‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.”

Who wrote “Twas the Night Before Christmas”

Who wrote the poem “Twas the Night Before Christmas”?
In 1823, an anonymous poem appeared in a Troy, New York newspaper. The poem, called A Visit from St. Nicholas was an instant classic. It also changed the image of St. Nicholas from a rather cold man focused on who’s been bad to the big, jolly, merry Santa Clause we think of today. For years no one stepped forward as the author. Finally in 1844, the rather dry, serious poet Clement C. Moore came forward and claimed authorship. The poem was unlike any of his other work, but no one questioned that he wrote the most famous Christmas poem. But some, including English professor Don Foster, have suspected a lesser known poet, Henry Livingston. His poems were more lighter and livelier and fit better the style of Twas the Night Before Christmas. Chances are, we’ll never know for sure. But whoever the author, this Christmas poem has remained a central part of Christmas for nearly 100 years, and shows no signs of losing steam any time soon.

Page topic: The Christmas poem ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, and who wrote it?

“Skinny No More”
There once was a fellow named Sarge
who married a psychic named Marge.
The weight soon appeared,
and just as he feared,
his medium became extra-large.

“A Clown on Viagra”
A clown went to Doctor McDougal
with pain in his whatcha-ma-doodle.
With turns of his wrists
and a couple of twists
he’d made it look just like a poodle.

“Clinton’s Dog”
Old Buddy the dog was a male,
made friends with a wag of his tail.
He sniffed someone’s crotch
on the President’s watch.
He sniffed but he didn’t inhale.

“The Hula Dancer”
She danced by the light of the fire,
the object of lust and desire.
A skirt made of grass
had covered her ass
‘til somebody set it on fire.

“Bonfire at the Nudist Camp”
Last weekend they built a big fire.
The flames shot up higher and higher.
Buns were toasted
and wieners were roasted
when folks got too close to the fire.

“At the Retirement Home”
The guys now adore Sadie Fetters.
They send lots of flowers and letters.
It seems they’re in awe
since her doggie bra
made pointers out of her setters.

“Learning Magic in Prison”
A serial killer named Graff
was learning some tricks from the staff.
He learned really quick.
His first magic trick
was sawing a woman in half.

“Titanic Survivors’ Day”
The day starts with prayers in the chapel.
Some people with nightmares still grapple.
Some go for a hike
or tournaments like
ice fishing and bobbing for apples.

“VA Hospital Picnic”
Each year they invite lots of people,
enjoying events by the steeple.
They have lots of fun,
their favorite one,
a 3-legged race with 3 people.

“Impressing the Ladies”
There was a teenager named Lance
who put a big squash in his pants.
It did him no good.
He learned that it should
be placed in the front of his pants.

The funny limericks on this page are by Albert Van Hoogmoed. So are the other ones.  ;)

(Poems By InnocentEnglish.com)

Just for tonight? 

We’ve been friends for quite a while,
And so far that’s all we’ve been
But we’re both free and it seems to me,
It might be worth a spin.

So if you’re game, just say my name,
And let’s see how things go
And if you’d rather not, I took a shot
But our friendship still can grow.

Something Different?

My love for you just keeps on growing
It’s hard to think of new ways of showing
It seems like it’s all been done before.
So on this day of Valentines
Instead of flowers and instead of wine,
How about a trip to the love toy store?

Roses Are Red

Roses are Red
Violets are blue
So why the hell aren’t they called Blues?
I mean,
That’s really stupid.
It’s false advertising.
And I cannot support it.
So it just doesnt feel right to buy flowers for you
For Valentine’s Day.
But in an attempt to only support
Things that really are the color they are named after,
Here is a Valentine’s orange!
You’re welcome!

Of All the Women I know

On this Valentine’s Day
I wanted to finally tell you,
And I’m sorry it took so long.
Out of all the women I know,
You are most definitely,
And I completely mean this,
You are most definitely,
Without a doubt,
And I have known a LOT of women
In many many many ways
Pretty much EVERY WAY
A man could possibly know a woman
And of ALL those many women I have known
In so so so many ways
Some in more ways than others, of course
And some I’ve hardly known at all
And there are of course a lot of women
I don’t yet know
And some I pray I never meet
But what I wanted to share with you
From my heart,
Hang on- Getting a text message
OK, it was a girl I met at the bar last night
She was a sweet heart
Really cute, great body,
But also really natural and easy to talk with
I don’t think her breasts were natural
But more power to her
But I mean like her personality was like
Really so easy to talk to
Not that we talked much
If you get my meaning
But what I wanted to share with you
On this special Valentine’s Day
is that of all the women I have known,
You are most definitely
One of them.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

