The Top 10 Late Night Show Jokes about President Bush and Thrown Shoes
(in no particular order)

1. “Well, folks, looks like we finally found something President Bush is good at. Dodgeball!” –Jay Leno
2. “You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he’s got good reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton’s an expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything.” –Jay Leno
3. “Now, here’s my question, and no offense here, but where was the Secret Service? I mean, shouldn’t they at least have jumped in front of the second shoe? I mean, you know what I’m saying? Come on. Seriously. Aren’t these guys supposed to take a bullet for the president?” –Jay Leno
4. “You’ve got to give Bush credit. I mean, the guy moved pretty quickly. … Too bad he didn’t react that way with bin Laden or Katrina, bin Laden or the mortgage crisis, bin Laden or Afghanistan, bin Laden or the Lehman Brothers.” –David Letterman
5. “I don’t think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the Vietnam War.” –David Letterman
6. “The shoe-throwing journalist is in jail. He didn’t think this through, though. I mean, if you’re a journalist and you’re unhappy with a politician, why don’t you just write something down? You’re a journalist! You can even get it printed in a newspaper! Doesn’t he know that the pen is mightier than the shoe?” –Craig Ferguson
7. “Of course, the big story over the weekend is that President Bush had that press conference in Iraq, which turned into ‘Shoe-pocalypse Now.’” –Craig Ferguson
8. “Anyway, the conspiracy theories have begun. Oliver Stone is already making a movie about the shoe-throwing incident. He thinks there was a second shoe-thrower, because that journalist threw two shoes in four seconds. That’s impossible.” –Craig Ferguson
9. “Yesterday, at a press conference in Baghdad, an angry Iraqi threw his shoes at President Bush’s head. Yeah, when he saw the shoes, President Bush said, ‘See, I knew you guys had weapons of mass destruction.” –Conan O’Brien
10. “The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he’ll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists.” –Conan O’Brien

Page Topic: Top 10 Shoe Throwing at President Bush Joke List

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in “Star Wars (A New Hope)”

1. “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”
2. “Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!”
3. “Look at the size of that thing!”
4. “Sorry about the mess…”
5. “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”
6. “Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?”
7. “You’ve got something jammed in here real good.”
8. “Put that thing away before you get us all killed!”
9. “Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?”
10. “Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care *what* you smell!”

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in “The Empire Strikes Back”

1. “And I thought they smelled bad…on the *outside*!”
2. “Possible he came in through the south entrance.”
3. “I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?”
4. “Hurry up, golden-rod…”
5. “That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.”
6. “But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm…”
7. “Control, control! You must learn control!”
8. “There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.”
9. “Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?”
10. “I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!”

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in “Return of the Jedi”

1. “Rise, my friend.”
2. “Open the back door!”
3. “Hey, point that thing somewhere else!”
4. “It’s just a dead animal…”
5. “Not bad for a little furball.”
6. “How can they be jamming us if they don’t know we’re coming?”
7. “Come here, I won’t hurt you. You want something to eat?”
8. “Keep on that one, I’ll take these two”
9. “I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!”
10. “I don’t think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie.”

page topic: Star Wars Double Entendres

     You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
    
     I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

     Honk if you love peace and quiet.

     Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

     Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

     It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

     The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

     It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

     You can’t have everything….where would you put it?

     Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

     The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

     A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

     He who laughs last thinks slowest.

     Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

     A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

     On the other hand you have different fingers.

     Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.

     I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

     When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

     Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

     Those who live by the sword… get shot by those who don’t.

     I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

     He’s not dead… he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

     It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

     I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.

     I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

     Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Page topic: Funny one liners, funny sayings, clever bumper stickers and button and great lines.

InnocentEnglish.com: Funny English mistakes, funny jokes, funny sayings, cute and funny pictures, and much more.

Comic Book Guy: Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
  
  Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
    
  Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
  
  Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
  
  Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?
  
  Homer: Bart, with money, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
  
  Homer: Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

   Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
  
  Chief Wiggum: Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!
  
  Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.
  
  Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything’s a sin. [holds up a Bible] Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.
   
  Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
  
  Homer: Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems.
  
  Homer: When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
  
  Chief Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
  
  Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
  
    Grandpa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
  
  Homer: Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
  
  Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall,  pounds…it makes ice.
  
  Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
  
  Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
  
  Mr. Burns: I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
  
  Kent Brockman: …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
  
  Mr. Burns: I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children.
  
  Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
  
   Comic Book Guy: But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life.
  
  Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
  
  Superintendent Chalmers: I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…
  
  Mr. Burns: What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?
  
  Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
  
  Ralph: Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.
  
  Homer: Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
  
   Apu: Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work.
  
  Milhouse: We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
  
  Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
  
  Homer: Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
  
  Milhouse: Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!
  
  Homer: I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
  
  Smithers: I’m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.
  
  Barney: Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!
  
  Principal Skinner: That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.
  
  Sideshow Bob: Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!
  
  Barney: Jesus must be spinning in his grave!
  
  Superintendent Chalmers: “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.
  
  Mr. Burns: [answering the phone] Ahoy hoy?
  
  Comic Book Guy: Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that’s a *really* useful invention!
  
  Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.
  
  Homer: What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
  
  Marge: Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!
  
  Bill Gates: I didn’t get rich by signing checks.
  
  Principal Skinner: Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.
  
  Homer: Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.
  
  Homer: And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.
  
  Comic Book Guy: Human contact: the final frontier.
  
  Homer: I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
  
  Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
  
  Homer: I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.
  
  Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country.
  
  Homer: Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.
  
  Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.
  
  Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
  
  Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…
  
  Milhouse: I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.
  
  Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
  
  Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”
  
  Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
  
  Troy McClure: Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!
  
  Comic Book Guy: The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…
  
  Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!
  
  Ned Flanders: I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
  
  Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies.
  
  Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is -…
  
  Sideshow Bob: I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
  
  Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
  
  Nelson: Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!
  
  Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*
  
  Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
  
  Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
  
  Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
  
  Apu: Thank you, steal again.
  
  Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
  
  Ed Begley Jr.: I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.
  
  Bart: I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.
  
  Homer: How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Page Topic: Funny Simpsons quotes, jokes, lines and sayings

This man’s work cannot be underrated.

Way down deep he’s shallow.

Before they made him they broke the mold.

Anyone who goes to a psychoanalyst should have his head examined.
—Samuel Goldwyn
 
I feel a lot more like I do now than I did when I came in.
   
UFO’s show than our worst fears were groundless.
 
He’s a unique type.
 
You have one choice.
 
Acupuncture is pointless.
 
It’s 90% too late.

It’s probably a lot worse than it is.
   
The Avant-Garde is Passe.

While these results may seem rather trivial, their importance cannot be underestimated.
 
There’s more to photography that meets the eye.

If you think about it long enough, you’ll see that it’s obvious.
 
Anyone who always tells the truth is a big liar.

The main trouble with impossibility is that it is never total.

If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.
 
I am going to be healthy if it kills me.
 
The only attitude I trust is skepticism.
 
Our lack of cooperation is mutual.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
 
Life should have a purpose, however meaningless.
  
If everything goes perfectly, something’s wrong.
 
There’s nothing new in originality.

Down with propaganda!
 
Thinking is the last thing on my mind!
 
I have become more optimistic and now believe that things could get worse.
 
If it involves me, I want nothing to do with it.

I absolutely refuse to be assertive.

A little pain never hurt anyone.

Why should I consider your questions, when you don’t even know the answers?

The last time I took advice, it only worked because I changed it.

How do you expect me to ignore you when you’re never around?

Please – I can only ignore one thing at a time.

At the last technical meeting I attended, so much went on that I was underwhelmed.
This book fills a much-needed gap.

People who like this sort of thing will fmd it just the sort of thing they like.
—Abraham Lincoln
 
I can’t stand people who look down on people who look down on people.

If he were alive today, he’d turn over in his grave.

Our advance is so rapid that we are falling farther and farther behind.

Whenever I look for something, it’s always in the last place I look.

We have worked ourselves into a frenzy of lethargy.

If God intended man to understand the human mind, he wouldn’t have given him one!

If I had known how successful I was going to be, I wouldn’t have worked so hard when I was young!

I gave you an unlimited budget, and you have already exceeded it!

This presents us with an insurmountable opportunity.

I won’t hesitate for a moment to avoid answering!
 
I have something to say, but I don’t know what.

You don’t stand alone. I also stand alone!

I’m an atheist, thank God.

I swear to make no promises I cannot keep.

The time has come to rise above principles.

Include me out!
—Samuel Goldwyn

Page topic: Funny deep thoughts: Funny, clever and witty sayings, oxymorons and thoughts that make you think…

SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it…and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE – female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL – female…Ha!…you thought I’d say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Page Topic: English humor: Funny Noun Genders in English

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I’m just driving this way to piss you off.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I’m reloading.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Page topic: Clever and Witty One Liners: More funny, witty, clever, stupid and dumb lines from t shirts, bumper stickers, buttons and elsewhere.

