The Infinite Heart
A Journey Into the Teachings of 150 Great
Mystics, Masters, Poets and Saints
WEEK TWO: Tuesday
How were those last few minutes yesterday?
Pretty intense. You were saying it was okay to be confused and lost and to just let go of trying to understand or get anything, and I just kind of– well I was going to say kind of zoned out, but maybe it was more like I zoned in. I mean, I felt really here, really peaceful and settled. I didn’t have a clue what was going on, but I knew it was good. And it felt like my mind was kind of slowing down, struggling to function. And part of me was saying, it doesn’t need to function right now, just let go, and part of me was scared and trying to make it work better. Like we talked about– I think so that I am. And there were a few times in there when I just really felt myself let go. I stopped trying to do anything– trying to get my mind back to normal, trying to figure out what was happening, trying to have an experience, all that. It was like I was resting in a place so much bigger than my thoughts, it didn’t matter so much that they were slowing down. I felt really peaceful and good and relaxed and alive. I actually felt some joy.
You were resting in Peace. Wonderful.
Yeah, I guess I was. But it started to fade afterwards, and soon all that was left was an after feeling of being relaxed and content. I tried to get it back but I just couldn’t.
Yes, when we experience the simplicity of vibrant Beingness, we naturally don’t want it to leave. It’s not just that it feels good and peaceful and wonderful to us. It’s also that it feels deeply, deeply true. We know, absolutely know, that we are tasting what is most real and true and valuable. And when it leaves our awareness, the emptiness is inescapable, and the longing grows. At first, this longing is for ourselves to experience Essence again. We can’t help but think in terms of how it can give us what we want. How it can quench our need for love or peace or safety or joy or wholeness. How it can help to make our life the way we want our life to be. This is natural in the early stages. We want to own God, to have God, and to use God for our own benefit.
Like our own personal magic genie. What’s the problem?
Eckhart said “Some people want to see God with their eyes as they see a cow, and love him as they love their cow– for the milk and cheese and profit it brings them… They do not rightly love God when they love Him for their own advantage.” And the eighth century Sufi, Rabi’a Adawiyya, said “God, if I worship Thee in fear of hell, burn me in hell. And if I worship Thee in hope of Paradise, exclude me from Paradise; but if I worship Thee for Thine own sake, withhold not Thine everlasting Beauty.”
When we bow to God only for God’s sake alone, for the sake of what we know to be the truest way to be in this world, this is a true bow. And then we become humble and empty enough for God to enter. Mechtild of Magdeburg wrote “In pride, alas, I can easily lose you, but in the depths of pure humility, O Lord, I cannot fall away from you. For the deeper I fall, the sweeter you taste.” And Angelus Silesius wrote “God whose love and joy are present everywhere, can’t come to visit you unless you aren’t there.” When we fully offer ourselves to God, in an unconditional, absolute bow, then we finally begin to understand directly what Rabi’a meant when she said “I have ceased to exist and have passed out of self. I am one with Him and entirely His.”
I just can’t imagine being willing to give up my life like that. To totally just hand it over. That just doesn’t even appeal to me. This is my life. For centuries people’s lives have been taken from them. People have been turned into slaves or near slaves, forced into working for someone else who had more money and power and control and greed. I mean, I know my rights. The right to pursue happiness. The right to freedom. The right to an attorney. The right to remain silent. I never really cared for that one in particular. But basically, the right to live my life as I damn well please.
Of course it’s wrong to control another’s life. To enslave them. Pure Isness, your True Nature, your True Self, would never force anything. Never take anything. When we really get a taste of that way of being, when we directly experience it, there is a deep, unshakable knowing of the rightness of it. And when we compare that with how we have been living our lives, we cannot help but value the truth of Pure Being more than our own patterns and plans and beliefs and agendas that have guided the ways we have lived in the world. We come to a place in which we know of nothing that would be more true or more right or more real than to completely surrender our life to the Flow of Pure Being.
Unfortunately, I happen to be allergic to surrendering. For years I tried to figure out why, but I finally gave up. Then I broke out in hives.
