(Jeremy in Bed) What the FUCKS going on here..
(Jeremy) I hope you crash your bike and break your two front teeth, while you leave me here in the trenches takin’ grenades you selfish son-of-a-bitch!!
–Hell of a season, pal.
–Hell of a season.
…Harry Potter, if he existed…
1) Why you got the weird look all over your face? 2) Claire’s mom just made me grab her hooters. 2) Well snap out of it.
1)JEREMY TRIED TO SEDUCE ME!!!
1)I want my painting back!
3)The painting was a gift Todd, I’m taking it with me!
1. It wouldn’t kill you to play some competitive sports once in a while. 2(bitterly) Would that make you love me?
1. Yeah, Dad, Dad always thought I would be a political liability in case he ever ran for President. 2. Now, now Todd. Truth be told, polling shows that most Americans would ultimately empathize with our situation. 1. What is our situation, Dad? 3. You are a homo.
And then I realized, they thought I was God…and you know what? I thought I was God too.
And then, of course, you can challege the Klingons for interstellar domination, right?
Assistant: Here’s Your Sleeping bag. Jeremy: Thanks. Assistant:What’s it for? Jeremy: Every year I sleep over at John’s house for his birthday. Assistant: Ohl, thats not creepy. Jeremy: Well I guess its a little creepy that his best friend make a vow to never let him spend his birthday alone after his parents tragically died one month before his birthday…then yes I guess it is creepy. Assistant:I’m so sorry your so kind…I have the perfect girl for you!
bite your tongue boy
But the wife, elenor.. Big Dyke.. A real rug muncher… She looked like a big, lesbian mule..
Call me Cat. Kitty Cat.
Chaz come pick up your FUCKIN SKATEBOARD
Chaz: Just livin the dream
Claire’s mom just made me touch her hooters. Jeremy; How were they, are they real? Did you play the motor boat? John; What is the matter with you? Jeremy; Hey you weren’t the one being played with in front of the whole family.
Come on, Secretary?-I’m sorry Sack but I’ve got to support my daughter on this one.-Okay you don’t know shit.
Crabcakes and football! That is what Marlyand does!
Dad: C’mon, Todd…Come play some competitive sports… Todd: OH WOULD THAT MAKE YOU LOVE ME?!?!
Dad: You know…Shes not just another notch…in the old belt. Jeremy: …I don’t even wear a belt. Beltless…heh..
death you are my bitch lover!!
DEATH YOU ARE MY BITCH LOVER!!!
you tell that mean ocean toddy!
Death!! you are my bitch lover!!
Did you do the motorboat?
Did you do the motorboat? You did you sick bastared. Are they built for speed or comfort, speed or comfort?
did you do the Motorboat? You Motorboatin son of a bitch you.. you old salor!
did you do the motorboat??? bbbrrrbbbbbrrrrrrrrr
Did you motorboat em?…You did didn’t you?…You motorboating son-of-a-bitch, you!!
Do you do the ass out hug?
Do you ever think that what we’re doing is…I don’t wanna say sleezy, cause that’s not the right word.
Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts.
Everytime you talk, I start from scratch.
Families coming together. That’s a nice moment.
football and crabcrakes, that’s what Maryland does.
Gloria: Never leave me Jeremy: Never Gloria: Cause ill Find you!!!!
Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly
Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly!
Guys, the real enemy here is the instutution of marriage. It’s not realistic. It’s crazy!
her name is CHASTITY….SHE’S WHITETRASH!
hes threatened by the way i dance
why did i have to go and show off like that
Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet a real mensch, Chuck Schwartz.
Holy Shirts and Pants.
I almost just nunchucked you, you don’t even realize!
I always knew my first time would be on a beach! Jeremy: first time? We’re gonna be soo happy together! I love you! Jeremy: I’m sorry?
I apologize to you if I don’t seem eager to jump into a forced, akward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, wondering Do I have food on my face? Am I eating, am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I’m not really interested. Should I play like I’m interested? But I’m not that interested. But I think she might be interested. But do I want to be interested? Now she’s not interested. So all of the sudden I’m starting to get interested. And when am I supposed to kiss her. Do I have to wait for the door cuz’ then it’s akward. It’s like Well, goodnight. Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you hug each other and the ass sticks out because you’re trying not to get too close. Or do you just go right in and kiss em’ on the lips? Or you don’t kiss em’ at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering , Are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? And perhaps play a little game called, Just the tip in. Just for a second. Just to see how it feels. Or Ouch, ouch. You’re on my hair. … Great talk.
I bet that blonde was a shot of life.
I don’t even know what the fuck a quail is!
