The Infinite Heart
A Journey Into the Teachings of 150 Great
Mystics, Masters, Poets and Saints
WEEK TWO: Wednesday
So, let’s jump right in with addressing some of the questions we left hanging yesterday. Now, from the moment the first membrane of structure creates the experience of being a separate, individual spark of Essence, there are layers of structure around us with which we are likely to become identified. In fact, since our True Nature is infinite and uncontainable, the only way we can experience ourselves as finite and contained is if we are identified with finite structure.
Like the only way a little bit of ocean can experience itself as separate from the rest of it is if there’s some kind of boundary separating it.
Right. And as we’ve discussed, that first sheath or layer of structure is not problematic. A soul can easily let go of identifying with that thin membrane at any time, and experience itself as infinite Essence. But as Light beings go into heavier levels of structural reality, their layers become thicker and more complex. These layers are what allow them to exist in each heavier level. And as we go into heavier levels, we focus our awareness more and more on the sheaths we wear, and on the levels in which they exist. And so we come to believe we are the shell that covers us and we increasingly lose contact with our True Nature.
So to be Self realized do you have to let go of all those layers?
There are many levels of awareness, and therefore many layers of identification and attachment. And all of those layers we wear have to be let go of. Obviously, that doesn’t mean we must discard the physical body and so forth, but we must let go of our identification with the many layers of our shell. Bhai Sahib said “All those sheaths still belong to illusion which covers the Atman. They have to be gotten rid of, ultimately, when one merges into Reality… Nothing must remain, if you want the Truth; nothing but Ultimate Truth.”
So you have to let go of everything, until there’s nothing left? That’s a hell of a price to pay. Maybe I should wait for a sale.
The true Treasure will cost you all of your fool’s gold. Saint John of the Cross wrote “The goods of God, which are beyond all measure, can only be contained in an empty and solitary heart.” And Hadewijch of Antwerp wrote “Nothing remains to me; Formerly I was rich, now I am poor: Everything is lost in Love.”
When you allow all you think you have and all you think you are to completely fall away, when you allow yourself to be completely and utterly poor and barren and empty, as she did, what remains is nothing you could recognize, nothing you could have imagined, nothing your mind can grasp. And yet, that Living, Overflowing Nothingness is the Source and the Center of all that is. When you let go of everything, you become it. Plotinus wrote “Man as he now is has ceased to be the All. But when he ceases to be an individual, he raises himself again and penetrates the whole world.”
Hadwijch the Second agrees: “All things are too small to hold me, I am so vast. In the Infinite I reach for the Uncreated. I have touched it, it undoes me wider than wide. Everything else is too narrow. You know this well, you who are also there.” She also wrote “Tighten to nothing the circle that is the world’s things. Then the Naked circle can grow wide, enlarging, embracing all.”
When Mahadeviyakka, was asked if spiritual seekers should live alone, she responded “Once the entire world is yourself, what could a life of solitude add?” And similarly, Kabir said “To me, society and solitude are one, for all feelings of duality have left me.”
But back up a minute. Sometimes when you talk about the shell it sounds like you’re talking about the physical body and more subtle layers of our being. But sometimes you talk about it like it’s made of our psychological defenses and beliefs and distortions and stuff. You’re talking about two different things?
Yes, I should’ve been clearer about this. I’m using it to mean two different types of structures we become identified with. One is the body or vehicle that a being uses to exist on a particular level. The heavier into structural reality we go, the more of those layers or sheaths we have. So we have several, including the physical body. Those layers don’t have to melt away in order for us to become Self realized. They are just dis-identified with. They are no longer experienced to be who or what we truly are.
The other type of shell I’m speaking of is comprised of the psychological structures that we develop as we learn, correctly or distortedly, what the rules of structural reality are, what the best way is to get by. It includes our defense mechanisms, our belief systems, our unresolved issues, our attachments, our identifications and so forth. Our psyche, or mental body, is a complex web of structural patterns that we hold on to, mostly unconsciously, that serves as a type of map of reality, telling us how to navigate through it in the way that’s most in line with our needs and beliefs. And these mental constructs are filled with distortions that interfere with us perceiving things accurately.
Yeah, in one of my psyche classes we talked about how everyone has distortions and issues and defenses and beliefs that keep us from seeing things as they really are. And how we can take advantage of those to sell laundry detergent.
It’s these mental constructs that are the other meaning of the terms “shell” or “layer”. They’re what I’m referring to when I speak of thinning the shell, melting the ice, dissolving the identity.
That makes sense.
From the first several months of life, the baby knows instinctively that in order to survive it must pay close attention to how things work, how it can best get its needs met. It can no longer just rest. It must begin to develop within itself the ability to adapt and react to its environment in the ways that best support its own survival and well-being. And so it becomes more and more attached to and identified with the body and mind it’s trying so hard to master. It begins to lose what awareness might remain of its greater Self, and begins to limit its awareness to this level of being, to its mind and body and the world around it. Of course, a baby has few of the psychological shields it will eventually develop, so others can often sense the Love and Peace and Spaciousness of Essence when they gaze upon it. Armorlessness is a precious and beautiful thing to behold, when only the thinnest of veils covers the shimmering spark of Essence within.
