TOUGH ON THE SENATOR
The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked the minister about some of his old acquaintances.
“How is old Mr. Jones?” he inquired. “Will I be likely to see him to-day?”
“You’ll never see Mr. Jones again,” said the minister. “He has gone to heaven.”
* * *
REDEEMING TRAIT
“I know I’m old, but I’m crazy about you,” stated Mr. Moneybags. “When I go I’ll leave all my fortune to you if you’ll have me.”
“Have you any bad habits?” asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.
“Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit.”
“You dear old thing. Of course I’ll marry you. And we’ll have our honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won’t we?”
* * *
OFF
There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he penned the following note:
“Dear Miss Brown,-I return herewith your kind note in which you accept my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it begins ‘Dear George.’ I do not know who George is, but my name, as you will remember, is Thomas.”
* * *
NOT A FATHER
A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys.
“Good morning, Father,” said one of the boys.
“Hush, he ain’t no father,” said the other, “he’s got a wife and two kids.”
* * *
WEDDING DECLARED OFF
John Willie (pleadingly): “Why can’t we be married right away, Elsie?”
Elsie (coyly): “Oh, I can’t bear to leave father alone just now.”
John Willie (earnestly): “But, my darling, he has had you such a very long time.”
Elsie (freezingly): “Sir!”
* * *
PERHAPS!
“You are a little goose!” remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he was engaged to marry.
“Of course I am,” was the laughing response; “haven’t I got a quack?”
* * *
* * *
In many of the rural districts of the United States where money does not circulate with great rapidity services are paid for “in kind.” Farmers, for example, will give potatoes, eggs, etc., in payment for debts. A young surgeon who had occasion to operate in one of these districts hopefully approached the husband of the patient and asked for his fee, which amounted to $100. “Doc,” said the old man, “I haven’t much ready cash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind.” “Well, I guess that will be all right,” replied the young doctor, cheerfully. “What do you deal in?” “Horseradish, doc,” answered the old man.
* * *
The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent storm arose. The ferryman and his mate, both Highlanders, held a consultation, and after a short debate the ferryman turned to his passengers and remarked, anxiously: “We’ll just tak’ your tuppences now, for we dinna ken what micht come over us.”
* * *
NO DOUBT
“Lend me ten, Tom.”
“I think not.”
“You won’t?”
“I won’t.”
“You’ve no doubt of my character, have you?”
“I haven’t.”
“Well, why won’t you, then?”
“Because I have no doubt of your character.”
* * *
Officer (drilling recruits): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do you do?
Recruit: I yell.
Officer: Yell what?
Recruit: Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.
* * *
Doctor (at door, to butler): Tell your master the doctor is here.
Butler: The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving nobody.
* * *
Young Woman (holding out hand): Will you please tell me how to pronounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise or turkwoise?
Jeweler (after inspecting it): The correct pronunciation is “glass.”
* * *
Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime for several nights. He didn’t like it, and growled to his boss: “You’ve kept me workin’ every night till 9 o’clock for three nights runnin’ now,[Pg 323] and I’m worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain’t no machine. I can’t go forever.” His boss gave a hard laugh. “Wrong!” he said. “Wrong, my boy. You go forever next pay day.”
* * *
The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system of calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud tattoo upon the door. “Well?” he demanded sharply. “I’ve got a message for you, sir.” Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a slip of paper bearing the words: “It’s time to get up.”
* * *
* * *
A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see his married sister’s new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents of the baby’s basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and looking rather shocked, he said, “Isn’t she rather young for that sort of thing?”
* * *
THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS
“I can read my husband like a book.”
“Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear.”
* * *
“I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss.”
“What did she say?”
“Will that be all?”
* * *
NO KICK COMING
Merchant: Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of its contents.
Agent: Well, isn’t that proof that you’ve had a burglar?
* * *
NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT
The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local hospital. When he entered Ward[Pg 325] No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he remarked in cheering tones:
“Never mind, my man, you’ll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that’s the way in the world.”
“I shall never smile again,” replied the youth, sadly.
“Nonsense!” ejaculated the vicar.
“There ain’t no nonsense about it!” exclaimed the other, heatedly. “It’s through smiling at another chap’s girl that I’m here now.”
* * *
TOO TRUE
Screen Actress: I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I cannot act to-day.
Manager: Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a certificate saying that you never could act.
* * *
CONSERVATIVE
He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty in getting what he wanted.
A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.
“No, no! Square toes-must have square toes,” he insisted.
“But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are fashionable this season.”
“I’m sorry,” said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to leave the shop. “I’m very sorry to have troubled you, I’m sure. But, you see, I’m still wearing my last season’s feet!”