On this Special Day

On this special day
I want to confess my love to you.
I should restate that. I mean,
I want to confess my love,
Which is for this girl I met at work,
to you.
 It’s been a secret far too long.
Doesn’t it feel better,
Having the truth out there?
The Surprise

Last week, when I stopped by early,
It was much worse than my fear.
For my best friend’s car was in the front.
And he was in the rear.

p.s. When she said “I can’t wait until you get back”
I thought she meant it figuratively.

Here are some really funny redneck jokes:

Ahhh, the haiku. Few poetic styles evoke such stirrings of the soul. Someone sent me these lovely and heart-touching red neck and trailer park haikus. I’m happy to give proper credit to the talented poet or poets who so beautifully capture the heart of the trailer park. But for now, the creator/s must remain a mystery. And as these poems show, the haiku is a poem which evokes the Mystery of Life. Enjoy, and let your heart be touched! BEAUTYNaked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

REMORSEA painful sadness
Can’t fit big screen TV through
Double-wide’s front doorOPTIONS

Unemployment’s out
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability

BLAZE

Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne’s been playing with
Gasoline again

A NEW MOON

Flashlights pierce the darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we’ll gig some frogs

EXUBERANCE

Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

ALONE

Seeking solitude
Carl’s ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order

DESIRE

Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
You are my cousin

OFFERINGS

Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggert

DRAMA

Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazard Marathon
At 9 o’clock

DEPRIVED

In Walmart toy aisle
Wailing boy want’s ‘rassling doll
Mama whups his ass

NO SIGNAL

White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
Needs new descrambler

IMPOUNDED

Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

GATHERING

In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon pies and Red Man

PRIDE

Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed

Page Topic: Funny Redneck Jokes

Some of these limericks are suggestive, but they are still much more mild than many limericks out there, particularly the ones about a great many people from Nantucket, who apparently have quite a variety of very interesting social encounters…

Here are a some slightly clean limericks

On the breasts of a barmaid at Yale
Are tattooed all the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Are the same, but they’re written in Braille.

An old maid phoned the desk and said, “Joe,
What’s the noise from that room down below?”
“Oh, they’re holding,” he sighed,
“An Elk’s Ball just inside.”
“Well then, tell them,” she said, “to let go!”

A team playing baseball in Dallas.
Called the umpire bad names out of malice.
While that worthy had fits,
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.

There once was an old man named Cohen,
Who cut off the foot of Tim Bowen.
Now it wasn’t that hard,
For Tim slept in the yard,
And Cohen clipped Bowen while mowin’.

(That limerick was pretty clean
You say with a tone a touch mean
But consider the lawn
That Tim’s foot would lay on
There’d be plenty of red on that green!)
-InnocentEnglish

(Hey, that limerick, it was our first.
It wasn’t the best nor the worst.
It was in the middle
But still it’s a riddle
Why there wasn’t first thirst to rehearse).
-InnocentEnglish

I memorized this when I was 10 and thought it hilarious: So did my friends the first 25 times I told it to them. After that, not so much…

There once was a maid from Magrass
Who had such a very nice ass
Now don’t raise a stink
It’s not what you think
It was brown had long ears and ate grass!

Page Topic: Slightly Less Clean Limericks

1. Old Reggie McGarr

I heard that old Reggie McGarr
Died peacefully, with his cigar,
Peacefully dreaming,
Not yelling and screaming
Like the folks in the back of his car.

-Albert Van Hoogmoed

2. The Woman Named Bright

There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

3. Emily Skinner

A blonde girl named Emily Skinner
Would not eat a bite of her dinner
She’d been painting her door
And the man at the store
Had told her she had to get thinner
-Graham Lester

4. Arthur Jones

Arthur Jones to his bride-to-be said,
“I can shoot off this pear from your head.”
Then he missed by a hair,
But he still split a pair,
For there’s lead in the miss he misled
-Graham Lester

5. The Flea and the Fly and the Flue

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, “let us flee!”
“Let us fly!” said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

6. The Gambler

A gambler in debt far too deep
Was needing a way to live cheap,
So he planted by hand
Lots of crops on his land.
Now he just has to weed ‘em and reap.
-Graham Lester

7 Fischer the Fisher

There was a young fisher named Fischer
Who fished for a fish in a fissure.
The fish with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fischer.