We’ve talked about how if you look with the heart you see the heart. Since people can so easily feel love when they look at a baby, wouldn’t that add to it too? You look with love, so you see love.
True. And the more love emanating from you towards a baby, the more loved and content and safe it feels within, and so the more it relaxes whatever armor it might already have. And then its Essence emanates even more strongly, and your heart feels that and responds with an even stronger flow of love, and so it deepens. What precious moments those are! The spontaneous arising of the gaze of the Heart.
This same cycle of deepening can happen in other intimate situations as well, such as romantic love, in which we feel safe enough in the presence of another to let go of our defenses and shields, even those which we aren’t aware of holding. As our armor becomes thinner and more transparent, the other person feels the presence of Essence emanating from us, and their love deepens, helping us to feel even safer and to become even more open and exposed. This can happen all the time, with anyone, even strangers, but most of us don’t allow it. We think someone has to qualify for us to let down our guard and let love flow. But Pure Love has no reasons. So Love with reasons is not Pure.
Ouch. That stung. I mean, don’t most of us have reasons we love someone? It seems strange to just love someone out of the blue, without any reason at all. That sounds suspiciously like the sixties.
We think we need reasons to love someone. The truth is that since Love is the natural, effortless flow of Being, we only need reasons to keep from loving someone. The heart’s natural position is open. But that causes more pain, more vulnerability and more strange looks from the closed hearted. As long as we are actually living for ourselves, those reasons are more than enough for most of us to only let love flow to a special few, and usually only at certain times, when it won’t hurt very much.
Yeah, I guess it’s easier to love when you know you’re being loved back. There’s no risk.
Exactly. And yet, the feelings we have when we know we are loved are actually due to our own letting go.
How do you mean?
In romantic relationships, we usually attribute the contentment and joy we feel to the other person. But more accurately, they are the catalyst that allows us to feel safe enough to temporarily dissolve away most of our armoring, and then we naturally experience more of the Essence that has always been beneath it all. Of course, as the relationship evolves, each person inevitably hurts the other in small or big ways, making it harder to trust as deeply as before and to let go of our defenses as much. Until sooner or later we no longer feel the magic we once felt in their arms. So we often try to find someone new that we have no messy history with yet, which allows us to once more feel that magical open beingness we so deeply long for.
I have to admit I can relate to that one. Sometimes I think I’ve been more in love with the feelings of love and intimacy than with the woman I felt them with. And those feelings are usually strongest and less bogged down at the beginning of a relationship.
We know the rightness of that space of safe, open hearted, merging Beingness that arises under certain circumstances. We know it is a taste of Home, our True Love. It feels deeply nurturing and healing and beautiful and true. So we try to hold onto the particular circumstances that led to those feelings. We don’t realize this inner space of Resting Beingness is available to us all the time. We don’t have to wait until a moment of deep emotional intimacy with another to just let go of all our holding and merge into Pure Love. Nothing has to happen first in order for us to let ourselves just be. Pure Beingness is at a level much deeper than the level of surface happenings, so it’s irrelevant what’s happening on the surface.
Sounds good in theory.
Most of us unconsciously live our lives based on a false theory. A false assumption. We try to create the conditions we think are necessary for us to just deeply rest inside. We try to reach the end of our endless “to do” list, so we can finally just relax and simply be. We try to re-arrange the level of surface events, the level of doing, in order to experience the deep level of Pure Being. So we’re doomed from the start. As long as our inner peace is conditional upon anything, it’s not Imperturbable Peace. It’s not the Perfect Peace that passes all understanding. And so it’s not a real treasure.
Hang on. You’re saying that if you’re in a really deep, peaceful space, and then it eventually fades away, that it didn’t mean anything? It’s not valuable?
If it’s a feeling that can come and go, it’s a surface wave. It can feel wonderful, but it isn’t a true Treasure. Unconditional Peace, just like Unconditional Love, can be here under any conditions. Even when the surface waves are filled with pain or anger or confusion or agitation or numbness. You don’t have to make the surface waves meet any conditions for the Ocean Depths to endlessly and effortlessly flow with Absolute Freedom. But we’ll come back to this later in our conversations.
* * * * * *
So, during the first months and years of life, there are many painful experiences which lead us to add layers of protection around us, to make us less sensitive and less susceptible to pain. These shields start out thin and pulsing when we are very young, but as childhood progresses they become thicker and more solid, and Essence becomes less and less perceptible. Let’s look at a quick example.
Imagine you’re two months old, laying in your crib, and a bee lands on your foot and stings you.
What kind of a bee would just go attack a defenseless baby? What the hell did I do to deserve that? I mean, there I was, just minding my own business, looking up at this nice mobile above my bed that my Aunt Sally made, and then, ZAP! Instant agony. I’ve been terrified of mobiles ever since. Not to mention my Aunt Sally. And for months that mobile was still hanging up there, taunting me with its evil presence. It scared the crap out of me. Several times a day. In fact, the first words I ever spoke were “Get that God forsaken mobile out of here pronto! And please stop feeding me those absolutely atrocious jars of liquefied green beans!” You know, that’s actually one of the main things wrong with this world today.
