Absolutely amazing wedding toast video. Thanks for putting it on youtube Amy. (Fast forward a minute and a half to 1:30 or 1:40 to get to the real “wedding toast”)

[youtube oy1uWAm4SnI nolink]

Page Topic: Best Wedding Toast ever. One of the most amazing and most beautiful wedding moments ever- youtube video

A few months ago, one slightly intoxicated night, I apparently consented (and even paid!) to have a tattoo jackhammered into my upper arm.  I [heart] Cass.   The tattoo guy dug out a nice bright red heart. How cute!) What an unpredictable turn of events that scarcely two weeks later, Cassidy decided his love for me was mostly out of appreciation that I introduced him to my now ex-best friend.  How cute!

Even before Cass upgraded to a more upscale model, I felt embarrassed and awkward for those two weeks, about declaring my love for him on my arm.  But once we were over, embarrassment turned to humiliation.  I clearly had to lose my tattoo.

So I googled tattoo removal to check out my options.  Basically, it was pretty straight forward:

1.  Live with that tattoo, in eternal humiliation and shame.
2.  Find a creative way to change what it says by adding or changing a letter. Maybe “I heart Class.  Or maybe I haaate Cass.
3.  Use a tattoo fading cream, like Wrecking Balm or Tat B Gone for a couple of hundred bucks.
4.  Buy the same basic ingredients that are in fading creams, but at a drugstore for $12.

5. Dermabrasion (sandblasting the tattoo the hell out of there)

6. Excision, a surgery where they just cut out the tattooed skin (not recommended for those with 100% tattoo coverage on their bodies, or for those with tattoos in more intimate places).

7. Laser tattoo Removal, where they burn your tattoo to a crisp and bombard it until it’s smashed to smithereens.

A stayed up all night with some redbull and vodka- small doses of each so they wouldn’t battle each other in my brain too badly- and I mulled over my choices.

Option number 1: NFW! No Fricking Way! Not even a remote option.

And Option 2: While the thought of having “I haaate Cass” on my arm made me smile with revenge, my refined sense of subtle wisdom, back from a two week vacation, somehow sensed this may not really be the most mature way to go.

As for Wrecking Balm and the other tattoo removal fading creams, at least according to some sites, people who have shelled out the $200 have found that the ingredients are available at your local drug store: 1% hydroquinone, which is a skin whitener that has apparently recently become more available since Michael Jackson has slowed down his hording of it (whether or not he actually took baths in it full strength, and who might have been with him during those baths, and what age they might have been, I have no idea and certainly don’t mean to imply anything or start any rumors about his scandalous underage hydroquinone bath escapades.)

The other main ingredient, a “demo-abrasion” spray,  is apparently a dressed up exfoliator spray, also available at drug stores.  And the final ingredient is multi-vitamins including all those good skin-de-tattooing ones like E and A and some of the other early letters.  I got the feeling the marketing team was like “We need something else to make them feel less ripped off. How about detattooing vitamins? They’ll buy that.

Based on what I saw online, while some people say they had some luck with their tattoos getting gradually lighter than before, the vast majority of the comments on the forums I lurked at consistently reported a very noticeable lightening of their wallets, but very little or no noticeable results for their tattoo.  Given that derm-abrasion techniques have been used for centuries to remove tattoos, it’s likely that over time- say 2-3 decades- real improvement would be noted.  But gradual fading is different from actual removal, and Options 3 and 4 just didn’t seem very dependable, efficient, effective or good for impatient, humiliated people.

Option 5, sandblasting away the tattoo by way of a professionally trained derma-blaster, which is a more intense version of gently scrubbing at home, will fade and lighten most tattoos up to a point, but it takes many sessions, costs a lot, causes a lot of pain, and is almost always less effective than lasers.  Besides, if you’re gonna go that route, scraping your skin with e brick a few hours a day would probably just about equate it.

Option 6, tattoo removal thru excision, seemed pretty extreme to me, and is no longer recommended in the vast majority of cases. It can leave scars, unnatural localized skin tightening, and just isn’t worth it.

That left me with option 7: Laser tattoo removal.  All the info said it isn’t fun, it isn’t cheap and it isn’t instant. But it works better than anything else if you really want to get rid of that tattoo.   I googled “tattoo laser removal” for my city and found a few candidates. Satisfied my night’s work was done, I congratulated myself with a several more little sips of vodka (which a downed all at once for efficiency) and called it a night.

First thing in the morning, I called around and most tattoo removal clinis had quite the waiting list.  At least I wasn’t the only fool who broke the golden rule of tattoos: NO NAMES.  I found one a bit cheaper than the others, a nice sounding man with the right experience and credentials, who could see me the next day.  I went in first thing the next morning, nervous but determined.

He took a long hard look at my arm and said “Nice tattoo.”  I told him he was welcome to have it second hand, cheap.  He started with the C, since it was the biggest letter, and while he worked he started telling me about his wife, and how they were expecting their first child in a few days.  He finished the C, and to my surprise, it didn’t look that different, aside from some pretty strong redness and irritation.  “It will take a couple of weeks for it to clear out” he said.  He also said one treatment likely wouldn’t be enough, but I would see the fading noticeably.  Right about then he got a call- his wife went into labor.  “Sorry, I have to go NOW.” And before I could say anything, he was out the door.