All of us feel allergic to surrendering at first. When we first meet our Beloved, we have little interest in such sacrifice. We focus on how good it feels to be in that Presence, on how much it gives us. And we become thirsty for more. Even if we hear things like we must give our life to our Beloved, or we must die to be born again as a servant of the Divine, or we must let go of all our will, all our agendas, all our trying to make our life the way we want it to be so that Pure Being can fully live through us, we still can’t help but hear all that in terms of what we think it will get us. And so we play along. We think, consciously or unconsciously, “Once I really have Essence flowing through me, then I’ll really get to have everything I want. My life will be easier and I won’t have to feel pain or fear anymore. Everyone will see how spiritual I am, and everyone will love me, and I’ll have more power and more success and all my problems will be solved.” It’s still all about us. This is the ego’s natural response.
So, the first several times we meet our Beloved, we are quite smitten and infatuated. It isn’t that we truly know our Beloved yet, it’s that we know the way we feel in that Presence. And that’s what we become infatuated with. Isn’t it always that way at first? But how many of us would truly give up our entire lives for the object of an infatuation? Without hesitation, without reserve, without turning back? With no hope of ever getting anything, anything in return for ourselves?
I guess none of us.
But over time, as our relationship with our Beloved grows, the infatuation turns into a deeper and deeper love. It evolves from brief, blissful flames of passionate intimacy into a more even, more mature, deeper, truer love. Like an old, soft fire that has left nothing unpurified. And eventually, our love is such that it is natural and true to simply completely give over our life to our Beloved, so that it might have a place to be in this world. And at that point, as John Tauler said, “What we should then experience none can utter; but it would be something far better than when we were burning with the first flame of love, and had great emotion, but less true submission.”
So it’s like at first there’s huge flames but no base of coals, and then eventually there may not be as big a flame, but the coals are hot and glowing and even and deep. You know, that reminds me of a Mad magazine cartoon I saw when I was a kid. It was a drawing of two flowers representing youth and old age. The young one was this huge, robust flower with this tiny little root. It might have looked strong, but a little gust of wind and it would be history. And the old one was this tiny little flower that didn’t have as much flashiness or vigor, but it had huge, long, deep roots branching out. Not so fancy on the outside, but really deep and solid within.
And no wind could ever tear it away. Such a flower is so embedded in the solid ground, it doesn’t even have to use effort to hold on. It knows no storm can touch its depths, and so it is always at peace. Always resting. Always completely at Home. Regardless of whether it is beneath the healing sun or the darkest clouds.
So, at first, we are unwilling to truly give over to Essence the space we are living in. And Pure Being is so tender, so patient, so giving, so accepting of even those who deny it a place to be in this world, it would never enter into any space uninvited. It would never force its way into any space that is already occupied. Already reserved. It would never force anything. And so it patiently waits in the depths of our heart until it receives a true invitation, offering it a place to fully be in this world, without conditions. Without restrictions. Without us keeping any part of our life off limits. It tenderly waits for us to say, with complete honesty of heart:
“I’ve tried long enough to be the master of this life. But finally I know, deeply know, that this throne was never meant for me. And so I crawl down off of it, and invite You, beg You, to take Your rightful seat. And this mind and this body and this heart and this soul will serve Your gentle, selfless will as fully as they are able, as long as they are able. You are my true Beloved. I give You my life. Not to get something in return. Not with the hope of any reward. But because in the deepest place I know, that is what is most True and Real and Good. And I must honor that, no matter the cost. And so, with no conditions, with no expectations, and with no interest in ever receiving anything back for myself, I finally give all that I am fully, completely and endlessly to You. Oh Beloved, I am Yours.”
I’m so afraid to melt back into Your Sea
I’m so afraid there will be nothing left of me
But if that’s what it takes to let Your Pure Love flow
Take everything, if I won’t let it go
For years I’ve tried to make some kind of deal
To have Your Peace and keep my will
But until it’s gone there’s not room for You to stay
Take everything, take everything away
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do
I don’t know how to give this life to You
So I give up, and leave it in Your hands
Where it always should’ve been
Take everything, till there’s nothing left to hold
Take everything, till there’s nothing left that’s old
Take everything It was never mine
Take everything, now and for all time
Take everything, everything, now and for all time
* * * * *
You know, there’s a part of me that really resonates with that and longs for that kind of passion and purpose and commitment and willingness to give up my life for something so beautiful. But most of me is, honestly, just not there yet. And maybe not so eager to get there. I just can’t get excited about melting back into the ocean. I mean, I’m a terrible swimmer. I keep picturing the wicked witch in “The Wizard of Oz.” She melted away into nothing, just like that, just from a little water. If only Toto had known, he could’ve done the job a lot sooner. He really aimed to please. You know, I have a friend who gave his life to God. Now he’s suing to get it back. Anyway, like I said, I’m too young to melt.