I felt like Jodie Foster in ‘The Accused’ last night.
i guess you could say my career is living, and loving. and i do that to the utmost. some of you are just going to float along, ating spicy foods, humming black peoples music into your 30’s…well into your 30’s. languishing, this group of pds is going to do a lot of languishing. and youre going to take some heat for it. sadly, you will. europes a litle easier, they seem to understand a little better. so does south america. i went to argentina one time, and everyone just seemed to be sitting around, it was beautiful. but thats ok, you stay loose, you stay liquid. laugh a lot. but be ready. thats what dupree’s doing with his lifes little pod. staying nimble. till i get the call from the mothership. my raison detat. then id fight. then you’ll see dupreee coming in here throwing 7 different kinds of smoke.
I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid. His name was Shiloh. We used to play chess and he would always let me win.
I had my sock duck taped to mouth. thats right shoved into my mouth and duck taped. The same sock I ran around in all day, played football in, sweated in
I just almost nunchucked you. You don’t even REALIZE.
I love maple syrup! I love maple syrup on pancakes, I love it on pizza. I wanna take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I’ve had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick!
I made you a painting. I call it Celebration. It is both sexual…..and VIOLENT
i think i had him
I think we only use ten percent of our hearts.
I was about to Numb-Chuck you ass!
I’ll be up in my room…painting homo things.
I’m a little to traumatized to eat a scone.
I’m an idea man.
I’m gonna go ice my balls and spit up blood now.
I’m sorry that i’m not sorry. I’m a cocksman.
im not asking you to marry me, im just asking you… not to marry him!
Im not Perfect… But hey who we kidding neither are you.
Im sorry Im not sorry!
It was a gift, and I’m taking it with me.
It’s two-hand touch how come everytime i turn around your on your ass
Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager
to jump into a forced, awkward, intimate situation
that people like to call dating. I don’t like the
feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering, do I
have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too
much, are they talking enough, am I interested, I’m
not really interseted but should I play like I’m
interested but I’m not that interested, but I think
she might be interested but do I wanna be interested
but now she’s not interested so now all of sudden I’m
starting to get interested? Or am I supposed to kiss
her? Do I have to wait for the door? Kiss her off
and say, Well goodnight? Do you do like the ass out
hug where like you hug each other like this and the
ass sticks out because you’re trying not to get too
close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the
lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult
trying to read the situation. And all the while
you’re just really wondering, are we going to get
hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps
play a little game called just the tip. Just for a
second. Just to see how it feels. Or ouch ouch,
you’re on my hair. Okay, thank you, Janice… great
Jeremy Grey: Have you ever shot one of these things before?
John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we’ve known each other I’ve been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don’t even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: I look totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn’t see me?
John Beckwith: I know. Why can’t we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Grey: That’d be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That’ll get you jacked up.
John Beckwith: That’s a little heavy.
Jeremy Grey: I mean like, hunt a human being right now, most dangerous game. Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that’s armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.
Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That’s an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They’re overpopulated in this region and they’re decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not as much as I do with your attire, or just your general point of view toward everybody here. But hey, lets go kill some birds. I’m psyched.
Jeremy Klein: Oh, yeah, an older women made you feel her cans? Try getting jacked off at the dinner table in front of the whole family.
Jeremy: Hahahaha… It feels so good when he jokes.
Jeremy: I’m gonna make you a bike. I don’t want to make you a bike.
Jeremy: No, we did not have a moment.
Jeremy: I had a long night. John: Soft mattress? Jeremy: Yeah, could be that. Or the midnight rape or the nude gay art show that took place in my room…..
Jeremy: let’s ne two brothers from Vermont immerging Maple Syrup conglomerate John: Thats stupid we don’t know anything about maple syrup Jeremy: I happen to know everything there is to know about Maple syrup. I love maple syrup i put it on panccakes, i put it on pizza, i i even sprinkle some in my hair… what do ya think keeps it up slick?
Jeremy: Lock it up John: You lock it up Jeremy: No you lock it up, lock it up now. John: no you lock it up
Jeremy: So were they made for speed or for comfort?
Jeremy: We gotta go. I got a stage five clinger. I’m gonna go start the car…..I don’t think you understand the seriousness of the situation, stage five VIRGIN clinger.
John: Get Out! hillybilly! Jeremy:What? John:That’s right…White Trash! Jermey: You better get your fucking ass to that wedding.
John: We lost a lot of good men out there Women: Playing for the Yankees? John:…Well.. yeah throgh trades, free agency, and unruly fans
John: Wow, FDR that’s prett impressive
Grandma: Yeah, well that wife of his was a reaaaal DIKE. I mean a big lesbian. That’s right, a big fat rug muncher…
John: You met her at a funeral?
Chaz: Yeah, these chicks are crazy horny. Its not even fair. Its like fishing with dynamite.
John:Im just coming to check in on the big guy and to tell you that we’re going out on a bike ride to the beach. Jeremy: Oh real nice I hope you flip your bike and knock out your two front teeth you selfish son of a bitch!
