‘Boy look at me. See that little girl there? That’s my only little girl, man. She’s my life. So if you have any thoughts about huggin and kissin, you remember these words…I got no problem going back to prison.’
‘Honey, I’m on a diet, put on a diet so put on some Fruit Roll Ups, woudja?’
‘Whaddya wanna do tonight?’ ‘Let me eat your undershorts. Gimme a glass o’ milk, I’m gonna gobble them right up. Honey, put some in the ‘fridgerator, I’m gonna make a samwich later!’
1. How’d you get tickets to the Tampon 200? 2. Well we had to pull some strings.
1. You get your truck stuck? 2. Nope, I was delivering that overpass and I ran outta gas.
1.) he’s stopped he’s stopped he’s stopped he’s stopped. 2.) I can see that! 1.) Oh my god she’s her mother.
1: If you’ve ever emptied the back of your pickup truck by driving backward really fast and slamming on the brakes… 2: That’s how we moved.
1: If you’ve ever opened a beer during a eulogy, you might be a redneck. 2: I’m just guessing, one of your relatives? 1: My Uncle Jack. I swear to you, Jeff, we weren’t even outside. We were IN THE CHURCH. The reverand had just finished the eulogy, and we heard this [kssshhh!]. We look in the back and there he is, holding a beer, and he goes ‘What?’
1: Let me tell you something. Everybody’s got great stories, but Ying-Yang here, you gotta tell the one about when you took your sister to the flea market cos she was all bummed out. 2: Oh, OK. [Audience Member]: I HOPE SHE’S HOT!!! 2: Hee hee. She made Ray Charles flinch!
1: Well, as long as you’re telling ones on your relatives, I’m telling one on you. If you’ve ever ridden an electric floor buffer, you- 2: Wait, wait! Tequila was involved, get off me. 3: I wonder how many times his wife has said that?
1:are you ron ‘tater salad’ white
2:caught me, ya caught the tater
1:so when you gonna wear these for me
2: I can’t, they’re your daughters
3: aaah…..no no no!!!
ah, heres a keychain
And at that moment I had the right to remain silent…but I didn’t have the ability.
and do you every get that feeling where you know you’re being watched?
and they asked me..what is your earliest recollection of your childhood..The only thing I remember that early was driving in my fathers truck standing on the front seat and every time he’d turn a corner I would make a noise of squeeling tires –ERRRRR– and he would say son stop squeelin my tires..All the sudden it dawned on me..What the hell was I doing staaanding on the front seat of the caaar.
Big girls dont get belly rings…..they get ONION rings!!
do you ever get that cold nose?
dudes i was just swimming along and i felt myself being drawn towards the light
He asked me if I have any aliases. ‘Yes, they call me… Tater Salad.’ Seventeen years later, I’m handcuffed on a bench in New York, and the cop says to me ‘Are you Ron… ‘Tater Salad’ White?’ Ya caught me!
He said ‘Are you lonely?’ Yeah! ‘Have you wasted half your life in bars persuing sins of the flesh?’ This guy’s good… He said ‘Are you sittin’ in a beanbag chair naked eatin’ Cheetos?’ …YESSIR!!! ‘Do you feel the urge to get up and send me $1000?’ Heh, close! I thought he was talkin’ ’bout me there for a second.
how’d you get tickets to the tampon 200? well we pulled some strings and we got some good seats there…
i can’t, they’re your daughters.
i didn’t know how many guys it would have taken to take me out, but i knew how many they were going to use.
I disappeared like a set of rims at a puff daddy concert.
i dont remember it being that cold that afternoon
I flew here from Flagstaff because my manager doesn’t own GLOBE. I flew here on a plane THAT BIG. Like a pack of gum with 8 people in it. We took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Haircare and Tire Center there. We’re traveling at half the speed of SMELL. We got passed by a KITE. There was a goose behind us, the pilot was going ‘Go around!!’
i flew in here on a plane that big. like a pack of gum with 8 people in it just bzzzzzzzzzzz…we took off from the flagstaff airport haircare and tire center there. We were traveling at half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us and the piolet was going ‘go around.’
I had the right to remain silent…but not the ability.
I have two daughters, their ages are 8 and 10. I live nextdoor to my brother, he has three children, they are all girls and their ages are 6, 8 and 10. My mother has 9 grandchildren, they are all girls, the oldest is 13. I live in the ESTROGEN OCEAN.
