~ I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
~ “The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.” —Franklin Jones
Today’s Stupid Questions:
~ Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?
~ Answer truthfully (yes or no) to the following question: Will the next word you say be ‘no’?
Today’s Stand Up Comedy Quote:
~ Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. — Jack Handy
~ I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British. — Woody Allen
Today’s Pick Up Lines: (Use at your own risk!)
~ You’ve got to refer me to your plastic surgeon.
~ (give girl sugar packet) I think you dropped your name tag!!!
~ He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
~ In middle east outdoor markets you can find bazaar items for sale.
Today’s Funny Southern Expressions:
~ He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.
~ You could start an argument in an empty house.
~ Joe, Mike, Mary, and Tom were talking about their dream jobs. “I want to be a lawyer,” Joe began, “so that I can defend my countrymen.”
“I want to be a congressman,” said Mike, “so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen.”
“I want to be a doctor,” said Mary, “so that I can cure my countrymen.”
“How about you, Tom? What would you like to be?” asked Joe.
Tom thought a moment and replied, “I’d like to be a countryman.”
~ A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange; he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
“For best results, put on two coats”.