(Slightly More Risque Limericks)

8 The Maid from Magrass

There once was a maid from Magrass
Who had such a very nice ass
Now don’t raise a stink
It’s not what you think
It was brown had long ears and ate grass!

9. The Noise from the Room Down Below

An old maid phoned the desk and said, “Joe,
What’s the noise from that room down below?”
“Oh, they’re holding,” he sighed,
“An Elk’s Ball just inside.”
“Well then, tell them,” she said, “to let go!”

10. The Barmaid at Yale

On the breasts of a barmaid at Yale
Are tattooed all the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Are the same, but they’re written in Braille.

Funny Poems: Top 10 funniest limericks

Page Topic: Fairly Clean Limericks

This poem was recently found hidden in the back cover of a small locked diary which was inside a locked jewelry box hidden in the frame of an old sofa found inside a locked closet found in a recently discovered secret hallway of the closed wing of the Emerson Mansion in the walled-off estate of Emily Walden Emerson. Believing she would have wanted to share it with the world, her great grandchildren recently sold it on ebay for $80,000.

More mature than her earlier works, which were largely clumsy attempts at erotic poems while avoiding using any letter more than once in each sentence, it is believed this poem was written in her later years, and that it was based on a true story. A Bollywood producer in India recently bought the story rights and is in the process of making a full scale musical of the poem.

The Flushing Bride
By Emily Walden Emerson

He a desk clerk, her a maid
Of a huge hotel where tourists stayed
He only saw her now and then
But he knew how their tale should end

He tried and tried to find a time
He could ask her “Please be mine”,
When he could be on bended knee
And speak the most poetic plea
From such a classical position
Could she resist his proposition?

But she was busy, he was shy
And fast the time went by and by
Until she caught another’s eye
And he thought the second man might try

So he knew he must act fast
He’d find her now and ask at last
He searched and searched to no avail
But was determined not to fail

Then he smelled her sweet perfume
Right outside the ladies room
He took some flowers in full bloom
And went in after, to be her groom

Well she was shocked (how would you feel
To see a man approach, then kneel
While you were emptying your bladder
It would be quite an awkward matter)

“Please don’t think it too upsurd
If I could have a little word
I know my timing’s rather bad
But to lose this chance would be more sad
If you’re having trouble concentrating
I’ll wait till you’re through urinating”

“Well”, the maid said, full of dread
“If you must speak then go ahead”
So he bravely took her hand
Took a deep breath and then began

“For so long, I’ve dreamed of this
To propose and then to kiss
I know that you don’t know me well
Ask anything and I will tell
Yes there’s still so much to learn
We’ll have surprises every turn
But as I see you there, upon the throne
The sweetest frown, ever I’ve known
I’ve seen your best and smelled your worst
And still my heart it longs to burst

So take this ring it is a symbol”
She said “It looks just like a thimble.”
He said “Sorry, I had to hurry
The other man, he made me worry.”
“The other man? What nonsense utter,
That man you mean, he is my brother.”

“Your brother? That’s such a relief
But I found courage in my false belief
So here we are, and here’s the ring
Or the closest thing that I could bring
So please say yes, once and for all
Right here and now inside this stall”

Somehow, just then, the ring fell in
“Shall I reach in, or is that a sin?”
“I think it better that you not
It really wasn’t worth a lot”
Then she added, with a blush
“And I haven’t yet a chance to flush”

As you wish, but I’ve no issue
To touch your urine or your tissue
I swear I’d swim in a sea of pee
If that would make you marry me
My Lady, let your heart decide,
Would you consent to be my bride?”

“I can’t resist. That’s so romantic!
And I see that yours is quite gigantic!
I’m speaking of, of course, your heart
For it’s the most important part

So I say yes, I’ll be your bride
You’ve won me with how hard you’ve tried”
They shared a kiss, he smiled wide
For a touch of tongue she had applied

“Please carry me out, if it sounds not dumb
(It’s not for romance, my legs are numb)
One last thing, please don’t place blame
If I might ask, per chance, your name?”

And that’s the story of how they began
The Flushing Bride, and her brave, brave man
And how that day he did trap her
Then and there upon the crapper
(Yes, they lived happy, ever after)

Page Topic: Love & Wedding Poems

The Flushing Bride (C) 2004, InnocentEnglish.com

Here are some funny poems and good, clean limericks. Credit is given when it’s known.