Liquefied green beans?
Besides that. It’s everywhere in nature so it should be really obvious to us. I mean, that bee is a perfect example. But somehow we don’t seem to get it. If you have a weapon, no matter how small or how big, sooner or later you’re probably going to find a reason to use it. So unless you were born with it attached to your butt, just fricking get rid of it! Anyway, so I got stung by an evil bee from hell. Then what?
It wasn’t evil. It had been trapped in your room all day, and it was just trying to feed off a drop of liquefied green beans that had spilled onto your foot. It tickled you, you suddenly kicked, and the frightened bee just responded out of instinct.
Have you ever thought about being a criminal defense attorney? You could make a jury feel sorry for anyone. Anyway, I do feel bad for that bee if it had to resort to eating that stuff. I can kind of do the gaze of the Heart with it. Somewhere inside the thick skin of that mean, nasty bee, there’s an innocent little larva, just trying to wiggle its way out. You can’t help but fall in love.
In any case, you were laying there all happy and peaceful, and now all of a sudden you feel terrible pain. This is very scary and upsetting. You start crying loudly with fear and pain and also to make your comforters come make it go away. Your parents come in, and they don’t know what’s wrong. You are wearing socks, so they can’t see the sting.
I felt a bee tickle under my socks? It must have been one big mother bee!
They check your diaper, they try to feed you, they try rocking you, but nothing helps. And you just keep crying with all your might.
They better figure it out quick. If I keep crying like this I’m likely to pop a vessel. Not that there’s a lot my parents could do to comfort me.
Now, there is a universal psychological pattern in infants when they have a strong need that doesn’t get resolved. Their cry of discomfort or pain or fear builds into a rageful cry. And then eventually, if their strong need still hasn’t been met, they finally just give up. There is a resignation, a sense of exhausted hopelessness.
Painful situations like this happen to every child again and again, to varying degrees. These learnings become mental constructs, belief structures about themselves and the world, that they will use throughout their life to navigate.
An instruction manual for how to survive.
And some of those beliefs, such as “The world is not safe,” and “My needs won’t always be taken care of,” cause them to develop a protective shield, a hardness, to become less sensitive to the pain of life they have already begun to experience.
Bumper car syndrome. At amusement parks the lines are always really long for the bumper cars. I guess everyone’s thinking, what could be more relaxing than having thirty people try to ram their car into yours as hard as they can. It’s a nice break from the freeway. And just to make it interesting, the cars are all powered by bare steel rods that go up from the cars to a live electrical grid, which also doubles as a roof in case there’s a thunderstorm.
So when you get in a car that first time, you might be kind of relaxed. But after you get hit a few times and your neck vertebrae get rearranged and someone’s toupee hits you in the face and your lunch is thinking about abandoning ship, you get the hint and you start to tense up and brace yourself. You’re just automatically tense and guarded and uptight until the ride is over. I don’t think you could relax if you wanted to. It’s like your body knows it better stay prepared. I guess you learn as a kid, even early on, that you’re going to get jarred by life here and there, and you start to brace yourself for it.
Yes, exactly. And even if a child is fortunate enough to avoid very traumatic experiences, seemingly small episodes can accumulate, and play a large role in the development of the child’s unconscious beliefs and coping strategies.
So if somehow a child could just be brought up perfectly, without any traumas or wounds or pain, would they always be in touch with their Essence?
Anytime a young child doesn’t get to have what they want the moment they want it, there is some degree of pain. Even if a child were brought up by two Self realized parents, still they would become attached to and identified with their own body and mind. And they would see the glittering fool’s gold of this world, in its varying forms, and try to grab it and hold onto it, forgetting about the True Treasure. Rumi said “While you look for trinkets, the treasure house awaits you in your own being.”
Why would we choose fool’s gold over the real thing?
Because, deep down, we know that the True Treasure, as incomparably Good and Pure and Perfect as it is, isn’t something we can use in this world for our gain. We can never hold it or own it. We can never have it. We can only let it have us. But fool’s gold, as worthless as it is, has a weight to it in this world. We can hold it and own it and use it to become more secure and comfortable on the surface. This is why it feels like such a costly thing to allow ourselves to really see the Truth. It costs us all our fool’s gold. We realize not only how worthless our worldly treasures really are compared with the Real Treasure, but also what fools we were for believing they had so much value.
To quote from a Leslie Neilsen movie, “The truth hurts. Oh, sure, not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.”
The truth doesn’t often cooperate with our dreams and hopes and plans. It even shatters the illusion that we can have Pure Gold our way. That we can use Living Essence for ourselves. That we are meant to be masters of Pure Love, instead of letting Pure Love master us. When we hear this kind of truth, our illusions can begin to look much more appealing.