Just as the door slammed it hit me. Not the door. The realization: With the C gone, my tattoo was quickly on its way to saying “I love  ass”.

I drove to another laser tattoo removal center, and told the receptionist with more determination than I’ve ever mustered before “I’m sorry, but I swear to all that is holy, and to all that isn’t, I’m not leaving today until someone works on my tattoo”.  It’s amazing how far the hysterical woman routine can get you. Especially when it’s real.

Now, a few months later, there’s still a very light but noticeable tattoo (including the C, thank God).  I easily cover it with a little make up, and the laser center says in another month it will be pretty much gone.  At $1300, so will a big chunk of my savings.  But since I was stupid enough to engrave someone’s name on my arm in the first place,  I can’t think of a better way to spend the money, than to have it removed.

I emailed my ex-best friend with all the tattoo info I learned.  In case she decides to declare her love for Cass, who is probably already looking to upgrade to a newer model, she’s gonna need it.

Page topic: My tattoo removal story: One woman’s journey to becoming tattoo-free. A funny essay by a friend.

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Her Diary
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do, I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
 

His Diary
 

Today the Lakers lost, but at least I got laid.

Page topic: Funny Dating and Relationships Jokes: Her Diary and His Diary

“To the newlyweds: May “for better or worse” be far better than worse.”
- Unknown

It don’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home!

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao Tzu

Page Topic: Funny Wedding Toasts

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
-Mark Twain

“If it weren’t for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.”
- Unknown

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar — a practice which is still continued.
Helen Rowland

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.
-Ogden Nash

I met in the street a very poor young man who was in love. His hat was old, his coat worn, his cloak was out at the elbows, the water passed through his shoes — and the stars through his soul.
- Victor Hugo

If you cannot inspire a woman with love of you, fill her above the brim with love of herself; all that runs over will be yours.
-Charles Caleb Colton

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar… So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear….”

Two Funny and Romantic Love Poems:

The Flushing Bride
By Emily Walden Emerson

He a desk clerk, her a maid
Of a huge hotel where tourists stayed
He only saw her now and then
But he knew how their tale should end

He tried and tried to find a time
He could ask her “Please be mine”,
When he could be on bended knee
And speak the most poetic plea
From such a classical position
Could she resist his proposition?

But she was busy, he was shy
And fast the time went by and by
Until she caught another’s eye
And he thought the second man might try

So he knew he must act fast
He’d find her now and ask at last
He searched and searched to no avail
But was determined not to fail

Then he smelled her sweet perfume
Right outside the ladies room
He took some flowers in full bloom
And went in after, to be her groom

Well she was shocked (how would you feel
To see a man approach, then kneel
While you were emptying your bladder
It would be quite an awkward matter)

“Please don’t think it too upsurd
If I could have a little word
I know my timing’s rather bad
But to lose this chance would be more sad
If you’re having trouble concentrating
I’ll wait till you’re through urinating”

“Well”, the maid said, full of dread
“If you must speak then go ahead”
So he bravely took her hand
Took a deep breath and then began

“For so long, I’ve dreamed of this
To propose and then to kiss
I know that you don’t know me well
Ask anything and I will tell
Yes there’s still so much to learn
We’ll have surprises every turn
But as I see you there, upon the throne
The sweetest frown, ever I’ve known
I’ve seen your best and smelled your worst
And still my heart it longs to burst

So take this ring it is a symbol”
She said “It looks just like a thimble.”
He said “Sorry, I had to hurry
The other man, he made me worry.”
“The other man? What nonsense utter,
That man you mean, he is my brother.”

“Your brother? That’s such a relief
But I found courage in my false belief
So here we are, and here’s the ring
Or the closest thing that I could bring
So please say yes, once and for all
Right here and now inside this stall”

Somehow, just then, the ring fell in
“Shall I reach in, or is that a sin?”
“I think it better that you not
It really wasn’t worth a lot”
Then she added, with a blush
“And I haven’t yet a chance to flush”

As you wish, but I’ve no issue
To touch your urine or your tissue
I swear I’d swim in a sea of pee
If that would make you marry me
My Lady, let your heart decide,
Would you consent to be my bride?”

“I can’t resist. That’s so romantic!
And I see that yours is quite gigantic!
I’m speaking of, of course, your heart
For it’s the most important part

So I say yes, I’ll be your bride
You’ve won me with how hard you’ve tried”
They shared a kiss, he smiled wide
For a touch of tongue she had applied

“Please carry me out, if it sounds not dumb
(It’s not for romance, my legs are numb)
One last thing, please don’t place blame
If I might ask, per chance, your name?”

