Funny Bloopers from Native Speakers
Funny headlines, stupid quotes, Bushisms, celeb bloopers, courtroom and doctor chart bloopers, funny test answers and other funny mistakes from native English speakers.
Funny English from Around the World
Funny English mistakes and bloopers, signs, labels, menus, movie captions, student bloopers and more.
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If the only frying pan in the house is large enough to cook two pancakes at a time and pancakes take one minute to brown one side, how can you make three pancakes in three minutes?
Pour two pancakes and brown the first side. After the first side is done, flip one, take the second off, and pour the third pancake. After another minute, take the first one off, flip the third one, and put the second one back on. Cook both pancakes until finished.
Unlucky Baseball Card
A young man decides to buy a collector’s baseball card. He pays $60 for it. After a month, the value of the card has increased to $70 and he decides to sell it. But already a few days later he regrets his decision to sell the collector’s item, and he buys it again. Unfortunately he has to pay $80 to get it back, so he loses $10. After a year of owning the baseball card, he finally decides to sell it for $100. What is his overall profit?
$30.00. Overall profit, not net profit!
Who Murdered Ray?
Ray Whitcombe is found dead in his office at his desk. The police have narrowed the suspects down to three people: Mrs. Barbara Whitcombe, Ray’s wife; Mr. Jason McCubbins, Ray’s business partner; and Mr. Harold Nichols, Ray’s best friend. All three visited Mr. Whitcombe the day of his murder, but all three provide the police with stories of explanation as to the reason for their visit. Police found Mr. Whitcombe with his wrist watch still on his right arm, a torn up picture of his wife laying on the floor beside the trash can, and an ink pen in his right
hand.On the desk, the police found a name plate, a telephone that was off the hook, and a personal calendar turned to the July 5th page with 7B91011 written on it. After examining this evidence, the police knew their suspect. Who was it?
Jason McCubbins, Ray’s business partner. The calendar is the clue to solving this murder. The police realized that since Mr. Whitcombe was wearing his watch on his right arm, he must be left handed. But the pen was found in his right hand. Realizing that the number on the calendar was written in a hurry and with his opposite hand, police matched the written number with the months of the year. So the B was an 8, thereby giving us 7-8-9-10-11: July, August, September, October, November. Use the first letter of each month and it spells J-A-S-O-N.
Head and Tail
What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?
I am a perching barrel, filled with meat,
Taking hits from leaps and dives.
Look inside, but do not eat,
The meat in there is still alive!
A thimble on a finger.
Lauren and Alice are talking long distance on the phone. Lauren is in an East-Coast US state which borders the Atlantic Ocean, and Alice is in a West-Coast state which borders the Pacific Ocean. Lauren asks Alice: “What time is it?” Alice replies and Lauren says: “That’s really odd. It’s the same time here!”How can this be?
Alice is in Eastern Oregon (in Mountain time) and Lauren is in Western Florida (in Central time). It is the night that daylight-savings time changes back to standard time any time after 1:00 and before 2:00 AM.
My voice rises above the din,
Sometimes catching all unaware.
I never ask questions,
yet get many answers.
I am a doorbell.
Locked and Safe
You want to send a valuable object to a friend. You have a box which is more than large enough to contain the object. You have several locks with keys. The box has a locking ring which is more than large enough to have a lock attached. But your friend does not have the key to any lock that you have. How do you do it? Note that you cannot send a key in an unlocked box, since it might be copied.
Attach a lock to the ring. Send it to her. She attaches her own lock and sends it back. You remove your lock and send it back to her. She removes her lock.
Boy in Black
All the electricity was out in town and none of the street lights or traffic signals had power. A dark limousine was cruising down the newly paved blacktop, with its headlights off. A young boy dressed totally in black (with no reflectors) stepped out to cross the street. The moon wasn?t out and the boy had no flashlight, yet the driver stopped to let the boy cross the street. How did the driver see the boy?