Imagine standing in front of a burning house, and knowing that trapped inside is your nice new television. Would you run in and save it?
My house is burning down again? I just got it rebuilt! It was Pyro-kitty again, wasn’t it?
Would you try to save your TV?
Of course not. Well, depending on what was on that night. If it was reruns, almost definitely not.
And if instead of a television, there were a precious child crying for help?
Did you say precious or precocious? As long as I’m on this honesty kick, I guess you never know for sure unless you’re in the situation. But I really believe I would run in there and do all I could to save it. I don’t think I would hesitate for an instant.
Even though you might lose your life.
Yeah. The child has more value. Trying to save its life is worth risking losing my own.
How do you know the child is of more value?
Well, it’s not like I weigh things out and think about it and go over a check list. It’s like, somewhere in your heart, you just know that a little child is more precious than you are.
And what if you somehow knew in advance this was going to happen, and that in fact you would save the child but in the process. Would you still do it?
I really think I would. It’s probably harder when you have time to think it over and get cold feet. Of course, the fire would remedy that situation. Yeah, I really believe I would. But damn it, that kid better grow up to become President or something.
So you would give up your own life so that a precious being of great value could live on this Earth.
Yeah.
As long as Essence is just something that gives you what you want, something that comforts you and makes you feel good and helps take your pain away and perhaps even entertains you, you will value it right up until you have to choose between which of you gets to live in this life. Then you are quite willing to just let the house burn.
You don’t have to worry about such a choice for now. You are at the beginning of your courtship. A few subtle sensations in your body, a few glimpses of peace and joy. A few fleeting moments of remembering something you had long forgotten. An old, vague longing just starting to awaken. You are just beginning to experience a hint of the preciousness of Pure Being. As you continue to realize its unequaled value, one day you will find yourself staring at a burning house. With the most precious, gentle, loving, innocent child inside, calmly asking if you might be willing to come let it live in the world in your place.
I know this sounds selfish, but then what happens to me? Do I just become a zombie or something? Completely absent and mindless and out to lunch? Not that anyone would notice the change. But still, I’m too young to fry. I mean, I burn really easily.
We’ll talk more about this in the coming days. One of the ways we get tricky is to say, “I’ll give up my life unconditionally, as long as…” When the choice is made to absolutely and completely surrender the throne of your life to Pure Being, there are no conditions to your surrender at all. There is not the requirement that you still get to be here. That you get anything out of it at all. And yet, as it turns out, you begin to experience life more vibrantly, more effortlessly and more openly than ever before.
Well, like I said, I’m just not anywhere near being ready to surrender my life like that, and the truth is I don’t think I want to be. I’m the only me I’ve got.
Yes, of course these words are threatening to the personality. They are speaking of the end of the ego’s rule. Of surrendering the throne. And you have not yet deeply experienced these words as true. Why would you just blindly accept them when the only life you have known is at stake?
Temporary insanity. Only reason.
So there is no reason to expect you would have any other view at this point. And you don’t need one. For now, your only concern is courting your Beloved. Getting to know Her. And the more time you spend with Her, the more deeply in love you will fall. And the more honest you will be. And the harder it will be for you to betray Her.
This “Beloved” is starting to sound a lot like a black widow. Seducing me to come closer so it can suck the blood out of me. Gee, thanks, but um, I gave at the office.
But the mother spider of Truth would never hurt you. She only comes to cut you free of the web you have spun and become entangled in. There will only be pain to the extent that you have come to view these tangled webs as part of yourself.
