This man’s work cannot be underrated.

Way down deep he’s shallow.

Before they made him they broke the mold.

Anyone who goes to a psychoanalyst should have his head examined.
—Samuel Goldwyn
 
I feel a lot more like I do now than I did when I came in.
   
UFO’s show than our worst fears were groundless.
 
He’s a unique type.
 
You have one choice.
 
Acupuncture is pointless.
 
It’s 90% too late.

It’s probably a lot worse than it is.
   
The Avant-Garde is Passe.

While these results may seem rather trivial, their importance cannot be underestimated.
 
There’s more to photography that meets the eye.

If you think about it long enough, you’ll see that it’s obvious.
 
Anyone who always tells the truth is a big liar.

The main trouble with impossibility is that it is never total.

If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.
 
I am going to be healthy if it kills me.
 
The only attitude I trust is skepticism.
 
Our lack of cooperation is mutual.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
 
Life should have a purpose, however meaningless.
  
If everything goes perfectly, something’s wrong.
 
There’s nothing new in originality.

Down with propaganda!
 
Thinking is the last thing on my mind!
 
I have become more optimistic and now believe that things could get worse.
 
If it involves me, I want nothing to do with it.

I absolutely refuse to be assertive.

A little pain never hurt anyone.

Why should I consider your questions, when you don’t even know the answers?

The last time I took advice, it only worked because I changed it.

How do you expect me to ignore you when you’re never around?

Please – I can only ignore one thing at a time.

At the last technical meeting I attended, so much went on that I was underwhelmed.
This book fills a much-needed gap.

People who like this sort of thing will fmd it just the sort of thing they like.
—Abraham Lincoln
 
I can’t stand people who look down on people who look down on people.

If he were alive today, he’d turn over in his grave.

Our advance is so rapid that we are falling farther and farther behind.

Whenever I look for something, it’s always in the last place I look.

We have worked ourselves into a frenzy of lethargy.

If God intended man to understand the human mind, he wouldn’t have given him one!

If I had known how successful I was going to be, I wouldn’t have worked so hard when I was young!

I gave you an unlimited budget, and you have already exceeded it!

This presents us with an insurmountable opportunity.

I won’t hesitate for a moment to avoid answering!
 
I have something to say, but I don’t know what.

You don’t stand alone. I also stand alone!

I’m an atheist, thank God.

I swear to make no promises I cannot keep.

The time has come to rise above principles.

Include me out!
—Samuel Goldwyn

Page topic: Funny deep thoughts: Funny, clever and witty sayings, oxymorons and thoughts that make you think…

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I’m just driving this way to piss you off.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I’m reloading.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Page topic: Clever and Witty One Liners: More funny, witty, clever, stupid and dumb lines from t shirts, bumper stickers, buttons and elsewhere.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I’m Changing Lanes.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool – Now!

I Do Whatever My R ice Krispies Tell Me To.

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over…
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)

Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph

Guys: No Shirt, No Service

Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde.

Heart Attacks: God’s Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends

Horn broken – watch for finger

Man who walks thru airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok

People who say “nothing is impossible” have never tried slamming a revolving door.

Page topic: Funny, witty, cute and clever bumper stickers and one liners

We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.

Welcome what you can’t avoid.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.

When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.

When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

When in doubt empty the magazine.

When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.

When in doubt, poke it with a stick.

When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.

When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.

When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.

When you have nothing to say, say nothing.

Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?

Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.

Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.

With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.

Worry is a misuse of the imagination.

Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

You don’t have to explain something you never said.

You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.

Page Topic: Some of the best funny thoughts

The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

The revolution will not be televised.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.

There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.

There are no short cuts to any place worth going.

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.

There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.

There are two types of people – those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

There is no time like the pleasant.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.

They call it “pms” because “mad cow disease” was already taken.

They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!

Think much, Speak little, Write less.

This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.

This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.

This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.

To generalize is to be an idiot.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!

Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

Too much of everything is just enough.

Tracers work both ways.

Trying is failing with honors.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.

Unix is user friendly – it’s just picky about it’s friends.

Veni, Vidi, Velcro – I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.

Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

Page Topic: More of the top funny sayings

Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.

Roses are FF0000, violets are 0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.

Send lawyers, guns and money!

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.

Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smith & Wesson: the original point and click interface.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.

Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

Spelling is a lossed art.

Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.

Sure, when… – oink flap oink flap – well I’ll be darned!

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.

The Killer Ducks are coming!

The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

The best things in life aren’t things.

The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The future will be better tomorrow.

The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.

The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.

The only certain thing in life is death.

The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.

The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.

The problem with the future is it turns into the present.

Page Topic: More humorous sayings and silly or witty quotes

Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.

Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.

Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.

Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.

Never eat yellow snow.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.

No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.

No-one suspects the butterfly!

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.

Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Only the winners decide what were war crimes.

Optimist: Someone without much experience.

People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

Pretend to spank me – I’m a pseudo-masochist!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Quando omni flunkus moritati – when all else fails, play dead.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.

Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.

Rehab is for quitters.

Page Topic: More of the best stupid and witty one liners

If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.

If you’re happy, you’re successful.

If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.

Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.

In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?

In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It’s better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.

It’s like deja vu all over again.

It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.

know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough? –Tom Clancy.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. –Peter Kaye.

It’s people that give drinking a bad name.

It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.

Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.

Learn from my parent’s mistake. Don’t have kids!

Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.

Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Life exists for no known purpose.

Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.

Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.

Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.

Life’s a bleach and then you dye.

Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.

Logic is in the eye of the logician.

Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Lunix… Because i’m better than you.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.

Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.

Page Topic: More of the best funny and stupid lines and quotes

I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!

I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.

If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.

If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.

If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.

If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.

If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.

If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.

If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If at first you don’t succeed, try a shorter bungee.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita’s, cause that’s what he’s getting.

If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.

If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.

If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!

If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?

If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?

If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.

If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.

If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.

If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.

If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.

If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?

Page Topic: More of the top really dumb sayings

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.

For good, return good. For evil, return justice.

Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.

Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.

Friendly fire – isn’t.

Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

Frog blast the vent core!

Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.

Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

God made us brothers, but Prozac made us friends.

God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

Half the people you know are below average.

Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.

Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?

Hey! It compiles! Ship it!

Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don’t like pizza?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.

I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I drink to make other people interesting.

I have a strong will but a weak won’t.

I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

I prefer old age to the alternative.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.

I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.

I’d buy you a drink, but i’d be jealous of the straw.

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Page Topic: More of the best really funny sayings