Best Famous Quotes by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts, Kelvin III Throop, Thucyclides, Thucydides, James Grover Thurber, James Thurber, Howard Thurman, Tiberius, Phylos the Tibetan, Frank Tibolt, Henrik Tikkanen, Paul Johannes Tillich, Paul Tillich, Henry J. Tillman, John Tillotson, Jennifer Tilly, Melissa Timberman, Henry Timrod, Wu Ting-Fang, Ernest Fremont Title, Marshal Tito, Barbara Tober, Charles W. Tobey, Alexis Charles Henri Clrel de Tocqueville, Christine Todd, Alvin Toffler, J Tolkein, J. R. R. Tolkien, Eckhart Tolle, and Leo Tolstoy

A short funny song: I Got a Pea

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Best Famous Quotes by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts, Kelvin III Throop, Thucyclides, Thucydides, James Grover Thurber, James Thurber, Howard Thurman, Tiberius, Phylos the Tibetan, Frank Tibolt, Henrik Tikkanen, Paul Johannes Tillich, Paul Tillich, Henry J. Tillman, John Tillotson, Jennifer Tilly, Melissa Timberman, Henry Timrod, Wu Ting-Fang, Ernest Fremont Title, Marshal Tito, Barbara Tober, Charles W. Tobey, Alexis Charles Henri Clrel de Tocqueville, Christine Todd, Alvin Toffler, J Tolkein, J. R. R. Tolkien, Eckhart Tolle, and Leo Tolstoy

Best Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Quotes: The most famous quotes by Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, ‘Hey, can you give me a hand,’ you can say, ‘Sorry, got these sacks.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.) — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

You know something that would really make me applaud A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis How do they do that — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Here’s a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don’t know anybody First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol How about the pillow It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don’t let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he’ll thank you. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it’s some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, ‘What was THAT’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that will tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby Maybe we’ll never know. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy’s glove touch your lips, because you don’t know where that glove has been. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I hope that after I die, people will say of me ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don’t think I’d call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp’s gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re an archaeologist, I bet it’s real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it’s not a skull but just an old dried-out potato. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun It’s cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whenever I need to get away,” I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They’re terrible — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you’d look out your little window and think, Boy, I’m glad I’m not out in THAT.” — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don’t think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him and hand it to him. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re a boxing referee, it’s probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn’t. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

There are many stages to a man’s life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then ’skinned.” I’m not sure what the fourth stage is. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Can’t the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they’ve caused — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. ‘That was fun,’ I said. ‘You bet it was,’ said Nick. ‘Let’s climb higher.’ ‘No,’ I said. ‘I think we should be heading back now.’ ‘We have time,’ Nick insisted. I said we didn’t, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn’t say it was an interesting story. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus’s-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won’t bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I’m going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, ‘Hey, old buddy, how’s it going’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, ‘Hey, good job.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think a new, different kind of bowling should be ‘carpet bowling.’ It’s just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don’t know why we should do this, but my God, we’ve got to try something — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

A man doesn’t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. ‘Sorry,’ he said with a smile. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns—regular sun and ‘rogue’ sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I’d say, ‘Regular time’ And they’d say, ‘Yeah.’ And I’d say, ‘Sorry, all I have is rogue time.’ It’d be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I don’t pretend to have all the answers. I don’t pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I’d glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. ‘Wait a minute I thought WE won’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let’s say you have chosen the nickname ‘Fly Head’. Normally, you would think that ‘Fly Head’ would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn’t it also mean ‘having a head like a fly’ I’m afraid some people might actually think that. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

One thing about my Aunt Nadie She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she’d give it to you. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our ‘friend.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid’s pillow, how about a pinecone That way, he learns that ‘wishing’ isn’t going to save our national forests. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

It’s interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I remember one day I was at Grandpa’s farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, ‘Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don’t we go out to the horse pasture and I’ll show you.’ So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you ever feel like you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules First, calm down second, come over and wash my car third, shine all my shoes. There, isn’t that better — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

