Funny, not so Inspirational Quotes and Sayings of Jack Handey (or Jack Handy)I always thought Jack Handy was a fictional character created by the Saturday Night Live writers. I thought they got together and wrote “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy”. But it turns out,Jack Handey is a real person, and a comedy writer who wrote for a few different shows, including Saturday Night Live, and also wrote for some magazines. This is a collection of some of his funniest, strangest, most bizarre and most inspirational (not so much)
Page 4 : Jack Handy Deep Thoughts Quotes.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmmmmm, boy.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
Just because swans mate for life, I don’t think its that big a deal. First of all, if you’re a swan, you’re probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you’ve got, so why not mate for life?
If you’re robbing a bank and you’re pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, “Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?” or “Do you have that $50 you borrowed?” Man, quit being so cheap!
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having making babies.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I’ll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn’t get more meat, I’ll just say, “Oh, you mean this?” and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I’ve hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can’t get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you’re talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you…
Page Topic: Funniest Jack Handey Sayings