Q. What kind of bird can write?
A. A pen-guin

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
A. Santa Clues!

Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A. Its Christmas, Eve.

Q. Why does Santa Claus like to work in the garden?
A. Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q. What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?
A. She gave him the cold shoulder.

Q. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A. Ice caps.

Q. How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
A. Fleece Navidad!

Q. What is a snowman’s favorite lunch?
A. An Iceberger!

Q. What do vampires put on their Christmas turkey?
A. Grave-y.

Q. What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
A. I’ll have a boo Christmas without you.

Q. What do you call a snowman party?
A. A Snowball!

Q. What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A. A cookie sheet!

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?
A. Frost bite!

Q. What do you call an Eskimo cow?
A. An Eskimoo.

Q. How is the Christmas alphabet different from the ordinary alphabet?
A. The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

Q. What do the elves sing to Santa Claus on his birthday?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow . . .

Q. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
A. Sandy Claws!

Q. Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?
A. They are always dropping their needles.

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
A. Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

Q. Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A. Because he had the drum sticks.

Q. What do you when if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A pineapple.

Q. What did the big candle say to the little candle?
A. I’m going out tonight.

Q. Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?
A. He was stuffed!

Q. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A. Because it soots him.

Q. What kind of ball doesn’t bounce?
A. A snowball!

Q. What’s the best thing to put into Christmas pie?
A. Your teeth!

Q. What do you get when you eat the Christmas decorations?
A. Tinsel-itus.

Q. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A. Because every buck is dear to him.

Q. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A. Missletoe!

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. What does Santa like to eat?
A. A jolly roll.

Q. How does Santa take pictures?
A. With his North Pole-aroid.

Q. What’s white and goes up?
A. A confused snowflake!

Q. What do you call an old snowman?
A. Water!

Q. What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow!

Q. What goes: now you see me, now you don’t; now you see me, now you don’t?
A. A snowman on a zebra crossing!

Q. What goes ho-ho whoosh, ho-ho whoosh?
A. Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q. What goes “oh, oh, oh”?
A. Santa walking backwards!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use – I’ve forgotten my name again!

Q. Why does Santa have three gardens?
A. So he can ho ho ho!

Q. When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A. In the dictionary!

Q. What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A. The Christmas one has no L (noel)!

Q. What do you have in December that’s not in any other month?
A. The letter D!

Q. Why is it always cold at Christmas?
A. Because it’s in Decemberrrr!

Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night!

Q. What’s impossible to overtake at Christmas?
A. The three wide men!

Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. A mince spy!

Q. How does a snowman lose weight?
A. He waits for the weather to get warmer!

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted flakes!

Q. What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A. Can you smell carrot?

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite!

Q. Where do snowmen go to dance?
A. A snow ball!

Q. How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack?
A. Only one, after that it’s not empty anymore!

Q. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A. Tinselitus!

Q. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A. Deep and crisp and even!

Q. What carol is heard in the dessert?
A. Camel ye faithful!

Q. What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
A. Jungle bells, jungle bells!

Q. What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?
A. Sandy claws!

Q. What is Santa’s dog called?
A. Santa Paws!

Q. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A. Santa Jaws!

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective?
A. Santa Clues!

Q. What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when the fire is lit?
A. Crisp Cringle!

Q. What do you call Santa Claus when he doesn’t move?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A. A merry Christmas to ewe!

Q. What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A pineapple!

Q. What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
A. Neither, candles always burn shorter!

Q. Why are turkeys wiser than chickens?
A. Ever heard of Kentucky Fried Turkey?

Q. What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?
A. He got 12 months!

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic!

Q. Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
A. They both drop needles!

Q. What often falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?
A. Snow!

Q. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A. A broken drum – you can’t beat it!

Page Topic: Christmas Jokes for Kids

Giving away your hard earned dollars isn’t funny, but some of these tax jokes are.

If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can’t we pay Congress not to raise taxes?

Some people think the government owes them a living. The rest of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.

Don’t you long for the good old days when Uncle Sam lived within his income and without most of yours?

The average man now lives thirty-one years longer than he did in 1850
He has to in order to get his taxes paid.

A certain tax attorney took on a very complex case of tax evasion for a rather mysterious client. He devoted over a year to the case, familiarizing himself with every loophole and angle of current legislation, and made a brilliant argument before the court.
His client was called out of town when the jury returned with its verdict, a sweeping victory for his client on every count.
Flushed with victory, the lawyer exuberantly cabled his client, “Justice has triumphed!”
A realistic fellow, the client immediately wired back, “Appeal at once!”

Doing your own income tax return is a lot like a do-it-yourself mugging.

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself.”

The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter.
“It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter.
The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 40.”
St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!”

Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don’t list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two; make sure you file on time. Number three, don’t make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards.

Page Topic: Tax jokes

Check out some of the funniest clean jokes on the internet.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you thinking about?” The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.” The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?” “Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied. “I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said, “Sure. I’ve come to install the phone!”

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Darn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

Page Topic: Funny Clean Jokes: Funny jokes that are clean and can be enjoyed by the whole family.

