What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
“Don’t spook until you’re spooken to.”

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What do you get when you bite a ghost
A mouth full of sheet

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Ice Scream

What’s a ghost’s favorite breakfast?
Ghost Toasties with booberries.

Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It’s hard to pin anything on them.

What’s a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos

Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office

Why did the ghost cross the road?
To get to “THE OTHER SIDE”

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin’ Goblin.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
He’s mist

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

What’s a ghoul’s favorite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!

Why did the ghost starch her sheet?
She wanted everyone to be scared stiff.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Dayscare centers.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

Bamboo.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos.

What does a ghost eat for lunch?

A BOO-logna sandwich.

Where do ghosts go on vacation?
The Eerie canal, Lake Eerie ! or Mali-Boo

What’s a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival?
The roller ghoster.

Where do ghosts buy their food?
At the ghost-ery store.

Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office.

What’s a ghosts favorite fruit?
Booberries.

What kind of street does a ghost like best ?
A dead end !

What did the baby ghost eat for dinner ?
A boo-loney sandwich !

What do you call a ghost’s mother and father ?
Transparents !

How did the ghost song and dance act make a living ?
By appearing in television spooktaculars !

What are little ghosts dressed in when it rains ?
Boo-ts and ghoul-oshes !

Why are ghosts bad at telling lies ?
Because you can see right through them !

What did the ghost teacher say to her class ?
Watch the board and I’ll go through it again !

How do ghosts learn songs ?
They read the sheet music !

What is a ghost’s favourite day of the week ?
Frightday !

Where do ghosts get an education ?
High sghoul !

What did the polite ghost say to her son ?
Don’t spook until your spooken to !

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin.

What do you call a prehistoric ghost ?
A terror-dactyl !

Who speaks at the ghosts’ press conference ?
The spooksperson !

What should you say when you meet a ghost?
How do you boo, sir?

What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Boo boo’s!

Why did the ghost go to the amusement park?
He wanted to go on a rollerghoster !

Who’s the most important member of a ghost’s
football team ? The ghoulie !

When does a ghost have breakfast?
In the moaning.

What’s a ghost’s favorite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries, Scream of Wheat or Dreaded wheat !

What do ghosts drink at breakfast?
Coffee with scream and sugar.

What is a ghost’s favourite dessert ?
Boo-Berry pie with I-scream !

What do ghosts dance to ?
Soul music !

Where do ghosts live ?
In a terrortory !

What color are ghosts?
BOOOO!

When do ghosts usually appear ?
Just before someone screams !

What’s a ghost’s favorite ride?
A roller ghoster!

What do ghosts have in the seats of their cars ?
Sheet belts !

What do ghosts eat for dinner ?
Ghoulash !

What kind of ghost has the best hearing ?
The eeriest !

What does a ghost swim in?
The Dead sea!

Who did the ghost invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up!

Who was the famous ghost detective?
Sherlock Moans.

What vehicle does a kid ghost like to ride?
A boocycle.

Why did the ghost go to the doctor?
To get a Booster shot.

What do ghosts eat for breakfast
Dreaded wheat.

How did the ghost patch his sheet?
With a pumpkin patch.

What is a ghost’s favorite bird?
scare crow!

What does a ghost put on his cereal in the morning?
Boonanas and Booberries.

What kind of cars do ghosts drive?
Boo–icks.

What’s a ghosts favorite Broadway play?
phantom of the opera!

What did one ghost say to another?
Do you believe in people?

What medicine do ghosts take for colds?
Coffin drops.

What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Spook-ghetti.

What is a ghost favorite article of clothing?
Boojeans.

Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

What time is it when a ghost haunts your house?
Time to move to a new house!

What’s a ghosts favorite desert?
Boo-berry pie & I scream.

What tops off a ghost’s ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost ?
Put your boos and shocks on !

Why are ghosts cowards ?
Because they’ve got no guts !

What story do little ghosts like to hear at bedtime?
Ghoul delocks & the 3 scares.

What is a ghost’s favorite party game?
Hide-and-go-shriek.

What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
Ghoul

Why did the ghost rush home from school?
To watch an after-ghoul special on TV.