You know what would make a good story Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Too bad there’s not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you’d probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city slicker who came through, trying to peddle ‘hair restorer.’ He took everyone’s money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer, nobody had any money left to buy it — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don’t even care, do you. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, ‘I like mayonnaise.’ She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, ‘Hey, have you seen Fred’ And they’ll say, ‘Fred who’ And you say, ‘Fred of snakes’ Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, ‘Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while Come on, we’re not going to hurt it. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I ’swarm about’ to protect my nest of chocolate eggs. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you see an animal and you can’t tell if it’s a skunk or a cat, here’s a good saying to help ‘Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that’s all I have to say. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don’t think it necessarily means you’re a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If someone told me it wasn’t ‘fashionable’ to talk about freedom, I think I’d just have to look him square in the eye and say, ‘Okay, YOU TELL ME what’s fashionable’.’ But he won’t. And you know why Because you can’t ask someone what’s fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, ‘By the way, what’s fashionable’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Here’s a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you’re all covered with leeches. Just say, ‘Hey, has anybody seen my raisins’ (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.) — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can’t remember, all rolled into one big ‘thing.’ This is truth, to me. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there’s the monster, sound asleep. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Isn’t it funny how we’ll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it’s not the moon but a streetlight Also what’s funny is how we do this every night. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Too bad you can’t just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you’d be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. ‘What What’ I would yell back, but he never did speak English. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

There should be a detective show called ‘Johnny Monkey,’ because every week you could have a guy say ‘I ain’t gonna get caught by no MONKEY,’ but then he would, and I don’t think I’d ever get tired of that. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don’t think it’s a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, ‘Forgive me, but that’s just too much.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can’t seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it’s his parents. Then, some more pornography. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a ’shell’ if you will. But my shell isn’t made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one ’swollen’ shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He’d get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn’t have the right answers, mister, you’d be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn’t in the army. Then who WAS that guy — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he’s dragging the rattrap because it didn’t quite kill him, just tell the people he’s your pet and that’s a trick you taught him. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think there probably should be a rule that if you’re talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it’s understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, ‘If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.’ Just then the eclipse would start, and they’d probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, ‘Dust to dust,’ some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, ‘I’ll be waiting for you in heaven—with a gun.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I don’t think I’m ever more ‘aware’ than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Worship the potato The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship It’s simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch A jack-o’-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says ‘You.’ After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form ’spokes.’ Happiness is when he stops. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re traveling in a time machine, and you’re eating corn on the cob, I don’t think it’s going to affect things one way or the other. But here’s the point I’m trying to make Corn on the cob is good, isn’t it. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car—I forget what kind it was—and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called ‘Dad.’ We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he’d spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he’d yell out, ‘Tadpoles Tadpoles is a winner’ We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes Hey, better try the emergency brake — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

You know what’s probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests Just a big bag of blood. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If there’s ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of ‘bag.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Here’s a good joke to do during an earthquake Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go ‘Whoa Whoa’ and flail your arms around, like you’re going to fall in. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

To me, there’s no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there’s a globe lying next to him. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

You can’t tell me that cowboys, when they’re branding cattle, don’t sort of ‘accidentally’ brand each other every once in a while. It’s their way of letting off stress. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they’d still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn’t eat so much. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, ‘Hey look. He’s carrying a soldering iron’ and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, ‘That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.’ Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you You’d be wrong though. It’s Hambone. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you ever go temporarily insane, don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you’d really be surprised. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Marta said I don’t seem to like to read fiction very much. ‘I guess you’re not an afictionado’,’ she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn’t even know the right word. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, ‘Congratulations, it’s a girl,’ I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, ‘A girl You must have me mixed up with THAT dork’ and point to another father. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, ‘No speaka English.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don’t ever call us ‘ants,’ because we hate that. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Laurie got offended that I used the word ‘puke.’ But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, ‘Go ahead and do whatever you want, it’s okay by me.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If I ever become a mummy, I’m going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, ‘Hey, I’m Vine Man.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone’s lip. Even if they smash you, ick, you’re all over their lip — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don’t think you could cover fuses in just one class. It’s just too rich a subject. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our ’stink’ around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Here’s a good tip for when you go to the beach A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don’t taste like it. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, ‘You know what will save the world You’re holding it in your hand.’ And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said ‘Watch For Rocks.’ Marta said it should read ‘Watch For PRETTY Rocks.’ I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke—just to get out of writing a simple letter And I thought I was lazy — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words—’mank’ and ‘ind’. What do these words mean It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, ‘Why you stupid, stupid bastard’ Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wish there was a disease where you’re afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I’m not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They’re just not ready. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it’s two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When you go to a party at somebody’s house, don’t automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk And after you’re real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don’t understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen’s round metal hat. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling Sometimes it seemed that way. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whenever anyone says ‘I can’t,’ it makes me wish he’d get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says ‘I’ll try,’ five thousand bees. (‘I can,’ one bee.) — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I’d rather be rich than stupid. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, ‘I swallowed it. So sue me.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don’t also shoot some fireworks out the window It would make the whole takeoff look more impressive. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I’m not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I’m doing while they’re aiming it at me I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, ‘You can’t throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.’ Sure they eat fish, if that’s all you give them. Man, wise up. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ‘Oh, no,’ I said, ‘Disneyland burned down.’ He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you get invited to your first orgy, don’t just show up nude. That’s a common mistake. You have to let nudity ‘happen.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat) — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wouldn’t be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn’t a person, because it would be too small. But there’s a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy—something like that. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If doctors ever tell you that you’ve ‘flipped out,’ don’t believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me ‘the Man’ is behind this. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Isn’t it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were ‘just going down to the corner.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If I was being executed by injection, I’d clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I’d say, ‘Injection I thought you said inspection’.’ They’d probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we’re not ready. But maybe they’ll change their tune after a little torture. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable—until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