And that’s the story of how they began
The Flushing Bride, and her brave, brave man
And how that day he did trap her
Then and there upon the crapper
(Yes, they lived happy, ever after)

- InnocentEnglish.com

The Broken Vow
By William Emerson Wadsword:

We swore together we would stay
For forever and a day
Our bond so strong, nothing could break it
I never thought she would forsake it

Until the cursed walk I took
that fateful night when she forsook
The deepest vow we ever made
To replace the roll when it did fade

So cautiously, with pants down low
Into the kitchen I did go
Too late I realized, also there,
Was her women’s meeting, deep in prayer
The very moment I came in
Was when I heard her say “Amen”

Never had so many eyes
Stared so square between my thighs
I quickly moved my hands to hide it
But not before they’d time to size it

“Please don’t let me interfere
I just have need to clean my rear
What misfortune, for I fear
There’s nothing I can use in here
Might there be a volunteer
To spare their scarf without a tear?”

To my cause they weren’t too loyal
Though one did throw a wad of foil
I turned to go then turned back quickly
For fear my rear would make them sickly
Backwards I shuffled to the door
Then stopped to proclaim one thing more

“I’m certain I don’t need to mention
but I’d like to call to your attention
Though surely you did all surmise
That cold and stress can hide one’s size

I beg you kindly to remember
A fire starts with just an ember
This cold, cold day in dark December
Would have belittled any member”

Relieved to voice my clear disclaimer
(For if one misjudged me, who could blame her)
I retired to the toilet chamber
To take care of the remainder

My soul’s not one to much complain
But that foil of tin did bring me pain
That vow she broke, how it did stain us
Such a wrath she wrought upon my anus
But much worse still, or I’d have lied
Was the wrath she wrought upon my pride

As for us, of course we’re finished
And my life now so diminished
The endless rumors, the muffled laughter
The whispered glances ever after

The whims of fate, they are so cruel
For when she broke our Greatest Rule
I was left forever a broken fool
By a simple quest to wipe my stool

Husbands Take Heed
By Mary Elizabeth Wadsword

Only a wife could understand it
How I could have ever planned it
For they’ve sat down in the dark of night
And found the toilet seat upright
After near five hundred times
The mind gets thoughts of passion crimes

So hard and carefully I plotted
The sweet revenge that thus resulted
In the end of needless seats left up
And the rich rewards of our prenup

First I paid such careful heed
To when he did his daily deed
Then I changed my weekly women’s meeting
And urged a quiet, prayerful greeting

I had taken thorough care
To take and hide all but one square
And that night I led a silent prayer
Until I heard his approaching footsteps there

All the rest, well that was easy
In he waddled, exposed and sleazy
I finished up and then all eyes
Got such a big (or small) surprise
That was the bonus (how I giggled)
By chance his lance was extra shriveled
My eyes alone saw his shocked face
(Theirs fixed upon his other place)

It went even better than I wanted
Now I’m rich and he is haunted
So men take heed, the moral’s simple
Your wife, her body is a temple
This cannot be too overstated:
THINK after you’ve urinated!

Heed these words so often sworned
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

Page Topic: funny poems

Poems on this page, as embarrassing as it is to admit, (C) 2004 InnocentEnglish.com

Here are some funny love quotes and quips from famous celebrities:

The Japanese have a word for it. It’s Judo — the art of conquering by yielding. The Western equivalent of judo is, ‘Yes, dear.’
J. P. McEvoy

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.
Jon BonJovi

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

Page Topic: Funny Quotes and Quips

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.
-Cher

I haven´t spoken to my Mother-In-Law for eighteen month….I don´t like to interrupt her.
-Anon

A guy was invited to some old friends’ home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Jaanu, etc.

The guy was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”

His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about ten years ago.”

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Henry Kissinger

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.
Cathy Carlyle

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar — a practice which is still continued.
Helen Rowland

Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
-anon

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy
If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
Henny Youngman

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

“The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.”

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know – it’s never happened.

A woman’s husband has been slipping in and out for a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck.”

Good Wedding Jokes: The Donkey Trick

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well,” explained the husband, “it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.”

“We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: ‘That’s twice.’ We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead.”

“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one just as if it’s your own.”

The Doilies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

“My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the rest of the doilies.”

The Wedding Ring Curse

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman.”

The Wedding Crasher
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears himself by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

Their last marriage fight ever

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”
“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first

Hey Guys, remember this line, it could come in handy…. “How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?” fight!”
“I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”

The Wedding Prank

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason ‘why this couple should not be married’. His reception wasn’t disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, “I’d like to order breakfast for two.”

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, “Make that five.”

Frustration is the first time you discover you can’t do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can’t do it the first time.

If a man is in the forest, and there isn’t a woman around, is he still wrong?

Page Topic: Funny Wedding Jokes

Some of the funniest Wedding Quotes:

I have something exciting to tell you.
My girlfriend and I got enraged last night!

I really believe our wedding will last until we die.

What does it mean:
“I would like to propose to some toast?

If he is really the best man,
why isn’t she marrying him instead?

The groom was wearing
A very nice croissant.

He was so nervous, he suddenly started
to paint in front of everybody!

He lifted the veal off her face
and gave her a big kiss.

I think she is really glad she got marinated.

Page Topic: Funny Wedding Quotes