Funny Bloopers from Native Speakers
Funny headlines, stupid quotes, Bushisms, celeb bloopers, courtroom and doctor chart bloopers, funny test answers and other funny mistakes from native English speakers.
Funny English from Around the World
Funny English mistakes and bloopers, signs, labels, menus, movie captions, student bloopers and more.
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A man dies of thirst in his own home. How is this possible?
The man lives in a house boat, and is in the middle of the ocean with no fresh water around.
Turn It Off!
A man decides to quit his job, so he turns off the lights, and walks out of the room, and 200 people die. Why do 200 people die
The man worked at either a lighthouse or an air control center, and when he turned off the lights, the captain couldn’t see and crashed.
Puddle of Water
Two cops walked into a room with no windows and found a dead man who obviously hung himself from the ceiling, though they couldn’t figure out how. There was no chair beneath him that he might have jumped off of, or a table. Just a puddle of water. How’d he do it?
He stood on a block of ice until it melted.
The music stopped. The woman dies. Why
The woman is a blindfolded tightrope walker at a circus. The music ended a little early, and she knew that she reached the ends, so she lost balance and fell to her death.
Sell It Twice!
A man decides to buy a nice horse. He pays $600 for it, and he is very content with this strong animal. After a year, the value of the horse has increased to $700 and he decides to sell the horse. But already a few days later he regrets his decision to sell the beautiful horse, and he buys it again. Unfortunately he has to pay $800 to get it back, so he loses $100. After another year of owning the horse, he finally decides to sell the horse for $900. What is the overall profit the man makes?
The man makes an overall profit of $200.
What’s Your Age?
My age today is three times what it will be three years from now minus three times what my age was three years ago. How old am I?
Don’t be too confused, the answer is 18 years old.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith were walking home from the shopping mall with their purchases when Mr. Smith began to complain that his load was too heavy.Mrs. Smith turned to her husband and said, “I don’t know what you’re complaining about because if you gave me one of your parcels, I would have twice as many as you and if I gave you just one of mine, we would have equal loads.”
How many parcels was each carrying?
Mrs. Smith was carrying seven parcels and Mr. Smith was carrying five.
A Troubled Traveler
A traveler, on his way to Miami, reaches a road junction, where he can turn left or right. He knows that only one of the two roads leads to Miami, but unfortunately, he does not know which one. Fortunately, he sees two twin-brothers standing at the road junction, and he decides to ask them for directions.The traveler knows that one of the two brothers always tells the truth and the other one always lies. Unfortunately, he does not know which one always tells the truth and which one always lies.
How can the traveler find out the way to Miami by asking just one question to one of the two brothers?
The question that the traveler should ask is: “Does the left road lead to Miami according to your brother?” If the answer is “Yes”, the traveler should turn right, and if the answer is “No”, the traveler should turn left.
Cutting Down Trees
Dynamite is a tool that can be used to cut down trees. To cut a tree 18 inches in diameter requires five sticks of dynamite: one on the north, south, east and west sides of the tree, and the fifth stick on the side to which the tree should fall. During construction of a dam, a tree 18 inches in diameter was completely covered by water. Since the treetop was fouling the boat’s propellers, it had to be cut down. A diver went down and put a stick of dynamite on the four sides of the tree. Since the current is flowing south at 2 knots per hour, on which side of the tree would you instruct the diver to put the fifth stick of dynamite if you wanted the tree to fall north?
It doesn’t matter where the fifth stick is placed, since the tree won’t fall in any direction. Being wood, it will float and rise to the surface.
Two sentries were on duty outside a barracks. One faced up the road to watch for anyone approaching from the North. The other looked down the road to see if anyone approached from the South. Suddenly one of them said to
the other, “Why are you smiling?”How did he know that his companion was smiling?
Although the guards were looking in opposite directions, they were not back to back. They were facing each other.
Sky and Ocean
I am four letters long
I can be seen in the sky
I am the ocean & I am the sea
Can you guess me?
The color Blue.
A bus driver was heading down a street in Colorado. He went right past a stop sign without stopping, he turned left where there was a “no left turn” sign, and he went the wrong way on a one-way street. Then he went on the left side of the road past a cop car. Still – he didn’t break any traffic laws. Why not?
He was walking.
A new medical building containing 100 offices had just been completed. Mark was hired to paint the numbers 1 to 100 on the doors. How many times will Mark have to paint the number nine?
Did you say three? The correct answer is twenty (29, 39, and so on).
Who Does That?
A fireman is running to get a net under a lady who looks like she might jump off the balcony of her 20 story apartment building. There is nothing below her except a 20 story fall. The fireman is still 100 yards away when she falls and can’t nearly get there in time. The woman is not hurt more than a bruise. How is that possible?
She fell back into her apartment, jumping from the balcony into the inside.
Month to Month
No matter how little or how much you use me, you change me every month. What am I?
I’m Your Child!
A woman went to visit her bank manager and she took her young daughter with her. The bank manager said that the woman’s daughter could stay with his secretary during the meeting. When the woman and her daughter left, the secretary turned to the other secretary and said to her, “That little girl was my daughter.” How could that be?
The secretary was the girl’s father.
The Mustard Family
Mr. and Mrs. Mustard have six daughters and each daughter has one brother. How many people are in the Mustard family?
There are nine Mustards in the family. Since each daughter shares the same
brother, there are six girls, one boy and Mr. and Mrs. Mustard.
If you have two quarters on a table touching each other, how can you move one of the quarters without touching it? You are only allowed to touch one quarter but not move it. You can?t touch the quarter that you move. You want to get at least enough room between the two quarters to insert another coin between the two quarters.
Hold down one of the quarters very firmly. Take another coin and hit it against the quarter you are holding down. Tap hard enough to move the quarter next to it aside.
How Many Threes?
Jenna wrote all the numbers from 300 to 400 on a piece of paper. How many times did she write the digit 3?
Jenna wrote it 120 times.
What country is hidden in the paragraph below?As defendants, we deny all involvement in the unscrupulous dealings which have come to light
in the recent government investigation.
Sweden. We’ve told you the country, now you find it.
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