I heard that old Reggie McGarr
Died peacefully, with his cigar,
Peacefully dreaming,Not yelling and screaming
Like the folks in the back of his car.

-Albert Van Hoogmoed

There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who ate six packets of seeds,
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
And he couldn’t sit down for the weeds!

There once was a man from Great Britain
Who interrupted two girls knittin’.
Said he with a sigh,
“That park bench, well I
Just painted it right where you’re sittin’.”

There was a young lady from Niger.
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, “let us flee!”
“Let us fly!” said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

A pet store employee named Blair
Was missing a small patch of hair.
A tarantula crawled
To the spot that was bald
And nobody noticed it there!
-Tillmanator

A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd
She was frightened, it must be allowed,
Soon a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and meowed

“There’s a train at 4:04,” said Miss Jenny
“Four tickets I’ll take; have you any?”
Said the man at the door,
“Not four for 4:04,
For four for 4:04 is too many”

As a beauty, I’m not a great star.
There are others more handsome by far.
But my face, I don’t mind it,
Because I’m behind it.
Tis the folks in the front that I jar.
-Anthony Euwer

No zebras did board Noah’s ark
Only horses, two white, and two dark
But for forty black nights
There were no bedroom lights
Which caused zebras galore to disbark!

My girlfriend had put on my sweater,
The one with my big high school letter,
And it then seemed to me,
And I’m sure you’ll agree,
On her it looked quite a bit better.

This is my poor attempt to clean up a crude limerick:

There once was a fellow named Dave
Who lived in a miniature cave
He said I admit I can’t stand or sit
But think of the money I save!
-InnocentEnglish

There was a young fisher named Fischer
Who fished for a fish in a fissure.
The fish with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fischer.

Page Topic: Funny Poems and Limericks

Here are some funny limericks that reference limericks. Inside joke poems poking fun at the process of writing limericks.

Credit is given when it’s known.

Limericks about Limericks

There was a young poet quite fine,
Whose limericks repeated a line.
Though this was redundant,
Though this was redundant,
His limericks repeated a line.
Carl Muckenhoupt

A newspaper poet for Hearst
Deprived of his reason
By uncontrolled sneezing
Was by phantasmal demons coerced
To write all of his limericks reversed.
Elliott Moreton

A cardiac patient named Fred
Made a limerick up in his head.
But before he had time
To write down the last line
Elliott Moreton

This poem is copyright ©
By the author, 1983.
Prior written consent
Is required to present
It on radio, film, or TV.
Elliott Moreton

There was a young bard of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When they said it was so,
He replied, “Yes, I know,
But I always try to fit as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”

There was a young man from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two

And presumably by the same author, taking that one step further:

There was a young man from Verdun.

Page Topic: More Funny Limericks

I can’t resist including these funny poems, by Graham Lester, which are also funny blonde jokes.

A blonde girl named Emily Skinner
Would not eat a bite of her dinner
She’d been painting her door
And the man at the store
Had told her she had to get thinner

Once a sleepy blonde server, Liz Dower
Had a dream she was taking a shower
When she woke she construed
She was totally nude
But by God she’d made tips that half hour!

A blonde-haired young lady from Wales
Applied for a job tracking sales
When they asked, “Can you file?”
She proceeded to smile
And held up ten pretty red nails

Acme’s chief of financial affairs
Hires as many dumb blondes as he dares
Though they can’t do math well
He just thinks that it’s swell
To be working with figures like theirs

Here are a few more good, funny limericks by Graham Lester:

He’s charming and handsome and slim
But Mary is dumping her Tim:
He’s unfaithful and brash
And won’t put out the trash,
Although all the trash put out for him.

I awoke late last night in my bed
With a grandiose scheme in my head
For ascending Mount Everest,
But it wasn’t my cleverest,
So I went to the bathroom instead.

“This looks like two squid on two bikes,”
Said the surgeon of poor Michael Sykes,
As he held up the tumor
(He just loved stand-up humor
And could never resist open Mikes).

Arthur Jones to his bride-to-be said,
“I can shoot off this pear from your head.”
Then he missed by a hair,
But he still split a pair,
For there’s lead in the miss he misled

A gambler in debt far too deep
Was needing a way to live cheap,
So he planted by hand
Lots of crops on his land.
Now he just has to weed ‘em and reap.

Page Topic: Funny Blonde Joke Limericks