The Infinite Heart
A Journey Into the Teachings of 150 Great
Mystics, Masters, Poets and Saints
WEEK THREE: The Healing of Hell: Monday
You look vibrant today. There’s more color in your face, your eyes are flowing with life, and I can feel more softness and openness in your heart.
You guessed it. I’m pregnant. Actually, something did happen last night. But I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to go into it with you.
I would love to hear. It looks like something opened up inside.
Well, I guess so. I woke up in the middle of the night from a really, really sad dream, but I couldn’t remember what it was about. And somehow it felt important to not just forget about it and go back to sleep. So I sat on the couch for a while, kind of open for whatever it was to come back if it wanted to.
And then, all of a sudden, I just started crying. Just out of the blue. It was the hardest I’ve cried since I was little. I mean, I was really sobbing. I didn’t even know why. It just came out. And then all these memories came pouring in, and I started crying even harder. It grew into an almost overwhelming, gut wrenching sadness. God, it really hurt.
Something wasn’t quite finished from your past.
Yeah, exactly. The memories were all about our sheltie collie when I was growing up, Bonnie. I haven’t thought about her in years. We got her when I was just two and I grew up with her. We moved a lot when I was a kid, and she was like my best friend. She was always there for me, always glad to see me. She was one of the few things about my life that I could count on year after year.
My family spent a month or two every summer up in the mountains, at that cabin with the humming bird feeder I mentioned. She and I would spend our days playing around in the streams and going on walks in the woods together. Even when I was little my parents would let me go on little walks without anyone else if she was with me. She always knew the way home. She loved it up there. She’d chase chipmunks and walk in the stream and guard the cabin for us, and anytime we went on a hike she always led the way. She was always there when I was growing up. I really, really loved her.
And last night all these memories came flooding in about how, as I got older, she got older. How I started spending more time with my friends and watching TV and all, and I didn’t go out and play with her as much. She always faithfully stood guard in our backyard, making sure her family was safe, and all she wanted in return was a loving pat now and then and an occasional tummy rub. Just a little love and attention. And those last few years, I didn’t really give her that. Not as much as she deserved. When I was ten we got a cat that became queen of the house, while Bonnie was stuck outside, knowing who was getting all the attention. All this just came back to me really powerfully last night and it just hurt so much. I just kept crying and saying, “I’m sorry Bonnie. I’m sorry. I loved you so much.”
She got really bad arthritis as she got older and she would just limp around all winter long. But every summer we’d say “Wanna go to the cabin, Bonnie?” And she always sprang to life again. I remember that last winter. I was fourteen. Her arthritis was so bad and then she got a really bad infection. We took her to the vet and he kept her for a couple of days. Then he said he couldn’t save her, and that we should let him put an end to her pain.
She should have spent the last few days of her life with us, you know? Not in some cold cage in a dark room, scared and alone. She deserved better than that. She had a right to it. That’s just how things were done, and I didn’t know to question it, but it just wasn’t right. We should’ve taken her home. And just spent a day with all of us being with her, petting her, rubbing her tummy, talking about all our memories, grieving together. Letting her feel safe and loved in the home she had kept safe all that time.
But instead, my family drove to the vet’s and went into the room where she was on the table. What are you supposed to do when you just have a few minutes left? What are you supposed to do? I went over to her and held her and told her I loved her and told her goodbye. My heart was just breaking. I just couldn’t let go of her. And then the vet said we had to go. How the hell can you leave your best friend when you know as soon as you do she’ll be dead? How the hell are you supposed to do that? Somehow, I finally managed to let go of her and walk to the door. I remember just looking at her from the doorway for a minute, just breaking apart. I kept saying, “I love you, Bonnie. I love you.” Then the vet closed the door. And that was it. She had faithfully been there for me for twelve years. Even when I took her for granted and didn’t give her much love or attention for days at a time. She was always there. Always. And then she wasn’t.
I remember later that first week I was talking to a friend of mine from school. His dad had died a few months before, and he was saying, “Get over it. It was just a dog. I lost my dad!” What could I say to that? So I told myself I shouldn’t be sad anymore. That I should just get over it. I remember sometimes I would think about her and I just couldn’t help crying. But for the most part I just told myself I wasn’t a little kid anymore, and it was time to grow up.
So all this just came pouring out last night. I hadn’t really thought about her in years, and suddenly I was just overwhelmed with grief and sadness and love. I kept saying “I’m so sorry, Bonnie. I loved you so much. I’ll always love you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you.” God, it hurt. The tears just kept coming. But it felt good to get it out. And after maybe twenty minutes or so things started to feel kind of finished. I just felt this peaceful sadness. It felt kind of raw and clean and open and quiet. It wasn’t anything that I wanted to avoid or escape from or stuff down. And I just stayed there on the couch for a while, with a blanket over me, sipping a cup of hot chocolate, just thinking about memories of her.
It was strange. Somewhere in the middle of that peaceful sadness there was some kind of really subtle, gentle contentment or happiness. It wasn’t something different than the sadness, it was like they were the same thing. Like maybe I went all the way through the sadness, like you talk about, and at its very core was peacefulness and contentment and a kind of really soft, gentle joy. It felt raw and pure and tender and open and clear and really, really peaceful.
