Today’s Texting Abbreviation Quiz:
Did They Say It?
Today’s InnocentEnglish Classics:
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.
Objection! That question should be taken out and shot.
Today’s Funny Sayings
Today’s Stupid Questions:
~ What do they call a French kiss in France?
~ Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?”
Today’s Stand Up Comedy Quote:
~ Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. — Steven Wright
~ If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? — George Carlin
Today’s Pick Up Lines: (Use at your own risk!)
~ are you stalking me cuz that would be super
~ I may not be Mr. right, but I’ll do you till he shows up.
~ When chemists die, we barium.
~ Explorer Leif Ericson returned from his voyage to the new world only to find that his name had been removed from the town register. He complained at the town meeting, viewing it as a slight. The town official immediately apologized, saying he must have taken Leif off his census.
Today’s Funny Southern Expressions:
~ She’s so fat, it takes two dogs to bark at her
~ If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.
~ The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and tests were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun with blanks in it. “We
must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came outwith tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to use the damn chair!”
~ A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what they’ve learned from that exchange?”
From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, I learned I should work as a pizza guy. they get HUGE tips!”
COMMENT (Not all comments are approved, including rude comments and those with strong language).
Section: Quick Break