That reminds me of the movie, “The Matrix”. Did you see it? It’s really cool. The familiar world and everything in it all turns out to be an illusion, but almost nobody knows it. And Neo is this searcher who has always had a feeling there was something more real. And at one point, he meets someone who sees past the illusion, and who gives him a choice between taking two pills. If he takes the blue pill, he’ll go on believing in the illusion forever, never knowing the truth. But if he takes the red pill, he’ll have to watch the world that he knows crumble apart. He’ll never be able to believe the illusion again. He’ll only see true reality.
Sounds like a good movie. The pull to know the Truth can be so strong, he must have chosen the red pill.
Yeah, and later on, after he’s been dealing with reality for a while, he’s thinking, “Why the hell didn’t I take the blue one?”
Yes, all his illusions of just living a treasure-filled life in the old, familiar world were shattered. When we let in the truth, the burning away of our illusions can be very painful. But it is such a purifying, cleansing, healing pain.
* * * * * *
So, while each child’s specific experiences and learnings vary, there are some universal patterns of coping that we all tend to use. Our Pure Center becomes covered over with layers of repressed emotions and energy and with the barriers we use to keep them repressed. One way of conceptualizing these patterns might be called the layer model. It holds that the first layer around the Pure Center of our Essence is the pristine personality, our pure, innocent, child-like, free-flowing personality, with its own predispositions and interests and so forth. And covering that is all the negative emotions and energies we’ve stuffed down over the years because they were too painful or too unacceptable to ourselves or others. The next layer is the armor we use to keep all those unresolved aspects of ourselves buried down. And then on top of that is our presenting personality, the mask we so often wear to come across the way we think we should, even though we’re usually so cut off from our pure, authentic self.
William Blake wrote “For man has closed himself up ’til he sees all things through the chinks of his cavern.” And Eckhart wrote “A man has many skins in himself, covering the depths of his heart. Man knows so many things; he does not know himself. Why, thirty or forty skins or hides, just like an ox’s or a bear’s, so thick and hard, cover the soul. Go into your own ground and learn to know yourself there.” And the seventeenth century Zen Buddhist monk, Takuan, wrote “Zen is to have the heart and soul of a little child.”
Didn’t Jesus say something about how we should be like a little child too?
“For to such belongs the Kingdom of Heaven.” The Chinese sage, Mencius, who lived in the fourth century B.C., agreed: “A great man is one who never loses the heart of a new born babe. The sole concern of learning is to seek one’s original heart.” This original heart is the Heart within the heart. That Heart is Infinite. And it is always much closer to us than even our physical heart.
So, from this perspective, we can see how valuable it can be to let ourselves sink down beneath the protective armoring into the muck where so much of our life flow gets bogged down. But this isn’t pleasant. It’s much easier to pretend jewels don’t exist than to be in the mud where they are hidden.
There’s a line from a Peter Gabrielle Song, “Digging in the dirt, to find the places I got hurt.”
Exactly. And when we do, we discover there has been a constant unconscious inner battle, between repressed emotions and energies trying to come up and be expressed, and the energy we use to hold them down. This conflict manifests as both chronic psychological stress and chronic physiological stress, such as muscle tension.
So the issues are in the tissues.
That’s true. One of the reasons most of us are so cut off from our bodies is that’s usually where we store all the messy stuff. To be very connected to our bodies is to also be aware of those aspects of ourselves we tried to get rid of long ago. That’s why so many people live in their heads. Most of the time they just kind of drag around the rest of their body– after all, it keeps their head alive. But they would rather not know what evils are lurking down there in the basement. It’s easy to imagine that when you become Self realized you become very distant about your body. But one of the paradoxical results is that once you experience yourself to be your limitless True Nature, rather than your mind or body, you find yourself living more fully and comfortably and spaciously in your mind and body than you ever thought possible. There’s no more pushing away and splitting off. And so the whole organism is free to become an integrated vessel through which Pure Being flows.
These places within us where we are trying to express or suppress emotions or energy can be thought of as different parts of us. We caged off some of these parts because we wanted to push down an impulse or emotion that arose, and others in order to act as guards or shields to keep those parts down.
But if we have all these different parts then everyone has a split personality. How is that different from actually having multiple personalities? If you don’t mind us asking.
Give it a try.
Well, it’s got to be a matter of extremes. I know that with multiple personalities there’s usually really bad abuse or some other trauma. It’s too much for the person to handle, so I guess they kind of sacrifice a part of them that endures it, and then the rest of them doesn’t have to even have a memory of it. That part just gets cut off and disassociated completely. And sometimes several different parts. So maybe it’s like, for most people, parts are separated with a chain link fence, so that there’s still some kind of connection and cohesiveness, but in some people, sometimes parts get completely walled off with thick cement, where there’s not even an awareness of each other. Total compartmentalization. Multiple personalities.
Yes, that’s a good way of looking at it. Now, children are overflowing with energy that propels them so many different directions. Some of these impulses are creative, some destructive. Some receptive, some aggressive. That’s the nature of raw energy. It doesn’t know the rules of family and society. It just flows naturally in its own directions. The child is left with the task of trying to filter and direct this raw energy appropriately.