How beautiful, my friend. Your tears led you Home.
Yeah, I guess so. They at least gave me a taste.
Yes, any emotion, experienced at its core, is a flavor of Essence. So whether it initially tastes pleasant or unpleasant, if you gently sink into it deeply enough, there can arise a soothing Presence that warms the heart.
Yeah, that’s how it felt. Warm and soothing and soft. Kind of like the hot chocolate. But all over.
In the center of life’s storm, is a place so soft and still
Overflowing with Love, asking us to drink our fill.
I’m so glad you were willing to create a space for that grief to finally be set free. And that you were willing to stay with it when it became so painful. You found at the center of the storm a wonderful gift. A jewel of soothing, peaceful gentleness that has been waiting for you all this time. Some of the icy walls of your heart melted away, as you remembered the deep love you felt for her and let yourself release the deep, deep grief of her death.
Yeah, it was really, really good to get reconnected with how much she meant to me. I had forgotten. I think maybe I’ll go back to those mountains and put up some kind of memorial marker on the ridge we used to climb. “In memory of Princess Bonnie Blythe. Thank you for all you gave me and my family. I will always love you.” I had no idea I still had love for her inside me. I would’ve thought it would have all faded away years ago. But man, it’s still there. Maybe it’s been buried for a long, long time, but it’s still there. I will always love her. And I had no idea all that sadness and pain was still somewhere inside me, too. That’s amazing it all hung around so long.
We so often put time limits on our grief. Or we think we should adhere to the limits imposed by others. And we so often tell ourselves we don’t have a right to grieve as much as we need to. But pure grief is so beautiful, so exquisite, so alive. It is such an impassioned reminder of the preciousness of life. And of what a privilege it is to share your heart with another being. Waves of grief are meant to be allowed to pass through freely. Or else they will wait in the depths, turning to ice, hardening the heart, until they are finally given the freedom to flow. I’m so glad you let them flow.
Me too. I don’t know why all that came up last night.
Probably because you were finally willing to let it. When we begin to sink deeper, we come across layers of repressed emotions and energies that we locked up long ago. Once we have a tender allowing inside for them to be freed, that spontaneously begins to happen. It can feel quite unsettling at times, as waves of strong sadness or anger or pain or energy flow through us without any understandable reason. Sometimes so much flows through so quickly, we even become less functional on the surface. Our usual tightly controlled way of being in the world breaks down for a while. Modern medicine’s answer for this is usually to offer medication that helps suppress those waves again. There are times that might be appropriate, but usually what is really needed is just the space and the support to let the waves flow. Even if it means becoming less functional for a while, or even falling apart. And then we can naturally become reintegrated in a more spacious, open, healthy way. The healing of our hidden wounds.
Thank you for sharing with me about Bonnie and the thawing of your heart last night. It was so lovely to hear. Ghalib wrote “Travel far enough into sorrow, tears turn into sighing; In this way we learn how water can die into air. When, after heavy rain, the storm clouds disperse, is it not that they’ve wept themselves clear to the end?” And around the tenth century, the Sufi, Sha’wana, wrote “Spill tears if you have grief… The way of those acquiescent to God is to live with sighs and burning grief.” And Mirabai said “If we could reach the Lord through immersion in water, I would have asked to be born a fish in this life… If we could reach him by munching lettuce and dry leaves then the goats would surely get to the Holy One before us! Mira says, ‘The heat of midnight tears will bring you to God’.”
* * * * * *
Well, thanks for helping me be more willing to open up a little. So before this gets even mushier, can I change the subject and ask a question that’s been bugging me?
Of course.
I think I followed you for the most part Friday when you talked about effortless vigilance. It’s like just always resting, even when there’s pressure to grab onto the leashes.
Right.
But I’m still confused about using effort. You talk about how there’s nothing you can do and how techniques can’t get you there and how you aren’t supposed to use any effort, but a couple of times you’ve given me techniques, like the gaze of the Heart and that thing where I asked that part what it really wants. They obviously take effort. So it sounds like a total contradiction.
Yes, it does. Care to give it a try?
I don’t have a clue. I know spending your life in front of the TV isn’t likely to result in Self realization. But you’ve said again and again how trying to do something or get something or get somewhere else can’t work. So I don’t have any idea.
Remember the words of al-Bistami: “This thing we tell of can never be found by seeking, yet only seekers find it.” There is nothing whatsoever that you can do to dissolve into Pure Beingness. You cannot do in order to be. And yet, if you just forget about it and go on about your life as usual, it isn’t likely to happen on its own. Occasionally, there may be precious moments in life of spontaneously falling through the surface into the Pure, Intimate Depths. But then there is the inevitable returning to the surface, wondering why that peaceful Presence deserted you, and wondering what you can do to make it come back.
So you can’t just do nothing. And you can’t do something. That doesn’t seem to leave a hell of a lot of options. There’s obviously at least some kind of benefit to doing techniques and practices, since they pop up in so many different traditions and since you’ve been showing me a couple. I remember you saying that spiritual work can give you a glimpse, but it can never really let you stay there.