404 – Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”

Adminisphere – The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.”

Assmosis – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Betamaxed – When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market”

Blamestorming – A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Bookmark – To take note of a person for future reference. “After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.”

Brain Fart – A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?” Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CGI Joe – A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewelry – Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. “I paid three grand for that Mac and now it’s nothing but chip jewelry.”

Chips and Salsa – Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.”

Cobweb – A WWW site that never changes.

Crapplet – A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!”

Cube Farm – An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition – The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted – To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Dorito Syndrome – The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.”

Egosurfing – Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.

Elvis Year – The peak year of popularity as in “1993 was Barney the dinosaur’s Elvis year”

Flight Risk – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica – Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in “we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was”.

Glazing – Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?”

GOOD job – A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Gray Matter – Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land – The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.”

High Dome – Egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters – People whose idea generators are always running.

Irritainment – Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Link Rot – The process by which web page’s links become obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change or die.

Mouse Potato – The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond – That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers – People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Plug-and-Play – A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.”

Prairie Dogging – When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what’s going on.

Salmon Day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. “God, today was a total salmon day!”

Seagull Manager – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

SITCOMs – What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. “Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage”

Starter Marriage – A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy – A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Swiped Out – An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.

Treeware – Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend – One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this is Dale, my…um…friend.”

Under Mouse Arrest – Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”

Uninstalled – Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

WOOFYS – Well Off Older Folks.

Xerox Subsidy – Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

Yuppie Food Coupons – Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

Page topic: Top 50 Business and Office Slang Terms for 2007: Common office slang terms and expressions for 2007

 ”If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.”
—Doug Larson
“A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely.”
—Lubna Azmi

“A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.”
—Bill Cosby

“A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.”
—Unknown

“The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.”
—Tommy Bolt

“The man who can’t dance thinks the band is no good.”
—Polish Proverb

“It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.”
—Ben Bergor

“Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.”
—Garry Trudeau

“Have no fear of perfection–you’ll never reach it.”
—Salvador Dali

“I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.”
—Jim Morrison

“I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.”
—Gilda Radner

“Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you’ll be disconnected.”

“People like you are the reason people like me take pills!”
—Neva Faith Linn

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’”
—Unknown

“Anyone seen in a bus over the age of 30 has been a failure in life.”
—Loelia, Duchess of Westminster

“There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and”
—Brad Ramsey

“Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”
—Mae West

“I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.”
—Oscar Wilde

“Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.”
—Groucho Marx

“Life was so much easier when your clothes didn’t match and boys had cooties!”
—Unknown

“Our childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives overcoming.”
—Amy Bennett

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
—Oscar Wilde

“A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.”
—Stephen Fry

“A hard man is good to find.”
—Mae West

“Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It’s the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.”
—Dick Gregory

“A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.”
—H.L. Mencken

“I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.”
—Alan Coren

“I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror.”
—Flann O’Brien

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
—Groucho Marx

“No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.”
—H.L. Mencken

“The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact.”
—Stephen Sondheim

“The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.”
—Unknown

“Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol.”
—Unknown

“Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast.”
—Compton Mackenzie

“I guess a drag queen’s like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.”
—Harvey Fierstein

“He’s too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.”
—Neil Simon

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
—Dean Martin

“Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”
—Fran Lebowitz

“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”
—Woody Allen

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer

“How I see it is that men get one night of pleasure, and we get nine months of putting them through hell and getting away with it.”
—Sara Swank

“I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it’s often the same message: They hope it’s my last.”
—Al Forman (former MLB umpire)

“I wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth. Then I learned that there were laws against suicide.”
—Missy Fruchter

“I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?”
—Leo Duracher

“A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend’s houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.”
—Unknown

“The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.”
—Bill Cosby

“Sometimes you have to do that with adults–just say what they need you to say–so they’ll get out of your face.”
—Tarantula Shoes by Tom Birdseye

“I’m so far gone that I’m telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language.”
—Father Figure by Richard Peck

“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.”
—Franklin Jones

“Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.”
—Cal Thomas

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”
—Fred Allen

“Don’t be so humble–you are not that great.”
—Golda Meir

“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.”

