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These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor book.

Here are a few dating jokes:

I was walking to school one day, when suddenly a beautiful woman cut my eye.

I fell in love with her the first time I sawed her.

She had a husky’s voice.

I told her a joke and then she started smelling widely.

He had such a worm heart.

To read the rest, go to: Romance: The Beginning

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These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor book.

I can usually know when he is lying
Because he starts to breed a little faster.

I think she wants to spit up with me.

We were lovers,
but now she is my biggest enema!

We have hated each other for so long.
I want to borrow the hatchet.

My relationship with my
ax girlfriend was so painful.These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor book.

To read the rest, go to: Romance: The End

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These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor book.

From New English Language Students

10. I fell in love with her the first time I sawed her.

9. He had such a worm heart.

8. We were two sheeps passing in the night.

7. We have hated each other for so long. I want to borrow the hatchet.

To read the rest, go to: Top 10 Most Romantic Mistakes

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Here are some funny love quotes and quips from famous celebrities:

The Japanese have a word for it. It’s Judo — the art of conquering by yielding. The Western equivalent of judo is, ‘Yes, dear.’
J. P. McEvoy

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.
Jon BonJovi

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

Page Topic: Funny Quotes and Quips

To read the rest, go to: Funny Love Quotes and Quips

Wife: You know that young couple next door? He’s so sweet to her. Every morning he kisses her goodbye, and every evening he brings her flowers. Why can’t you do that?
Husband: Okay, but if she falls for me remember you started it.

Sometimes my girfriend switches roles and gets really aggressive and dominant and powerful. The other day she came home and as soon as she walked in she totally ordered me to take off her shirt. Then she was like “Now take off my skirt, biatch!”  Then she ordered me to never wear her clothes again.
Baby, am I the first guy you ever made love to?
Why does everyone always ask me that?

Honey, I don’t mind if you go out with the guys, but what the hell are you doing coming home at 2 am half drunk?
I ran out of money.

A woman was in bed with her husband’s best friend when the phone rang. She answered it and then said “That was my husband. But don’t worry, he won’t be home for a while. He’s playing cards with you.”

 “Now as I said two weeks ago”, the minister said to the three couples wanting to join his rather strict church, “the final requirement was for you to go two weeks without sex, to show you are serious about joining. He then asked the elderly couple, “Were you able to abstain for 2 weeks?”

“Two weeks? Try two decades” said the husband.
“Great, then you can join our church. And how about you two?” The minister asked a middle aged couple.
“Yes, we made it,” the wife said. “Although the second week my husband had to sleep on the couch”.
“Wonderful” said the minister. “Welcome to our church.  And how about you two?” he asked the newly weds. “Were you able to abstain for two weeks?”
“Well”, said the husband, “We did pretty good at first. But a couple of hours after we met with you my wife dropped a light bulb, and when she bent down to pick it up, I just couldn’t resist.”
“I’m sorry. But unfortunately that means you aren’t welcome in our church”. 
“That’s okay” said the husband. “We aren’t welcome back to the hardware store either.”

Page topic: Valentine’s Jokes: Funny romance relationship, dating, love and marriage jokes.

Same planet, different worlds? Probably just about everyone has had some relationship moments that felt like that.  Here’s a case in point:

Her Diary

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

To read the rest, go to: Relationships jokes: Her Diary and His Diary

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Here is a list of rules that men secretly wish women followed. If you don’t believe it, ask your guy, but first convince him he won’t get in trouble for being honest.

Rules For Women

This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew…

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.

2. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don’t make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you.

To read the rest, go to: Rules for women: A Funny List of Rules that Men wish Women Knew

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Much like a credit score, Your relationship score has serious consequences. With a high score, you can sometimes borrow from it, even heavily, without any big problems. For instance, if you have a lot of points accrued, you can probably get away with coming home very late at night, after being out with the boys all night.  You will definitely lose points, but you probably won’t go much below zero for long.  On the other hand, if you already are in the negative points, or are close to zero, there is very little freedom and leeway for you to lose points. It’s much more pressure and less enjoyable. 

