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These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor book.

Here are a few dating jokes:

I was walking to school one day, when suddenly a beautiful woman cut my eye.

I fell in love with her the first time I sawed her.

She had a husky’s voice.

I told her a joke and then she started smelling widely.

He had such a worm heart.

To read the rest, go to: Romance: The Beginning

Quick Break Pic of the Day. Caption this Pic!

These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor book.

I can usually know when he is lying
Because he starts to breed a little faster.

I think she wants to spit up with me.

We were lovers,
but now she is my biggest enema!

We have hated each other for so long.
I want to borrow the hatchet.

My relationship with my
ax girlfriend was so painful.These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor book.

To read the rest, go to: Romance: The End

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These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor book.

From New English Language Students

10. I fell in love with her the first time I sawed her.

9. He had such a worm heart.

8. We were two sheeps passing in the night.

7. We have hated each other for so long. I want to borrow the hatchet.

To read the rest, go to: Top 10 Most Romantic Mistakes

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Here are some funny love quotes and quips from famous celebrities:

The Japanese have a word for it. It’s Judo — the art of conquering by yielding. The Western equivalent of judo is, ‘Yes, dear.’
J. P. McEvoy

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.
Jon BonJovi

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

Page Topic: Funny Quotes and Quips

To read the rest, go to: Funny Love Quotes and Quips

Same planet, different worlds? Probably just about everyone has had some relationship moments that felt like that.  Here’s a case in point:

Her Diary

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

To read the rest, go to: Relationships jokes: Her Diary and His Diary

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Much like a credit score, Your relationship score has serious consequences. With a high score, you can sometimes borrow from it, even heavily, without any big problems. For instance, if you have a lot of points accrued, you can probably get away with coming home very late at night, after being out with the boys all night.  You will definitely lose points, but you probably won’t go much below zero for long.  On the other hand, if you already are in the negative points, or are close to zero, there is very little freedom and leeway for you to lose points. It’s much more pressure and less enjoyable. 

So, here’s a points guide to help you see how you are gaining and losing points:

So, in the relationship game, the scoring actually works very simply: Make her happy, you get points. Make her unhappy, you lose points.  Do something she likes, SCORE. Do something she doesn’t like, lose points.  Unfortunately, you don’t get any points for doing nice things that she expects you to do. Because of this, some risky point chasers have found that if they STOP doing things that earn points temporarily, it can increase the point value of things that were previously taken for granted.  Buy her flowers every week, within a year, you don’t get points for that, but you actually lose points if you skip a week.  However, if you seldom buy her flowers, they serve as a quick point booster. particularly if you are planning anythying that could create a point deficit.

 The difficulty can come in trying to discern what will gain points and what will lose. She is a complicated mystery. As are her hormones.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

    * You make the bed…..+1
    * You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…..0
    * You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…..-1

    * You leave the toilet seat up…..-5
    * You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty…..0
    * When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…..-1
    * When the Kleenex runs out you use the nex t bathroom…. ; -2
    * You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5
    * In the snow …..+8
    * But return with beer…..-5
    * And no liners…..-25

    * You check out a suspicious noise at night…..0
    * You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing…..0
    * You check out a suspicious noise and it is something…..+5
    * You pummel it with a six iron…..+10
    * It’s her cat…..-40

AT THE PARTY

    * You stay by her side the entire party…..0
    * You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old drinking buddy…..-2
    * Named Tiffany…..-4
    * Tiffany is a dancer…..-10
    * With breast implants…..-18

HER BIRTHDAY

    * You remember her birthday…..0
    * You buy a card and flowers…..0
    * You take her out to dinner…..0
    * You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar…..+1
    * Okay, it is a sports bar…..-2
    * And it’s all-you-can-eat night…..-3
    * It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and you r face is painted the colors of your favorite team ¦.-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

    * Go with a pal…..0
    * The pal is happily married…..+1
    * The pal is single…..-7
    * He drives a Ferrari…..-10
    * With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)…..-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

    * You take her to a movie…..+2
    * You take her to a movie she likes…..+4
    * You take her to a movie you hate…..+6
    * You take her to a movie you like…..-2
    * It’s called Death Cop III…..-3
    * Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls…..-9
    * You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…..-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

    * You develop a noticeable pot belly…..-15
    * You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it…..+10
    * You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…..-30
    * You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”…..-800

THE BIG QUESTION

    * She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
    * You hesitate in responding…..-10
    * You reply, “Where?”…..-35
    * You reply, “No, I think it’s your ass”…..-100
    * Any other response…..-20

COMMUNICATION

    * When she wants to talk about a problem:
    * You listen, displaying a concerned expression…..0
    * You listen, for over 30 minutes…..+5
    * You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…..+50
    * Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, “…well, what do you think I should do?”…..-100
    * You have fallen asleep…..-200

IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

    * You talk…..-100
    * You don’t talk…..-150
    * You spend time with her……-200
    * You don’t spend time with her…..-500
    * You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000

GAME OVER. YOU LOSE.