And it sounds like one of the ways kids learn to handle that is to just stuff it down.
Right. And we could say that they cut off and isolate a part of their psyche along with it. Those parts that get left behind are not bad or evil. Neither are the parts that keep them held down. Repressed impulses and energy can certainly become stronger and more distorted over time, but the core part that was separated can be seen as an innocent child. So even if some of our parts cause us difficulties, even if we’re afraid of the power of some of the parts we sense lurking within us, we can still have a sense of compassion for every one of them. While some of our parts are definitely unhelpful, each of them at its core only wants what it thinks is best for us.
That’s hard to believe.
Yes, until you begin to connect with your separated parts, particularly those that seem the most distorted or troublesome or even evil. As you open up a space within yourself to listen to what they most deeply want, their own dragon layers begin to fall away and you find an innocent, often confused child, that was abandoned and isolated long ago, and is doing the best it can with its limited understanding. When we do battle with our dragons, they only become stronger. But when a dragon knows it’s in safe company, its scales fall away on their own. Then what is left is a space of Open Beingness that is overflowing with love and joy and security. That is what remains when we drop everything.
What is Essence? It is What Is Left. But we cannot fully let go of what we have refused to fully embrace. And so, as the saying goes, what you resist persists. We put so much energy into avoiding the dragons we fear! We try to hide from the ones we believe to be lurking out there in the shadows, and we try to keep hidden the ones we sense living within us. We imprison them in harsh, cold caves, far beneath our awareness. But wherever a dragon is found, there is always a great treasure near by.
Essence is the Center. The Core. Of everything. Whenever anything is experienced completely, the layers unveil, and the Pure Core begins to be exposed. When you fully enter the belly of the beast, the beast dissolves, and all that remains is the precious treasure it had been keeping safe until your return. Pure, luminous, intimate Beingness. Home. Your True Self.
Well, like I said, I’ll believe it when I see it.
Then let’s take some time to investigate this directly and see what’s discovered.
* * * * * *
Are you up for seeing for yourself what is found in the heart of the dragon?
I guess so. With their diet, probably a lot of cholesterol.
So, right now, think of a negative emotion or impulse that you’ve experienced. One that you just can’t believe is actually good at its core.
Well, let me think for a minute. I mean, when you’re as pure as I am, you don’t have that many to choose from.
It’s okay to mention something you might be embarrassed or even ashamed of. We all have parts or patterns within us that are unhealthy and distorted, even ones that want to do harm to ourselves or others. These parts aren’t likely to change as long as we keep them in the dark. So even if it feels uncomfortable or risky, I invite you to choose something that you really feel bad about, that you might prefer to go your whole life without anyone knowing about…
… Well, here’s one I’m not proud of. After college I worked with abused kids at a treatment center for a while. It was a really rough, stressful environment. Most of them were pretty aggressive and violent. They were used to being abused, and there was some dynamic going on where some of them would try to push our buttons and get us really mad at them, like somehow they were more comfortable when adults blew up at them. Maybe their programming was, they can’t control that they’re going to get abused but they can at least control provoking the adult and getting it over with sooner. Anyway, they sure knew how to get us hooked. From constantly pushing limits to attacking other kids to cussing at us to spitting in our faces to scratching and hitting and kicking us. It was no picnic. Even when we went on one.
And man, I swear there were times I wanted to cause some serious pain to some of those kids. When I just wanted to beat the crap out of them. And there were a few times I felt right on the edge. Like I wasn’t all that far from losing it. I would make myself take space and cool off, but man, I wanted revenge! I used to wonder how a parent could ever hit a child. After working in that environment for a while, I realized the main difference between abusive parents and non-abusive ones isn’t in having the impulse, it’s in controlling it. It’s having the coping skills and support to be able to walk away and take space before you blow up. Or calling someone to help you get through it. I think it was understandable that some of us got to that point now and then– That place felt like a war zone. But still, there were times I actually wanted to seriously hurt a kid. Like hit them or ring their neck or something. Sometimes it felt like pure rage, pure hatred, maybe even pure evil. I don’t see anything redeeming in that.
A big, mean, angry dragon.
Yeah. Ready to make some toast.
Good. You’ve chosen a good one. Now see if you can remember a specific time you felt that rage come up, and see if you can feel some residue of it in your body.
Yeah, I’ve got one. I’m not proud of it, but I honestly wanted to cause him some serious pain.
Perhaps a part of you even wanted to kill him.
I don’t know about that, but I definitely had some major rage flowing through.
It’s been said that those of us who haven’t found a part of us that could kill haven’t yet looked deeply enough.
Have you found that part?
More than one. Rage evolved eons ago to give us the strength we needed to conquer a life threatening enemy. Its purpose was to destroy anything that might hurt us. So when strong anger comes, it has within it the potential and the impulse to hurt or even kill. The danger comes when due to fear or shame around these impulses, we try to stuff them down. Then the pressure builds, causing stress on our minds and bodies, and perhaps eventually resulting in an explosion.