Unless she accidentally cuts my jugular by mistake. I mean, what if something startles her while she’s doing her thing? Like what if she sees her reflection in a mirror and it turns out she has arachniphobia? It could happen. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard a spider shriek, but let me tell you, well, I haven’t either but it probably isn’t pleasant. You know, once when I was a kid I dreamed I was trapped in a spider web. It turned out my brother had been busy wrapping dental floss around my bed all night. As I recall, the next night he dreamed he was rolling around in a whole lot of toothpaste. And the night after that we both dreamed we got grounded for a week. Who really knows what dreams like that symbolize? But as traumatic as that incident was, I still faithfully floss, whether I feel like it or not, every single morning that I have a dentist appointment. But I digress.
Frequently. So, we tend to try to use Essence for ourselves. You know, so many people spend their lives trying to get Love, trying to have God, trying to attain Truth, trying to grasp Pure Flow, when they are not willing to give themselves to it. It’s like asking Pure Being to come live in your basement so that it’s always nearby when you need it. So that it’s there for you to use under your terms. But no matter how well you have mastered a spiritual technique that lets you have experiences of Essence, no matter how many patterns you have dissolved away, no matter how often or strongly you feel peace or bliss or love, you will never fully rest in the unshakable truth of Pure Being until you are absolutely willing to let it have you. And that will only happen when you are willing to be heart-breakingly honest about its value compared to the value of this compilation of patterns and structures you call yourself.
Well, as eager as I am to give up my life, how am I supposed to fall in love with it if it keeps leaving so fast? I mean, how can I make it stick around?
Any attempts to hold on to the Living Flow or to get it back when it seems to leave are effortful attempts by the mind, doomed to fail. It’s like swimming in the ocean and riding a wonderful wave. Once it passes by, if you try to chase after it you’ll just end up on the beach with sand in your mouth. But if you fully let go of that wave, and just let yourself be right where you are, other waves will come.
I guess that makes sense. So if I’m busy trying to get back an experience I’ve lost, I’m avoiding being here. Right. The Pure Present is only found in this moment. So it will hide from us as long as we are trying to bring back a past experience. That trying is rejecting what we are experiencing in this moment, so it is rejecting the only doorway into the depths of Being. To be in the Pure Present is to let go of all preconceptions, all expectations, and all comparisons, and to fall completely into the unfiltered experience of this new moment. Bawa Muhaiyaddeen wrote “There is one Truth which we have to know in our lives. That one Truth is undiminishing, incomparable, indestructible, beginningless, endless, without sorrow. It is the Perfect Purity which exists every second.” I’m very glad you are getting some little tastes of that Truth.
So am I, so far. I mean, now it’s back to sounding nice and innocent and blissful and wonderful again. A minute ago it sounded like you were trying to help the grim reaper make his quota. Maybe I should just cash in my chips while I’m still ahead. Or while I still have one.
Listen to Kabir: “Love can be purchased across the counter. But the price is your head. Still, that is very cheap. Don’t hesitate a moment in buying it.”
See? It sounds like things could get just a little scary.
Sometimes. As experiences of Essence become more frequent and intense, they are usually deeply joyful, peaceful, tender and healing. But occasionally they can feel unsettling, overwhelming, and even terrifying, particularly the first few times you experience the Great Abyss, the infinite vastness of the Absolute that the small self recognizes as the end of its existence.
Is that like the still center of the sun you were talking about a few days ago? Instead of the outer rays of light? Right. The outer rays of Essence are filled with radiant, nectarous Light. But the Pure Center, the Godhead, the Void, the Absolute, is an empty stillness that is far too pure for the slightest structure to enter. And so every aspect of your self that is other than that Absolute Pureness dissolves away. This is the death of all that is familiar.
The sixteenth century Indian mystic and poet, Mirabai, said “When you offer the Great One your love, be ready to orbit his lamp like a moth giving into the light, to live in the deer as she runs toward the hunter’s call… Like a bee trapped for life in the closing of the sweet flower, Mira has offered herself to her Lord. She says, the single Lotus will swallow you whole.”
How appealing.
The caterpillar may see it as death. But to the caterpillar’s heart, it is absolutely Right and Natural and Good. It is True Freedom. True Homecoming. The Indian poet, Lalla, said “Coursing in emptiness, I, Lalla, dropped off body and mind, and stepped into the Secret Self.” And al bistami wrote “What I was I no longer am, for “I” and “God” are a denial of God’s unity. Since I no longer am, God is his own mirror. He speaks with my tongue, and I have vanished.”
