think I’m goregous, you wanna kiss me
you think i’m gorgeous
You think i’m gorgeous, you wanna date me!
You think I’m gorgeous, you wanna date me, love me and marry me!
You think I’m gorgeous, you wanna date me, love me, and marry me.
You think I’m gorgeous, you want to kiss me, you want to hug me, you want to love me, you want to date me.
You think I’m gorgeous. You want to kiss me. You want to hug me. You want to love me…
you think im gorgeous you wanna kiss me
You want me to beat it out of her!?
You’re from Hawaii right?
Well don’t you guys use Aloha for hello and goodbye?
Well isn’t that really confusing? Cos if you’re on the phone to someone and they won’t stop talking how do you shut ’em up? Cos if you say OK, take care, Aloha, don’t they like, start all over again?
You’re not killing anyone you peanut eating bastard!
You’re shutting up enough for the both of us.
You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re easy to talk to…when you’re not armed.
you….light up my life……
Young Gracie: ‘Well, I mean… I like you!’ The boy: ‘And I don’t like you! Now evryone thinks I need a girl to fight him. YOU ARE A DORK-BRAIN!!!’ Gracie hits
Your picture wasn’t there, so I knew it was you from your lack of picture!
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Miss Congeniality’: Quotes from the movie ‘Miss Congeniality’