Right. It’s hard to realize the incomparable value of the True Treasure if you never experience its presence. Techniques and practices can help us with this courtship phase. They can help us have encounters with Essence, and that can help fan the flame, turn up the heat, melt some of the thick icy layers of our shell. We begin to see the state of things more clearly– what is actually of Supreme Value, and what we had mistakenly assumed to be. But no effort, no trying, no technique, no practice can ever bring us all the way to absolute Effortlessness. No doing can result in Unshakable Being. There’s no magic way for the wind to blow that lets it rest in the center of the storm. The Indian poet, Lalla, said “I searched for myself until I grew weary, but no one, I know now, reaches the hidden knowledge by means of effort. Then, absorbed in ‘Thou art This,’ I found the place of wine. There all the jars are filled but no one is left to drink.”
I heard somewhere that awakening is an accident, but practices can help make you accident prone.
Yes, that’s one way of looking at it.
So if it’s like a lightning strike, practices can help charge you up so you’re more likely to be hit.
They can. But as we’ve touched on, they can also keep your heart from being truly calm and settled, by keeping you busy becoming an expert at something, as you use effort in the present moment to reach some imagined better place or future goal. So, if it feels right for you to do them, do them lightly. Gently. Open-handed and light-hearted. Enjoy the process. Another way to help the process of encountering and loving and surrendering to Pure Being is to simply be around one who already does. The flow created by true inner resting is powerful and contagious. It awakens within you what your heart has always deeply and quietly known. Open roses help you bloom.
Kind of like how E.T.’s heart started to glow when beings from his real home were around. But the problem is, I’ve checked in the Yellow Pages under “Certified Fully Surrendered Self Realized Open Roses” and there aren’t that many in my area.
When you are fortunate enough to find one and spend time with them, that’s wonderful. And there are more and more around that are at least partly open and falling more open all the time. But when you aren’t able to be around one, your courtship with Pure Being can still continue. And if it flows for you, lightly exploring techniques that help you connect with it might be one way to support that process. Another might be to meet regularly with a few like-hearted people in a satsang circle.
A what song circle?
Satsang means a gathering in which Truth is present. You can call it what you like. The Quakers simply call it a meeting.
Why did they always quake anyway?
Not always. When Pure Presence is flowing through you, that heightened energy can create unusual mental and physical phenomena. There is no value in the phenomena themselves, but if they happen to arise, there is value in allowing them to flow through, rather than holding them back with resistance. In any case, the intention of gathering for a sacred purpose, even if there is no structure or plan or ritual or leader, helps to bring forth the Presence of Essence and amplify it within the hearts of everyone there. Dante wrote “The more souls who resonate together, the greater the intensity of their love, and, mirror like, each soul reflects the other.”
So you just sit around twiddling your thumbs?
You gather together without forcing anything, and allow what arises. Usually there is a natural silence of sinking deeper that happens at first. Maybe that remains unbroken, maybe someone reads a poem or sings a song, maybe someone shares something burning to be shared. The structure isn’t important. It’s the like-hearted intention and allowing that invites the Guest.
Sounds a little touchy-feely and intimate for me. Maybe I’ll try kick-boxing yoga instead. Enlightenment and washboard abs.
Or you can simply fully let in the astonishing truth you’ve always known deep within: There is a Pure place in the Center of your being. That place is Infinite and Good and Real. And it is that place that is meant to be the master of your life instead of you. And then, even if you aren’t currently feeling that place within, even if there is not the slightest hint of it, simply give yourself to it. Simply say, with absolute agreement, all the way to the bone, “yes”.
However your own blooming begins to happen, as Formless Being becomes your most treasured Beloved, you start to see That everywhere you look. Whether you are experiencing a blissful lightning flash of Pure Energy coursing through you or experiencing being hopelessly lost in the coldest darkness, you remain completely clear that when those two different spaces are fully unveiled, their core is absolutely identical. They are both simply your Beloved, disguised.
When the endless disguises of Being no longer fool you, it no longer matters which disguise you encounter. Every wave is seen to be Pure Ocean at its core. Every cloak is a harbinger of Truth. Every dragon, a child’s robe.
And then you’re free from the dragon skin. You’re free from everything.
True freedom is not freedom from anything. It is freedom within anything. Freedom within whatever cloak or skin you have around you. Freedom within whatever wave is arising, no matter how cold or ferocious or powerful or merciless. Costumes are no longer taken at face value. They are no longer convincing. Not your costume, and not the costumes of others. Every face you see becomes a unique, beautiful mask, veiling the Formless Face of your Beloved. Nicholas of Cusa, wrote “In all faces is shown the Face of faces, veiled and in a riddle.”
Sounds kind of like Halloween. There are all these evil and scary ghosts and goblins and witches and mummies and political leaders running amuck, but really behind all the scary masks are innocent children.
Just looking for a little nectar.
Okay, so basically, techniques can help us sort of enter the territory of Essence. And that can help us be more willing to surrender to it. Which means that for those of us who aren’t so eager to be lured into giving up our lives, as long as we stay away from techniques and open roses and gatherings of like-hearted people, we’re probably safe. That’s a helpful tip to keep in mind.
