Vice President Dick Cheney has won the coveted “Person of the Year” award in Hell, according to anonymous inside sources who leaked the news on the condition of anonymity. The leak comes three weeks ahead of the official announcement. When asked to confirm or deny the news, the Office of Hell Communications refused to comment “We prefer to announce our person of the year around Christmas, and have no further comment at this time.”
The two independent sources, who were verified to work for the Office of Hell Communications, said Dick Cheney’s Person of the Year award was not only for his considerable achievements this year, including behind the scenes plans to expand the war into Iran, but also for an accumulation of a multitude of achievements over the last several years. “Sometimes, it’s one big splashy event that earns the award- which happened in 2001, for instance. But sometimes it’s more about rewarding the little guy- the one who’s evilness has been steady and strong for years, even if it had largely gone unnoticed.” The sources said Cheney was notified of the award, and was “honored and appreciative” to receive it, even though he declined a photo shoot for political reasons.
When asked if President George W. Bush had been considered for the award, one of the sources responded “That wouldn’t make much sense. It would be like nominating Kermit the Frog for the excellent work of Frank Oz. True evil requires intention and intelligence. As much as we value the work Bush has done, we regretfully are not able to give him much personal credit for it. All of the award-worthy deeds Bush has done can be traced back to Cheney, curse his heart.”
One of the sources said Cheney has been nominated several times, particularly in recent years, and would have won “Man of the Year” sooner if that wouldn’t have damaged his ability to continue his excellent work. “We wanted to wait until he had finished setting everything in motion. Otherwise, a backlash might have interfered with how it’s all unfolding. Basically, the decision was, at this point, he’s not only at the top of his game, he’s in the final stages of winning the game. Why not go ahead and give him the credit he so deserves, even if it hasn’t all finished playing out yet? We miss him down here, but we’re proud of him too. He’s really a favorite son.”
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