Today’s Funny Pics
Today’s Funny Sign
Today’s Newspaper Fail
Pic of the Day:
Today’s Cute Shot #1:
Today’s Cute Shot #2:
Today’s Texting Abbreviation Quiz:
Did They Say It?
Today’s InnocentEnglish Classics:
He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
I didn’t see my scalp the whole time. I was in the hospital.
It was covered?
Then, later on.. what did you see?
I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Funny Jokes, Quotes and Lines
Today’s Funny Sayings
Today’s Stupid Questions:
~ If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?
~ When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
Today’s Stand Up Comedy Quote:
~ I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. — Steven Wright
~ I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. — Steven Wright
Today’s Pick Up Lines: (Use at your own risk!)
~ Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
~ are you from Tennessee? because you’re the only ten I see!!!
~ Direction a sneeze travels: Atchoo!
~ Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Today’s Funny Southern Expressions:
~ He’s loose as a goose crapping by moonlight
~ Happier than a hound on a gut wagon.
~ Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”
“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
“Why?” asketh the Lord.
“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”
~ A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “same Keith.”
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