It’s not that once you are lured deep enough into the woods of Essence, far away from your familiar world, you’re suddenly snatched up and sacrificed against your will, never to be seen again.
Well, it happened in “The Blair Witch Project”. Actually, it happens in just about every scary movie. You’d think it would just be common sense– if you’re on the edge of some dark, foreboding woods and you start to hear scary, slowly building music, you get the hell out of there. “Gee, I wonder what that scary, slowly building music is over there in those dark, foreboding woods. I think it might be a good idea to walk over there alone in the dark without a flashlight to check it out.” Sorry, go ahead.
So as you enter deeper and deeper into Pure Reality, you always have the freedom to turn back and return to your old ways. It may not be easy and it may feel untrue, but you always have that choice. So there’s no need to steer clear of experiences or people that help you taste Essence out of fear it will take you over.
The truth is that most people who do spiritual practices spend years doing techniques to change things from the outside in, without ever giving their deepest, innermost consent for Pure Being to be the master of their lives. And most people who spend time with Self realized teachers spend years trying to get all they can from the teacher, to attain more understanding and become more “spiritual”, without ever giving their deepest consent for Pure Being to unconditionally flow through them as it wishes. So even the most powerful technique or the most surrendered teacher cannot take your life from you and give it to Pure Being. You will remain the controller and master of your life until, from the depths of your heart, you say simply and unconditionally, “yes.”
It sounds like you’re basically saying that most people who make spirituality a priority in their lives don’t really want to surrender. That could upset a lot of people.
There is the greatest difference between emotional sincerity and an absolute willingness, to the bone, to pay the perceived cost of completely surrendering the personal self.
You say “perceived” cost because what you lose really isn’t anything compared to Pure Being?
Right.
What do you mean emotional sincerity?
For years I was oozing with heart-felt sincerity about surrendering. I thought I really meant it. Sometimes I would work myself up into a state of anguished dispair. “I surrender! Where are you? Come on! I give you everything. But nothing is happening. What’s the point of surrendering everything to you if nothing is happening? Why won’t you come to me?”
Even though I wasn’t willing to admit it to myself, I wasn’t surrendering, I was negotiating. “I’ll surrender everything as long as I get to have you”. I still had my limit, my boundary, my line. I wasn’t willing to surrender to the bone.
What do you mean to the bone?
I wanted all of my ugly selfish skins to be replaced by the beautiful, vibrant skins of True Surrender. So that I could wear them. I was becoming more and more willing for everything to be taken from me. As long as I still got to be here to soak in the benefits. I wanted to be given wings but I wasn’t willing to dissolve my caterpillar bones into a butterfly. I wasn’t willing to surrender the most basic, fundamental structures and foundations by which I identified and supported my self. I wasn’t willing to surrender my bones.
As we touched on last week, it’s simply human nature that when we first begin to deepen our connection with Pure Reality, we don’t honestly, deep down, long to give our lives completely to the Living Flow of Being, for it to live through us in the world. If that were honestly what we wanted, it would happen instantly. We would immediately and effortlessly bow down our will, surrender our throne, and our old life would be finished. From the inside out. We would rest our head once and for all in the Infinite depths of this Living Moment, wanting nothing, resisting nothing, waiting for nothing, hoping for nothing. Simply allowing ourselves to be completely lived by the spontaneous Pulse of Pure Life. There would be no need for any practices or paths. Each breath would be fully given to our Beloved, effortlessly.
Maybe the surrender could happen instantly, but you said it still takes a while to get rid of mental distortions and issues and stuff like that.
We don’t need to get rid of them. We don’t have to worry about untying the knots, we just let go of the rope we’ve been holding so tightly. It’s true that the knots gradually become untied by themselves and the rope returns to its natural straightness, but that is not our agenda or concern. There is infinitely more value in a knotted rope completely given to Pure Being than in a straight one we use for ourselves. It is not the degree of our clarity or expandedness that is important. It is the degree of our surrender, even in the midst of great blindness and contraction.
Wow. That makes sense. Like the little drummer boy. It isn’t how much you give, it’s how much of what you have to give do you actually give. the little drummer boy gave a hundred percent, and so that was the most precious gift.
Exactly.
* * * * * *
So, as our connection with and love for Essence deepens, our foggy vision begins to clear, and we can begin to realize how meaningless the dreams and desires of our personality are compared with serving as an empty vessel for Pure Being to flow into the world. It takes a great deal of honesty to allow ourselves to see this clearly. An unwavering, ruthless honesty, that keeps burning through the false skins of our distortions, in spite of the intense pain that can cause. And once we let ourselves die before we die, we finally rest in the Unborn Self, which death can never touch. This dying is a letting go of everything we might ever want for ourselves, unconditionally. “Thy will, not mine be done.” So, it can be a step by step process to allow Pure Being to become our Beloved, and then finally to give all of our life over to that which is most Pure, most Precious, and most True. The fifteenth century monk, Thomas Kempis, wrote “All that is in this world is vanity, but to love God and to serve only Him.”