“If you’re going to make every game a matter of life or death, you’re going to have a lot of problems. For one thing, you’ll be dead a lot.”
—Dean Smith

“Home is a place where teenagers go to refuel.”
—Unknown

“Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.”
—Tori Filler

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
—Steven Wright

“Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: I don’t really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go.”
—Unknown

“Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare.”
—Ed Asner

“I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, ‘Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.’”
—Jim Leyland

“You’ve reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.”
—Unknown

“Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who’s got the smallest.”
—Neil Kinnock

“The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.”
—Casey Stengal

“You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going.”
—Unknown

“A kindergarten teacher is someone who loves children and hates zippers.”
—Unknown

“Better to be forgotten than sued.”
—Dave Weinbaum

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”
—Dave Berry

“Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.”
—Unknown

“It’s better to leave while staying is welcomes than to stay while leaving is welcomed.”
—Unknown

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
—Phyllis Diller

“Isn’t it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you’re leaving?”
—Unknown

“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.”
—Proverbs 10:26

“The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.”
—Unknown

“One time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it’s holding a parking ticket.”
—Unknown

“The young always have the same problem–how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this problem by defying their parents and copying one another.”
—Quentin Crisp

“When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.”
—Molly McGee

“You know you’re in love when you take the longer way to class even if it means going up two extra stair cases just to see his face.”
—Unknown

“Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.”
—Unknown

“He who laughs last probably didn’t get the joke.”
—Unknown

“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.”
—Sam Ewing

“A thoughtful kid is one who leaves enough gas in the tank for you to get to the filling station.”
—Unknown

“In my day, we couldn’t afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.”
—Bill Flavin

“A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.”
—Unknown

“Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it.”
—Unknown

“If you think something small can’t make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.”
—Unknown

“Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?”
—Nipsey Russel

“A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.”
—Unknown

“A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.”
—Unknown

“Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.”
—Kimberly Broyles

“Shipwrecked man to another: ‘Don’t worry–we’ll be found. My pledge to the church is due this week.’”
—Al Johns

“Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier.”
—James Dent

“I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I’m only six feet tall, so I couldn’t play basketball. I’m only 190 pounds, so I couldn’t play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn’t be a referee.”
—Jay Leno

“Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you’re able to persecute.”
—Jonathan Kellerman

“He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom.”
—The Better Half cartoon by Randy Glasbergen

“If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?”
—Unknown

“Guys who have big muscles and a nice car are usually trying to make up for a lost feature.”
—Unknown

“I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like ‘What I’m Going to be If I Grow Up.’”
—Lenny Bruce

“Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11:30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter.”
—James T. Adams

“You can’t say civilization isn’t advancing: in every war, they kill you in a new way.”
—Will Rogers

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.”
—Ashleigh Brilliant

“Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men.”
—Joseph Conrad

“Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”
—Charlotte Whittond

“It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.”
—Unknown

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
—Jerome K. Jerome

“The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.”
—Unknown

“Bad luck is bending over to pick up a four-leaf clover and being infected by poison ivy.”
—Unknown

“After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why the doctors wear masks in the operating room.”
—Unknown

“Remember the good old days when a juvenile delinquent was a boy who played the saxophone too loud?”
—Unknown

“Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.”
—Kin Hubbard

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
—A. Whitney Brown

“Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.”
—Judith Martin

“Men should be like Kleenex…soft, strong, and disposable.”
—Mrs. White, Clue

“Okay, so God made man first, but doesn’t everyone make a rough draft before they make a masterpiece?”
—Courtney Huston

“Tolerance is a great trait to contain, but so is the ability to shut up.”
—Unknown

“English is a funny language–that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway.”
—Mark Grasso

“One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average.”
—Jonathan Fuerbringer

“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil–and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.”
—Phil Pastoret

“Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.”
—George Carlin

“Those who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.”
—Terry Marchal

“Successful people are very lucky. Just ask any failure.”
—Michael Levine

“A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large.”
—Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

“You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something.”
—H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.”
—Al Bernstein

“We all basically go back to being children in the dentist’s chair.”
—Arthur Benjamin

“Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut.”
—Robert Newton Peck

“School is like a lollipop. It sucks until it is gone.”
—Ashley Salvati

“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.”
—Scott Adams

“Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.”
—Chuck Norris

“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”
—Sam Ewing

“Every man is a fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit.”
—Elbert Hubbard

“Children are the most expensive form of entertainment.”
—Mihaela Iosof

“Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush.”
—Doug Larson

“The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.”
—”Smile” Zingers

“Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.”
—Laurence J. Peter

“Adolescence is perhaps nature’s way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest.”
—Karen Savage and Patricia Adams

“Forgive your enemies–if you can’t get back at them any other way.”
—Franklin P. Jones

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There’s no use in being a damn fool about it.”
—W.C. Fields

“It’s a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.”
—Franklin P. Jones

Page topic: Great Quotes: Some of the best funny, clever, witty and wise quotes and quotations