Here are some youtube videos of some of Demetri Martin’s comic routines

 Demetri Martin Flip Chart Youtube Video

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 A second youtube video of Demetri Martin Flip Chart Visual jokes Routine, from his Comedy Central performance.

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 Demetri Martin Comedy Routine youtube video

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Another routine, for a benefit:

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 And this is him singing a song that explains where his jokes come from

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I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said – ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’, and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

 If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? 

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
 
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic’?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

 If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Here are the top 50 best George Carlin jokes, quotes and one liners from his stand up routine. It wasn’t easy to narrow down the hundreds of great lines from comedian George Carlin, but these are 50 of his funniest, most thought provoking and sometimes controversial lines.

1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
2. Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
3. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
4. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?
5. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
6. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
7. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
8. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
9. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
10. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
11. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
12. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
13. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
15. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
16. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
17. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
18. When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
19. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
20. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
21. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
22. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
23. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
24. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
25. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
26. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
27. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
28. What year did Jesus think it was?
29. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
30. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
31. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
32. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
33. People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
34. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
37. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
38. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
39. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
40. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
41. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lof worth paying attention to.
42. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
43. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
44. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
45. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
46. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
47. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
48. Life is a zero sum game.
49. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
50. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Page topic: Top 50 Funny George Carlin quotes, jokes, sayings and one liners

More Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes, Jokes and Stand Up Comedy Lines 
 
I played golf… I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying…
 
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said “Certainly.” He said “Do I need to dial 9?” I say “Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”
 
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
 
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. “What time is it, Mitch?” “Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger.” “Shit, I had to be somewhere…”
 
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
 
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
 
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
 
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it, I don’t need another step between me and toast.

I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender….all you do is say what the shiit does, and add “er”. I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shiit fresh. Well that’s a fresher….I’m going on break.
I want to be a rebellious McDonald’s owner. Cheeseburgers… NOPE… we got spaghetti!
 
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go cart with my ex-landlord.
 
Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.
 
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah.”
 
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
 
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

And More Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes and Jokes 
 
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
 
…and then at the end of the letter I like to write “P.S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
 
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill…
 
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly…
 
I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
 
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. There’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
 
My roommate says, “I’m going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
 
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it’s just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where’d you get that banana?
 
I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I’ll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.
 
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, “corn-on-the-cob”, but that’s how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It’s not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it “Mitch”, and then re-attached it, and call it “Mitch-all-together”.
 
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
 
My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn’t come in real handy when your gambling. I’m gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.
 
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’ll say, “Just press two for a while, when I answer, you’ll know that you’ve pressed two enough.”
 
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.
 
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, “Please try again.” because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. …Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me… “Come on Mitchell, don’t give up!” An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
 
I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.
 
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
 
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
 
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellows… Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.” Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.
 
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
 
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

Page Topic: Funny Mitch Hedberg jokes and quotes: One liners and funny comedy lines by comedian Mitch Hedberg
 

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
- Woody Allen

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Woody Allen

 On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen

 Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
- Woody Allen

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
- Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held.
- Woody Allen

94.5% of all statistics are made up.
- Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen

 I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.
- Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
- Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
- Woody Allen

 It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him “be fruitful and multiply”. But not in those words.
- Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen

 If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough.
- Woody Allen

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
- Woody Allen

 Why ruin a good story with the truth?
- Woody Allen

 I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British.
- Woody Allen

 I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
- Woody Allen

 I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

 I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
- Woody Allen

 My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty..
- Woody Allen

 For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
- Woody Allen

 My brain? It’s my second favorite organ.
- Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
- Woody Allen

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
- Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
- Woody Allen

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
- Woody Allen

 The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.
- Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen

 I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
- Woody Allen

 I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- Woody Allen

I was depressed…I was suicidal; as a matter of fact, I would have killed myself but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
- Woody Allen

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
- Woody Allen

 I’m not the heroic type. I was beaten up by quakers.
- Woody Allen

 In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.
- Woody Allen

 In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen

 Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own.
- Woody Allen

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
- Woody Allen

 I’m not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
- Woody Allen

 Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing. Between 5, it’s fantastic.
- Woody Allen

 I’ve often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
- Woody Allen

 It’s worse than dog eats dog. It’s dog doesn’t return dog’s phone calls.
- Woody Allen

 Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
- Woody Allen

 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

 More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
- Woody Allen

 Oh, now there’s only one kind of love that lasts. That’s unrequited love. It stays with you forever.
- Woody Allen

 My brain? It’s my second favorite organ.
- Woody Allen

 Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
- Woody Allen

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
- Woody Allen

 Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
- Woody Allen

 On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- Woody Allen

 The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you’re dead it’s hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed
it.”
    –Steven Wright

 ”My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said,
‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ ”
    –Paula Poundstone

 ”In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?  Do tall
people burn slower?”
    –Warren Hutcherson

 ”I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.”
    –Elayne Boosler

“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”
    –John Mendoza

“Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a  second.”
 –Steven Wright

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks’ notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
    –Bob Ettinger

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”
    –Conan O’Brien

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin.”
    –Winston Spear

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s
how dogs spend their lives.”
    –Sue Murphy

“My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there.”
    –Ron Richards

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up 
something else.”
    –Lily Tomlin

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population.”
   –David Letterman

