Funny Bloopers from Native Speakers
Funny headlines, stupid quotes, Bushisms, celeb bloopers, courtroom and doctor chart bloopers, funny test answers and other funny mistakes from native English speakers.
Funny English from Around the World
Funny English mistakes and bloopers, signs, labels, menus, movie captions, student bloopers and more.
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When I left, I didn’t know where I was going; when I got there, I didn’t know where I was; when I returned, I didn’t know where I had been. Who was I?
Christopher Columbus – when he found the Americas.
Shortly after jumping from an aircraft at 5000 or so feet, a man deploys his parachute. When he looks up he sees a rather large hole in his parachute.Nonetheless he lands safely without
assistance and without using his reserve chute. Why did he survive?
Most parachutes need a hole in them to let the air pass through. Otherwise the parachute would swing wildly side to side.
A man buys a rope from a woman for $3.00 and hands the woman a $10 bill. The woman goes into the grocery store next door to get change. She returns and gives the man $7.00. After the man leaves, the clerk from the store comes and says, “Hey, that was a counterfeit bill you gave me.” The woman gives the clerk a good bill. How much has the woman lost?
Seven dollars plus the rope.
A Food for You and Me
My first is in fish but not in snail,
My second is in rabbit but not in tail.
My third is in up but not in down,
My fourth is in tiara but not in crown.
My fifth is in tree you plainly see,
My whole a food for you and me.
What am I?
I am a fruit.
What’s the Number?
A certain number has three digits. The sum of the three digits equals 36 times this number. Seven times the left digit plus 9 is equal to 5 times the sum of the two other digits. 8 times the second digit minus 9 is equal to the sum of the first and third. What is the number?
This one is fairly easy – 324 is the answer.
Caught in My Trap
I can trap many different things and colors,
Ever changing, not boring.
Look closely and you may find yourself also caught in my trap.What am I?
A mirror, or a pool of water.
It runs and runs but can never flee.
It is often watched, yet never sees.
When long it brings boredom,
When short it brings fear.
What is it?
Time, which is often watched when you stare at a clock.
A man was just about to put his key in the door when he heard his wife scream “No Charlie, don’t do it!” The man walked in his house to find his wife dead on the floor next to a doctor, a lawyer and a police officer. None of them had name tags and the man did not know who any of them were. The only thing the man knew is that the police officer did it.How did he know?
His wife yelled, “No Charlie.” The doctor and lawyer were both women, so the police officer had to be Charlie.
Here on Earth it’s always true,
that a day follows a day.
But there is a place where yesterday
always follows today!
In a dictionary.
Four Digit Number
Find the four digit number in which the first digit is one fourth of the last digit, the second digit is 6 times the first digit, and the third digit is the second digit plus 3.
Red or Green
Some say we are red, some say we are green.
Some play us, some spray us.
What are we?
What kind of can never needs a can-opener?
What is so fragile that when you say its name you break it?
Cut Along the Tracks
Walking home one day, you take a short cut along the train tracks. The tracks cross a narrow bridge over a deep gorge. At the point you are 3/8 of the way across the bridge, you hear the train whistle somewhere behind you. You charge across the bridge, and jump off the track as the train is about to run you down. As it happens, if you had gone the other way, you would have reached safety just before being run over as well.If you can run ten miles per hour, how fast is the train moving?
The train is moving at 40 miles per hour. Imagine that a friend is walking with you. When the train whistle blows, you head away from the train, he heads toward it. When he reaches safety, you will be 6/8 (or 3/4)of the way across the bridge, and the train will have just reached the bridge. For the train to cross 4/4 of the bridge in the time you cross the remaining 1/4, the train must be moving four times your speed.
Long Day Of Work
John was very tired after a long day of work. He went to bed at 10 p.m., wound his alarm clock and set it for noon the next day. Since John fell asleep almost immediately, how many hours of sleep did he get before the alarm woke him?
Two hours. Wind-up clocks can’t be set more than 12 hours in advance.
Solution to Solid Square
An officer wishing to arrange his men in a solid square found by his first arrangement that he had 39 men left over. He then started increasing the number of men on a side by one, but found that 50 additional men would be needed to complete a new square. How many men did the officer have?
The officer had 1975 men. When he formed a square measuring 44 by 44, he had 39 men over. When he tried to form a square 45 x 45, he was 50 men short.
Without and Within
When I am filled
I can point the way,
When I am empty
Nothing moves me,
I have two skins
One without and one within.What am I?
I am a glove.
Four Times Older
I am four times as old as my daughter. In 20 years time I shall be twice as old as her. How old are we now?
I am 40 and my daughter is 10.
Three cars had driven into a parking lot at the same time, and the three drivers left them all for the
attendant to park. Unfortunately, he isn’t too good at remembering exactly which driver drove which car.
However, he is sure of these 6 facts:a. Colin drove the BMW if and only if Mr. Cooper drove the Avenger.
b. Alan drove the Cortina if and only if Mr. Cooper drove the BMW.
c. Colin is Mr. Brown if and only if Mr. Andrews drove the BMW.
d. Brian is Mr. Andrews if and only if Colin drove the BMW.
e. Mr. Cooper drove the Avenger if and only if Alan is Mr. Brown.
f. Colin is Mr. Brown if and only if Alan drove the Cortina.
Who arrived with which car?
Brian Brown drove the BMW, Alan Andrew’s drove the Avenger,
and Colin Cooper drove the Cortina.
Peter celebrated his birthday on one day, and two days later his older twin brother, Paul, celebrated his birthday. How could this be?
When the mother of the twins went into labor, she was travelling by boat. The older twin, Paul, was born first, barely on March 1st. The boat then crossed a time zone, and the younger twin was born on February the 28th. In a leap year the younger twin celebrates his birthday two days before his older brother.
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