What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, poodle, & a ghost?
A cocker-poodle-boo!

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.

Who protects the shores where spirits live?
The Ghost Guard!

What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost?
You look boo-tiful tonight.

Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn’t have a haunting license.

What did one ghost say to the other when they fell down?
I got a booo booo.

What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A boo-tie.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
mas-scare-A

Why do ghosts and demons get along so well?
Because demons are a ghosts best friend.

Who did the ghost go with to the Halloween party?
With No-Body!

What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties!

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones

What do ghosts mail home while on vacation?
Ghostcards.

What do ghosts do when they’re in hospital ?
They talk about their apparitions !

What’s the 1st thing ghosts do when they get in a car?
They boo-kle their seatbelts

What do short-sighted ghosts wear?
Spooktacles.

Page topic: Funny ghost jokes for kids: Funny jokes about ghosts for Halloween, for children and students

Here is a collection of funny Halloween jokes for kids. (OK, a lot of these Halloween one-liners and jokes aren’t actually funny to me. But since everyone has a different sense of humor, we’ll let you decide if they are funny to you. :

FUNNY AND CORNY HALLOWEEN JOKES FOR KIDS
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite…

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite…

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy…

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray…

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck…

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately…

Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don’t have any body to go out with…

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries…

What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball…

What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving…

What would a monster’s psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein…

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
“Do you believe in people?”

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes?
A cereal killer…

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They’re so wrapped up in themselves…

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends…

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts…

What is a vampire’s favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel…

What is a ghost’s favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane…

What type of dog do vampire’s like the best?
Bloodhounds…

What is a ghoul’s favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime…

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich…

What is a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
A trombone…

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets…

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath…

What’s a vampire’s favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure…

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation…

Why don’t angry witches ride their brooms?
They’re afraid of flying off the handle

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit !

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend

What’s a monster’s favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos

What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
Ghost-Toasties

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula

What does Tweety Bird say on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet

Where do spooks water ski?
On Lake Erie

What happened to the guy who didn’t pay his exorcist?
He was repossessed

What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A BOO-logna sandwich

Where do mummies go for a swim?
To the dead sea

What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi

Where do ghosts buy their food?
At the ghost-ery store

Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office

What’s a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival?
The roller ghoster

How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch

When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone

Why was the mummy so tense?
He was all wound up

Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line

What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant?
Spare ribs

What do goblins mail home while on vacation?
Ghostcards

What is a ghost’s favorite party game?
Hide-and-go-shriek

What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties!

What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost?
You look boo-tiful tonight

What is a ghost favorite article of clothing?
Boojeans

What does a ghost put on his cereal in the morning?
Boonanas and Booberries

What kind of roads do ghosts haunt?
Dead Ends

Who did the ghost invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up!

What is a monster’s favorite food?
Ghoul scout cookies

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley Davidson motorcycle?
I’m bone to be wild!

Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist?
Because he likes to draw blood!

When do gholes cook their victims?
On Fry Day

What’s a vampire’s favorite candy?
A sucker

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!

When does a ghost have breakfast?
In the moaning.

What do ghosts drink at breakfast?
Coffee with scream and sugar.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand-witch

What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Spookgetti

What’s a ghosts favorite fruit?
Booberries.

What’s a ghosts favorite desert?
Boo-berry pie.

Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
At the casketeria.

Why was the ghost such a messy eater?
Because he was always a goblin.

What tops off a ghost’s ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.

What is a Mummie’s favorite type of music?
Wrap!

What song does Dracula hate?
“You Are My Sunshine”

What type of monster really loves dance music?
The boogieman!

Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the party?
He had no body to dance with.

What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
Ghoul

What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A boo-tie.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn’t have a haunting license.

Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line.

What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
A toasty ghosty.

What kind of makeup do goblins wear?
mas-scare-a

Who was the most famous ghost detective?
Sherlock Moans

Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building.

Where do most werewolves live?
Howllywood, California

Where do most goblins live?
North and South Scarolina

What do you call a little monsters parents
mummy and deady

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
sour-puss

What instrument do skellitens play?
Trom-BONE

Why did’t the skelliten cross the road?
He had no guts

Why do vampires scare people?
They are bored to death

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
Every night he turns into a bat.