Page Topic: Funny Rules for Guys: How men score points and lose points with women 

Every have trouble understanding what the opposite sex is thinking? This short, handy guide helps you translate what they are saying into what they are meaning. Read it, learn it, and check it out for yourself. You will never misunderstand or have communication problems again.

Translation Dictionary of Women’s English.

* Yes………………………

To read the rest, go to: Men and Women Translation Dictionary

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Ever have trouble decoding personal dating ads or online dating profiles? Well, this handy guide will help clarify any confusion, helping you intelligently and informatively wade through all the personal ads and dating profiles so you can choose the right person for you. Take a look.

40-ish…………………………….49.

To read the rest, go to: Translation Dictionary for decoding personal ads and dating profiles

Quick Break Pic of the Day:

Chaka and his Boss 

Chaka got hired by an American dictionary company to help them with their new dictionary for his language.  They had a tight deadline and he was working really long hours.  He was feeling more and more run down, and finally day around lunch he goes into his supervisor’s office and said “Sorry boss. Can’t keep working today. Don’t feel good.”  His supervisor said “You have been working hard. You’re married aren’t you? You know what I do when I’m feeling tired of working? I go buy a single long stem red rose, a bottle of good wine and some fine chocolate.  Then I go home to my wife, and give her a soft sweet kiss on the cheek. Then I start to kiss her neck. Then I lead her over to the couch, put my hand on her knee, and give her a really long, passionate kiss.  And then, well, let’s just say  an hour or two later, I’m feeling great, and ready to come back to work again. Works every time.

So Chaka leaves and a couple of hours later he comes in and he’s got a big smile on his face and he looks much happier and more relaxed.  And his boss said “well, it looks like you took my advice”.  And Chaka said “I sure did. Thanks, boss. I feel a lot better now.  By the way, you have nice house.”
I once dated a girl who was a magician. She put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.

The Pharmacist
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
“Hey. Nice earring. How long have you been wearing an earring?” “Ever since my wife found it in the car.”

 The Husband and the Snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?” He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They talked for a few hours, and then she kissed him.  He suddenly realized that to stay with her might end his marriage with his beloved wife. Things weren’t exciting anymore, be he did love her.  He apologized, excused himself, grabbed his bucket, and ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!!”

Page topic: Funny sex jokes, dating jokes and romance and relationship jokes

Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives.

Bitter, disillusioned SM recently rejected by longtime fiancee seeks decent, reliable woman, If such a thing exists in this cruel world of hatchet faced witches.

OBSESSIVE, COMPULSIVE, NEUROTIC, ANTI-SOCIAL, MANIC and PARANOID, but BASICALLY NORMAL

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80’s, slim, 5′4″ (used to be 5′6″),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking
for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Desperately lonely loser, SWM,32,miserable,apathetic, tired of tv and watching my roomates hair fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let’s get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Someone just messaged me and let me know that when my profile comes up in the search, it starts with “Fall is coming and I’m not….” *sigh* ain’t it the truth….

Frisky pup seeks some tail. Tired of going in circles. Lets catch up sometime–you can lead the way.

Seeking: Female companionship due to carpal tunnel syndrome.

Break out of the tired old traditional male/female roles. I’ll be the baby seagull and you feed me regurtitated raw fish like a nurturing momma bird. I’ll provide the raw herring and vomit inducer, you bring the strap-on beak. No weirdos, please.

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

Your idea of camping is pulling hotel sheets over your head, calling it a tent…

My ideal lot in life would consist of wandering through a pre-industrialized, pre-agriculturalized Earth, eating fruit and squirrels, occaisionally stopping to sleep and hump. I can’t do that, however, because most of the world is now considered someone’s or some government’s property, which if you ask me, is a fantasy. But I guess you didn’t ask me, so forget that I just said (er, wrote) that.”

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, race unimportant. I’m a very good looking girl who LOVES to play, take long walks in the woods, hunting, camping, fishing trips and cozy winter nights by the fire. Really like a man with a pickup truck. A candlelight dinner will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. Kiss me and I’m yours.
Call (***) ***-6420 and ask for Daisy.

[Daisy was black labradour retreiver. The Ad was placed by the Atlanta Humane Society. Over 15,000 males responded to the ad.]

And here is a FAKE funny craig’s list roomate wanted ad. The poster, Daniel, said he got many real replies!

1) I have a cat so if you are allergic please don’t inquire. He is a very nice cat named General Tso.
2) I keep the floors extremely clean, so clean that you can eat off of them, which is actually what I do. I have a thing about plates and utensils. I eat 2 well cooked fried eggs off of a small tile in the middle of the living room with chopsticks every evening at 7:15 PM. You cannot touch my chopsticks.
3) My mother stops by twice a week and yells at me for an hour or so and sobs about her only son being gay. I’m actually not gay I just don’t date a lot. She doesn’t get this. She is harmless though but may pinch your cheeks when she see’s you.
7) I sometimes come home reeking of fish. Please don’t ask me about this.
5) I hum a lot, sometimes for hours. It’s not usually loud but if I am in the living room brushing General Tso and I’m humming, it may get to you and you would have to go into your room.

Page topic: Funny want adds: Real online personals and online dating site profiles: Funny dating jokes and funny profiles.