Money Jokes and Humor: Sometimes it’s hard to see the lighter side of money and personal finance. But here are some funny jokes about money to lighten things up:

TODAY’S DAILY STOCK MARKET REPORT:

Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. Balloon prices were inflated. Oil continued it’s slippery slide. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

A woman was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang. She threw on her towel and went to the door. Dave, a poker buddy of her husband’s was there. He looked at her in her towel for a minute and whispered “I’ll give you $500 right now if you take of your towel for just 10 seconds! That’s $50 a second!” She thought about it a second, and then took off her towel. He smiled, gave her the money and walked away. When she walked back into the bedroom, her husband asked “Was that Dave? Did he bring the $500 he owed me?”

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?”

A woman proudly told her friend, “I’m responsible for making my husband a millionaire.” “Well what was he before he married you?” the friend asked. “A billionaire.”

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $9,000,000, which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment, and the death of an uncle who left him $8,999,999.50.

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

Page Topic: Good Money jokes

No false advertising here. These are dumb jokes. You’ve been warned.

Why was the archeologist depressed? Because his career was in ruins!

The teacher asked Mary, “If you had seven cookies and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?” Mary immediately answered, “Seven!”

The teacher was puzzled and asked “Why seven?”

“You really think I would give David any of my cookies?”

An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.
The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn’t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, “I’ll bet the truck won’t be waiting for me either.”

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what’s wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry.”

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?”
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says…
Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,”I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”
He answered, “That’s okay.”
“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Good bye, Mom” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.”
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.
“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.
“How come so much? I only bought 5 items!”
The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.”

Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

Page Topic: Dumb Jokes

These are some jokes that are so stupid that they’re actually funny. Sort of. In a sense. After a beer. Or two. Dozen.

The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They
were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid
bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged. So they pressured the administration to set up a new department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own
where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.
They wanted other students to see that they weren’t just stupid bimbos — after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: “I Belong in B.E.D.”

One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.
On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his
congregation, “There isn’t anything that will save us except to
pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next
Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain.”
The people did as they were told and returned to church the
following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he
was furious.
“We can’t worship today. You do not yet believe,” he said.
“But,” they protested, “we prayed, and we do believe.”
“Believe?” he responded. “Then where are your umbrellas?”

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. “Lady”, said the drunk, “that’s the ugliest kid I’ve ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!.” As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. “What’s the matter, madam?” he asked. “I’ve just been horribly insulted” she sobbed. “There there,” said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. “Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here’s a banana for the chimp”

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he’s back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, “I think I know where I’m going wrong” he tells the dealer,
“I think I’m planting them too deep.”

Did you here about the idiot who won the ‘Tour De France’?
He did a lap of Honour!

A man was carpeting his living room, and once finished, he couldn’t find his pack of cigarettes. Then he saw the lump in the middle of the carpet. He decided he didn’t want to pull up the new carpet for one pack of smokes, so he took his hammer and pounded the lump flat. His wife came in the room just then and handed him his cigarettes.
“I found them in the kitchen,” she told him. “Now if I can just find our pet hamster.”

The man asked the doctor for birth control pills, and the doctor asked why he would need birth control. “To help me sleep better.” Birth control pills don’t help with insomnia, the doctor explained. “Yes they do,” the man insisted, “I put them in my daughter’s drink before she goes out and I sleep much better.”

Page Topic: Really Stupid Jokes

Here are some pretty good clean funny jokes.

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms–both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin–but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die. . .”

There were these 2 blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to there Mercedes vehicle. They were locked out so they were trying to get the door open with a close hanger. The 1st blonde said, “You need to try harder. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!”

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
“I have an idea,” said Mike. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.”
“What, do you think I’m stupid? I have an idea. I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.”

An atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees”!
“What powerful rivers”!
“What beautiful animals”!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right On top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was still.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer”?
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian”?
“Very Well,” said the Voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
“We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive.”
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, “God Save The Queen,” and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, “Viva La France,” and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, “Remember the Alamo,” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes!

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.

Page Topic: Clean Funny Jokes

When you need a little bit of fun ammunition, these insult jokes are the perfect weapon.

If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Your armpits smell so bad that the teacher gave you an A just for not raising your hand.

You so ugly, when you were born, the doctor slapped yo’ mama!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.

You’re so stupid; if your brain was chocolate it wouldn’t fill an M&M.

Last time I saw you, you had lost some weight, looks like you found it.

He was so ugly that my car wouldn’t even run him over.

All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it’s hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

May your children be so famous every policeman knows them.

Page Topic: Insults and cut downs

OK, hilarious is a pretty strong word. Let’s just say here are some pretty funny jokes.

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, – “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks – “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, “Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!”
“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”
“No,” she said, “I did better than that! I got the license plate number!”

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop
decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the
belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he
decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and
announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.
The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”
“No matter,” said the man, “observe!” He then began striking the bells with
his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a
suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a
bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to
his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the
street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the
bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a
bell.”

Q: What kind of work does a weak cat do?
A: Light mouse work.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

A doctor vacationing in Panama met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here in Panama?” The doctor replied, “I’m looking for Panama Real Estate .”  “You have the money?” asked the lawyer.  “Well, remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?” 

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6′2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6′5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Page Topic: Hilarious Jokes

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Page Topic: Funny Job Jokes: Job One Liners: Funny lines about jobs