A funny thing is if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who’s going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, ‘Yes, my name’s Todd. Todd Blankenship.’ Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I’m just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call ‘image fuzz-out.’ But I’ve never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn’t totally go by what I’ve just said here. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick ‘Americans’ as their mascot. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Let’s be honest Isn’t a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo, I’d have all my money back. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, ummmm, boy. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. ‘Uh-oh,’ he thought. ‘This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what They never find him. And you know why they never find him It doesn’t say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there’s a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn’t know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. ‘THAT’S MISTER SWENSON,’ they said. Oh, my mistake. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don’t stop and start thinking of what other words have ‘under’ in them, because that’s probably the first sign of jungle madness. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That’s called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off to go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening, when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that’s the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won’t laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE’S GOING — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I’d save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I’d go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I’d say, ‘Looking for gold, ya durn fool.’ He’d say, ‘Your pick is gold.’ And I’d say, ‘well, that was easy.’ Good joke, huh — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor—through some kind of space warp or something. ‘Go, Bob, go’ yelled one of the generals. ‘Give me that’ said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. ‘Listen, Bob,’ he said. ‘You’ve got to steer that meteor away from Earth.’ ‘Yes, but how’ thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I’m telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I bet when they weren’t fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, ‘What am I doing’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

What am I afraid of I’ll tell you a feather. that’s right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That’s an honest question, and I’ll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I’m telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF Is anyone listening to me — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Isn’t it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you’re just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula, but you just say, ‘Think again, bat man.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder if I’m patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn’t get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. ‘Get down’ yelled Uncle Lou. ‘Don’t move’ screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn’t listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened after that. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I don’t think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn’t really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they’re waving good-bye. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

The tiger can’t change his spots. No, wait, he did Good for him — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I’d go, but I’d try to find some excuse to leave early. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what’s wrong with little bits of cheese They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think my favorite monster movie is ‘Gone With the Wind’, because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you go to a costume party at your boss’s house, wouldn’t you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss’s wife Trust me, it’s not. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

It’s not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with a wooden stake. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re an ant, and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because, man, they’re gone. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like ‘Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me’ or ‘Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed’ Man, quit being so cheap — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you ever discover that what you’re seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home, his face might burn up. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they’re thinking, you can throw a real grenade. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

A quiz If I am my brother’s keeper, who am I (Answer me.) — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending that he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they’re making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, ‘Hey, let’s put him in the movie.’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I’d try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Just because swans mate for life, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. First of all, if you’re a swan, you’re probably not going to find a swan that looks that much better than the one you’ve got, so why not mate for life — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Here’s a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think a good movie would be about a guy who’s a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that’s always biting you on the ankles, still that’s pretty good isn’t it I’m going to go ahead and keep you in the ‘happy’ category. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, ‘Boy, these are good cigars’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn’t designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese ‘gems’ from burglars. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whenever I open a door, I pull on the doorknob real hard, because isn’t there a saying that if it comes off in your hand, you can rear back and throw it as hard as you can I thought I heard that somewhere. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If I could be a bird, I think I’d be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, ‘Aw, who cares’ And then I think, ‘Hey, what’s for supper’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I don’t say that the bird is ‘good’ or the bat is ‘bad.’ But I will say this At least the bird is less nude. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of stainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Instead of having ‘answers’ on a math test, they should just call them ‘impressions,’ and if you got a different ‘impression,’ so what, can’t we all be brothers — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

