~ Four very conservative good old boys go golfing one day. Three of them head to the first tee, and the fourth goes to take a leak. The three men start talking about their sons. The first man says, “I”m so proud of my boy. He’s a home builder. He’s so successful he built a house for his friend, free of charge.”
The second man says, “Well, my boy owns a big car dealership. He’s doing so well that he gave his friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.”
Not to be outdone, the third man brags, “Well my boy is a stockbroker. He gave a close buddy an entire portfolio.”
The fourth man rejoins the group, and the first man says, “So how’s your son doing these days?”
“Well, he doesn’t have much of a job to speak of yet. I guess the big news is- now you fellows don’t say nothing about this or you’ll have to answer to me. But well, he came out of the closet last year. Hell I never even knew he was in the closet. So it’s taken some time, but I’m getting used to the idea.” There’s an awkward silence. The man continues. “I think he must be doing pretty damn well though. He’s got new a house, a Mercedes, and an impressive stock portfolio.”

~ A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”
The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”