So, get back in touch with that impulse to hurt him, really let yourself step into it, and tell me where you feel it in your body…
… Well, my chest feels tighter.
Good. So really tune into your tighter chest, and see if you can say more about how it feels…
Well, it feels tougher. Meaner. Like a layer of cold metal armor is covering it or something.
Good. Now whether or not it’s literally true that there are different parts or subpersonalities within us, for this exploration we can imagine that is the case. So let’s assume that this tightness around your chest that wanted to hurt that child is a part of you that is trying to get something. It isn’t tightening things up in your chest just to pass the time. There’s something that it’s trying to accomplish.
Homicide.
You don’t have to believe that deep down it actually wants something good. Let’s see if we can find out for ourselves. So again, remember the situation, and go ahead and make contact with that part, meaning just tune in to it and feel its presence in your body. Feel that band of armor around your chest. If it helps you to focus, you can close your eyes if you wish… Let me know when you feel tuned in to it…
…Okay. I definitely feel it.
Good. Now, silently ask this part if it is willing to talk with you. Tell it that you want to find out what it really wants, to see if you can help it.
You mean like talk to it? Talk to this tightness in my chest?
Right.
That sounds pretty weird, to just have a heart to heart with my chest. It seems pointless. There aren’t any brain cells there. It can’t think.
There is a part of your mind that is causing that tightness. Your only doorway to that part is through the tightness itself. It can definitely seem strange at first. But why not just experiment with something different and see what happens? And while the intellect can always think of answers to your questions, with this process you simply direct a question to the area where the feelings related to that part are located, and then wait for an answer to sort of bubble up to the surface on its own, without any conscious effort. So just ask if this part is willing to talk with you. And see what response arises…
…I don’t think I’m getting any kind of answer. Just a real tightness. A hardness. Like nothing could ever get through.
That’s fine. if you had gotten a definite “no”, you could explain your honest intentions to better understand what it really needs to see if you can help it. Usually, parts will be willing to communicate when they’re convinced you want to help them. Especially if you can send a little warmth and compassion their way.
I don’t think warmth and compassion are on the top of this part’s priority list.
Well, let’s find out what is. So go ahead and ask this part, by directing the question towards the tightness in your chest, “What is it that you want by being so tight and tough and angry?”
It probably wants to teach the kid a lesson. Show him he can’t get away with that crap.
That may be what this part wants, or it may not. I know it’s a new concept to let an answer arise from a different place inside you, but it isn’t hard to do as long as you just give it a little space and quietly and patiently notice what arises. Can you still feel the tightness and anger in your chest?
Definitely.
Good. If it starts to fade away, you can imagine turning up its intensity, like turning up the volume on a stereo. Now, staying focused on it, imagine that you are somehow sending that question to this part. Direct the question to your chest, and then just wait patiently, while staying focused on the sensations there. “What is it that you are trying to get by being so tight and angry? What is it that you want from being that way?”…
… Hey, I think it actually gave me an answer! I felt it get tighter, and my jaw tightened, and the words just kind of came, “I want to beat the crap out of that kid.”
Good. It sounds like an answer that would come from that part.
Well you’ve certainly convinced me it’s actually a nice, innocent, cuddly part that’s just having a bad hair day.
See if you can let yourself be in a space of open, nonjudgmental, patient presence, and let’s find out what arises as we continue. Now, if you can feel any appreciation that this part was willing to communicate with you, go ahead and send that to this part. Just kind of let it know you appreciate it being willing to talk with you.
… No response. I think it must be the strong, silent, disgruntled postal worker type.
We’ll see. So now, go ahead and ask this part, “What if you get what you want? What if you beat up this child? Is there something this would give you that’s even more important to you?”
Woah, time out. It seems like the only way to answer that question is to kind of imagine it happening. I mean, for this part to know the answer it has to play out doing that.
Yes, exactly.
Well, is it okay to imagine beating up a kid?
This part of you has been there for a long time, whether you like it or not. Of course, it’s not okay to actually abuse a child. But your strategy of just ignoring this part has only resulted in it splitting off and hiding down in the depths of your psyche, which actually prevents any release or integration of this part or the life force it is holding. It’s much more harmful to leave it forever lurking in the depths than to give it permission to just imagine acting out its impulses for a few moments. So let it imagine getting what it wants if that helps it answer the question. No need for guilt. No one is actually getting hurt. We’re just letting this part really sink all the way through this level of wanting to hurt the child, so that we can see if anything deeper lies beneath it. So again, ask this part, “What if you get what you want? What if you get to beat him up as much as you want to? What does that get you that’s even more important?”…
… Power. I’m not really getting any words, but there’s this feeling of being really big and strong and powerful. Like throwing the kid across the room and yelling, “Don’t you ever do that to me again!”
Good.
Man, I can’t help but feel guilty admitting I want to do that. But that’s definitely what this armor around my chest wants.