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

Why doesn’t anybody like Dracula?
He has a bat temper.

Who does Dracula get letters from?
His fang club.

Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
To stop his coffin.

How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
Give him screws.

What can’t you give the headless horseman?
A headache

Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get ahead in life.

Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo.

What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.

What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.

Why does a witch ride a broom?

The Vacuum cleaner’s poweer is cord it too short.

What do they teach in witching school?
Spelling.

Why don’t mummies take vacations?
They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos

What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy

Why didn’t Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!

What is a Mummie’s favorite type of music?
Wrap!!!!!

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

What’s a monster’s favorite bean?
A human bean.

Why can’t the boy ghost have babies?
Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand-witch.

Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suck.

What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
Ghoul

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos.

Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?
He was all bite and no bark.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn’t have a haunting license.

Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the party?
He had no body to dance with.

Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
At the casketeria.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.

Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line.

Why doesn’t Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat.
Because of the coffin.

Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he is always a goblin.

What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
A toasty ghosty.

Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation.

What tops off a ghost’s ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.

What do you give a skeleton for valentine’s day?
Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

What are ghosts’ favorite kind of streets?
Dead ends

What is a vampires favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
Mas-scare-a

Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To go to the body shop.

What happens when two vampires meet?
It was love at first bite!

Who was the most famous ghost detective?
Sherlock Moans.

What do you call two spiders that just got married?
Newlywebbed

Who was the most famous witch detective?
Warlock Holmes

What did the ghost say to the man at the coffee shop?
Scream or sugar!

Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.

Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart

Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building.

Where do most werewolves live? In howllywood,
California

Where do most goblins live?
In North and South Scarolina

Where does a ghost refuel his porche?
At a ghastly station.

What do Italian’s eat on Halloween?
Fettucinni Afraid-o

Why did the skeleton go disco dancing?
to see the boogy man.

What do witches use in their hair?
scare-spray

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
A sour-puss

What instrument do skeleton play?
Trom-BONE.

What do ghosts eat for breakfast?
Boo-Berries.

Why did’t the skeleton cross the road?
He had no guts.

Why do vampires scare people?
They are bored to death!

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
Every night he turns into a bat.

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

What songs does Dracula hate?
“You Are My Sunshine” and “Sunshine on my Shoulders.

What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done?
Ok, that’s a wrap.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

What is a vampires least favorite food?
Steak

What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A grave problem.

Why doesn’t anybody like Dracula?
He has a bat temper.

Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
He had a fang-ache.

Why are vampires like false teeth?
They all come out at night.

Who does Dracula get letters from?
His fang club.

What kind of key does a skeleton use?
A skeleton key.

What kind of gum do ghosts chew?
Boo Boo Gum.

Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
To stop his coffin.

Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes?
Sandals don’t look good with his tuxedo.

How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
Give him screws.

What can’t you give the headless horseman?
A headache.

Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get ahead in life.

What is a ghosts favorite sale?
A white sale.

What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A boo-tie.

What’s a ghosts favorite desert?
Boo-berry pie.

What type of dog does every vampire have?
Bloodhound!

What’s a monsters favorite desert?
I-Scream!!

When does a ghost have breakfast?
In the moaning.

What do ghosts drink at breakfast?
Coffee with scream and sugar.

Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo.

Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Where did the ghost get it’s hair done?
At the boo-ty shop.

Riddle: the maker does not want, it the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it, what is it?
a coffin.

What do they teach in witching school?
Spelling.

Why does a witch ride a broom?
Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.

What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.

What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.

Page topic: Funny Halloween Jokes for kids,  The best clean, silly, funny, corny and stupid halloween jokes for children

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

Page Topic: List of Top Ten Reasons to go to Work Naked Joke

10. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!

3. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.

2. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

Check out my friend’s bible blog with some cool stuff on it.

Page Topic: List of the Top Ten Things You Never Hear In Church Joke

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “KISS” makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh.”

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”

5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.”

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.

3. Uses slang expression, “Talk to the hand, ’cause the beard ain’t listening.”

2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.

1. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teenager Is In Trouble Joke

When life gives you lemons, be sure to send a hand written thank you note for the lemons, as email thank you notes can appear to be less sincere.

When life gives you lemons suck out all of the vitamin C and yell “EAT THAT, LIFE!

When life gives you lemons ask for salt and tequila!

When life gives you lemons, make orange juice, then wonder how the heck you did it.

When life gives you lemons, collect them one day life will stop and u would have the most lemons ever.

When life hands you lemons make lemonade and find someone else who life handed vodka to, and have a party

When life gives you lemons alter their DNA and make super lemons!!!

When life gives you lemons just shut up and eat your damn lemons

When life gives you lemons sell them on ebay,

When life gives you lemons when no one is looking, throw them through life’s window and run away.

When life gives you lemons, squirt the juice in his eye

When life gives you lemons, find a kid with a paper cut

When life gives you lemons, ask for the receipt

Page topic: when life gives you lemons sayings, quotes and jokes.

10 Ways to Annoy a Telemarketer

10. When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them! “I’m so glad you asked
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…”

9. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as
long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?”
Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to
figure out where she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would
you be my friend?”

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could
bring you a case of beer and some chips

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When
they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit
card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will
give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the
telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I
guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer
will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!” Say good by – and Hang up.

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on
Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your mom?”

And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Post Topic: Top 10 ways to annoy a Telemarketer

Einstein’s chauffeur

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of making speeches.

“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you
give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

Einstein and God

Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord… “God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
“Einstein asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Einstein asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

Einstein at a party

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?”

The man answers “241.”

“That is wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!” Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, “What is your IQ?”

The lady answers, “144.”

“That is great!,” responds Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”

Albert goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?”

The man answers, “51.”

Albert responds, “How ’bout them Cowboys?”

Page Topic: Einstein Jokes

1.Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: “If you’re bad in here, you’ll go to Hell.”
2.A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled “Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals”.
3.Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4.Un-tune the piano.
5.Replace the pianist’s sheet music with “Stairway to Heaven”.
6.Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
7.Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: “Is this seat SAVED?”
8.Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
9.Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: “Would you rather be stoned or crucified?”
10.Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
11.Start a wave.
12.Do cool things with the lighting.
13.When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like “Hugh G. Rection” and “Oliver Klozoff”.
14.Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
15.When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: “Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?”
16.Make up your own words to the songs.
17.Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: “Oh shit. This isn’t the wedding!” Run out quickly.
18.Eat dry Cap’n Crunch through the entire service.
19.If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: “IF YOU DON’T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I’LL KILL IT!!!”
20.Dress all in black, or in camo.
21.Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
22.If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
23.At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
24.Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
25.Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of “fire and brimstone”, throw it in.
26.Inflate balloons, then send them off.
27.Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
28.Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
29.Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher’s face.
30.Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
31.During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you’re doing, tell them: “These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago.”
32.Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
33.Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
34.Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
35.When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson’s MasterCard number.
36.Turn to your neighbor, whisper: “This do in remembrance of me,” and lick them.
37.Fart, and have a friend shout: “Hark! An angel has spoken!”
38.Blow bubbles.
39.Fake a possession.
40.Distribute condoms.
41.Speak in tongues.
42.Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43.Drool in the collection plate.
44.Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
45.After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
46.Show unusual interest in any reference to the word “Ministry”.
47.At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
48.Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
49.Write on the bathroom wall: “The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!”
50.Spread the word that there’ll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

Post Topic: list of the 50 best things for non-christians to do in church

A Choir Boy Confesses

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl”.

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

“Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Volpe?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.

But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino, slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“4 months vacation and five good leads.”

Frogs and Choir Boys

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

“What’s wrong with you?” said the priest.

“Well,” said the frog, “the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn’t always a frog.”

“Really!” said the priest. “Can you explain!”

“Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. ’Let me pass!’ I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you.”

“That’s an incredible story” said the priest. “Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?.”

“Yes” said the frog, “It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again.”

“Today’s your lucky day!” said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

“And that my lord is the case for the Defense……. ”

The Choir Boy and the Holy Water

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister’s room and yelled, “father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me … and he took a step forward”!

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. “My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where’s this man now?”

The Choirboy replies…
“flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain”!

Post Topic: Choir Boy Jokes