And I guess most of us aren’t so willing to ever get to that point. To let go of everything else. Like I’ve said, I’m nowhere near that point, and not that eager to be.
Most people are only willing to go as far as they are comfortable with. They are only willing to give up so much before the price is too high. Some draw that line very early. And others, like me not so long ago, gladly give up layer after layer of all that hinders them from getting as much from Essence as possible, right up to the point where they would have to give up being the owner and controller of their lives.
Do any of them have any books out? Not that their approach sounds better than the total annihilation of everything I think I am.
It’s understandable that this is how we are. We’re only trying to ensure our well-being and happiness and survivor, even if through very distorted efforts. My intention here is not to lay blame or pass judgment. It’s no small thing to give up absolutely everything, including even getting to have our Beloved, so that our Beloved may fully have us. I know the concept of surrender is not a popular one in today’s world of personal empowerment,–
–Yeah, your approval ratings are taking a nose dive.
But it’s still true that any reaching outward to get, any pulling towards to own, any grasping onto to keep, and any pushing away to defend is all evidence that there is still some dishonesty. That there is still a personal agenda ranked higher in importance than letting ourselves be a fountain through which Pure Being can flow. As long as there are still some lifeless nuggets of fool’s gold tightly grasped in our hands, we cannot completely open to the nectarous rays of Pure Gold endlessly pouring into this world.
Socrates said, nearly twenty-five hundred years ago, “When one is always occupied with the cravings of desire and ambition which he is eagerly striving to satisfy, all his thoughts must be mortal… he has made great his mortal part.” But our mortal part, our small self, is not great. And it’s the trying to make it so that pushes away that which alone is truly Great.
Socrates was into this stuff too?
Yes. He said “The true lover of knowledge is always striving after Being– that is his nature; he will not rest at those multitudinous particular phenomena whose existence is in appearance only, but will go on… until he has attained the knowledge of the true nature of all essence by a sympathetic and kindred power in the soul. And by that power, drawing near and becoming one with very Being, … he will know and truly live and increase. Then, and only then, will he cease from his travail.” And Plato said “When the soul returns into itself and reflects, it passes into… the region of that which is pure and everlasting, immortal and unchangeable.”
That was all Greek to me.
They’re basically just saying what all the others have said. So, it’s true that most of us who feel drawn towards the Most Real are content to wade in the shallows of Essence. Where we can make sure we don’t get in over our heads. Far fewer swim out towards the deep, and fewer still finally let their arms be still, and let themselves calmly drown.
Gee, that certainly sounds appealing. So what happens when you drown?
As long as you are fighting this Living Water, it is your enemy, to be feared and conquered. But once you completely let it have you, it quenches thirsts you didn’t even know you had. And as you sink deeper into its infinite depths, you somehow find yourself simultaneously being lifted up out of it, into the surface of life. That soft and gentle water caressing you as you melt somehow simultaneously becomes an indescribably solid support, the most firm foundation on which your life rests.
Maybe that’s how Jesus walked on water. Either that or the lake was frozen. So basically, most of us into this stuff just kind of hang out on the beach and get our feet wet now and then.
Yes. We humans are, by nature, cautious, self protecting creatures. The first time we encounter a strange ocean, we are not likely to dive in. Even if we feel a magnetic pull towards it, a knowing that its nectarous water would quench the deepest longings within us. We are hesitant at first even to put our toes in it. And then we slowly explore it, trying to determine how safe it is for us. We determine how deeply we can immerse ourselves without risking losing anything valuable. How much we can take from it without having to give up anything too important. And once we glimpse the truth that all we have taken ourselves to be is in danger of peeling away if we let ourselves sink down too deeply, we will likely spend the rest of our lives relaxing in the shallows. Where we can safely keep ourselves together while bathing in the gentle lagoon.
Sounds like a plan.
And some of us who stay close to shore may practice techniques that help us develop the ability to reach way down into the depths from the safe shallows, and scoop some pure, pristine Essence up for us and others to drink. And the deeper down we can reach, the more spiritual we may believe we are. But that isn’t dissolving into Truth. It isn’t surrendering to the Beloved. It’s a simple stretching exercise, in which we develop tentacles that can reach down and steal from a Treasure we value only enough to take from, not enough to give ourselves to. That’s not spiritual growth. It’s only a parlor trick. It’s merely learning to be a contortionist. Useful only in getting others to applaud and in feeling better about ourselves. Tentacles are only for those wanting to keep a safe distance from that which they want to grab. Saint John of the Cross wrote “The fly that touches honey cannot use its wings; so the soul that clings to spiritual sweetness ruins its freedom and hinders contemplations.”
Many, many people try to wear Essence around them as it suits them, while they remain the center of their lives. Far fewer allow Essence to fully be their True Center, and themselves to be freely and unconditionally worn by it. Such people are, in a sense, the living gloves of Essence. They are the medium that allows the Formless to directly experience and express and live and move in form.
