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‘Find those puppies! NOW!’ ‘The humans have tried everything. Now it’s up to us dogs.’ 1;Congratulations. You’ve just won gold, silver and bronze in the moron olympics. 2;Who won the gold? Did you hear that? What? That noise. What noise? That noise I just heard. Do you hear it? Oh yeah. Sounded like an annoying … Read more

Without you, I’m as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. I have gift anxiety, even through I don’t know when your birthday is. We can spend perfect days shopping and cleaning together. I swear, I’ll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while parallel parking. If … Read more

–Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. –The one with Newman and McQueen? –Newman and Redford. –You smoke? –Not anymore. If you were smart, you’d quit, too. –I know. It’s a filthy habit. Hazardous to your health, offensive to everyone around you. And do I have to remind you about evidence obtained under duress? Anything I … Read more