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Daily Quick Break: February 2, 2008: Jack Handy Quotes & Deep Thoughts

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Funny, not so Inspirational Sayings of Jack Handy (or Jack Handey)

I always thought Jack Handy was a fictional character created by the Saturday Night Live writers. I thought they got together and wrote “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy”. But it turns out,Jack Handey is a real person, and a comedy writer who wrote for a few different shows, including Saturday Night Live, and also wrote for some magazines. This is a collection of some of his funniest, strangest, most bizarre and most inspirational (not so much)

PAge 2: Jack Handy Deep Thoughts Quotes.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won’t bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I’d rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, “I swallowed it. So sue me.”

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Daily Quick Break: January 23, 2008: The Best Jack Handey Funny Quotes

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Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed.

Funny, not so Inspirational Sayings of Jack Handey (or Jack Handy)I always thought Jack Handy was a fictional character created by the Saturday Night Live writers. I thought they got together and wrote “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy”. But it turns out,Jack Handey is a real person, and a comedy writer who wrote for a few different shows, including Saturday Night Live, and also wrote for some magazines. This is a collection of some of his funniest, strangest, most bizarre and most inspirational (not so much)

page 5 : Jack Handy Deep Thoughts Quotes.

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain—unless there’s lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn’t pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren’t many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor’s bills were real high.

To read the rest, go to: The Best Jack Handey Funny Quotes

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Daily Quick Break: December 21, 2007: Best Funny Jack Handy Quotes

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Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed.

The Best, Funny, not so Inspirational Sayings of Jack Handey (or Jack Handy)

I always thought Jack Handy was a fictional character created by the Saturday Night Live writers. I thought they got together and wrote “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy”. But it turns out,Jack Handey is a real person, and a comedy writer who wrote for a few different shows, including Saturday Night Live, and also wrote for some magazines. This is a collection of some of his funniest, strangest, most bizarre and most inspirational (not so much)

Page 6: Jack Handy Deep Thoughts Quotes.

If you’re a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, “Boy, these are good cigars!”

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the team, aren’t I?” “Well,” said Coach, “you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.” It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don’t think I’d call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp’s gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he’d spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he’d yell out, “Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!” We all thought he was crazy.

To read the rest, go to: Best Funny Jack Handy Quotes

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