John:Thrown the ball to Claire, let her get the interception…you think you can do that? Jeremy:John, I was first team All-State I can put the ball wherever I want to…I can make it rain out here.
just eye fucked me
Just two kids that like to fuck trying to make it honest.
Let explain it like I’ll-hold-your-hand-like-a-child, I’m not going.
Let’s go shoot some birds. I’m psyched.
Let’s not take a trip to negative town, now
Let’s play a little game called ‘just the tip.’ Just to see if it feels good.
Like white on rice
Little Ms. Proper just eye f***ed the s*** out of me
Lock it up
lock it up! YOU LOCK IT UP!
Look at her she’s like a fucking kid at Toys R Us
Lost so many good men out there.
Ma, the meatloaf!
Mom the meatloaf…FUCK!!
Mr. Secretary, they just grow up so damn fast.
Mrs. Cleary just made me feel her hooters.
Na Girls with hats tend to be more proper…….Well, that proper girl in the hat just eye fucked the shit out of me.
Oh yeah, try getting jerked off under the table during family dinner… Jack Ass!
Really? how’d they feel.. did you do the motor boat..brrrrrrrrbbbrrrrr. You ol’ sailor you…
Rule #115, Never abandon a fellow crasher in a funny suit
Rule #115: Never walk away from a fellow crasher wearing a funny jacket.
Rule #15: Give me an up-to-date family tree.
Rule #1: Never leave a fellow crasher behind.
Rule #5: You’re an idiot.
Rule #76: No excuses! Play like a champion!
Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion.
Rule number five, your an idiot!
Share that with the Dhali Lama you jackass!!
She sends her best from the grave.
She was my first asian!
snap out of it
Take it, hyena. Don’t say thank you.
Tattoo on the lower back. Might as well be a bulls-eye.
That girl over there just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
That’s not how you fuckin’ treat cake-you gotta treat cake like a lady!!
Thats what we call a sacked lunch! Mmmnnmmnnmmnmnmn
The great philosopher once said that we’re all connected…me, you, my Uncle Harry, the fat kid from what’s happening, Harry Potter if he exists, my cheek is your cheek, and my lips (are my lips)…
The great philosopher Shoppenhower once said that we’re all connected…me, you, my Uncle Harry, the fat kid from what’s happening, Harry Potter if he exists, my cheek is your cheek, and my lips (are my lips)…
The painting was a gift Todd, I’m taking it with me.
The painting was a gift Todd. I’m taking it with me.
The wedding had to be fun!
There is no room for error.
There you go, ya hyena. Don’t say thank you.
Todd, why don’t you come over here and play a little football, it wouldn’t hurt you to do a little physical activity…
… Oh really Dad, will that make you love me!
Todd: JEREMY TRIED TO SEDUCE ME!!…I want my painting back!! Jeremy: The painting was a gift, Todd. Im taking it with me.
Todd: What IS our Situation, DAD??!! Grandma: …Your…a homo.
True love is the soul’s recognition of its counterpart.
True love is the soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in another.
True love is the souls recognition of it’s counterpoint in another.
True love is the souls recognition of its counter-point in another
Venture capitalist. The backbone of the system.
We both know I’m a phenomonal dancer.
We have no way of knowing what lays ahead for us in the future. All we can do is use the information at hand to make the best decision possible.
We lost a lot of good men out there.
Whatd ya have to eat? Crabcakes. I love crabcakes! How can you not have a good time eatin crabcakes?!
Whats up toast?
Where they built for comfort of for speed? You give her the motorboat? You did didn’t you, you gave her the motorboat, you motorboating son-of-a-bitch. You old sailer you!
Where’s your Dalai Lama now, BITCH!
Why does Grandma have a gun?
why dont you just feed me to the lions
step on my head when im drowning
would you say your totally full of shit or just fifty percent? I hope just fifty percent, but who knows!
Wow, we’re getting a nice preview of what marriage is gonna to be like with Ike Turner here.
Yeah i got a problem, i got a problem with your outfit and your general attitude towards everybody.. but lets go shoot some birds, i am pschyed!
Yeah, I just got her yesterday. Yesterday? Yeah, I rode my bike down to the cemetery. The cemetery? Yeah, her boyfriend just died in a hang gliding accident. What a loser! Ahhh, I’m hang gliding, ahh, honey take a picture, ahhh I’M DEAD.!
You better shut your mouth when youâ€™re talking to me!
You know I do not look good.
You met her at a funeral?
You shut your mouth when you’re talkin’ to me!
You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!
You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.
you shut your mouth when your talking to me!
Your a Homo! – Grandma
Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius.
Your sisters boyfriend just got done dry humping my ass up and down the field all afternoon.
Zack: Claire, get your fucking ass up there now! John: I guess we know what marriage is going to be like with Ike Turner here.
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Wedding Crashers’: Quotes from the movie ‘Wedding Crashers’