(Father Brian) So, let me get this straight, you’re a catholic-muslim, with Jewish in-laws?
(From deleted scene.) BRIAN: (Drunk.) Bartender! I’ll have a pint of whiskey and a shot of your finest ale!
(Jake and Brian)Well, jon, is this a good machine? (jon) yea it’s good, if you’re a CHEAP BASTARD! You want the audio 2000… and audio key control, so you can change the pitch if your voice sucks! But, I don’t need that.
1) Are you speaking abstractly or specifically? 2) Abstractly
1) She asked me for a bite and all of a sudden her face blew up like a chipmunk and she was like are there nuts in this. 2) So? 1) It was pecan pie
1) Woah! What are you doing here? 2) We’re buying a turkey. No! We’re here to see a movie!
1)Am I interrupting something? 2)Yeah, I got a blond in the back.
1)Get out of here with that? Is it real? 2)Yeah, it’s real.
1)I really like your headband 2)Oh yes, it was beaded by the mentally retarded. 3) Oh, it looks really good though. 4) Yes, well they were heavily supervised.
1)Price is not important! 2)No, price is VERY important. How much is it? 1)All right, you got me! Take me away!!
1)The point is: You’re old enough to date without a chaperone. 2)Amen.
1.Jake, i am in love with you 2.ya i love you too 3. no you are in love with me, you just won’t admit it because you are afraid of what it involves…
1: Is that her? 2: No! 1: No! 2: Hail… 1 and 2: Mary 2: Hail Something… 3: Hello Boys!
1: Let me guess- your old lady got fed up because you’re out here chasing the skirt, so she took these little ones, and left you! 2: It’s a little more complicated than that…
20 minutes? I’m late. This is becoming a bad habit.
Jake looking out Anna’s office window: He’s like porn slapping her.
Amen to your Oy
And she’s loving him with that body of hers I just know it! … Your girlfriend heart go *boom*, fall on the floor!
And when you sing to your girlfriend, and her heart- KABOOM- fall down on the floor, you will say, thank you Don! It even has a tuner if your voice sucks, but I don’t need that.
anna: brain u dont drink, brian: excuse me but in recent revelations i think that no of us can say wot the other person is feeling/thinking…..*brain necks the whiskey*….anna: brain….BRIAN!!!
ANNA: I work harder than God. If He had hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.
Anna: So this is a rectory. That sounds like a bad word. Rectory!
at dinner on night
Brian:There is an absence of something
Jake: Yeah, the cell phone
Anna: Holds up phone: It’s set to vibrate
BARTENDER: (Putting towel around neck in mock confessional.) Tell me, Father…how long has it been since your last drink? BRIAN: It’s been about…(looks at watch)…one and a half minutes since my last drink.
BRIAN: (In church, to congregation.) OK, so who can name the seven deadly sins? (No response.) People! It’s a very popular movie with Brad Pitt. You have the ultimate cliff note!
Definately not Ernie’s, deninately not.
Digital key controller, so, you can change the pitch if your voice sucks. But I don’t need that.
Do you do these tapes?
are you kidding me?
are u kidding me?
these tapes are like a religion to me, no pun intended… feel my abs
what?! i am not going to punch you
no, im not going to punch you, your a girl
DON IS THIS A GOOD SYSTEM? DON- YEA ITS A GOOD SYSTEM IF YOU A CHEAP BASTARD!
Don rhyme with flan.
Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
Don:Ok, you caught me. Take me away!
FATHER BRIAN’S SERMON- And its very important to understand the difference between religion and faith. Faith is a feeling, faith is a hunch…that there is something bigger connecting it all…connecting us all together. And coming here tonight, on your sunday evening, to connect with that feeling, that is an act of faith.
God squad in the house.
God was showing off when he made you
God was showing off when He made you.
Hey! ADD boy. You wanna get it then let’s get it, but be with me when we get it.
Holy Majoly! He’s like porn slapping her
I bet no one ever asks the Dali Lama these questions.
I don’t breath audibly, but I breath.
I don’t WANNA listen to any of you!
I gave up smoking 2 years ago and when I see someone smoking I want to french kiss them just to suck the nicotine our of their lungs.
I have a relationship with me phone. We have a chemistry together.
I have a relationship with my phone. We have a chemistry, I can’t explain it.
I love that I suck!
I love you. I’m in love with you. I’ve waited my whole life for someone like you and I’m not going to let you go.
I nearly didn’t get it cos I was so mad with you. (giving Jack a Rabbi trading card)
I really admire your commitment.
I think you will find Rabi Schram that this princess is no pushover.
I’m gonna be coming here a lot, so maybe I can come here and you can say, hey Jake!,and I can say, hey…(pauses) T-bone
I’m trying to sprinkle a little fairy dust!
If she has kissed me back I don’t think I would be sitting her right now, I would have given it all up.
If you a cheap bastard!!!
Indian Bartender: oh, God, what do I know? I’m a half Punjabi Sikh Tamil separatist. My sister’s married a Jewish doctor from New Jersey and our other grandmother was an Irish nun who left me this bar… which is a very long story…
Father Brian: So…you’re a Sikh Catholic Muslim with Jewish in-laws??
Indian Bartender: Yes, Yes! It is VERY complicated!
Jake: She’s like a sister to you! Brian: Yes, thankyou for adding new depth to my confusion.
Jake: you suck you can do it!
Jews don’t want their rabbis to get laid. (from the out-takes)
Let those who love us, love us. And those that don’t, may may God turn their hearts. And, if He cannot turn their hearts, May He turn their ankles so we may know them by their limping.
Man, throw me a beach towel, cause my head is swimming
May those who love us, love us. And those who don’t love us – may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping.
May those who love us, love us. And those who don’t love us — may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping.
No- I work harder than God. If he had hired me, he would have made the world by Thursday.
Oh God!! You must think I’m such an idiot!
Oh god, I feel like I’m on some terrible new show. Melrose Priest!
Ok, Let’s get a few things straight here, Jake. ONE, I like you..alot. And unless my radar is completely on the blink I think you like me too..
Okay, go. But you’ll be back. They all come back
Okay, shut up RainMan, seriously.
Only my mother is reaching the level of shabat shalominess that i’m looking for.
Rabbi Jacob (Jake) Schram: Whoa! You’re telling me that I was supposed to be sensitive to the fact that a Catholic priest might have a crush on my secret girlfriend?
Ready to take a chance again.
She’s analysing synergies or synergizing analygies or something like that.
Sir- what? You’re leaving! It’s customary to sneak out AFTER the communion…
So this is a rectory. That sounds like a bad word. Rectory!
Sometimes we don’t see certain things until we’re ready to see them in a certain way.
Testing, testing. Sibalince, sibalince. I’m the King of Rock. There ain’t none higher.
There’s a reason pandas don’t mate in captivity! (Jake Schram, about dating within his congregation)
There’s this really great place on the web: www.hotgod.com.
This is the big room. You better not lie in here. God doesn’t look kindly on liars. He has a tendancy to throw lightening.
TWO. No one thing defies me…So..let me have it. I can take it, I’m not scared. What? Are you some kind of woos? Little woos! Little woos!
We’re gonna be the Fugees here this morning…no Lauryn Hills.
What happened to our youth?
You know, I’ll bet the Middle East is lovely this time of year, right?
You think Len was a Ritalin Child?
You think Ren was a Ritalin child?
You think YOU can talk. This woman can TALK.
You want to bring a priest to your first good date in 2 years?
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Keeping the Faith’: Quotes from the movie ‘Keeping the Faith’