Movie Quotes from Bad Santa: Quotes from the movie Bad Santa

listen buddie ive boned alot of fat chicks in my life but i dont evert recall fornicating any.

(1)What is it with you anyway? Someone drop you on your fucking head? (2)On my head? (1)Well yeah, what are they going to drop you on someone else’s head? (2)How can they drop me onto my own head? (1)No, not onto your..what?…Goddam it! Are you fucking with me?

…and he can take his orders from the talking walnut so it would not be my saying.

1)Did one of you, um, fornicate? 2)Fornicate? 1)Yes with a heavyset woman in the big and tall dressing room. 2)Look, I’ve boned a lot of fat chicks in my time sure, but uh, as far as I’ve recalled I’ve never fornicated anybody.

1)Hey honey, two more of these 2)That’s it for me 1)You can’t drink worth a shit, you know that? 2)I weigh ninety two pounds you dick!

1)How long you gonna be here? 2)What? The couch? 1)In town.

1)I saw you at another mall. 2)Well I’m very happy for you. 1)You’re not really Santa, if you were Santa you could do magic 2)You wanna see some magic? Here – let’s watch you disappear!!

1)I want a stuffed elephant. A pink one! 2)Yeah? Well wish in one hand, shit in the other one – see which one fills up first. 1)Ok.

1)I’ve always had a thing for -um- Santa Claus, in case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep seeded childhood thing. 2)So is my thing for tits.

1)Is that it? 2)Yeah, that’s the last one. 1)Thank the fuck christ!

1)Look, before you do something stupid you may want to think about this shit. 2)What are you talking about? 1)I’m talking about firing a little black midget, colored, African-American, small person – that’s what I’m talking about. I’m talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today – is what I’m talking about. I’m talking about one hundred and fifty of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there – that’s what I’m talking about. With picket signs – chanting and raving. Using little bullhorns and shit like that. Screamin and hollerin your name out. Unfair practices. You get me?

1)There’s something about him that makes me uneasy. 2)Well sure. Santa’s fuckin someone in the ass.

1)Thurman? Who the fuck is Thurman? Is your name Thurman? 2)Uh huh. 1)Thurman Murman?

1- Is that your underwear? 2-Part of it. 1-Where’s the rest of it?.. actually I don’t wanna know.

1-(pulls beard) It’s not real. 2-Well it was real but I got sick and all the hair fell out. 1-How did you get sick? 2-I loved a woman that wasn’t clean. 1-Was it Mrs. Santa? 2-No it was her sister.

1-You got some lip on you, midget. 2-Yea well these lips were on your wife’s pussy last night.

1. Every year you’re worse. Every year, less reliable. More booze. More bullshit. More butt-fucking. 2. Sure, the three B’s.

1. I’m on my FUCKING lunch break, okay? 2. Are you insane? Managment is going to hear about this! 1. If you think that will make my life any worse, take a fuckin shot, be my fuckin guest!

1. What do you want? 2. Fraggle-stick car. 1. What the fuck is that? 2. Fraggle-stick car. 1. All right, fraggle-stick car, fine!

1.He said you won’t S.H.I.T. for a week. 2.Fuckin in the ass

1.Where’s Mrs. Clause? 2.Oh she got mad at me cause I fucked her sister

Bernie Mack: This is pricks fix!

Hindustani Troublemaker: I am not gay!

Marcus: I called you a fuckin ginny homo from the fuckin 15th century.

Marcus: Jesus Mary and Joseph you pissed yourself.

Are you off your fucking meds or something?

Are you saying there is something wrong with my gear? Is that what you are saying?

Deck The Halls.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m – I was against the Clinton impeachment, what a man does with his own penis, Oval Office, women’s big and tall, – is not for the American people to say.

Fuck me Santa Fuck me Santa Fuck me Santa Fuck me Santa Fuck me Santa Fuck me Santa Fuck me Santa

Fuck me, Santa

Fuck the loofah – lets go!

He’s not going to say ‘fuckstick’ in front of the children, is he?

Holly Jolly Christmas.

How much lettuce do you want?
I dont know, the usual amount

i beat up some kids today, made me feel good about myself.

I don’t want any sandwiches! What is it with you and fixin’ fuckin’ sandwiches?

I said next goddamn it!! This is not the DMV – move it along!!

I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. Now I don’t want an elephant at all. I want a gorilla named Davie for beating up the skateboarding kids who pull on my underwear and he can take his orders from the talking walnut so it would not be my saying.

I’m an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking santa clause

I’M ON MY FUCKING LUNCH BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been to prison once. I’ve been married twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and I had to live in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason. I’ve had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I have a bone chip in my ankle that’s never gonna heal. I’ve seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked ass more than this.

If I call you next December. IF I call you next December. You’re gonna be so happy to hear from me you’re gonna do a goddamn back flip. You’re gonna put on that Santa hat so fast that you’re gonna get fuckin hat burn!

If I’d known that I was gonna have to put up with a bunch of screaming brats pissin on my lap for thirty days out of the year…I woulda killed myself a long time ago. Come to think of it – I still might.

Is granny spry?

It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year.

Ow! Watch the toenails, kid, shit!

Performance like sexual? Are you saying something’s wrong with my gear?

Please Come Home For Christmas.

shit happens when u party naked

shit happens when you party naked

Shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up first.

Shut up about the reindeer, kid. Does everything always have to be a f*ckin’ test with you??

Whadda you want? Well come on…whadda you want – a snot rag?

What are you? Sigmund sawed-off fucking Freud?

What is it with you and makin fuckin sandwiches.

What, you shat me out of your womb? You’re my fucking mom now? I don’t need any goddam lectures out of you. I know how to keep a low profile.

Where I come from we didn’t celebrate Christmas. Not because we were Jewish, but because my dad was a worthless coward fuckin asshole who’s idea of a present was a daily punch to the back of the head. He did teach me how to crack a safe though.

Yeah baby, yeah ain’t gonna shit right for a week!

You don’t want anything to do with me. I’m an eating, drinking, fucking santa clause.

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