* * *
HE HAD HEARD OF THEM
It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: “Look at the time you are wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour.” Then he unwisely added, “Of course, you will have heard of the Himalayas?”
“Yes, sir,” replied the young soldier, “and also of Ananias and George Washington.”
* * *
Mr. Goodsole: “Well, what do you want?”
Benny the Bum: “I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off’n you? I find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an’ I’ll harfta warn the traffic to drive aroun’ me.”
* * *
WHAT DID HE MEAN?
A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he reported:
“Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary.”
“Well,” said the boss, “that’s the first time Bill ever set a date to pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?”
“Vell, aye tank so,” said the clerk, “he said it bane a dam cold day ven you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary.”
* * *
TRUE TO LIFE
Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his “picter” Ian MacPherson came along.
“What’s that ye hev there?” he asked.
“My photygraph,” replied Sandy, showing it proudly. “Whit d’ye think o’ it?”
“Man, it’s fine!” exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. “It’s just like ye, tae. An’ whit micht the like o’ they cost?”
“I dinna’ ken,” replied Sandy. “I hinna’ paid yet.”
“Mon,” said Ian, more firmly than ever. “It’s awful like ye.”
* * *
WHAT HE PREFERRED
“And did you say you preferred charges against this man?” asked the Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.
“No, Your Honour,” was the quick reply of the man to whom money was owed; “I prefer the cash!”
“Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?”
“A spade.”
“Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up.”
* * *
During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor, and said: “I don’t think this is fair, sir; I don’t think I should have a zero on this examination.”
“I know it,” replied the professor, “but we do not have any mark lower than that.”
* * *
The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the cellar. “Are you the plumber?” he inquired of a grimy-looking person who was tinkering with the pipes.
“Yes, guv’nor,” he answered.
“Been in the trade long?”
“‘Bout a year, guv’nor.”
“Ever made any mistakes?”
“Bless yer, no, guv’nor.”
“Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire.”
* * *
A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile: “I’m selling thimbles to raise enough money to–”
“Out with you,” interrupted the man.
“Wouldn’t you like to look at some nice thimbles?”
“I should say not!”
“They’re fine, and I’d like to make a sale,” the boy continued.
Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically inquired: “What ‘n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a thimble?”
Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: “Use it for a hat.”
* * *
The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done intentionally.
“Well,” he growled, “don’t eat me up.”
“You are in no danger, sir,” she said. “I am a Jewess.”
* * *
Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of hobnails. “One thing suah,” he ruminated. “If Ah falls overboard, Ah suttinly will go down at ‘tenshun.”
* * *
BLOOD RELATIONS
Actor: “Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?”
Fulpurse: “Yes; they are ever bleeding me.”
* * *
There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and a cab.
The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: “Oh, well,[Pg 330] you can’t help it! You’re doin’ yer bit, you an’ yer ‘orse and yer blankety cabs all over age!”
“You’re doin’ yer bit, too, ain’t yer?” was the cabby’s rejoinder, “a’carrying of two lots o’ wood-one in yer cart an’ the other under yer blinkin’ ‘at!”
* * *
SCOTCHED!
A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,
“Jock, there’s a fly in yer parritch.”
“That disna’ matter,” replied Jock gloomily, “it’ll no’ droon.”
The farmer stared at him. “What do ye mean?” he asked angrily; “that’s as much as sayin’ ye hav’na’ enough mulk.”
“Oh,” replied Jock still more gloomily, “there’s mair than enough for all the parritch I have.”
* * *
THE BRUTE!
Mrs. Newlywed: “What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave me, Archie?”
Mr. Newlywed: “‘Faithful to the last,’ my dear!”
Mrs. Newlywed: “Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first.”
* * *
THE WHOLE TRUTH
Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a “refresher” during working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss.
“Hallo!” said the boss, pleasantly, “were you looking for me?”
“Ay,” answered Angus, “I wis looking for ye, but I didna’ want tae see ye.”
* * *
THE CONSUMER INFLAMED
“Ever get any nice butter?” queried old Grumpy.
“Supply in every day,” replied his provision merchant suavely.
“Then why in thunder don’t you sell it?” asked Grumpy.
* * *
HOW HE DID IT
First Theatrical Manager: “Do you have any trouble with the girl who is playing the flapper in your new show?”
Second Theatrical Manager: “No; if she attempts to be skittish I just threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenants in the army.”
* * *
REALITY
A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon.
“Why weren’t you at church this morning?” was the first question of the spiritual adviser.
“I couldn’t come,” was the answer. “I had to stop at home and mind the baby; our nurse is ill.”
“That’s no excuse,” said the pastor.
“It isn’t? Well, next Sunday I’ll bring him to church with me and see how you like it.”