It’s easy to sit and scoff at an old man’s folly. But also, check out his Adam’s apple — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn’t laugh very much. Some friend HE is. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don’t tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you want to be the popular one at a party, here’s a good thing to do Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, ‘Well, technically that’s illegal.’ It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn’t, so what, I hate this stupid party. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

You know how to paint a room real fast Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy Oh, well, never saw HIM again. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When I heard that trees grow a new ‘ring’ for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all of our skin layers. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, ‘Okay, as long as it’s not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know.’ He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought ‘This story isn’t too long.’ But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, ‘Uh-oh, this story is getting long.’ But then the story was over, and I said to myself ‘You know, that story wasn’t too long after all.’ I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

You know what makes good hair for a snow man REAL hair. Don’t ask me why, but it works. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Carl would have to be fast to beat the stranger. Real fast. ‘Draw,’ said the stranger. Carl went for his gun, but then ‘Hey, where did all these angels come from’ — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When you’re going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you’re trying to remember a happy memory, don’t think back to a time when you were ALSO thinking of a happy memory, because man, how long does this go on — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, ‘Can’t you make it shoot farther’ No. I’m sorry. That’s as far as it shoots. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it’s gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I’ll tell you why Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

If you had to list the different types of haircuts in order of how warm they kept the head, you’d probably put the flat-top down near the bottom. But you know, I bet it’s surprisingly warm. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing a better house — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows but without that noise. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can’t think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes. — Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Best Kelvin III Throop Quotes: The most famous quotes by Kelvin III Throop

Isn’t it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists — Kelvin III Throop

Best Thucyclides Quotes: The most famous quotes by Thucyclides

The strong do what they have to do and the weak accept what they have to accept. — Thucyclides

The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding go out to meet it. — Thucyclides

Those who really deserve praise are the people who, while human enough to enjoy power, nevertheless pay more attention to justice than they are compelled to do by their situation. — Thucyclides

Of all manifestations of power, restraint impresses men the most. — Thucyclides

Best Thucydides Quotes: The most famous quotes by Thucydides

The sufferings that fate inflicts on us should be borne with patience, what enemies inflict with manly courage. — Thucydides

We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. — Thucydides

Best James Grover Thurber Quotes: The most famous quotes by James Grover Thurber

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone — James Grover Thurber

Love is what you’ve been through with somebody. — James Grover Thurber

All men should strive to learn before they die What they are running from, and to, and why. — James Grover Thurber

Ours is a precarious language, as every writer knows, in which the merest shadow line often separates affirmation from negation, sense from nonsense, and one sex from the other. — James Grover Thurber

You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward. — James Grover Thurber

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. — James Grover Thurber

The dog has seldom been successful in pulling man up to its level of sagacity, but man has frequently dragged the dog down to his. — James Grover Thurber

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere. — James Grover Thurber

It is better to ask some of the questions than to know all the answers. — James Grover Thurber

Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. — James Grover Thurber

One has but to observe a community of beavers at work in a stream to understand the loss in his sagacity, balance, cooperation, competence, and purpose which Man has suffered since he rose up on his hind legs…. He began to chatter and he developed Reason, Thought, and Imagination, qualities which would get the smartest group of rabbits or orioles in the world into inextricable trouble overnight. — James Grover Thurber

The difference between our decadence and the Russians’ is that while theirs is brutal, ours is apathetic. — James Grover Thurber

With sixty staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and definite hardening of the paragraphs. — James Grover Thurber

I’m 65 and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics. But if there were fifteen months in every year, I’d only be 48. That’s the trouble with us. We number everything. Take women, for example. I think they deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of 28 and 40. — James Grover Thurber

All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first. — James Grover Thurber

But those rare souls whose spirit gets magically into the hearts of men, leave behind them something more real and warmly personal than bodily presence, an ineffable and eternal thing. It is everlasting life touching us as something more than a vague, recondite concept. The sound of a great name dies like an echo the splendor of fame fades into nothing but the grace of a fine spirit pervades the places through which it has passed, like the haunting loveliness of mignonette. — James Grover Thurber