The twentieth century Austrian Theologian, Martin Buber, wrote “If anyone wishes to be created afresh, then he must do everything in his power to enter the condition of nothingness, and then God will make out of him a new creation, and he will become as a spring which does not dry up and as a stream which does not cease to flow.” And Benet of Canfield wrote “One must live continuously in the abyss of the divine Essence and in the nothingness of things; and if at times a man finds himself separated from them, he must return to them, not by introversion, but by annihilation.” And similarly, John Tauler wrote “Everything depends on a fathomless sinking in a fathomless nothingness.”
It sounds like sometimes you can be having an incredible, expanded, blissful spiritual experience of being one with God or something, and then suddenly you’re like, “Oh shit! If I don’t get out of here quick, I’m not gonna make it out alive!”
Yes, it’s often like that. We can handle letting go of what we have been in order to grab onto something different. But to let go and find no thing else to grasp can be terrifying. We only experience a great Abyss, an infinite Emptiness. Even though this Superabundant Emptiness is the Pure Source of exquisite Beauty and Truth and Nectar and Love, at first our inner senses aren’t fine enough to recognize those qualities so close to their birth. We only know that there is no thing familiar around us or within us. We are alone in an endless black universe with no stars. So naked, so unveiled, that we cannot even find ourselves. There is no familiar point of reference. As Bhai Sahib put it, “When one remains in the Heart of Hearts, one is nowhere.” This could certainly be described as the Oh shit! moment. There can arise a deep fear, with an urgent need to return to the safety of the familiar, finite self.
What do you do if that happens?
Nothing. You simply let the waves of fear be there and pass through, without trying to get rid of them or change them.
No, seriously, what do you do? I mean, if it’s just too much to handle, too big to just let it come on through.
Usually, if you just sit quietly for a while, resting within instead of following all the anxious thoughts, you begin to become more centered and clear. But some people have such a profound, rapid opening, or have such a terrifying moment of facing the possible dissolution of the structures they thought they were, that they feel the need of support from someone who knows the spiritual terrain and can help them through it. Even when you don’t have such a dramatic experience, it can be helpful at times to talk with a teacher or guide or mentor or friend who is familiar with this terrain. In the last few decades, more and more therapists, teachers and guides have become available that are at least somewhat familiar with some of these spaces, and they can be of assistance to those who feel unbalanced or confused or frightened. Such people can also serve as a sounding board, to give you a reality check and help you stay grounded.
What do you mean?
Sometimes, when people begin to have profound experiences, they start to feel they are “there”, that they are now spiritually advanced, special and even superior. There is a great difference between having profound or fascinating spiritual experiences and effortlessly resting in a place in which you are unshakably grounded and centered in your True Nature. These experiences are like false summits. They give you remarkable views, but in order to truly reach the mountain top you must let yourself descend from these smaller peaks. Sometimes when people reach one of these false summits, they choose to stay there, believing they are finished with their ascent. A good teacher or guide can help them see there is more to let go of, and help them remain truly humble. For the Goal is not reached until there is no goal to reach, and no one left to reach it.
* * * * * *
You know, all this talk about annihilation isn’t exactly convincing me this is the best way to go. And I can’t be the only one who isn’t excited about melting away. I don’t mean to diss this Abyss of Bliss, but nonexistence just doesn’t sound like much of a life.
It is True Life! The nineteenth century poet, Alfred Tennyson, sometimes had experiences in which his individual self dissolved away into what he called “boundless being”. He described this experience as “… not a confused state, but the clearest of the clearest… utterly beyond words, where death was an almost laughable impossibility, the loss of personality but the only true life.”
And the eighteenth century Jewish mystic, Baal Shem, wrote “No one goes beyond here unless he sacrifices his self… Here is the beginning of Unity.” And Mahatma Gandhi said “If you would swim on the bosom of the ocean of Truth, you must reduce yourself to a zero.” And the seventeenth century Zen master, Bunan, wrote “Die while you’re alive and be absolutely dead. Then do whatever you want: it’s all good.” The eighteenth century Jesuit, J. P. Caussade, asks “Shall we fear this death, which is to produce in us the true divine gift of Grace?”
