I’m lost as last year’s Easter egg.

We’re as lost as three bats in a hail storm.

“Aw foot”
“What’s the matter? You got the can’t help-its?”
“Them that don’t work, don’t eat.”
“Don’t let yer eyes overload yer belly.”
“Wall yer eyes, back yer ears and grit yer teeth.”
“Come here and gimme a yankee dime.”
“You ain’t worth a plug nickel.”
“Did you let a stinker?”
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”
“You’re about as slow as molasses.”
“If the Lord’s willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“She’s madder than an old wet hen.”
“I’m as nerveous as a cat on a hot tin roof.”
“He’s as worthless as tits on a boar hog.”
“It’s deader than a door knob.”
“He was fit to be tied.”
“That’s as green as a goard.”
“He don’t have a lick of sense.”
“Stop runnin’ around like a chicken with it’s head cut off.”
“He’s about as crooked as a snake.”
“Boy, I’m gonna tear your hind end up.”
“Come here whistle britches.”
“They’re livin’ in sin.”
“Don’t count yer chickens before they hatch.”
“He ain’t got a lick of sense.”
“Don’t bite off more ‘en you can chew.”
“You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Just sit there like a bump on a log.”
“I’m as full as a tick on a dog.”
“You’d complain if they were gonna hang you with a gold rope.”
“That money’s burnin’ a hole in your pocket.”
“You’re a pistol.”
“You’re meaner than a rattle snake.”
“I’ve know you since you were knee high to a grasshopper.”
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”
“You’re about as stubborn as a mule.”
“It’s rainin’ cats and dogs.”
“He couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.”
“He’s got about as much chance as a stinker in a whirl wind.”
“The smell would gag a maggot on a gut wagon.”
“All yer gettin’ for Christmas is a bundle of switches.”
“It’s as flat as a flitter.”
“I’m fixin’ to give you a switchin’”
“I’m fixin’ to tan your hide.”
“You can just get glad in the same pants you got mad in.”
“I was so mad I could spit nails.”
“She’s was as cute as a speckled pup.”
“Are you outta’ pocket again?”
“There’ll be be doo-doo on the moon.”
“That’s like closin’ the barn door after the horse gets loose.”
“She’s goin’ hog wild.”
“He was as white as a sheet.”
“Yer gettin’ too big for yer britches.”
“Yer barkin’ up the wrong tree feller.”
“Yer livin’ pretty high on the hog.”
“That ain’t no hill for a stepper.”
“Every dog has his day.”
“I’m fixin’ to skin you alive.”
“Uglier than sin.”
“He’s higher than a kite.”
“Stop playin’ possum.”
“He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.”
“You’d argue with a sign post.”
“He’s so tight, he squeaks when he walks.”
“He was wound up tighter ‘en a bango string.”
“That kid could tear up a rail-road anvil.”
“He is as tough as a pine knot.”
“Don’t cut off yer nose to spite yer face.”
“The water was higher than a cat’s back.”
“It’s as scarce as hens teeth.”
“He’s happier than a pig in slop.”
“You could talk the horns off a billy goat.”
“Stop beating a dead horse.”
“Cryin’ like a dying cow in a hail storm.”

Couple bricks shy of a load.

Their elevator don’t go to the top.

Couple cans short of a six pack.

Bout a useless as an elevator in an outhouse.

“You kids are windier than a barrel full of a$$ holes.” (you kids are noisy and talk too much)

“This knife is so dull you could ride it down the Guyandotte River and back and it wouldn’t cut your a$$.” (dull knife)

My grandfather would often say:

“bigger than Pete” as in “He ran that red light bigger than Pete!”

“Crazier than a bed bug”

“Shanny boat” actually “shanty boat” (Used to describe something of poor build quality or in severe disrepair like the old makeshift houseboats cobbled together by drifters that traveled the Ohio River back in the day.)

“Don’t know sh*t from Shinola.” (a reference to an old brand of shoe polish in describing someone who lacks knowledge, intelligence and general good sense.)