I live right in the naked Barbie Woodstock. There were days I had fantasies about being GI Joe on a 3-day pass!
I mea why dont they just say it…’Diamonds’…that’ll shut her up.
I mean, who hijacks a plane with a leaf blower?…You turn this plane around or I mess up your hair so bad your mother never recognize you!
I remember being about 3, and I’m standing on the front seat of the car with my dad. And every time he would turn a corner I would make the sound of tires squeeling. My dad would go ‘Quit squeelin’ my tires!’ All of a sudden it dawned on me, what was I doing STANDING ON THE FRONT SEAT OF THE CAR!??!? See, back in those days kids weren’t too good to go through the windshield with the rest of the family! When my kids were 3, I couldn’t back outta the driveway unless they were in a car seat with a shoulder strap and a safety fit. Thinking back, I can vividly recall riding all the way to Florida laying in the back window of the car!!! People behind us going ‘Harold, is that one of those bobbing dogs?’ ‘No, that’s a skinny kid with a big head. Boy, what a big head.’ My dad slammed on the breaks, you went bouncing round the car like a pinball game!
i take my wife’s bra off, throw it across the room, the dogs bring it back
I was seein this good looking girl for about 6 weeks and then someone took my binoculars out of the truck there. She was a midget stripper. I met her at a party one night and she popped out of a cupcake.
i’m getting flipped off by kids in car seats, okay?
I’m helping my wife fold clothes, and I pick up this little pair of skimpy underwear and I say, HeyHey! When you gonna wear THESE for me?
She says ‘I can’t, they’re your daughter’s.’ AAAGGHHH!! NO NO NO!!!
There was nothin’ to ’em! When the ‘how to wash’ tag is the biggest piece of cloth on there…
If you’ve ever been accused of lying through your tooth, you might be a redneck.
If you’ve ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver…
if your parents still drive you to school, you ain’t no gangster so pull up your pants!
It takes a long time to get to England in a row boat
It takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat!
It was weird everyone on the plane was nervous but I’d been drinkin since lunch and I was like take it down I dont care. You ever have one of those days. Hit comething hard I dont want to limp away from this wreck.
It’s like wiping before you poop, it don’t make sense!
its not the size of the ship its the motion of the ocean.
Jeff: Mama looks good, don’t she? Ron: That ain’t Mama! Larry: … Sure it is, they just shaved her beard off!
Jesus, put a bell around his neck!
My sister is covered with moles. She’s got moles all over her face. And we used to call her ‘Ol’ Moley’. But she went down to the church and got saved, so now we call her ‘Holy Moley’. And, it ain’t funny, to be honest with you…
My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
No ma’am, nice stops at midnight
Oh my god! Did you hit a deer?
oh my god, they’re filming this
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty, but my state’s putting in an express lane.
Ron: So I have this son right…Tater Tot…and i was going to send him on a plane to meet up with someone, and the lady asked me…Is there going to be someone there to pick him up from the plane? And i was like, nope I was going to pin 20 bucks on him and wish him the best of luck! THERES YOU SIGN!
Ron: When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in pub-LIC. Jeff: There seems to be a pattern there, Ron. Ron: If you knew morse code, you’d already know that.
she came in, but cotton balls on the needles, lit them, and Left the room. so all i know is that there is smoke coming up between my legs and i can’t inhale it. OKey DOkey!
She Left The Needle In My Head!
She’s feelin’ bad about her moles, so we figured we’d lift her spirits, take her up to the flea market and get her somethin’ nice. And she was already feelin’ bad about her moles, and then teh night before she got this horse and it busted its leg, so I had to shoot it. And now it’s got a broken leg and a gunshot wound. I don’t know what your ‘sposed to shoot it for. I guess it helps the healin’ process or somethin’. If it ain’t better by next week I’m gonna shoot it again, I’ll tell you that much.
She’s got no depth perception. We were driving, and a truck stopped in front of us. I’m like, He stopped, he stopped,he stopped, HE STOPPED!!! I can SEE that! Oh, my God, she’s her MOTHER!!!
So after being thrown out of a bar by these five large bouncers, a police officer comes over to me and says, You are being charged with being drunk in pub-liK. And I said, Officer, I didn’t want to be drunk in pub-liK…I wanna be drunk in the bar. Now last time I checked it was still legal to be drunk in the bar. They threw me into public…arrest them!
sometimes there’d be 7 or 8 of us circling that quicky mart…just a white trash road rage
Thas funny right there, I don’t care who ya are. If you can’t laugh at that then you need to get outta here, cuz thas just funny right there.