* * *
PURE CARELESSNESS
It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.
“My good man,” said one kindly lady, “I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults.”
“I have that, mum,” replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. “Believe me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves.”
* * *
A LEVEL-HEADED CAR
Irate Motorist: “Say, this darned car won’t climb a hill! You said it was a fine machine!”
Dealer: “I said: ‘On the level it’s a good car.'”
* * *
SUSPICIOUS
It was while on manœuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.
“Look here, my man,” said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, “are you quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird? Will you swear to him?”
“No, I won’t do that,” replied the farmer, “but I will say he’s the man I suspect o’ doing it.”
“That’s not enough to convict a man,” retorted the C. O., considerably nettled. “What raised your suspicions?”
“Well,” replied the sturdy yeoman, “it was this way-I see ‘im on my property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see ‘im putting the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn’t seem sense nohow to think the bird committed suicide.”
* * *
A WONDER!
“That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss,” remarked Brown.
“That so?” asked Smith.
“Yes,” replied Brown. “Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and not have a solitary symptom of some disease.”
* * *
IN A FIX
Mrs. Muggins: “It’s raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can’t I let her have yours?”
Mr. Muggins: “Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband’s name on the handle.”
* * *
SUCKED!
It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the picture palace.
On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to him, and said, angrily, “Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; it’s so rude when people are about!”
“Don’t thee talk so silly,” he replied in aggrieved tones. “It’s my rubber ‘eel pads that’s causing that noise!”
* * *
HALF AND HALF
Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.
Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of withering scorn: “If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up.”
The little conductor calmly replied: “Shure, ma’am, if ye was half a woman I would!”
* * *
REVENGE IS SWEET
“Yes,” proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, “all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house[Pg 335] doctor was a base hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the pages were cadets.”
“And have you any former military police?” he was asked.
“Yes,” he replied joyously. “When there’s a good stiff wind blowing we set them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!”
* * *
NO EFFECT
“You tell me,” said the judge, “that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?”
“I did,” returned the complainant, eagerly, “but he only swore back at me and drove on.”
* * *
A FUTURE FINANCIER
“Ma,” exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, “Mrs. Johnson said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!”
“I never heard of such a thing!” answered his mother indignantly. “You’re a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn’t have her think I even mentioned her. Here’s an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little lad!”
“I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her that what you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!”
* * *
A BAD CASE
“Rather absent-minded, isn’t he?”
“Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was something he wanted to do, but he couldn’t remember what it was until he had sat up over an hour trying to think.”
“And did he finally remember it?”
“Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early.”
* * *
BLACK SUPERSTITION
Architect: “Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?”
Quickrich: “Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown study.”
* * *
HALF A DUCK DEEP
Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.
“No,” replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.
When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: “I thought you said it wasn’t deep?”
“It isn’t,” was the reply; “it only takes grandfather’s ducks up to their middles!”
* * *
COULDN’T RESIST IT
“Look here,” began the youth, as he entered a butcher’s shop, and displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, “you have fresh beef for sale?”
“I have,” responded the butcher.
“And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?”
“It is.”
“Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef. Do you think you can sell me a pound or so without asking how I got ornamented?”
“I’ll do my best, sir.”
The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money without another look at his customer. At the last moment, however, the old Adam proved too strong for him.
“Look here,” he said, handing back the cash, “I’ll make you a present of the beef. Now tell me all about the fight.”
* * *
“Do you know anything about palmistry, Herbert?” she asked.
“Oh, not much,” he answered, “although I had an experience last night which might be considered a remarkable example of palmistry. I happened to glance at the hand of a friend, and I immediately predicted he would presently become the possessor of a considerable amount of money. Before he left the room he had a nice little sum handed to him.”
“And you foretold that from his hand?”
“Yes, it had four aces in it.”
* * *
Young Harold was late for Sunday-school and the minister inquired the cause. “I was going fishing, but father wouldn’t let me,” announced the lad.
“That’s the right kind of a father to have,” replied the reverend gentleman. “Did he explain the reason why he would not let you go?”
“Yes, sir. He said there wasn’t bait enough for two.”
* * *
“My good man, you had better take the trolley car home.”
“Sh’ no ushe! My wife wouldn’t let me-hic-keep it in th’ house.”
* * *
Mrs. Newlywed: “Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open and the draught has shut my cookery book, so that now I haven’t the faintest idea what it is I’m cooking.”
* * *
“Goin’ in that house over there?” said the first tramp.
“I tried that house last week. I ain’t goin’ there any more,” replied Tramp No. 2.
“‘Fraid on account of the dog?”
“Me trousers are.”
“Trousers are what?”
“Frayed on account of the dog.”