I can understand the guilt. But there is such a difference between being aware of an impulse and actually acting it out in the world. When we allow ourselves to become more conscious of them by sinking more deeply into them, we can relieve the pressure that had been building and help prevent them from spilling out in unhealthy ways. So tune in again to the sensation in your chest. How does it feel right now?
It feels powerful. Strong. Like, “Go ahead, punk. Make my day.”
And now ask this part, “What if you get to be incredibly strong, absolutely powerful? What does that do for you that’s even more important?”…
…It feels like, then I can control the kid. I can control the situation. I can have things my way.
Good. You might again send a sense of appreciation to this part that it is so willing to communicate with you…
It seems like my chest feels a little softer. Not quite as armored.
Good. And notice that we’re not trying to force this part to change or trying to rip away its layers. We’re wanting to help it sink through the layers, into the core of what it truly most deeply wants. So now ask this part, “If you get to have total control over the child and the situation, if you get to have things just the way you want them, fully and completely, what does that do for you that’s even more important?”…
…I have this image of him coming up and apologizing, really sincerely, and then being really good from then on.
And how does your chest feel now?
Well, it feels more open now. There isn’t a tight band around it anymore. It’s kind of tender. There’s a sense of relief and relaxing.
Good. So just to make sure we’re really clear what this part wants, we’ll ask it again. “If you get to have total control over this child and the situation, what is it that you want from that that’s even more important to you?”…
…There’s this sense of relief and relaxing again… The words that are coming up are, “Then I can be safe. Then I can have some peace…” I can feel my chest just kind of releasing… Kind of melting… It’s like I’m sitting in a rocking chair by a gentle fire, all snug and toasty. Just relaxing. Just being. It feels really nice.
And what happened to that anger and tightness and toughness? See if you can still feel it.
No, it’s gone. I can’t find it. That’s strange. There’s just this tender, open hearted feeling.
Wonderful.
Wow. Now I’m getting this image of rocking the kid to sleep by the fire. And he’s saying he’s really, really sorry, and I can tell he means it. This is instead of me hurting him, not after. I can’t even imagine hurting him now. I’m just rocking him by the fire, feeling love for him. This kid has so much to deal with. He has to grow up in a treatment center with seventeen other needy, troubled kids, not to mention stressed out staff, because his own parents hurt him so badly. I don’t think I could’ve handled his situation any better than him, you know?
Your heart is flowing with compassion and love for him.
Yeah. He’s really a precious child, doing the best he knows how to do in a really, really tough life.
A few minutes ago you said you didn’t believe warmth and compassion were important to this part. Now it’s sitting by a warm fire, feeling love for a precious child.
Yeah. Pretty amazing.
Friend, you have a beautiful heart when you let it be exposed.
It just kind of happened. That band of armor just melted away.
So now you can see that when this part wanted to hurt the child, what it really wanted was to be safe and to have peace, even if it didn’t have a good plan to get there. This fierce, nasty dragon was only breathing fire to try to melt away its own icy armor. A noble goal, even if the approach it was taking was a distorted one.
Yeah. Good goal. Bad plan.
So let’s find out if there are even deeper layers than peace and safety that are waiting to be unveiled. Tune in again to your chest, and ask this part, “What if you have complete and total safety?… What if you have complete and total peace?… Is there anything that having absolute safety and peace gives you that’s even more important?”
I think I’d probably just settle for that.
Well, go ahead and ask this part the question, and see what response arises from it. “If you get to have peace and safety, fully and completely, is there anything that gives you that you want even more?”…
… It says, “Then I can just let go.”
So if you have peace and safety, fully and completely, then you can just let go.
Yeah. Just let go of everything.
… And now what’s happening?
… It feels like everything’s just dropping away… Burdens, effort, stress… My body feels a lot more relaxed. And my mind… It’s like I don’t have to try to get anything or get rid of anything or change anything. All that is just falling away… And I’m just kind of sinking down… Just resting. It feels really good… It’s like I’m soaking in a hot tub or something. All the tension is melting away… It’s really, really nice.
Wonderful. And now ask this part, “What if you just get to let go of absolutely everything, fully and completely? Not having to try to do anything. Not having to try to get anything. Just sinking. Just melting. Just completely letting go. Is there anything this gives you that’s even more important?…”
…Then I can just be.
So if you let go fully and completely, then you can finally just be.
Yeah. Without anything getting in the way.
And what are you experiencing right now?
Everything’s just falling away. There’s just being here. Without all the heaviness and tensions and all… Just kind of an open, weightless being.
And if you really get to just be, fully and completely, if you get to completely have open, weightless being, is there anything you want from that that’s even more important?…
… The words that are coming are “To just sink into empty beingness…” I feel myself just falling deeper and deeper into… into this really relaxed, peaceful, spacious, empty beingness… I don’t really know how else to describe it. It’s like there’s nothing in it, and that’s why it’s so light and free. But that spacious nothingness feels incredibly fulfilling… It feels rejuvenating and healing and relaxing all at once. Like if you could just completely dissolve into a really good, safe embrace… Man, it’s an incredible feeling. It’s not some strange, mystical state or anything. Just incredible openness and spaciousness and lightness and peacefulness… A feeling of being really free. No burdens or walls. No struggling. Just a peaceful, empty, really fulfilling beingness.