Practices can help you develop a connection with Pure Being. But sooner or later, you must let go of your bag of tricks. Grasping onto even very useful practices eventually becomes a hindrance. Identification with any form ensures a degree of separation from the Formless. Holding onto any structure keeps Structurelessness at bay. It’s been said that you cannot get to a place you don’t know by any way that you know.
But you said you might still do techniques after you are Home, if it kind of flows for you to do them.
Yes, from a place of spontaneous, effortless expression, not in order to get or change or improve or remove anything.
Okay, so I have this image of sacrificing yourself into the volcano. It doesn’t take any effort or skill at all to just let yourself fall in. But to be ready and willing to do it, it seems like that would take a hell of a lot of preparation. And then you have to climb up to the rim. Maybe that’s where practices come in. To get you ready and get you to the top.
Complete surrender can happen in an instant. But the reality is that for most of us, we are so identified with our shells that it feels too threatening to let go of our attachment to them all at once. We deeply believe the skin we are shedding is our self. So it can be helpful at first to focus on melting away some of the outer layers of ice that we think we are, and on experiencing a deeper, purer, more real place inside.
Yeah, as long as I think I’m made of ice, there’s not a chance in hell I’m going anywhere near a volcano.
Exactly. But you might be willing to allow a few of the most outer layers to melt away. As long as it doesn’t get in too deep. Of course, the ego is quite satisfied with this approach of trying to work on ourselves bit by bit. After all, the ego is the doer. The controller. As long as we’re trying to do things to change anything about ourselves, it’s right at home. We’re just rearranging the furniture in our cage. And the ego is in no danger. As long as we’re actively working on thinning our shell, as long as we’re using techniques and approaches to try to get rid of distorted psychological structures in order to be free, then we are identifying ourselves as a structure that must be arranged a certain way if we are to find Structurelessness.
A lot of these arrows of yours are flying right over my head.
As long as there is the slightest precondition that is required in order for us to be happy, we will always be either striving to meet that condition or trying to hold on to it. And both of these interfere with True Joy. So when we believe we can’t be truly happy until we are free from the confines of our small self, it’s the ego that thinks “If only I can disengage the ego, I’ll be happy.” But the doer cannot do anything that makes the doer disappear. The very act of effortful doing ensures its survival. Do you follow? As long as we’re trying to do something, anything, to stop doing, we are ensuring the dominance of that which we seek to stop. Only the ego is dense enough to hold the heavy sword we swing to try to kill it.
So it can never kill itself?
Exactly.
So as long as we’re trying to do something to stop being identified with the ego, all that effort and trying and doing is coming from the ego.
Yes, exactly. The ego is the doer.
And as long as we’re trying to control the situation, even trying to surrender, then we’re keeping our ego in the driver’s seat. It’s like the harder we try to get out, the more we’re trapped.
Exactly.
Just like corn starch.
Corn starch?
Yeah. If you put a box of corn starch in a bowl and mix in a cup or two of water, it gets a really cool consistency. If you just slowly and gently let your fingers sort of sink into it, it feels like a liquid. You can move your hand around in it really slowly and there’s no resistance at all. But then if you use a little force and just try to pull your hand out really quickly, wham! It turns into thick cement for as long as you’re using force. You’re stuck. You can’t get anywhere. But the instant you just let yourself relax and just kind of easily glide your hand through it again, it’s back to being a liquid. Then it’s easy to let your hand just kind of rise out of it. And it’s the same thing if you make a fist and try to slam your hand down into it. It’s like you’re hitting a brick. It doesn’t give at all. There’s no way you’re breaking through it. But if you just gently rest your hand on top of it, it just kind of melts to the bottom effortlessly.
That’s fascinating. Another great example. You seem to have a gift for metaphors.
Well, I never metaphor I didn’t like. Anyway, it’s pretty wild. You definitely try it sometime before you die. Because afterwards, it’s really hard to stir the mixture.
* * * * * *
Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, you were talking about volcanoes and egos.
Both of which happen to generate quite a bit of hot air.
So it sounds like you’re saying that you have to put work into getting to the point where you’re ready to really let go, like you have to climb up to the mouth of the volcano before you can jump in.
It’s not that you have to climb up the volcano first. The endless fall can begin in an instant, in this instant, without any preparation or practices or study. But as I’ve said, most people find it too difficult to let go of the ego all at once, especially when they are still so strongly identified with it. At first, most people value themselves more than that mysterious, pure, refreshing, subtle Living Presence which they’ve had a few powerful experiences of.
But where I was going with that is even when you’re climbing up the volcano, sooner or later you reach a point at the top where effort can’t get you any closer to where you want to be. You can’t really get anywhere new by walking. And as long as you still think of yourself as a person working to get somewhere else, then maybe it’s like you’re just endlessly circling the crater. You’re stuck as long as you’re trying to get somewhere new and higher and better. Does that make any sense?
Yes. And that endless circling is just fine with the ego. That searching and trying ensures its well-being.
It sounds like you’re saying that the only one even trying to get rid of the ego is the ego.
What else is there that would want to try to de-structure the ego?
What about Essence?
Why would Essence need to change structure in order to have what it already is? What is a tiny droplet of fog to the endless sky? Why would a beam of light have a need to change the shape of the star it is projecting onto the wall? How could that possibly affect the beam? There is no need for structure to change in order for Pure Structurelessness to be aware of itself.