And I respond with a resounding, “Abso-fricking-lutely!”
Let’s assume for a moment that you are quite clear you are not interested in dissolving away into something more Pure and True and Real and Eternal any time soon.
Safe assumption.
There is no need for either of us to try to change that in you. Again, why would you give up your life for something you don’t yet value more than yourself?
That sounds so cold. I mean, I’m not a bad guy. I just don’t want to die any sooner than I have to. Call me finicky.
There’s no judgment in what I’m saying. As I said, I wouldn’t expect you to have any other view than the one you now have. You are completely free to hold your self together until your body inevitably dies. Besides, any agenda from either of us to make that holding go away would just make it tighter. But even if we assume this isn’t something you will personally be drawn towards anytime soon, isn’t it still worthwhile for us to discuss what masters and mystics throughout the ages have said about the deeper levels of this process of re-membering Ultimate Reality? Even if you don’t foresee yourself wanting to follow in their footsteps, aren’t you curious to find out more about where those footsteps lead? I’m not interested in trying to make you dissolve. I am interested in sharing with you what has been discovered and rediscovered again and again, by all those who have truly bowed their lives to Pure Being. That when we fully let go of our lives, before we die physically, then finally, in some mysterious, beautiful, ungraspable way, True Life lives through us.
And even if this way of being just doesn’t appeal to you at all, even if you become absolutely clear that you are meant to always remain in tight, grasping control of your life, grabbing all of your leashes until the moment your body dies,–
–What do you mean “if”? Sorry. Go ahead.
This discussion will still lead us to a way in which you can be of service. A way in which even those unwilling to fully let go of their lives can still contribute to a profound healing and opening and blooming in even the darkest places, within themselves and throughout this wounded world. So, even if you aren’t sure all this talk of surrendering and dissolving and letting go is for you, are you still willing for us to go ahead and move deeper into it, so that at the very least you can have a degree of intellectual understanding of what all our talks have been leading up to?
Yeah, definitely. It’s not like I want to quit or anything. And maybe one of these days I’ll see things differently about giving up my life. I guess I just want to make sure I don’t sign on the dotted line before I’ve really read the whole contract.
Here is the whole contract: “I give this life fully and unconditionally to God. To the Most Real. The Purest Truth. The Deepest Reality. The Purest Essence. No matter what.”
See? Something that complex could take years to plow through. I should be ready to get back with you around the time I’m on my death bed.
You don’t have to worry about being forced into anything before you truly give your consent. Anyone can sign a contract. And anyone can break one. In any case, this letting go of the individual self is something that all who are serious about returning Home must face sooner or later. And of course, even those who have no interest at all in such things must eventually face losing all they believe they have and all they believe they are. All structure is temporary.
So when we do finally let go of that which we think we are, do we lose ourselves? Do we lose our awareness? What is left of us? Are we annihilated into oblivion? Do we disappear forever into Nothingness? What is it that remains? Before we address these questions, we need to spend some time getting a clearer understanding of what this identity is that we grasp onto so tightly. What is this that we think we are? What is this small self? How did it form? And how did we become so attached to it?
And once all these questions are answered, we can finally address the greatest, most important question facing humanity today: Where in the hell did moths hang out before artificial lighting?
Ahh, but some mysteries are far too profound for mere human minds to answer. So, maybe this is a good place to stop for today. We’ll start to look into these questions tomorrow.
We’re stopping already?
I’m tired of talking. If you wish, you’re welcome to sit with me in Silence for a while, and just rest in the Flow of the Living Moment.
I guess I could stay for a while. Should I try to meditate or something?
No need to do anything. Just be. It’s fine if you are lost in thoughts, fine if you daydream, fine if you nod off, fine if you get bored and decide to leave. You are completely free to be, just as you are.
Okay, I’ll give it a try. But wake me up if I start snoring.
No need to give it a try. Just give it a rest. Hafiz said “Just sit there right now. Don’t do a thing. Just rest. For your separation from God is the hardest work in this world.”
And by the way, if I happen to start snoring, please, close the door quietly when you leave…
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