“Chihuahua. There’s a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is  still
far away.”
   –Billiam Coronell

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.”
    –Rita Rudner

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”
    –Lily Tomlin
“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’ ”
    –Bruce Baum

“I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don’t
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: ‘I’m hot. I’m on fire. Me, me, me.’ You know.
‘Help me, put me out.’ Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?”
    –Garry Shandling
“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
    –Paul Rodriguez

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.”
    –Lynda Montgomery

Page Topic: Funny stand up comic jokes: Best funny quotes and jokes by stand up comedians

Seinfeld, obviously not very used to such a preposterous question, replied “You’re not aware of this? You think I got canceled?…. Do you know who I am?” This one minute video captures the best snippets of this part of the interview. Jerry seinfeld manages to be indignantly insulted while also keeping a kind smile on his face and making it funny. Not easy to balance but he manages…

 [There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

InnocentEnglish.com Scoop: Tomorrow’s News Today *

 InnocentEnglish.com Scoop is proud to be the first website to offer a review of Jerry Seinfield’s “Bee Movie”.

The cast of “Bee Movie” includes  Jerry Seinfeld, Renee Zellweger, Matthew Broderick, John Goodman, and Chris Rock. And not one single actual bee.

Synopsis: In “Bee Movie”, Jerry Seinfield plays a bee who is shocked to find out that humans have been stealing honey from bees for centuries.  As he just graduated from college (probably getting all “b”s), he decides to sue the human race for the honey that was stolen.

First let me say isn’t there an ORIGINAL idea out there? This is like, what, the 5th movie in so many years, about insects suing humans for taking something from them.  And it almost completely parallels the plot of “Michael Clayton”, save for a few differences such as the story line and mood.   

In addition, The notion that bees would name their children with such English sounding names, and even farther- would actually SPEAK English with very little accent, really broke the belief barrier for me.  It’s a well known fact that a great many bee colonies in recent years have come from Australia due to the bummer bee disease that has been floating around.  But is there even ONE bee with an Australian accent In this movie? Is there????  (I’m honestly asking. I haven’t seen it yet).

Another problem I had with this movie was that even though it is a children’s movie (sorry, a “family movie”, meaning, I assume, there’s sex jokes aimed at going over the children’s heads but hitting the adult’s in their own funny bone), there was really no nudity.  Now, I suppose the bees were nude, however this is hardly considered a plus for the majority of movie goers (and I’d rather not talk about this minority).  But if you are going to have beautiful Renee in your movie, SURELY you can think of SOME reason to, at the least, have a towel scene.  Jerry Seinfeld is revered for his creative mind, and yet he missed this glaring opportunity to increase the size of his audience??? (and I’m not just talking about the number of people in the audience).

Matthew Broderick was one of the bright spots of the movie, primarily because his voice reminded me of the time I watched “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” slightly altered.

In any event, based on the movie poster, the synopsis, and my mood at the moment since my girlfriend wants to “take some space” to “explore other options” and maybe “sleep with more of your friends but not secretly this time”, I have little choice but to give this unrealistic movie (they didn’t even use REAL BEES!) 2 out of 4 honeycombs.

*Due to the lack of dependability of making wild guesses about the future, news articles in InnocentEnglish’s “Scoop” section may or may not even remotely have anything to do with reality.

page topic: “Bee Movie” movie review

I always thought Jack Handy was a fictional character created by the Saturday Night Live writers. I thought they got together and wrote “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy”. But it turns out,Jack Handey is a real person, and a comedy writer who wrote for a few different shows, including Saturday Night Live, and also wrote for some magazines. This is a collection of some of his funniest, strangest, most bizarre and most inspirational (not so much)

Page 6: Jack Handy Deep Thoughts Quotes.

If you’re a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, “Boy, these are good cigars!”

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the team, aren’t I?” “Well,” said Coach, “you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.” It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don’t think I’d call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp’s gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he’d spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he’d yell out, “Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!” We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, “Okay, as long as it’s not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know.” He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: “This story isn’t too long.” But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, “Uh-oh, this story is getting long.” But then the story was over, and I said to myself: “You know, that story wasn’t too long after all.” I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, “If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.” Just then the eclipse would start, and they’d probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be “Clark Kent, Dentist,” because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, “How’s my back tooth?” and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, “Oh it’s okay,” then the patient would probably say, “Aren’t you going to take an X-ray, stupid?” and you’d say, “Aw to hell with you, get outta here,” and then he probably wouldn’t even pay his bill.

I wouldn’t be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn’t a person, because it would be too small. But there’s a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy—something like that.

Page Topic: Best Funny Jack Handy Quotes

I always thought Jack Handy was a fictional character created by the Saturday Night Live writers. I thought they got together and wrote “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy”. But it turns out,Jack Handey is a real person, and a comedy writer who wrote for a few different shows, including Saturday Night Live, and also wrote for some magazines. This is a collection of some of his funniest, strangest, most bizarre and most inspirational (not so much)

Page 1: Jack Handy Deep Thoughts Quotes.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment”? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, “Don’t forget the thick, heavy brows.” Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they’d get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula, but you just say, “Think again, bat man.”

Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that’s the way of these people.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’d like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.”

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Page Topic: Jack Handey Quotes & Sayings