That ain’t mama. Yeah it is, they just shaved her beared off
The DeBeers people are finally starting to say what they really mean. The old DeBeers slogan was ‘Diamonds are forever.’ Then they changed it to ‘This year, take her breath away.’ The new slogan is ‘Diamonds: Render her speechless.’ Why don’t they just go ahead and say it? ‘Diamonds: That’ll shut her up.’ …For a minute.
The guy sitting next to me is loosing his mind. Apparently he had a lot to live for. He goes ‘Hey man huh huh hey man huh if one of these engines fail, how far will the other one take us?’ All the way to the scene of the crash. Which is pretty handy cause thats where were headin. I bet we beat the paramedicas there by a half hour.
The only response I could come up with was ‘I bet that is the only time in history the headline of the newspaper could contain the words beaver and nipple and nobody’d be offended by it.’
they call me ‘tater salad
They call me Tater Salad.
They made me do a sobriety test. Where you raise one leg and count to thirty. I got to wo.. is that close enough? Evidently it wasn’t. They called in for my record. There’s good news. Satelites are linking up, there’s a telegraph in Fritz Texas going beep,beep, beep, beep (this part takes a while) blurrrrrrr (short hand) I told you that story to tell you this one. I was arrested for being drunk in public. Jeff: seems to be a pattern. Ron: If you new morse code you’d know that already.
We floated down that river drinking bear for 6 and a half hours…not one person had to pee. Is that normal. I’d like to think my friends wouldn’t pee on themselves. I know i would. That was the best thing about toobing the river, you could just paddle up to someone you dont even know, talk to them while you’re peeing on yourself. That’s relaxed right there. If you’re floating down a river, drinking a beer, peeing on yourself, there’s no tension there is there.
We have spent so many nights at the Waffle House at 2 in teh morning just sitting around and telling stories.
Well hell he scared me!
Went in for a checkup the other day, the doctor stick his finger up my hind-end. Doesn’t even tell me, just does it. I’m standin’ there, I’m like, ‘Hey, you gonna watch the ballgame?’ All of a sudden- WHAT IN THE WORLD? Then he said he found something. I’m like FOUND SOMETHING??! I didn’t even know you was LOOKIN’ for nothin’ up there!! I’m all bent outta shape. What in the world is in my hind-end? Hope it’s the remote control, I ain’t seen it in 3 weeks. Daggum, no wonder every time I fart, the volume goes up on that TV set over there. Found something in my hind-end? Now that’s the WORST dentist I’ve been to in about 5 year.
Where are your PARENTS?
Women are like diesel engines. And what I mean by that is, it may take awhile to get ’em warmed up. But once you do, they can run a LONG, LONG time!! Whereas men, on the other hand… Men are more like… bottle rockets. [pffssshh!] [boom!] Ooo… ahh… [Zzzzzz]…
Yes ma’am, you are welcome!
yesterday i was sitting in a bean bag chair naked eating cheetos
Yesterday I was sitting in a bean bag chair naked eating Cheetos.
Yesterday I was sitting in a bean bag chair naked eating Cheetos. And I was flipping through the television and I saw Robert Tilton, he’s a televangelist from Dallas, and, uh… he was staring at me. He said this, ‘Are you lonely?’ Yeah. ‘Have you wasted half you life in bars persuing sins of the flesh?’ This guy’s good! ‘Are you sitting in a bean bag chair naked eating cheetos?’ YESSIR!! ‘Do you feel the urge to get up and said me a thousand dollars?’ Close! I thought he was talking about ME there for a second.
Yesterday I was sitting in a bean bag chair naked eating Cheetos. And I was flipping through the television and I saw Robert Tilton, he’s a televangelist from Dallas, and, uh… he was staring at me. He said this, ‘Are you lonely?’ Yeah. ‘Have you wasted half you life in bars persuing sins of the flesh?’ This guy’s good! ‘Do you feel the urge to get up and said me a thousand dollars?’ Close! I thought he was talking about ME there for a second.
Yesterday I was sitting in a bean bag chair naked eating Cheetos…
You turn the plane around I mess your hair up so bad your mother never recognize you!
you’re trying to throw down your best moves and there’s these eyes at the end of the bed
you’ve seen one woman naked, you want to see the rest of them
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Blue Collar Comedy Tour’: Quotes from the movie ‘Blue Collar Comedy Tour’