So, here’s a points guide to help you see how you are gaining and losing points:

So, in the relationship game, the scoring actually works very simply: Make her happy, you get points. Make her unhappy, you lose points.  Do something she likes, SCORE. Do something she doesn’t like, lose points.  Unfortunately, you don’t get any points for doing nice things that she expects you to do. Because of this, some risky point chasers have found that if they STOP doing things that earn points temporarily, it can increase the point value of things that were previously taken for granted.  Buy her flowers every week, within a year, you don’t get points for that, but you actually lose points if you skip a week.  However, if you seldom buy her flowers, they serve as a quick point booster. particularly if you are planning anythying that could create a point deficit.

 The difficulty can come in trying to discern what will gain points and what will lose. She is a complicated mystery. As are her hormones.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

    * You make the bed…..+1
    * You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…..0
    * You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…..-1

    * You leave the toilet seat up…..-5
    * You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty…..0
    * When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…..-1
    * When the Kleenex runs out you use the nex t bathroom…. ; -2
    * You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5
    * In the snow …..+8
    * But return with beer…..-5
    * And no liners…..-25

    * You check out a suspicious noise at night…..0
    * You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing…..0
    * You check out a suspicious noise and it is something…..+5
    * You pummel it with a six iron…..+10
    * It’s her cat…..-40

AT THE PARTY

    * You stay by her side the entire party…..0
    * You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old drinking buddy…..-2
    * Named Tiffany…..-4
    * Tiffany is a dancer…..-10
    * With breast implants…..-18

HER BIRTHDAY

    * You remember her birthday…..0
    * You buy a card and flowers…..0
    * You take her out to dinner…..0
    * You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar…..+1
    * Okay, it is a sports bar…..-2
    * And it’s all-you-can-eat night…..-3
    * It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and you r face is painted the colors of your favorite team ¦.-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

    * Go with a pal…..0
    * The pal is happily married…..+1
    * The pal is single…..-7
    * He drives a Ferrari…..-10
    * With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)…..-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

    * You take her to a movie…..+2
    * You take her to a movie she likes…..+4
    * You take her to a movie you hate…..+6
    * You take her to a movie you like…..-2
    * It’s called Death Cop III…..-3
    * Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls…..-9
    * You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…..-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

    * You develop a noticeable pot belly…..-15
    * You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it…..+10
    * You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…..-30
    * You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”…..-800

THE BIG QUESTION

    * She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
    * You hesitate in responding…..-10
    * You reply, “Where?”…..-35
    * You reply, “No, I think it’s your ass”…..-100
    * Any other response…..-20

COMMUNICATION

    * When she wants to talk about a problem:
    * You listen, displaying a concerned expression…..0
    * You listen, for over 30 minutes…..+5
    * You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…..+50
    * Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, “…well, what do you think I should do?”…..-100
    * You have fallen asleep…..-200

IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

    * You talk…..-100
    * You don’t talk…..-150
    * You spend time with her……-200
    * You don’t spend time with her…..-500
    * You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000

GAME OVER. YOU LOSE.

Page Topic: Funny Rules for Guys: How men score points and lose points with women 

Every have trouble understanding what the opposite sex is thinking? This short, handy guide helps you translate what they are saying into what they are meaning. Read it, learn it, and check it out for yourself. You will never misunderstand or have communication problems again.

Translation Dictionary of Women’s English.

* Yes………………………

To read the rest, go to: Men and Women Translation Dictionary

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Ever have trouble decoding personal dating ads or online dating profiles? Well, this handy guide will help clarify any confusion, helping you intelligently and informatively wade through all the personal ads and dating profiles so you can choose the right person for you. Take a look.

40-ish…………………………….49.

To read the rest, go to: Translation Dictionary for decoding personal ads and dating profiles

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