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. — James Grover Thurber

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. — James Grover Thurber

Best James Thurber Quotes: The most famous quotes by James Thurber

I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness. — James Thurber

He knows all about art, but he doesn’t know what he likes. — James Thurber

I hate women because they always know where things are. — James Thurber

It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy. — James Thurber

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel. — James Thurber

The wit makes fun of other persons the satirist makes fun of the world the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people–that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature. — James Thurber

I loathe the expression What makes him tick. It is the American mind, looking for simple and singular solution, that uses the foolish expression. A person not only ticks, he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock in a thunderstorm. — James Thurber

Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation. — James Thurber

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. — James Thurber

All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. — James Thurber

You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward. — James Thurber

There are two kinds of light — the glow that illumines, and the glare that obscures. — James Thurber

The wit makes fun of other persons the satirist makes fun of the world the humorist makes fun of himself. — James Thurber

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. — James Thurber

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead. — James Thurber

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. — James Thurber

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. — James Thurber

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone — James Thurber

Her own mother lived the latter years of her life in the horrible suspicion that electricity was dripping invisibly all over the house. — James Thurber

Best Howard Thurman Quotes: The most famous quotes by Howard Thurman

Commitment means that it is possible for a man to yield the nerve center of his consent to a purpose or cause, a movement or an ideal, which may be more important to him than whether he lives or dies. — Howard Thurman

Follow the grain in your own wood. — Howard Thurman

Best Tiberius Quotes: The most famous quotes by Tiberius

In a free state there should be freedom of speech and thought. — Tiberius

Best Phylos the Tibetan Quotes: The most famous quotes by Phylos the Tibetan

This is before the coming of a new Heaven and a new Earth, in the which shall reign the Prince of Peace forever and forever, as the Old shall be passed away, for lo on earth there is nothing great but man in man there is nothing great but mind. . . . . — Phylos the Tibetan

Best Frank Tibolt Quotes: The most famous quotes by Frank Tibolt

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action. — Frank Tibolt

Best Henrik Tikkanen Quotes: The most famous quotes by Henrik Tikkanen

Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence. — Henrik Tikkanen

Best Paul Johannes Tillich Quotes: The most famous quotes by Paul Johannes Tillich

The awareness of the ambiguity of one’s highest achievements (as well as one’s deepest failures) is a definite symptom of maturity. — Paul Johannes Tillich

Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone. — Paul Johannes Tillich

Being religious means asking passionately the question of the meaning of our existence and being willing to receive answers, even if the answers hurt. — Paul Johannes Tillich

Best Paul Tillich Quotes: The most famous quotes by Paul Tillich

The first duty of love is to listen. — Paul Tillich

Man is asked to make of himself what he is supposed to become to fulfill his destiny. — Paul Tillich

The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable. — Paul Tillich

Best Henry J. Tillman Quotes: The most famous quotes by Henry J. Tillman

Life is something that everyone should try at least once. — Henry J. Tillman

The world is my lobster. — Henry J. Tillman

Oregano is the spice of life. — Henry J. Tillman

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. — Henry J. Tillman

The saying Getting there is half the fun became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines. — Henry J. Tillman

Best John Tillotson Quotes: The most famous quotes by John Tillotson

A good word is an easy obligation but not to speak ill, requires only our silence, which costs nothing. — John Tillotson

Ignorance and inconsideration are the two great causes of the ruin of mankind. — John Tillotson

Best Jennifer Tilly Quotes: The most famous quotes by Jennifer Tilly

Don’t point out your flaws, because the world is not as sympathetic and nurturing as you think. — Jennifer Tilly

Best Melissa Timberman Quotes: The most famous quotes by Melissa Timberman

You simply *must* stop taking advice from other people. — Melissa Timberman

Best Henry Timrod Quotes: The most famous quotes by Henry Timrod

Spring is a true reconstructionist. — Henry Timrod

Best Wu Ting-Fang Quotes: The most famous quotes by Wu Ting-Fang

Education is like a double-edged sword. It may be turned to dangerous uses if it is not properly handled. — Wu Ting-Fang

Best Ernest Fremont Title Quotes: The most famous quotes by Ernest Fremont Title

The New Testament makes it abundantly clear that whenever the Kingdom of God was concerned Jesus was absolutely uncompromising, even when he realized that for him personally the alternative to compromise was crucifixion. — Ernest Fremont Title