The driver saw the boy because it was during the daylight hours.
Four children, Rob, Danny, Martha and Bent, had a race across the yard. Danny was as many places behind Martha as Bent was ahead of Rob. Martha was not first and Rob was not second.Who was first, second, third and fourth?
First – Bent
Second – Martha
Third – Rob
Fourth – Danny
A man ordered a length of rope by telephone from his nearest hardware shop. But when he went to collect the rope, he found that the assistant had miswritten the order by interchanging feet and inches. As a result of this, the rope was only 30 percent of the length that the man wanted. What length did he want and what length did he get?
The man ordered 9 feet 2 inches of rope, and got 2 feet 9 inches.
Pick the Picture
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Anna. Anna’s father, the King, wanted to be sure his daughter married an intelligent man. To test his daughter’s suitors the King hid Anna’s picture in one of three boxes. The suitor had to be able to select the box with Anna’s picture on one try and within twenty seconds.On the gold box was the message “Anna’s picture is in this box”.
The silver box had the message “Anna’s picture is not in this box.”
“Anna’s picture is not in the gold box” was written on the bronze box.
The King would tell each suitor “Only one of the three messages is correct.” Which box contained Anna’s picture?
The silver box contained Anna’s picture. If her picture had been in the gold box, two statements would have been true. (The messages on both the gold box and the silver box.)
If her picture had been in the bronze box, two statements would have been true. (The messages on the bronze box and the silver box.)
Late for an Appointment
A man is late for an appointment and, in his haste, takes a corner so fast that only two wheel were on the pavement. A police man is standing on the corner, but he did not give him a ticket. Why?
He was on a motorcycle.
A man left an inheritance of $10,000 to three relatives and their wives. Together the wives received $3960. Janet received $100 more than Carol, and Mary received $100 more than Janet. John Smith received the same amount as his wife, Harold Saunders got half as much again as his wife, and Tom Clancy received twice as much as his wife.How much did each receive?
Carol, Janet and Mary received $1220, $1320, and $1420 respectively. John Smith received the same as his wife Carol, $1220. Harold Saunders received half again what his wife Janet did, $1980. Tom Clancy got twice as much as his wife Mary, $2840.
I herald the darkness which descends on all creatures;
You will know my approach by moans and wracked features.
I visit the hippo, hyena, and horse,
But never go near snails and spiders, of course.
I would circle the glove, leaping one to the other,
Should all the world’s people ever clasp hands together.What am I?
I am a Yawn.
Brothers and Sisters
There is a certain family with both girl and boy children. Each of the boys has the same number of brothers as he has sisters. Each of the girls has twice as many brothers as she has sisters. How many boys and girls are there in this family?
Four boys and three girls.
Ice Cube Trays
Grandma has an old-fashioned refrigerator with a very small freezer compartment which can hold up to seven ice cube trays stacked, but there are no shelves to separate the trays. You have fifteen trays, each of which can make a dozen cubes, but if you stand one tray on top of another before it’s frozen, it will sink into the lower tray and you won’t get full cubes from the lower tray. Without using anything but water and the ice cube trays, what is the fastest way to make full ice cubes in seven trays?
This can be accomplished by using frozen cubes as spacers to hold the trays apart. In the time it takes to freeze two trays, seven trays of ice can be frozen. Fill one tray, freeze it and remove the cubes. Place two cubes in the opposite corners of six trays, and fill the rest with water. Freeze all six trays, plus the seventh tray which is on top.
Thirty By A Half
If you divide thirty by 1/2 and add 10 what would you have?
30 / .5 = 60 + 10 = 70
Trickle and Tickle
They can trickle down,
They can tickle too.
Or make you sneeze,
Or comfort you.
Their rustling sound,
you’ve rarely heard,
Unless you’re a pillow
or a bird!What are they?
They are feathers.
Round as a Button
Round as a button,
Deep as a well.
If you want me to talk,
You must first pull my tail.What am I?
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