Well, maybe Essence doesn’t need to change structure for itself, but why wouldn’t it want to, to help free us from the ego?
But we’re not trapped in the ego’s cage. We are the ones holding the ego captive. It’s not the ego that is grasping onto us. We are grasping onto it! Once we let go of it, it’s no longer a problem. It no longer defines who we are. It’s no longer fed and held together by the energy of our effort and attention, and so its heavy skins begin to disintegrate. So, how could Pure Being “free us” from it except to pry our tight hands away? It would have to use force to make us do something that if we truly wanted to do, we could effortlessly do, just by letting go. And Essence would never use force to change anything. It accepts this moment so completely, so unconditionally, it never has a desire for anything to be different than it is. Its very way of being is one of fully allowing and merging with what is, rather than forcing something to be different first. The sixteenth century Protestant theologian, Hans Denk, wrote “God forces no one, for love cannot compel, and God’s service, therefore, is a thing of perfect freedom.”
Your True Nature is so overflowing with gentleness and love and acceptance, it so completely settles into whatever wave may arise, that there is no change at all that must happen in structure, no condition that must be met first, for the Pure Awareness that you truly are to fully rest in its Self. Your Essence has no problem with any structure. Structure can’t keep Essence away. Only you can.
Which “you” are you talking about? The ego?
You as a spark of Pure Awareness that is identified with the ego. The ego itself is no problem when you no longer grasp on to it. No structure has the power to keep Essence away from us without our participation and agreement. So, deep down, we’re aware that this identification with our body and mind is stifling our connection to our True Nature. But rather than actually letting go of everything we think we are, which would result in an effortless falling back into limitless Beingness, we try to figure out a way to catch and own the Infinite Heart for ourselves. But as long as we’re trying to get that over there for us over here, it’s already too late. No move will be the right move. No surrender will be a true surrender. Nothing we try will result in an unconditional falling into Pure Infinite Love.
So it sounds like it’s really about just switching masters. Switching allegiance, kind of, from your ego to Pure Being. Letting that become your master instead.
Ahh, but I’ll let you in on a little secret.
Haven’t you read the book “Secrets Make Us Sick, But Don’t Tell Anyone”?
Somehow I missed that one. This is only a secret because not many are willing to hear it.
Kind of like how often I clean my bathroom.
Something like that. This is a different way of looking at it than how it’s usually talked about. A more precise way of describing what happens than I’ve been using. You have it backwards. The ego has never been your master. You have been its master. And it has worked so hard for so long to try to give you all that you’ve asked for. Money, love, approval, security, power, and so forth. The mind is simply a willing servant. It does the best it can with what is asked of it. It is innocent. The mind is innocent! It can only be soiled by the mud of its master. A mind is only tainted by the insistence of an impure heart. The impure heart of a separated spark of Pure Consciousness that is unwilling to dissolve back into the One Sun. That is unwilling to give control back to the rightful owner of this life, Pure Living Beingness.
That’s a different way to look at it.
When you finally give the throne you have taken back to Pure Being, and let it be the master, then the ego begins to open and relax and soften. Its new master is so overflowing with love and tenderness and warmth and okayness, the ego naturally begins to match that way of being. It unwinds and melts into gentle beingness. Its hard skins fall away until what remains is the pristine personality, that is such a contented, grateful, love-filled, agendaless servant.
But you’ve been talking about letting go of the ego.
Yes. But from this perspective, it’s not letting go of it in order to get rid of it. It’s letting go of it in order to get rid of you. When you let go of all the structures you’ve been grasping, there’s nothing left to hold you together. It’s your way of being that’s interfering with fully being congruent with Reality. The ego only matches the way of being it sees in you.
You mean we’re actually letting go of all our attachments not to get rid of them, but to get rid of us? So that nothing is holding us together? So that we can dissolve?
Exactly!
What a dirty trick! And what happens to us when we aren’t holding onto anything anymore?
There is Pure Being. Pure Infinite Consciousness. And there is our own individual conscious spark of Pure Being, that we hold separate from it even though we’re the same at the Core. That is us. And then there are the patterns of mental and physical structures which make up the form to which our consciousness attaches.
So the ego gets to hang around, and Pure Being gets to hang around. And we don’t fricking get anything! Maybe I’m missing something here, but it sounds like we’re getting the short end of the stick.
We were never meant to get any of the stick. And for eons, we’ve only wanted more and more of it, no matter how much we’ve already taken. So, we tend to think the goal is to get rid of the ego, so that it’s just us and Pure Being living happily ever after. But this isn’t what happens. The obstacle isn’t the ego. The obstacle is us. We are the impure heart that masters the mind. An impure heart cannot change the ego, fix the ego, soften the ego, or get rid of the ego.
You can’t alter ego.
The mind is simply the expression in form of the consciousness that masters it. For us to try to change anything about the ego is like a mean, angry man trying to force his dog to be nicer. All he can do is threaten. All he can do is force. And his faithful dog, trying so hard to please, can’t understand the gibberish of words. It can only watch its master’s way of being and try to learn how to be from him. And the master’s controlling grip on the leash is so tight, the dog hardly has room to breath, and very seldom gets a chance to really relax and just be.
