~ I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!
Today’s Stupid Questions:
~ Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?
~ Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
Today’s Stand Up Comedy Quote:
~ I played golf… I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying… — Mitch Hedberg
~ When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. — Emo Philips
Today’s Pick Up Lines: (Use at your own risk!)
~ can I have your picture, so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
~ Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I’ve been searching for!
~ The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
~ A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
Today’s Funny Southern Expressions:
~ You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!
~ I’ll whup you like a yard dawg
~ A man walks into a bar and sees the smallest little person he had ever seen sitting on a table playing a miniature piano.
He’s fascinated and watches the man play for a few minutes, then asks the bartender, “How did you find such a tiny man to play the piano?”
The bartender replies, “I found a lamp with a genie in it who granted me one wish.”
“And you asked for a 10-inch pianist?”
“Well, not exactly.”
~ Bob couldn’t believe it — he’d made it to the last round of his favorite game show. “Congratulations, Bob,” said the emcee. “Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!
“This is a two-part question on American history,” he continued. “The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?”
Bob figured he’d play it safe. “I think I’ll try the second part of the question first.”
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
“Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?”