Best Marshal Tito Quotes: The most famous quotes by Marshal Tito

Any movement in history which attempts to perpetuate itself, becomes reactionary. — Marshal Tito

Best Barbara Tober Quotes: The most famous quotes by Barbara Tober

Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening. — Barbara Tober

Best Charles W. Tobey Quotes: The most famous quotes by Charles W. Tobey

A democratic government is only as strong as the alert conscience of its people. — Charles W. Tobey

Best Alexis Charles Henri Clrel de Tocqueville Quotes: The most famous quotes by Alexis Charles Henri Clrel de Tocqueville

Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude. — Alexis Charles Henri Clrel de Tocqueville

America is great because she is good. If America ceases to be good, America will cease to be great. — Alexis Charles Henri Clrel de Tocqueville

Nothing is quite so wretchedly corrupt as an aristocracy which has lost its power but kept its wealth and which still has endless leisure to devote to nothing but banal enjoyments. All its great thoughts and passionate energy are things of the past, and nothing but a host of petty, gnawing vices now cling to it like worms to a corpse. — Alexis Charles Henri Clrel de Tocqueville

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. — Alexis Charles Henri Clrel de Tocqueville

America is a land of wonders, in which everything is in constant motion and every change seems an improvement. No natural boundary seems to be set to the efforts of man and in his eyes what is not yet done is only what he has not attempted to do. – from Democracy in America — Alexis Charles Henri Clrel de Tocqueville

In the South where slavery still exists, the Negroes are less carefully kept apart they sometimes share the labors and the recreations of the whites the whites consent to intermix with them to a certain extent, and although legislation treats them more harshly, the habits of the people are more tolerant and compassionate. — Alexis Charles Henri Clrel de Tocqueville

Whoever has inhabited the United States must have perceived that in those parts of the Union in which the Negroes are no longer slaves the have in no wise drawn nearer to the whites. On the contrary, the prejudice of race appears to be stronger in the states that have abolished slavery than those where it still exists and nowhere is it intolerant as in those states where servitude has never been known. — Alexis Charles Henri Clrel de Tocqueville

…The electoral franchise has been conferred upon the Negroes in almost all the states in which slavery has been abolished, but if they come forward to vote, their lives are in danger… The same schools do not receive the children of the black and of the European. In the theaters gold cannot procure a seat for the servile race beside their former masters in the hospitals they lie apart… Not only is slavery prohibited in Ohio, but no free Negroes are allowed to enter the territory of that state or to hold property in it. — Alexis Charles Henri Clrel de Tocqueville

Best Christine Todd Quotes: The most famous quotes by Christine Todd

‘These are days you’ll remember.’ If you recall nothing else from your graduation ceremony, remember you heard the New Jersey Governor quote from 10,000 Maniacs. — Christine Todd

Best Alvin Toffler Quotes: The most famous quotes by Alvin Toffler

The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. — Alvin Toffler

Humanity faces a quantum leap forward. It faces the deepest social upheaval and creative restructuring of all time. Without clearly recognizing it, we are engaged in building a remarkable new civilization from the ground up. This is the meaning of the Third Wave. — Alvin Toffler

If we do not learn from history, we shall be compelled to relive it. True. But if we do not change the future, we shall be compelled to endure it. And that could be worse. — Alvin Toffler

The recognition that no knowledge can be complete, no metaphor entire, is itself humanizing. It counteracts fanaticism. It grants even to adversaries the possibility of partial truth, and to oneself the possibility of error. — Alvin Toffler

Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor doubtless deserves the error that provoked it. — Alvin Toffler

Best J Tolkein Quotes: The most famous quotes by J Tolkein

All that is gold does not glitter not all those that wander are lost. — J Tolkein

His house was perfect, whether you liked food, or sleep, or work, or story-telling, or singing, or just sitting and thinking, best, or a pleasant mixture of them all. — J Tolkein

It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him. — J Tolkein

Best J. R. R. Tolkien Quotes: The most famous quotes by J. R. R. Tolkien

Not all who wander are lost. — J. R. R. Tolkien

Little by little, one travels far. — J. R. R. Tolkien

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. — J. R. R. Tolkien

It’s a job that’s never started that takes the longest to finish. — J. R. R. Tolkien

The Hobbits are just rustic English people, made small in size because it reflects the generally small reach of their imagination. — J. R. R. Tolkien

Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to. — J. R. R. Tolkien

It’s a dangerous business going out your front door. — J. R. R. Tolkien

I cordially dislike allegory in all its manifestations, and always have done since I grew old and wary enough to detect its presence. — J. R. R. Tolkien

I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. — J. R. R. Tolkien

Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens. — J. R. R. Tolkien

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. — J. R. R. Tolkien

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. — J. R. R. Tolkien

All that is gold does not glitter not all those that wander are lost. — J. R. R. Tolkien

‘I wish life was not so short,’ he thought. ‘Languages take such a time, and so do all the things one wants to know about.’ — J. R. R. Tolkien

Many that live deserve death. And some die that deserve life. Can you give it to them Then be not too eager to deal out death in the name of justice, fearing for your own safety. Even the wise cannot see all ends. — J. R. R. Tolkien

His house was perfect, whether you liked food, or sleep, or work, or story-telling, or singing, or just sitting and thinking, best, or a pleasant mixture of them all. — J. R. R. Tolkien

Best Eckhart Tolle Quotes: The most famous quotes by Eckhart Tolle

Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. — Eckhart Tolle

Best Leo Tolstoy Quotes: The most famous quotes by Leo Tolstoy

I sit on a man’s back, choking him and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his lot by all possible means — except by getting off his back. — Leo Tolstoy

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them. — Leo Tolstoy

And all people live, Not by reason of any care they have for themselves, But by the love for them that is in other people. — Leo Tolstoy

The more we live by our intellect, the less we understand the meaning of life. — Leo Tolstoy

Art is not a handicraft, it is the transmission of feeling the artist has experienced. — Leo Tolstoy

The chief difference between words and deeds is that words are always intended for men for their approbation, but deeds can be done only for God. — Leo Tolstoy

The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity. — Leo Tolstoy

All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. — Leo Tolstoy

Music is the shorthand of emotion. — Leo Tolstoy

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time. — Leo Tolstoy

Truth, like gold, is to be obtained not by its growth, but by washing away from it all that is not gold. — Leo Tolstoy

Everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. — Leo Tolstoy

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. — Leo Tolstoy

One ought only to write when one leaves a piece of ones flesh in the ink-pot each time one dips one’s pen. — Leo Tolstoy

Happy families are all alike every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. — Leo Tolstoy

In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you. — Leo Tolstoy

If one has no vanity in this life of ours, there is no sufficient reason for living. — Leo Tolstoy

Page Topic: Best Famous Quotes by Jack Handey Deep Thoughts, Kelvin III Throop, Thucyclides, Thucydides, James Grover Thurber, James Thurber, Howard Thurman, Tiberius, Phylos the Tibetan, Frank Tibolt, Henrik Tikkanen, Paul Johannes Tillich, Paul Tillich, Henry J. Tillman, John Tillotson, Jennifer Tilly, Melissa Timberman, Henry Timrod, Wu Ting-Fang, Ernest Fremont Title, Marshal Tito, Barbara Tober, Charles W. Tobey, Alexis Charles Henri Clrel de Tocqueville, Christine Todd, Alvin Toffler, J Tolkein, J. R. R. Tolkien, Eckhart Tolle, and Leo Tolstoy

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Section: Famous Quotes

Movie Quotes from Julia: Quotes from the movie Julia
Best Famous Quotes by: Hebrews 132 Bible, Isaiah 401-8 Bible, Isaiah 4031 Bible, Isaiah 5812 Bible, Isaiah IX.22 Bible, James 210 Bible, Job 3831 Bible, John 1335 Bible, John 174 Bible, Joshua 19 Bible, Luke 962 Bible, Matthew 1514 Bible, Matthew 1820 Bible, Matthew 1924 Bible, Matthew 2311, 12 Bible, Philippians 13 NIV Bible, Philippians 24 Bible, Philippians 413 Bible, Proverbs 104 Bible, Proverbs 137 Bible, Proverbs 1417a Bible, Proverbs 151 Bible, Proverbs 1532 Bible, Proverbs 1717 Bible, Proverbs 1728 Bible, Proverbs 2326a Bible, Proverbs 237 Bible, Proverbs 2416a Bible, Proverbs 2515 Bible, and Proverbs 2717 Bible
Movie quotes from Famous, Fantasia/2000 and Fantasm. Great Movie quotes and lines.
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