It’s a beautiful, beautiful place to live from, isn’t it? So, if you have this sinking into empty beingness completely, absolutely, one hundred percent, is there anything that would give you that you want even more?…
No. Just this pure, empty beingness. Those are the only words that really seem to fit. There’s nothing more important than that. Nothing else that I want.
Wonderful. So just let yourself fully sink into this Pure, Empty Beingness… Falling more deeply into it with every breath… Let yourself fully, completely have it. Let it fully, completely have you. Just let yourself really melt into it…
It’s really, really nice. I feel completely content. Completely at peace… I don’t remember ever feeling like this. Ever. Just resting. Floating. No trying or doing or effort. Just open and weightless and free… I don’t even feel like talking. That’s a new one… I just feel totally at peace. Nothing lacking. Nothing lacking! Just being. Just here. And it’s enough. It’s so much more than enough. I feel completely… quenched. It’s just really, really, simple. And really, really good.
… Yes. Beautifully and simply quenched in Pure Goodness… My friend, it’s such an honor to be in the presence of one who is resting in the Silent Center. Simply being in Pure Being. Such a gift. That part that wore so much anger, what a gift it had waiting underneath for us both! Once you allowed yourself to unwrap it… So, while you are resting in Peace, let’s see if there is anything more to be unveiled.
More? How could there possibly be more?
Let’s just see if there is. Let me ask you a few questions, and just let the answers come from deep within the center of your present experience. Does this pure, empty beingness have any edges to it? Any end? Any boundaries? Just check and see…
… Well, my mind says it should– everything does. But it doesn’t feel that way.
How does it feel?
Endless. Boundless. Like there aren’t any walls around it… Like endless space. Like loving endless space. That’s how it feels. It’s just beingness… Sort of melting into everything.
So it’s infinite?
It feels like it. It’s like there’s nothing that could contain it. It’s too… empty. Too light. So it doesn’t have any boundaries to it. Somehow there’s just this sense, this knowing, that it’s endless. Yeah, it’s infinite.
And if it’s endless, that means there’s no place that it isn’t. Right? If it’s boundless, no boundaries could contain it. There’s no structures or walls or edge that could keep it out.
Yeah.
And if it’s everywhere, and if no boundaries can shut out its presence, that must mean that right now it has to be all around us. Everywhere around us. Right? And not just around us, because there is no wall or structure or boundary somewhere inside us that could keep it out. So it’s in us too. Right now. In every mental and physical structure that makes up our bodies and minds. And if it penetrates everything, then nothing inside us could truly block it from being present everywhere inside us. So, in every moment, it must be freely flowing through every cell, every molecule, every atom, every particle. Even the vast, subatomic cosmos in which electrons dance in ecstasy around their sun, even that must be completely filled with this Living Presence. So your body is constantly being bathed in this endless, overflowing, quenching Essence. For no boundaries or structures could ever keep boundless, structureless Being away!
Wow. That’s pretty amazing. But yeah, I guess so.
No guesses. Tune into your direct experience of it. Your direct knowing that is coming from resting in this Endless Peace in this moment. Can any boundary contain it, push it away, prevent it from being infinitely present everywhere?
The answer that’s coming up is, no. It’s everywhere. Even here. Always.
Always. And if there are no boundaries that can contain it, then it must melt right into the core of every structure. It must merge with the core of everything. Completely. So completely that when we look with true seeing, no separation can be found. And if it melts through all separation, then can it truly be separate from anything? Can it really be something other if it melts through all? If it melts completely and totally and fully into everything? And if it melts through everything that you are, and if it cannot be separate from anything that you are, can it really be separate from you? Can you really be separate from it?
Well… I mean… Not really. No.
My friend, you are not truly some form that is separated from the Living Ocean. You are not other than Living Ocean itself! How could you be? You have never been other than it. There has never been the slightest separation, not the slightest real partition, between you and it. And since there cannot be even the slightest real separation, then in spite of all appearances there cannot be two. There can only be One. That One could never be separate from itself. My friend, you are that One. All is that One. Nothing has ever been other than that One. Nothing ever needs to take the slightest step towards it, for nothing has ever been truly away. Not even for an instant! Oh, my friend, all of our serious games of hide and seek are always happening right in the arms of God! The prodigal son never left! Where could he possibly go?
Endless Sea. Endless Sun.
Endless Heart. Endless One.
How could this leave? Where could this go?
Even illusion, one with this Flow.
It’s a very good sign you don’t feel like talking. Let’s just sit together in silence for a while. Melting into the endless, overflowing, quenching Nectar of Pure Isness. Merging with the Infinite Heart. Kabir said “There is a land not governed by sadness and doubt… The bee of the heart dives into it and wants no other joy.” And remember Rumi: “When the soul lies down on that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’ doesn’t make any sense.”…