Poor dog. It’s doing the best it can. It could have learned from Bonnie how to be a very, very nice dog.
It sounds like it. So, we flowed out of Pure Boundless Consciousness, and then when it was time to dissolve back Home, so that fresh, new petals could bloom, we said “No. I like it here. I think I’ll stay a while.” And we have only become more lost and confused and needier and more insistent ever since. And as long as Home is just another treasure we are trying to add to our collection, so that we can be happier masters of our lives, our search for all that is missing within us will be endless.
It’s ironic, isn’t it? All that work to tame and get rid of the ego, and it doesn’t even have to go anywhere! It gets to stay right where it is, in this body, living this life. The ego doesn’t have to die. We do.
That’s really unfair. Who can I complain to about this? Do they ever have public town meetings to discuss revamping the system? I mean, I was never informed about this before I left Home. It wasn’t in the brochure.
First page, towards the top. Big letters: “Come visit the amazing world of form. But sooner or later, you’ll have to return Home. All that is born must die. All that flows out of Essence must fall back into it.” We all knew it. We all agreed. But once we got here, most of us dug in our heals and refused to go back. We really don’t want to give up all our fool’s gold. It’s understandable that we resist. But it’s still untrue. We’re going against the natural way of things. It’s such a strong, ancient, true current we’ve been fighting against. That’s why our soul is so restless and tired. It knows the truth. We’ve always known. Only the Heart of the soul is meant to be immortal. Every structural layer of the soul, every part that would live for itself or protect itself or resist the call to dissolve back Home, is meant to fall away. Way down, beneath the lies and distortions and selfishness and confusion, we’ve always known this to be true. And once we are really willing to stop resisting this natural flow of Being, it happens by itself, completely effortlessly, from the inside out.
Wow. Pretty amazing to hear it put this way. And exercises and techniques and paths start on the outside and work their way in.
Basically. But the best they can ever do is give us glimpses of Home, and temporary visits. And help us remember the truth and rightness of this simple fact: For Pure Being to truly live in this life, as it is meant to, we must completely give it our entire existence.
Even when we know the unshakable truth of this, it’s still up to us to surrender. This true surrender can only happen from the inside out. From the most basic, fundamental layer of our separate consciousness. It isn’t about trying to make changes on the outside. That’s just polishing the shell. That’s fine to do, but it doesn’t often go very deep.
What we are speaking of is just a very simple, tender change of heart. All that changes is our response to the gentle, ever-present pull of Home. For long enough we have been saying “No. Not yet. Just a little longer. I know there must be a way for me to keep my life and have the Divine. Let me just keep trying to figure out how.” But now, we simply say “Yes”. “Yes, Pure Being can be the master of this life. Yes, I will fall back into the Infinite Heart of Pure Home. Yes, I will die as an individual being. Yes, I am unconditionally Yours.”
That change of heart is not something we can force. A forced “yes” is only a “no” in a very thin disguise. We cannot do it or push it or hurry it along. That which would force a “yes” would also use it. Insistence always has an agenda. So insistence for Real Gold is no cleaner than insistence for fool’s gold. Grasping is grasping. But a Pure “Yes” has no grasping. No insistence. No pressure. No effort holding it up. It requires not the slightest tightening or mental effort. It is more simple, more natural and more spontaneous than any of that. It happens from the inside out. Remember that poem from the first few days:
All night I could not sleep.
Because of the moonlight on my bed.
I kept on hearing a voice calling.
Out of Nowhere, Nothing answered “yes”.
When we finally allow this unconditional “yes” to flow again from the heart of our being, it’s over. The ego is free to do what it wants, but we have taken our hands completely off of it. We have let go of the leash. We are no longer its master. It may keep trying to carry out old orders for a while, but that is no longer our concern. And of course, we cannot possibly control Pure Being, and force it to take us back into its Infinite, Overflowing Heart this instant. So what is there left to do? Absolutely nothing. Once we give our absolute consent, to the bone, our part is finished. We simply rest in the free fall of ever-deepening Yesness. And let Grace unfold as it will.
Until, sooner or later, gradually or suddenly, the Living Ocean merges with that separated drop and brings it Home. The illusion of separateness within that drop is gone. The drop ceases to exist. And yet, it isn’t dead. It’s more alive than it has ever been. What is dead is its ownership. Its controllingness. Its separate self. But the Pure Consciousness within that drop is one with Pure Existence. It is Infinite Love! Now that it has dared to die, it is Pure Living Flow! And then the mind and body finally get to live as humble, joyous servants of the True Master.
We look back, from the other side of the door, and laugh at how we thought there was a cost! Laugh at how we were so dramatic at times, about surrendering and giving up our lives. All that had to die was our insistence. All that we had to surrender was our me-centered orbit. Same basic body. Same basic mind. Same basic “me”. And yet, now they all happily orbit their Real Master. And through them flows the Living Nectar of Eternal Spring. Tomorrow then.