Funny Bloopers from Native Speakers
Funny headlines, stupid quotes, Bushisms, celeb bloopers, courtroom and doctor chart bloopers, funny test answers and other funny mistakes from native English speakers.
Funny English from Around the World
Funny English mistakes and bloopers, signs, labels, menus, movie captions, student bloopers and more.
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Robert and David were preparing to have a water balloon fight.”No Fair” cried Robert, “You have 3 times as many as I do!”
David said “Fine!” and gave Robert 10 more balloons.
“Still not fair!” argued Robert, “You still have twice as many as I do.”
How many more balloons must David give Robert for them to have the same number?
David must give Robert another 20 water balloons, giving them each 60. Robert started with 30 water balloons and David with 90.
A man was found dead in his study. He was slumped over his desk and a gun was in his hand. There was a cassette recorder on his desk. When the police entered the room and pressed the play button on the tape recorder they heard: “I can’t go on. I have nothing to live for.” Then there was the sound of a gunshot. How did the detective immediately know that the man had been murdered and it wasn’t a suicide?
The cassette had started at the beginning of the man’s utterance. Someone else had to be there to rewind the tape.
Getting Away With Manslaughter
Two cars were involved in an accident in the center of town. The man who was driving a little green car, had overtaken a big black car. The driver had misjudged the distance between him and the on-coming traffic and had to swerve back in, causing the black car to swerve and crash into a shop window. When the occupants of the cars were examined everyone in the green car was okay, but in the black car was one dead man. However, the driver of the green car was not charged with manslaughter, why was this so?
The black car was a hearse and was on it’s way to a funeral.
Walk On Me
What can climb mountains,
handle hundreds of feet each day,
yet never moves?
Opened with a Twist
A dagger thrust at my own heart,
Dictates the way I’m swayed.
Left I stand, and right I yield,
To the twisting of the blade.
What am I?
Color of the Bear
A man builds a house with all 4 sides facing south. A bear walks past the house. What color is the bear?
White, the house is built directly on the North Pole.
Highest Mountain on Earth
Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
Can a man legally marry his widow’s sister in the state of California?
What part of ‘widow’ do you not understand? The guy’s dead!
I Fill The Sky
I’m not an airplane, but I can fly through the sky.
I’m not a river, but I’m full of water.
What am I?
If there are fifteen crows on a fence and the farmer shoots a third of them, how many crows are left?
None. The rest of the crows flew away when they heard the gunshot.
Two’s a Company
If two’s company and three’s a crowd, what are four and five?
Four and five is nine.
Hungry and Thirsty
If you were locked in a concrete room, with no windows and no doors, and all you had inside the room was a bed and a calendar, how would you eat and drink?
Get dates from the calendar and water from the springs in the bed.
A Violent Beast
In a tunnel of darkness lies a beast of iron. It can only attack when pulled back. What is it?
Playing with Dates
In what year did Christmas Day and New Year’s Day fall in the same year?
It happens every year.
The Better Dollar
Is an old hundred dollar bill better than a new one?
Well, it’s worth 99 more dollars.
Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
They all do.
What Does He Weigh?
There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. He has a wife and 2 kids. What does he weigh?
A butcher weighs meat.
What can’t be burned in fire, nor drowned in water?
Clothing of a House
What clothing does a house wear?
A dress. Address, get it?
Adam and Eve
What didn’t Adam and Eve have that everyone else has?
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Section: Riddles and Brain Teasers